


Infinity

by Hichanchen, SMUTSIS_maria



Category: Monsta X (Band), Wonho - Fandom
Genre: 2won, A story in a story, Alternate Universe - Urban Fantasy, Alternate Universe - Victorian, Angel Wings, Angel/Demon Sex, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bottom Chae Hyungwon, But actually it's angel sex so who cares, Eternal Winter, Fluff, Friedrich - Freeform, HyungWonho - Freeform, Hyungwon is so incredibly hot, M/M, Nietzsche, Non-Graphic Violence, Ocean Vuong poems, Smut, Snow and Ice, Superpowers, There's so much tension you'll combust, Top Lee Hoseok | Wonho, Wonchae, feat. Hoseok's gaze, our beta's said it's awesome, smutsis promise, this is a lot of plot, when you're done with it you'll bloom like the first flower in the snow
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-03
Updated: 2021-02-25
Packaged: 2021-03-12 17:35:20
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 138,389
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29139381
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hichanchen/pseuds/Hichanchen, https://archiveofourown.org/users/SMUTSIS_maria/pseuds/SMUTSIS_maria
Summary: In the life before this one, you could telltwo people were in lovebecause when they drove the pickupover the bridge, their wingswould grow back just in time.-Ocean Vuong-
Relationships: Chae Hyungwon & Lee Hoseok | Wonho
Comments: 50
Kudos: 42





	1. Freshly baked pastries and a vacancy one should apply to

**Author's Note:**

> Dear readers,  
> It's been such a long time, right? But now, we are finally back with our newest story that we have written for over 3 months, which is pretty unusual, but we're sure that the story is definitely worth it. We sincerely hope that it will make you feel warm and loved, that it will make you think and doubt. This story has a very exciting and heartbreaking plot that we thought about and developed a lot and hope that you will enjoy reading it as much as we enjoyed writing it.  
> Infinity is already completed and published as an ebook and hardcover and we will be updating every second day, so you can look forward to that!  
>   
> If you want to know more about us, get updates and information about new stories, hit us up on **Twitter**  
> [@SMUTSIS Official](http://twitter.com/SMUT_SIS)  
> (Write us a brief dm so we can accept your follow. We decline if we don't get a dm.)  
> [INSTAGRAM](https://www.instagram.com/smut_sis/)  
>   
>   
>   
> We are really hoping that you will enjoy this story as much as our previous works if not more and will be able to take something precious with you.  
>   
> We write one character each, also if it is the perspective of the respective other character  
> Hichanchen writes Hyungwon  
> SMUTSIS_maria writes Hoseok  
> As always a special Thank You to our beta-readers Molly and Natalie and to Angie who drew a beautiful cover.  
>   
>   
> We are always so damn grateful for every little bit of feedback, be it a comment, a kudos or a message on Twitter :D You guys are the major reason that we write! (And Hyungwonho, because honestly, it's THE SHIP)  
> (We also have another story on the way after this one, so stay tuned.)

'The man of knowledge must be able not only to love his enemies but also to hate his friends.'

Wise words by Friedrich Nietzsche stared back at him and as usual, he could close his eyes and see them as if the thin skin of his eyelids wasn’t covering his iris. As if his eyes were open, presenting the reality he had just seen like a photograph, the image burned in the wires connecting his thoughts.

Friends. He didn't have any to hate.

_Don’t only be suspicious of people that you think it's natural to hate. Be careful of everybody. Otherwise you might make a mistake._

Making mistakes meant creating an abyss that he could fall into without noticing and be unable to pull himself out of, so he had to avoid it, no matter what.

Mostly it wasn't hard, especially after all these years, after learning what to say, what to do and most importantly to not engage too much with people. Getting close was dangerous, taboo, it increased the likelihood of making a mistake. If one in every fifteen interactions failed dangerously, the likelihood was lower if his interactions were kept to a minimum. One was a lot already. Meeting one person was a potential step towards a mistake. An abyss.

_Because you can't do the same things you can do when you're alone, when nobody looks at you, nobody is interested in you._

If people shouldn't be interested in him, why did he look like he did?

_What doesn't kill you makes you stronger._

He really wanted to believe that.

A look out of the window revealed shades of pink mixed into the dark blue, colors that lit up the horizon that he could see in all its detail, despite the polluted air over the city highway. He liked standing in front of the big windows that reached from the black polished tiles to the light grey ceiling and observe the empty highway fill with cars and the sky change colors quickly. The clouds rushed past the high building at the same pace with him as he put on blue suit pants and a black silk shirt, swinging the car keys in his hand.

He still had enough time to allow himself to fast-forward the way he perceived motion and changes in front of his black eyes. Smiling, he recognized the same patterns, more cars, fewer cars, more artificial light with neon colors until it disappeared and turned into more cars and a light blue sky that meant that he could stop.

When the last star was covered by the rising sun, a blanket of pink, he removed his gaze from the horizon and the flow continued at its previous pace, shadows once again slowly passing by his inner eye in fine detail, becoming a smell, a breeze, an inhale as he went through the living room to the elevator, keeping his attention on whether all was happening smoothly.

_You need to keep yourself busy._

His only appointment this Friday was in thirty minutes and even though he didn't look forward to meeting another person and taking the risk of making a possible mistake, he could reduce his future work time by successfully renting out the space he owned. There was no easier job. One only needed the clarity that he possessed and the rules that he lived by with every part of his body. If it fit, then it was decided in a matter of seconds. Easy. But also, risky.

The shadows rushed past his inner eye again like in a parallel reality and even though one had caught his attention, it only took a few moments until he could inhale, smiling to himself because the air was so easy to breathe.

It must've been the feeling of closure. The lack of mistakes. The way it was supposed to be.

It was right, just like the apartment on the sixty-sixth floor that had become his favorite place, because the sky was more blue than anything else and he could space out, eyes moving slowly behind his eyelids, back and forth in the flow of time, until he knew that it was time to leave.

_

A few seconds, only a few between the main intersection at his apartment building and the street where the real estate was located, he allowed himself to inhale so deeply that it was enough to bridge a few minutes in a heartbeat.

One.

It was only one beat and he didn't hear another one until he left his convertible and walked towards the broad black door of the former car manufacturing plant. It was refurbished and offered enough space for whatever the client might have needed. He hoped that it wouldn't take too long to agree and he could give the paperwork to his assistant. Give it away and forget about it.

Before he could recognize any change in his surroundings, he could feel the change in the flow of air, a disturbance that he noticed as a car moved closer along the street, pretty fast, probably speeding. Thankfully, he had enough time to open his eyes and wrap his fingers around his car keys before the black cabriolet turned around the corner and the driver decided to push the brakes at the last moment, filling his inhales with a thick scent of rubber, gasoline, and something so insanely sweet that his mouth watered.

It must be the client, well off, as the car and his expensive clothes suggested.

"Welcome. I see you made it on time. The building’s location is pretty central, so you shouldn’t have had a hard time finding it," he started, before considering whether he needed to bring the documents out of the trunk.

The air remained filled with the loud sound of the engine until it was finally silenced and his client left the car, not bothering to put up the roof even though the weather wasn't warm enough anymore. The person interested in one of his properties was a man, possibly in his twenties and dressed in an elegant black shirt that hung a little loose on his shoulders and a pair of dark blue jeans that compensated for all the freedom that the shirt allowed by hugging his legs tightly. A pair of black sunglasses with gold frames covered most of the man's face, just as inappropriate to the weather as the car.

"The location is perfect," the client remarked and fixed his sunglasses, slipping his car key into the back pocket of his jeans. A smile instantly found its way onto what he could see of the man's face. "And there's enough parking space for more than twenty cars."

"There will be plenty of space for your customers, so you don't have to worry about that. There is also an underground area that can be used if there is additional need for parking spots. We don't share pictures online, so you can have a look around and I'll answer your questions in case you want more information." Imitating a smile, he used the card to unlock the big black door that was three meters high and looked huge compared to their bodies and pulled it open, revealing the loft space with high quality light, wooden floors, and concrete walls.

"Damn," the man behind him cursed and had the intonation not been appreciative, he might have misunderstood. "It's perfect. The gigantic doors give it exactly what I'm looking for, just like the high ceiling. The lights will look otherworldly when I'm done with them. May I ask why you don't share pictures online? Sounds just a hint shady."

Again, there was a grin, as if the other man hadn't just jokingly implied that he might have been breaking the law or committing tax fraud.

"Shady? No. The reason is rational. I only take on exclusive projects and if I advertised them online, I'd have to pick up phone calls every five minutes. It is a disturbing thought, so I'm avoiding that." He wasn't sure if his behavior made him appear even more shady and decided to elaborate for a few seconds more. "The usual process is that I work by recommendations. Past clients recommend me and I have a certain portfolio of objects that I buy and then offer to chosen clients. This is one of them. My assistant must've sent you the details."

His low voice echoed in the spacious loft, making it sound deeper, and he listened, trying to make out whether there was something else apart from words that could've been extracted from his speech, but it didn't seem like it.

"Oh, he told me about it privately, but the appointment was agreed upon the traditional way." His client winked at him for some reason and closed the door, attention focused on the spacious loft and the details he knew must have been to his liking. He could tell from the quick eye motions and the satisfied smile that threatened to develop. "Words haven't done this place justice though. The acoustics are superb too. Would you mind telling me more about it? Your voice fits right in and is pleasant to listen to."

_Pleasant to listen to?_

"Uh-uh," he hummed and raised his eyebrow. Something about this particular client was strange, but he couldn't figure out what it was. Maybe the overwhelming sweetness that entered his nose and confused him was one of the reasons, so he tried to put more distance between them as he walked towards the panoramic windows, quickly elaborating on the building and the acoustics as his client seemed to be interested in that. "It was a car manufacturing plant before, but I redesigned it and now it can be used as a company-headquarters, maybe church-affiliated organizations with enough funds or private spaces if there's a desire for a modern living environment. Individual needs can be easily met, just let my assistant know and I’ll see what I can do."

"Lovely speech." His client stepped closer to the windows and looked around, examining the view before turning just enough to meet his gaze over his shoulder. He caught a glance of something bright behind the other man's sun glasses before he fixed them with his long index finger. "It will be neither of those things for me though. It's too good for company headquarters. The high ceilings would be wasted space and for a modern living environment it's too spacious. With the sound, the location and the ambience I can create with the lights, it's pretty clear that this is the perfect space for a club. Which is exactly what I plan to transform this into."

_A club?_

"Uhm, letting all kinds of people in here? For the whole night? I see."

_There's no way you'll give it to him._

"I'll still show you the top floor because it has a glass ceiling and then we can go back down and I'll brief you about the follow up." He grabbed the white railing a bit too tightly and it almost cracked. He felt the material succumb under pressure before letting it go as if burned at the same time, he saw a shadow fly past his inner eye that made him dizzy enough to hold his breath for a second. He needed to focus, otherwise mistakes could be happening. All kinds of mistakes. "Why do you want to make a club out of it?"

"I see you would have preferred a church-affiliated organization," his client remarked with chuckle. "Does the idea make you uncomfortable? You tensed up those arms of yours and for a moment I thought you imagined that poor railing to be me."

The other man must have caught up with him when he paused as the sweet scent returned full force and a hand ended up right next to his on the railing, sunglasses not allowing him to know where exactly his client was looking.

"I prefer peace, so I make decisions that ensure me as much of it as possible. My grip on the railing was a bit too tight; you're very attentive if you noticed. But you were worried for nothing, I wouldn't hurt anybody unless necessary." Taking two steps at once, he quickly moved on until he arrived at the top floor and walked to the middle of the space, looking up at the sky through the glass ceiling.

"Bold of you to assume that church-affiliated organizations would be much quieter, even private clients could blast their favorite death metal tracks on full volume. But-" The rather low and rough sounding voice paused suddenly as his client must have finally decided to look up. "Holy shit, I'm in love. With both the ceiling and you telling me you're not shady at all while still suggesting you resort to violence if necessary."

"It's the truth," he commented blatantly before making sure to put another step between them. "It's not about what people listen to here; I don't care about that. Is there anything else that you would like to know right now? Otherwise I will think about it and let you know through my assistant."

His client hummed and leaned against the end of the railing, index finger playing with the edge of his glasses until he tapped lightly against the top to make them slip down his nose. It was just enough to reveal a pair of bright eyes that met his own. For a second, he squinted. It was an unusual color that he hadn't seen before, not in combination with human eyes. Light, bright, icy blue iris with a thick black hue around it.

_Like a husky dog._

"I'd like to know why your whole body language tells me that you’re scared of me suddenly performing satanic rituals in here," the rough voice remarked eventually, grin tugging at the right corner of his mouth. "You said you wanted peace and doesn't a financially secure deal with somebody who's got expertise give you exactly that? I know what I'm doing."

"Me too," he mirrored the smile, ignoring the comment about his body language and looking into those eyes just once, for a moment only, registering how they widened in response. "That's why I'm saying, you will tell my assistant if you are interested and I will let you know what I decided."

The sunglasses returned back to their spot on the other man's face and he turned around to walk back down, hand brushing through his black hair once. "I'm interested in the bathroom too. How spacious it is and in what state."

"I'm not sure if your club goers plan to have a whirlpool party, but if they do, it would be perfectly equipped for it," he murmured with a slightly disgusted expression on his face that he couldn't help. Together, in soapy water, skin on skin, like in a can of sprats.

His client laughed, loud and bright as the sound echoed through the empty space and returned to them from the walls.

"Nah, that one will be all mine."

"You are planning to take a bath in a club? Your preferences are special, I see." A bit disappointed that he couldn't be in his car already and instead continued wasting time with someone he wouldn't give the property to, he tried to walk past the client. Just that his client thought it was appropriate to stand in the middle of the stairs and force him to brush the tip of his shoulder against his arm.

_That's too close._

"Pretty goosebumps." The reply had no relation to his last comment and instead of taking a decent look at the property and finally being done with it, his client was staring in his direction instead. The sun glasses made it difficult to pinpoint the exact focus, but the rather playful smile that spread the other man's lips suggested that it must have been him. Him and the goosebumps on his arms.

He tried his best to ignore it despite a spark that resembled fire inside his chest and despite his wish to make time go faster. Frowning, fully aware that it gave his expression emotions even though he didn't mean to show or feel any, he opened the door and entered the spacious bathroom, gesturing at the fancy whirlpool tub before crossing his arms in front of his chest. "Is the bathroom similar to what you expected?" He leaned against the wall and observed how the client entered with a grin on his face but still covering his Husky-like eyes with the big sunglasses.

A low hum was his reply as the rather tall man walked deeper into the room and let his right hand slide along the black tiles, fingers dipping into the spaces between, until they finally settled on the edge of the whirlpool, wrapping around it. As if he was already at home, his client held onto the edge and easily lifted his slim body up before sinking down into the tub, arms remaining on the edges.

“It’s perfect,” the other man finally replied and turned around, remaining inside the tub as he crossed his arms on the edge and rested his head on top of them, observing him through his sunglasses. “This part will be for my fun and downstairs for everyone else’s.”

The energy tingled at his fingertips and the part that he had felt before burned more, felt hotter than necessary and reminded him that he shouldn't make a mistake. He shouldn't, but why did this particular client make it so hard for him?

"I think it's the first time someone actually climbed into the tub," he murmured, closing his eyes for a few moments to not miss the shadows, to remain focused and not burn from the inside because of some ridiculous human who wanted to rent out a ridiculously expensive place for a club and take baths while people were partying. "You must feel comfortable, but I don't have much time, so I need to get going soon."

“Already?” Again, there was a smile on his client’s face and the more often he saw it, the harder it became to read its intentions. Pouting briefly, for only a second, no more, his client finally lifted his body out of the tub and sat down on the edge this time, hand remaining on the tiles. “You haven’t shown me all the rooms yet, have you? And what about the downstairs bathroom, the one without a whirlpool. If I am not mistaken there were stalls before, perfect for several customers at once, isn’t it?”

As soon as the man moved, the sweet scent enveloped him again, like a freshly baked butter cookie. It couldn't be real, there was no perfume like that. One that smelled like freshly baked pastries.

Flinching because the scent was pulling him in, he moved away from the wall, increasing the distance between them. It returned the welcome clarity to his thoughts and he enjoyed it. "Fine. I'll show you the stalls and then get going," he commented and focused on the tingling at his fingertips, on time that surrounded them, perceiving the change in flow as he gestured towards the stairs and moved fast, saying meaningless words and showing the client the rest of the property in the blink of an eye. His grip only loosened when they stood outside of the stalls and he nodded slowly, glad that time hadn't been burdening him with its weight for at least those few moments.

"My assistant will get back to you tomorrow at the latest, as promised."

“Mmh,” his client remarked and brushed over the edge of his sunglasses with his fingertips, tilting them down just enough for him to once again see the ice blue color of his eyes that paired up with a slightly different smile. “I’ll be looking forward to it.”

"Good. I don't give out business cards, I hope you understand," he replied, feeling a bit better after the rush of time as he turned around and started walking towards the exit.

His thoughts were filled with the approaching ease of knowing that he wouldn't have to be around people as soon as he sat in the driver's seat and moved along the highway, fast and unseen, when suddenly something changed in the air. It felt more stuffy, unmoving, like an elevator that was supposed to get going, but didn't. Only the doors closed and he stayed in the same space, breathing the same air that he inhaled a few seconds ago.

_Did you do something?_

He still moved, but he moved so slowly that it felt like a movie, as if someone pressed a button every split second to stop it, before resuming it again. Lifting a hand to his face as he walked, he observed how his fingers moved in front of his face, that he wasn't imagining it, that time suddenly started flowing slower, as if punishing him for letting him rush it.

“Thank you for taking the time,” he suddenly heard behind himself, spoken with such ease as if the air wasn’t as thick when it entered the other man’s lungs and left it just as smoothly. “It seems to have passed in the blink of an eye.”

With the last sound, the elevator doors opened and he found himself on the floor he wanted to be at, air moving and filled with shadows, dynamically exchanging between spaces as time continued its path. "I wish," he muttered and walked around his car, letting himself fall into the comfort of the leather seat and hands still tingling from the feeling of not being able to control it.

_It couldn't have been you. You know so well what you can do and how to do it._

His gaze moved along with the thought, foot stepping on the gas and catching the intense look in those ice blue eyes that he could see through the window of the black cabriolet, shortly before those glasses covered the sight.

It was good and right to increase distance, to move back, return to his place of solitude, but even after a few seconds, the sweet scent accompanied his every inhale like a phantom.

***

Various shades of brown pulled his gaze towards them. Sensual rust brown tables and chairs, cozy cognac brown walls with sepia-tinted photographs and as a finish a walnut brown antler. Along with emerald green shelves and an equally emerald but plain lamp above his head, the long and narrow space fulfilled all the specs that one might have looked for in an Irish pub.

_Casual but with feeling. It's perfect._

The tawny color of his Redbreast 12 whiskey blended smoothly into the other shades of brown and he used his thumb and ring finger to lift his tumbler and shake it briefly. The motion intensified the scent of nuts, oil and what seemed to be spices. He inhaled again to have more of it, to focus on the way it warmed up his chest and settled on his skin like a thin layer of dew.

His body was sensitive to the subtlest sensations, to the way they were able to influence his mood or his perception of the things around him. The friendly and warm brown hues of the pub evoked a feeling of comfort, a sense of being at the right place even though it was his first time at this particular one. He rarely chose the same place twice.

_You need to keep the excitement around. Like a friend._

The thought pulled his attention from the comfort of his wooden bar stool and his glass of whiskey to the people around him. Two men sat close by and drank a glass of wine each. The sight was unusual for an Irish pub, but their attire and playful smiles were enough to tell that they had searched for any place that provided enough light to see, but also just the right amount of darkness to talk. His eyes followed the motion of hands along a clothed thigh, the way fingers tapped out a rhythm and caused the other man to slip a little closer, just enough to feel more.

_It must feel so good._

He smiled because there was no need for his involvement. Both of them were taking the strings of opportunity and wrapping all five fingers around them, tugging with each glance and word that they exchanged.

_You need to reach out as well._

A gulp of whiskey touched his tongue and he allowed himself to bask in the flavor of vanilla and cinnamon until it made way for the prominent burning along his throat. A chuckle caught his attention and he glanced over the edge of the tumbler towards the source of the noise, the bartender who had told a joke to a young woman in front of him and experienced a boost of confidence through her response. He enjoyed observing the exchange, both how the young woman leaned forward because she enjoyed the conversation and how the bartender mirrored the position of her hands subconsciously. He kept wanting to see the first time they touched, a brief brush of hands, to see how intense it was going to be to them. First sensations were always his favorite.

_Maybe that's why you keep trying to experience them over and over again._

He kept the hint of a smile on his lips and returned to the scent of nuts and now even a note of ginger that he was able to pick up by holding the tumbler closer to his nose.

Instead of playing The Dubliners as some pubs did per default, this one had chosen a playlist of instrumental music and a hint of sensuality. Maybe that was the reason that so many people ended up finding each other at this particular pub. He hoped that the same was going to apply to him.

The way sound moved through the air changed as the door to the pub opened and a young man entered, right hand buried in the pocket of a pair of tight jeans and the other pale from being out in the cold. His eyes roamed over the man's lean legs, the contours that his jeans revealed, contrasting with the cozy brown of the bar. He took in the elegant but still somehow comfortable white pullover, the visible edge of a collarbone that pleasantly tugged at something within him. The sensation of a slight pulling in the pit of his stomach was one of his favorites, one of the feelings he never wanted to end.

His whiskey tumbler stood forgotten on the bar, waiting for his attention. But good whiskey wasn't his reason for coming.

He reached out and twirled the liquid in his tumbler once, enjoying the few seconds that passed without the man at the door noticing him yet. He could see excitement in the quick eye motions, nervousness in the repeated wiping of palms on jeans. He was the cause of that excitement, the one who made the man at the door nervous and at the same time impatient to see him. A smile spread his lips and he brushed through his hair once, enjoying the warmth that collected at his fingertips, remaining in place along with the people around him.

The two men in the corner stopped talking and the bartender paused amidst a silly joke he was telling, hoping to make the woman in front of him laugh. Also, the man at the door didn't move, still remaining at the border of nervousness and excitement until finally a pair of brown eyes slowly passed over the patrons of the pub and settled on him.

All sound stopped, turning the pub dead silent as if somebody had just pulled the plug of the sound system. The lights remained the same and so did the scents, only the noises disappeared as time passed for him but nobody else. He really loved firsts, emotions that were only experienced once and couldn't be captured. At least not for long.

Curling all fingers of his right hand around his tumbler, he let go of the little drops of weight that had accumulated around his fingers and listened to the clinking of glasses and talking that resulted as if it had never stopped. Raising his arm in greeting, he observed the gorgeous smile of the man he had been waiting for and gestured for him to join.

"How did it go?" he asked immediately as soon as the young man sat down on a bar stool next to his, knees subtly brushing his own without making it seem intentional. It was a smooth and pleasant gesture, another sensation he didn't want to miss. "Did he make a decision?"

Instead of waiting for a reply, he reached out and brushed a strand of black hair behind a pretty ear. He loved how goosebumps spread all the way to the man's neck and for a few seconds he seemed to have forgotten what he had wanted to say. It was sweet and so very human to get lost in affection and pleasure. He loved providing it.

"Uhm… I told you that he's a bit special, right?" Sighing briefly and licking his lips, the young man glanced at him with a hint of nervousness. "He said he won't do it. I tried to persuade him, but he just said that there's no way. I'm sorry. You must be disappointed."

_He won't do it?_

He hummed in understanding but kept his smile. The reply wasn't too surprising, not considering the way the unusually attractive, but equally distant, landowner had acted around him. Hoping that the outcome would be different, he had overestimated the influence that the assistant had on his employer.

_Not everybody has a feeling for people the way you do._

"I can imagine that it was really hard to talk to him," he remarked and stroked over the black hair twice before simply curling an arm around the man's shoulders and pulling him closer. "Did he mention why?"

The man in his arms relaxed, leaning into his touch and exhaling the pressure that he must've felt from carrying the bad news around. "There are people that are hard to talk to, and then there's him. He literally doesn't care about anything anybody says. His only comment was that he won't sell or rent it out for a club and when I asked why, he said that it's a simple fact. As if there are no reasons as to why he's doing things. He said something else too, but somehow, time always passes so fast when I'm working that I can barely remember. I need to write things down more often."

_Now that's interesting._

His eyebrows threatened to reveal a little too much of his interest towards his companion's employer, so he leaned in and distracted both of them with a brief kiss. Gazes from the people around them threatened to bury themselves in his back, but he ignored them and focused on the taste of strawberry chewing gum instead.

_But you know that feeling, the feeling of losing time._

Maybe 'knowing' was a little too bold considering that he experienced it exactly once. Time was more of a loyal companion than an uncontrolled force to him, but apparently one particular man had changed that not only for him, but also for another person.

"I think I know what you mean. There is something very distant about him. I wonder if he has any hobbies, something you could share with him that makes talking to him easier for you." Leaning back again, he gestured for the bartender before turning to the man next to him again. "What can I get you?"

"I'll take the same as you. I'm curious about your impression of him. I think his hobby consists of buying ridiculously expensive properties and making people desperate for them, I don't know. He doesn't reveal anything about himself. It's frustrating. I've been working for him for the past three years and I only know that he likes fast cars, dresses well and hates being touched. That's it. But maybe it's me. Maybe I'm not able to get close to people, I don't know."

_This is getting more and more interesting._

"It's not you at all," he remarked immediately and pulled his companion closer again, realizing that the distance must have increased his nervousness and worries. There shouldn't have been any concerns close to him, not if he could help it. "I'm pretty extroverted, but he also didn't tell me anything despite my attempts. I guess he's a very closed up person. Who knows, maybe making people desperate for properties is his way of making them desperate for him. All compensatory."

He chuckled and caught a delicious bottom lip with his teeth, nibbling on it a little bit as he observed the reaction by glancing at the pretty, brown eyes.

"You can lead my thoughts away from all the discomfort, I love it." He was blessed with a genuine smile and a shift in his direction. "I'm not sure about him wanting to have people being interested in him. I think that's what he doesn't like. To have people asking questions or wanting to get close to him. He's the epitome of a loner. I don't think he has friends or acquaintances. Even clients, he doesn't care about them either."

_Sounds like a vacancy. Maybe you should apply._

"You know," he began and brushed his lips over the delicious mouth one more time, combining the sensation with his hands that slipped down and stroked over the other man’s thigh. "For somebody who is able to distract you from your thoughts, I don't seem to be doing a very good job at the moment."

He smiled, aware that it was his own fault for repeatedly asking, but his curiosity wasn't quite satisfied yet. The man in his arms wasn't at fault though, he was only another victim of a person that didn't open up. A person with an emotional vacancy that had to be filled.

_You're the perfect candidate._

He made sure to keep the conversation light, to distract from all worries and concerns that left the pretty mouth and to occupy it with the aftertaste of ginger and his lips. They met with kisses, adding the taste of strawberry and cigarettes to his drink. Time passed and as usual he disliked the feeling of it, how quickly lips let go of his own and returned him to seconds of awareness.

"Would you… Like to come along to my place? The whisky tastes good, but I think I prefer you," the pleasant voice breathed into his ear.

"Nothing I'd rather do," he whispered back and placed a note on the counter before wrapping an arm around the other man's waist and pulling him up with himself. The closeness was exactly what he needed, what both of them needed and added a pleasant buzzing to the effect of whiskey.

The pub was quickly left behind them as they made their way along the street towards the small apartment he already knew by heart. It wasn't far and he enjoyed each second for as long as he was able to, basking in the feeling of fingers brushing over the side of his face and neck, warmth against the spot where he held onto the other man's body and finally the warmth from within that a genuine smile could evoke. All of these things were addicting and he extended them for himself, collecting each drop of time that wanted to pass him by and pulling it towards himself.

A traffic light interrupted their path and he used the moment to press the warm body against the pillar and reduce the air between them. Lips hungrily met his own and arms wrapped around his neck, pulling him closer and down to taste even more. His eyes weren't interested in the color of the traffic light anymore and he let them fall shut, only inhaling strawberry and feeling lips matching the motions of his own.

It could've continued for eternity. At least that's how his partner would have described it, but suddenly, the pleasure of the moment, the tension and the pulling that he extended for himself were ripped from his fingers, passing by him fast and making him dizzy. A bite of lips, a brief exhale, the sound of a car engine. Short snippets that didn't satisfy any of his needs and that didn't give him anything apart from frustration.

_Are you losing control?_

He hated the feeling, the rush that ripped everything he enjoyed away from him. His hands tightened on the body in his arms and anger bubbled within his chest, rising as quickly as time seemed to pass him by. In one moment, he was just about to inhale, when in the next the weight of time that he always felt so well finally paused just enough for him to inhale deeply, sound deafening, as it mixed with the intake of breath of the man in his arms.

Something was off with the expression on the handsome face, as if it couldn't decide where to look, eyes unfocused and staring into nothingness. The loud noise of an engine entered his ears like it was inside his head, roaring so deafening that goosebumps spread on his arms.

When he moved his gaze to the source, he saw a black Mercedes, open windows, and a motion that wasn't slow enough for him to take in fully, but not so fast to simply rush past him. Maybe, he saw the curve of red lips first, maybe it was the sharp jaw, but those black eyes, that gaze that met his was what he knew he would remember best. The moment was what he was searching for, the inexplicable tension of not knowing accompanied by a spark of want. Maybe he was mistaken, but for a moment it seemed as if those eyes, as if the black hue of the iris changed its size, before suddenly, the car moved, drove away fast enough to take a chunk of his time along with it.

The weight of time left his fingers in a way he knew he couldn't return it. His hands curled into fists, tightening his grip on the seconds that he shared with the person in his arms, the seconds that he was extending for his and the other man's pleasure. He held on so tightly that his knuckles turned white, but even then, while kissing that strawberry mouth and pulling each second to its full potential, he couldn't forget those black eyes.

The black eyes of the man who stole his time.

***

Dark blue with a slim hue of red, a remnant of the sunset lingering and unwilling to leave, then, a few seconds and the night had replaced everything that has been before. Quick and merciless.

The night and his car both made the flow of time more bearable as he drove along the city highway, no stars visible and not many people around. Nobody cared that time was passing in the blink of an eye, nobody cared that he was going 200km/h in the city, nobody knew that he existed. It was almost perfect. No way to make any mistakes, no reasons to question anything. Just seconds passing by so fast that he barely had time to inhale, but in the end, he didn't really need to breathe, he did it out of comfort, so…

_So, everything is the way it's always been, the way it's supposed to be. Right. It's right._

Everything was the way it was supposed to be, until it suddenly wasn't. Until the feeling of control that he owned, that he breathed through each pore of his hot skin, slipped away as time suddenly stuttered. It was so strong that goosebumps spread all over his body and his eyes closed so slowly as he fought back, the force of his fingers clenching around the wheel and leaving marks on the leather as one second stretched indefinitely.

_What is this?_

He couldn't tell what was happening but perceived it as if someone was pulling on the flow from the opposite direction, leaving the outcome undecided between the future and the past, but not allowing the present to take over either.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, his eyes opened and he found himself in front of the red traffic light with time passing as usual, only that it didn't seem usual at all. It resembled a superficial cover, an attempt to brush over the pressure that lay in the air that came from his attempt to make time pass faster and another force slowing it down indefinitely.

Just when he was about to push the flow harder, he felt a tingling up his back and inhaled once to fight it. Maybe he shouldn't have, because inhaling made him aware of the sweetness that made him dizzy right away, causing the few lines of the zebra crossing to blur in front of his eyes, making him unfocused and forcing him to search for the origin.

_You'll make a mistake. Focus._

He didn't want to make a mistake, he still switched to the parallel dimension, examining the shadows once in a while, but most of all, he wanted to find the reason for his loss of control. Find it and remove it as fast as possible.

_It shouldn't be possible to make you act like this._

A long second, maybe two passed before he turned his head, taking in his surroundings, the almost empty streets, before recognition followed. How could he not recognize those dog eyes if they stared right at him? Even when his ex-client seemed busy exchanging bodily liquids with another person.

With his assistant.

_Disgusting._

A shudder passed through him. His first reaction was to increase the distance and look away, but he was caught by a force that worked against him. A spark lit in his chest and transferred to his back, tingling on his skin uncomfortably. He disliked the sensation, so his fingers wrapped tightly around time and around his wheel. So tightly that he rushed off abruptly, taking time along and leaving the big ice blue eyes that had stared at him. Those eyes and the sweetest of scents that he had ever perceived since the first moment he could remember.

It was sweet like the spark of want people kept talking about, sweet like a freshly baked pastry, pulling at your senses in all the good ways, but making you regret. Sweet like the abyss coming closer and swallowing you whole. Like when you think that you're eating the cookie but the cookie is eating you.

_You're not like them. You can smell it, but you aren't stupid._

When the goosebumps disappeared, miles and minutes away from the unfortunate encounter, the scent still lingered on his skin and made it tingle, but he was strong enough to not let himself be carried away. Instead of focusing on the sensation, he grabbed his phone and started typing a text.

'Thank you for your work until now. I won't need your help from now on. You're fired.'

_

A chaotic mixture of sounds, scents and too many people who wanted to have more time to themselves, wanted to manage things, made plans and therefore paid more attention to how the seconds ticked by. Daytime really wasn't his favorite, but it was time too, so he took every possible chance to speed up the way the sun moved over the sky before it had to sink below the horizon.

This time, he had to drive a bit further because a client was interested in an exclusive villa that he offered. The price was high, so it might have been a profitable deal. Reason enough to get out of his car in the middle of the day and wait in front of the fancy marble steps with his eyes closed.

As usual, he used time to pay more attention to the parallel dimension, catching an indecisive shadow just in time to give it a push, to make it separate and become air. Air with no regrets and with nothing left of the humanity that had once filled the human body that would become earth now.

Everything was the way it was supposed to be, before he felt another change of air, a car approaching.

He had played the game often enough during the past few years, so he inhaled and opened his eyes. Just that his eyes only registered a blurry mess as the sweetness entering his nose wiped every single thought from his mind for a split second.

_Not again._

Clenching his fists, he shook his head and tried again, observing a black cabriolet driving all the way up to his feet, making it impossible for him to step forward.

Another spark lit up his chest and pulled at his back as soon as the scent connected to the reason for it. The person who just left the car and pulled their sunglasses a little lower on their nose.

"Why are you here?" he asked immediately, trying to inhale again, but the scent was driving him crazy. His skin burned and so did the fabric that touched it.

"What a coincidence," the source of the sweetness remarked and walked all the way to the front of the car before leaning against the hood. He struggled to focus on the other man's attire or at least anything next to him, too baffled by his scent. It was strange, but with each time he inhaled, the sweetness appeared to be stronger, more intense and easily making him dizzy.

"I'm here to take a look at the property of course. I hope you have been well. Must be tiring to do everything on your own without an assistant."

_Why can't he just disappear?_

"I wouldn't have come if I knew that it was you. I'm doing better without an assistant; he's a lost cause. And now, I'll go back. I didn't plan on wasting my time today." His body required oxygen for his skin to cool down, so he inhaled once, but regretted it instantly. The scent was like a curse, immediate and merciless.

_You need to make it stop._

"Wasting your time, huh?" A smile was on the other man's face despite his obvious rejections and straightforwardness. He yearned to get as far away as possible to be able to breathe, but instead the scent only got stronger as the man in front of him pushed himself off the hood and stepped closer. "Are you by chance homophobic? I can't think of any other bullshit reason you might have for reacting like that towards me."

"Homophobic?" He lifted his gaze and stared right into those dog eyes, feeling the need to grab the flow of time and push it so hard that the person in front of him wouldn't remember what he’d done over the past few days. "You wish. I won't sell you anything. I won't rent you anything, so…" The heat that developed under his leather jacket was hard to bear, so he took it off in a rush, before throwing it into his car, right through the window. Maybe it looked a bit off with how fast he threw it and how precisely it flew through the small window opening before it landed on the driver’s seat. "So, just stay away from me. You can have my ex-assistant. I don't need him anymore and he should be just enough for you."

Holding his breath for a few seconds, he lifted his leg and stepped on the black metal of the car hood, walking a few steps, before jumping down on the other side.

"Are you fucking serious?" he heard the low voice call after him but didn't bother reacting. He had to get away as quickly as possible and knew that any additional word was going to be a waste of time. And air.

His thoughts were already somewhere else, far away from the scent, from his burning skin and from those dog eyes that he could sense were staring a hole into his back, when suddenly, all sound was turned off. The air stopped moving and his body felt like it was tied with ropes so thick that it became impossible to take a step forward. He recognized how the flow of time stuttered and froze, remaining in a tight grip. A grip that wasn't his.

His eyes were open and he used some of his strength to let his gaze travel down, glancing at one of his feet that stopped in the middle of a motion, remaining in the air.

_What is happening?_

There was someone else around him, so he was careful, trying to move his lips first before licking over his mouth slowly and using up way more energy than he should have.

"I take that as a yes," he heard behind himself, followed by the sound of shoes walking on concrete and finally stomping over metal. The man behind him was easily walking over his own car towards him despite the force that kept him in place, kept him from escaping the scent. No other sound travelled through the air, no cars honking, no wind moving the trees. "You fired him because you saw him with me, didn't you? A lost cause? God, you sound like one of the reasons that people end up miserable and lonely. Because of assholes being homophobic. Like you."

_He can move. He can produce sound and he isn't affected by this. It must be him._

His thoughts rushed inside his mind despite the frozen time, despite his wish to fight it, telling him to be careful. He knew he had to wait for what was going to happen. He has never been caught in time before and he had never met anybody who had a grip on it the way he did.

_You don't know how much you can do in this situation and how much he can. Don't risk making a major mistake._

The sweet scent was the most torturing thing about this whole situation and he would have loved to stop breathing, but it wasn't possible, not with the fabric on his torso, not when his back was tingling in a familiar way. He needed to breathe and inhale, let the abyss fill him up until it seemed like every thought was covered in it. Stained.

Suddenly, the other man's face appeared in front of him despite time being frozen, defying the rules. He felt the ice blue eyes, the ease with which the other man moved, how time rearranged around his body as if its rules didn't apply to him. He knew the flow like the back of his hand, the way it moved when he forced it to speed up and pass by the people around him. This time was different because there was no flow, no motion apart from the stuttering around the body of the man in front of him, around his fingertips and wrapped around his long legs.

"You stole my time," the low voice suddenly murmured right next to his ear, so close that he felt the air against his neck and shell of his ear, as if it was able to move as long as the other man was the source. "Give it back, Hoseok."

_He knows._

He was still careful, not moving much and saving most of his energy in case he had to use it, but a spark burned its way from his chest to his back and he lifted his gaze gradually, until he met the blue eyes with a black hue that were staring back at him. He didn't try moving his body, but licked over his lips, slowly.

"No," he breathed out, lips slowly spreading in a smile.

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	2. Living, loving and the excuse of stolen time

Loud honking pulled him out of a trance he couldn't remember being in. His hands were loosely wrapped around the steering wheel, a phone vibrated in his pocket and his speakers were playing a song in his playlist he shouldn't have reached yet.

His lips felt dry, so he used his tongue to return the moisture and glanced around. He was at a traffic light and must have missed a green phase judging by the furious gesturing and cursing from the car behind him. The man must have been in a hurry, but he never was. Moments were meant to be enjoyed to the fullest and he planned on turning that into an art, living each second to its full potential.

_But something is off._

Air tousled his hair and the sun was a little too bright for his taste as usual, warming up the skin not covered by his sun glasses but everything else seemed like it was behind frosted glass, blurred and surreal.

_As if you shouldn't be here right now._

Lifting his head, he glanced around and casually flipped off the guy who should have been thankful for a few more seconds that he could spend with his own thoughts and feelings instead of a job that was going to suck the last remaining juices out of him.

_He doesn't know, but you could do a much better job._

The traffic light turned green once again and he stepped on the gas, only to realize that he wasn't sure where he had been going in the first place. Why was he on this street, listening to music after apparently skipping several tracks and without knowing where he was going?

_What the hell happened?_

He felt for the time, the way it appeared further away from his fingertips than usual and needed longer to wrap tightly around each digit and finally stop, leaving him in absolute silence with unmoving cars surrounding him. This way, the time he had to figure out what had happened was endless, just the way he liked it.

Hard to get, spacious and financially way out of most people's league. Those specs alone had been enough to make him curious a while ago. The man he had been looking for wasn't the only one selling properties of that caliber but as soon as his eyes fell on the descriptions and cryptic pictures of the property, he knew who he must have been dealing with.

_You thought of it as a chance to see him._

He remembered getting suspicious with each kilometer that he reduced between himself and the property he claimed to be interested in. The place had been nice in the pictures, but not quite his style. The salesman on the other hand, was more than just another human he observed and looked for. It was the person who seemed to be able to rip time from his hands as if it was nothing.

_The person you needed to meet. What happened?_

He recalled meeting the man and feeling unfamiliar pulling at his fingertips. That sensation alone was enough to feel certain that he had found the right person. The weight that he could usually keep close to himself with ease, the weight of time, seemed to transform into feathers that were easily led astray, captured by the wind without the chance of returning to him. Lost forever.

_You felt it, the way he was able to pull time towards himself without stopping it._

Excitement had developed in his chest and spread throughout his bloodstream as his eyes fell on the man standing in front of the marble entrance to a villa like he belonged there. There was something about the way he looked and behaved that made him curious. Curious enough to look for him beyond their brief encounter at the other property.

Maybe he had wanted to be even closer in order to provoke, to challenge, but he only stopped when there was no way for the man in front of him to escape. He expected an attempt to run, maybe a few sarcastic comments about his relationship to the assistant that was unfairly fired because of him. A few options were possible, but the blatant homophobia he somehow hadn't expected. Possibly because quite some time had passed since the last time he had to deal with humans' lack of comprehension and ignorance.

_He made you so furious._

He gripped the wheel tighter because the feeling was still there even when he merely thought back to the moment. The other man's comments had been so blatantly homophobic and rude that there hadn't even been a proper course of action other than the sudden overwhelming desire to punch somebody. It wasn't like him, but it felt like it could have provided relief.

_He must be homophobic towards you and anybody you are with._

There was no other explanation for the rejection, the avoidance and the attempted flight. Hoseok Lee had no reason to ignore his question, to pretend he hadn't accused him of homophobia while mentioning that his assistant was a lost cause for being with him in the same sentence. The conclusion had angered him beyond belief, but he inhaled deeply and remained calm. He had encountered humans like that before. Just like a wall needed the right tool to cut through it, he just needed the right approach to do the same with a human mind.

_But you hadn't been able to control yourself in the end._

It wasn't even the comments about him that had angered him enough to make his blood boil. It was the ease with which the guy abandoned somebody he was at least getting along with. How lightly he discarded a human because of his own misconceptions. Homophobia at its finest.

_You would let it go, not bother wasting too much of your time, but he already took it from you._

Maybe that was a lie and he smiled as he admitted it to himself. It wasn't only about the way the salesman had treated his assistant, more than that, his manner made him curious, the way time acted around him, as if it passed him by.

_But why are you here? Why can't you remember?_

When the man in front of him simply turned around and made his way back to the car without at least attempting to be civil, he hadn't had the time to consciously decide that he couldn't accept it. That this wasn't going to do.

_You stopped time and made sure to get a grip on your thoughts._

He had felt time pass through the spaces between his fingers, floating in its usual rhythm until a single spark of anger was enough to make it stop, to freeze the scene in front of him into an endless second. There hadn't been a need to look at his wrist to know that the seconds weren't moving, that his anger had once again gifted him whole minutes that never occupied more than a second.

The muscular body that had been just about to run away from him paused in the middle of a step and he remembered feeling triumphant about it, like he had finally won by stopping the motions and keeping the other man from running away.

His memories were clear and without holes, helping him to recall bit by bit. He had talked and made his way over to the frozen body, examining how it stopped in the middle of a step and attempted to run.

He had examined the other man, leaned in to whisper in his ear and leave him with a feeling of words against his ear, but no occurrence to remember it by and then- then…

_Then he looked._

He gasped out loud at the sudden image that appeared in front of his inner eye. Pitch black eyes without a pupil, rising slowly even though they shouldn't have, even though there was no way to move when time wasn't. Nobody was able to move in frozen time, nobody but him. It shouldn't have been possible, but apparently it was because he had seen it. He had seen every bit of the way Hoseok Lee had lifted his head and given him a simple and clear reply before grinning shamelessly.

'No,' he had said. 'No' because he had absolutely no intentions of giving back the time he had stolen, time he knew he could influence. time that…

Again, his eyes widened and he glanced at the clock in his car dashboard, the clock that showed six in the evening when his meeting with the salesman had been at half past three.

_Time passed but… without you._

There were no memories of what happened, nothing but those pitch-black eyes staring at him and saying 'no' and the memory of suddenly opening his eyes because another car honked at him. There was nothing in between, nothing at all.

_Because of him. Because he stole it, every single second in between._

The angry groan that left his mouth was loud enough to echo in the space of his car as time suddenly resumed for a few seconds before stopping all over again, responding to his emotional state.

_He didn't want to see you and stole two hours of your time to escape, just like that._

He must have been in shock during those few seconds where he let go of time in his hands and allowed another person to rip it away from him. Stopping time didn't work backwards. There was no way to return it, to get it back now that it had passed. Every single second that he might have enjoyed and extended was gone now, gone forever.

_He took something that you will never get back._

Inhaling sharply, he held the air in his lungs and allowed time to continue its flow, to have his car drive towards the other end of the city. His right hand pressed a button to connect a call, waiting for a familiar male voice to reply.

"Oh hi, I didn't expect you to call," he heard the young man answer.

_You didn't either._

"It was spontaneous because I know you can help me with something," he remarked and kept his smile attached to the words, enjoying the fact that it was easy to get the information he needed, the knowledge to act. "Remember when we talked about that ex-boss of yours and how much he upset you?"

"I- yeah, sure. Luckily you were next to me that evening."

He hummed and rested his elbow at the bottom of the car window, leaning his head against it.

“He took my favorite sunglasses, by accident or not, but I want them back. Could you… give me his address?”

Time passed slowly enough for him to take in every letter of the street name, the apartment number and the brief description of the highest building in the city. The clouds stuttered briefly on their way south as he grabbed the wheel tighter, ready to make Hoseok Lee pay for what he had stolen.

***

Only a few hours before the blue would darken, before the clouds would move faster because he could make them. Now, the sky was still covered in a mixture of white and blue, like that one sweater his assistant always wore. The assistant that he didn’t have and didn’t need anymore. There was no use in thinking about decisions that were right and there was no use in reminiscing about things that were irrelevant, so he crossed his legs and grabbed his book from the black couch table. The pages felt nice and it smelled like the perfume that he used to cover his own scent. His own, natural scent attracted others too much and forced him into situations he would rather not remember, so he could either not meet anybody at all, which was a nice outlook, but unfortunately not possible, or he had to cover his own scent with something else. It had worked until now. Until…

_Until that annoyance appeared out of nowhere._

A spark burned his chest and he threw the shirt off his shoulders, unable to take any fabric with how hot his skin was. Glancing at the book, he read the first paragraph to distract himself.

‘What, if some day or night a demon were to steal after you into your loneliest loneliness and say to you: 'This life as you now live it and have lived it, you will have to live once more and innumerable times more' ... Would you not throw yourself down and gnash your teeth and curse the demon who spoke thus? Or have you once experienced a tremendous moment when you would have answered him: 'You are a god and never have I heard anything more divine,’ Nietzsche had written.

He laughed briefly. He didn’t need a demon to tell him that he had to live this life, because it has been his reality for as long as he could remember, in addition… he wasn’t alive. Being alive meant that it was possible to die, but those things weren’t part of his existence.

_But what if it’s an actual demon? Someone who can do more than a human, someone evil, someone who has the skill to… to destroy you. You could..._

Another spark lit up, but this time it was his mind being flooded with sentences he had thought before, words he knew by heart. They reminded him that he had a mission, that he existed for a reason and that existence couldn’t be questioned. Nothing could be questioned. His job was to be and to make sure that everything was going smoothly.

Time was passing too slowly as he lifted his gaze from his book and glanced at the clouds that simply floated their way until there was a brief change. He was sure that nobody else would have noticed, but he did and he felt it.

_It’s stuttering._

The realization caught him by surprise, forcing him to inhale and jump from the couch because of the sweetness that suddenly entered his body, occupied his thoughts and changed them, made them seem like a sugar-coated version of the truth.

_You have a mission, but are you sure what you’re supposed to do? Why can’t you question if that’s what you feel like? Don’t you want to feel too?_

It was so sudden that he held his breath, forcefully exhaling and pushing out any air that was left inside his body and causing his skin to turn burning hot. So hot that he couldn’t stay still.

_You need to find the source. Is it from your clothes from before? Burn them._

Time passed in a split second as he was at the door and about to take out the paper bag containing the clothes he had worn before, but the air changed. The air was dragged by time slowing down, stuttering right in front of his nose.

_It can’t be._

He could’ve found out if he inhaled once, but he didn’t want to risk it, still dizzy from the scent and how it changed his thoughts. The clarity that was so reassuring but was stained so easily by the sweetest of sweet.

_Don’t you want to smell it again?_

No. He didn’t, but he couldn’t keep fabric against his skin if he didn’t. His thighs were burning and it was only a few seconds before his fingers would’ve ripped it from his skin. A long inhale followed right before it rang in his ears. It might have been the scent that appeared to drown him in a bucket of caramelized lead, or maybe, it was the bell.

_You need to get rid of it. It can’t be happening. This is not how it’s supposed to be._

He wasn’t stupid or reckless, but he couldn’t do much apart from opening the door. The nuisance knew where he lived and he wanted something from him. He had a grip on time, and it was better to be prepared and fight than to run away and end up motionless in frozen time.

_You need to get used to the scent._

Putting on a grin and fixing the black jeans that burned his hips, he typed in the code and let the door slide open.

“So... what are you. A dog? Will you leave if I pet you?”

He was met with bright blue eyes that peeked over the edge of a pair of pitch-black sunglasses and a bright grin, spreading the other man’s plump mouth into a thin line.

“Depends on the intensity and duration,” his visitor remarked and needed exactly one second to slip under his arm and into his apartment. He could hear the amusement in the low voice.

"Aren't dogs usually obedient?" he asked, taking half a breath to not rip his jeans off his skin and followed. The last time someone visited his apartment had been ten years ago when he bought it. The salesman had been here. "The way I see it, you already have someone to pet you, so why would you come here?"

“You make it sound like somebody owns me, but I will have to disappoint you, I come and go as I desire.” The tall man didn’t hesitate to walk through his hallway before turning around with the same bright grin and leaning against the wall, hands loosely wrapped around his waist. “Obedience comes after taming.”

"You make it sound as if I care whether anybody owns you. I just want you to leave, but I guess you must be hurt because the day passed so fast. You can be hurt. And leave." There was no fabric on his torso, but it still burned because he couldn't force himself to breathe properly, not with the scent invading his body and mind like this.

_You'll burn._

"I'm not hurt," the low voice remarked as the intruder pushed himself off the wall and bridged the distance between them in a matter of seconds. He could feel the change in air, the stuttering in the flow that constantly surrounded the other man's hands, as if he held onto the strings of time without actually pulling them this time. The sunglasses were removed from the small face and the black border around the ice blue was even more prominent from up close. "I'm curious."

_He's curious?_

"Uh-uh. Can't you be curious about someone else? Or will you get all worked up again and pull on the flow like a hysterical chihuahua? I'm not sure what you are and how you're doing it, but just do it somewhere far away from me." He stepped back instinctively because it seemed like the sweetness was curling around his body without him actually inhaling any air, as if it only waited for a second of weakness to pull him into the abyss he was looking at.

"I don't know anybody else who is able to steal two hours in the blink of an eye, so how could it be anybody but you?" Those eyes were still focused on his own, but he felt the air change close to his chest as a slim but big palm lifted in the air and hovered right in front of it. "Is that you blushing because you're happy to see me or are you about to set me on fire?"

The proximity was so sudden that he inhaled, feeling dizzy but still trying to get a grip on time, to skip some of it in case it got too close.

_It already is too close. Way too close._

"You'll burn yourself. Would you like to jump to tomorrow? They said it's going to be sunny," he commented and grinned, feeling his eyes dilate because of the energy he had to use to keep his body temperature, to hold onto the flow and to handle the overwhelming sweetness. His back was tingling too, so he held his breath for a second or two, increasing the burning of his skin as a consequence.

"Do you really need the sun of tomorrow if you're like this today?" He could still feel the proximity of the other man's hand, the millimeters it bridged by moving closer and almost grazing his skin. "You make it really hard to resist, you know."

He stared, wondering why it suddenly sounded as if the man with the dog eyes wanted something that involved… touching.

_No way._

"Do you think I'm stupid? I can smell it. Your scent. I guess that's how you're doing it, but I won't just turn into a mindless idiot and do what you want only because you smell like a freshly baked cookie. But then again…" He tried to push at time but observed how the black hue of those blue eyes got thicker, immediately reacting to his attempts. "But then again, you're more focused on keeping your grip, so what is it that you want? To be burned? It hurts. To hurt me? You can't."

The seconds that passed without a reply felt even longer than usual and with the hand so close to his skin it felt like torture, but there were no stutters, so it must have been his own perception playing tricks on him, skewing time.

"A freshly baked cookie you say," the low voice murmured eventually and those thick lips spread in a smile, leaning in just enough to inhale deeply and exhale against his shoulders and observe the way the air changed temperature in a matter of seconds. "Interesting, because you smell the same to me."

_The same?_

The surprise forced him to inhale again, making him drowsy, but the feeling of jeans fabric melting into his thighs faded a little to the back. "No… No way."

"Isn't it just a perception? To me I smell plain, but it seems to be a treat for you. Why shouldn't you be a treat for me? You surely look like one." One of the blue eyes closed in a wink and all five fingers of the delicate hand curled once as if fighting the desire to reach out and touch.

_Now._

The wink was enough for him to pull at the grip that was still tight but allowed him a few seconds that he used to step away towards the living room until suddenly, he couldn't move anymore.

_He stopped it._

Again, it felt like the flow stuttered and remained in one spot as he moved the fingers on his right hand slowly, so slowly that it annoyed him.

"Scared?" he heard as one step followed the next, moving towards him and only intensifying the scent through his slow inhales.

"No," he pressed out and used more strength to lift his gaze. "You?" How could he feel scared if he didn’t feel anything in the first place? Not like the people around him.

"No," the plump mouth spoke as their eyes met and once again there was no distance between them. "Only intrigued."

His skin tingled and he felt the energy that rushed through his body ready to fight the flow of time that pulled on him, made him sluggish.

"Intrigued?" He mobilized more strength from inside his chest and lifted one of his hands to brush over his hair as he licked over his lips slowly. His skin was burning less because he inhaled, but the scent was so sweet that his eyes dilated as soon as his chest rose. "What are you trying to do by holding back the flow? Impress me?"

The particular bit of skin on his back was tingling more and more because he released an insane amount of energy, fists clenching and moving a step forward through the frozen time. He could move. It was exhausting, but he could mobilize more energy if necessary. He had enough of it.

_Be careful. It's not worth it._

"Impress you?" that plump mouth muttered, not even batting an eye as he seemed as free as a bird in frozen time. "I have no need for that."

The palm right in front of his chest felt cool compared to the temperature of his skin, almost icy. A few millimeters still remained, but the man in front of him didn't move it and kept perfectly still instead. As if he knew how much his skin was burning.

"But I have a need for you."

The proximity was too much to take, so he exhaled every particle of air that rushed through his body and remained still until the burning made his eyes dilate and his back tingle.

"You don't. But I guess you want to get burned to experience it," he whispered and moved forward, close enough to let those icy fingers touch the middle of his chest that felt hot like the sun. He had a bitter taste on his tongue from letting someone touch him, but there was no other way to break the other man's grip on the flow and he knew it.

_You aren't supposed to be touched by anybody._

There was a scream, loud at first before it faded away into absolute silence as the man in front of him pulled his hand away. He could see the reaction so well because he was close, the black outer circle of those blue eyes got thinner and the intensity of the color changed. For a split second it became as bright as sunlight on snow, too much to look at. The pain was easy to see as well, the extended silent scream that kept the other man's lips parted as he wrapped his fingers around his wrist without holding onto his hurt palm.

The air around them changed and so did the pressure on his limbs, the sluggishness finally disappeared and returned the flow of time to the state it was meant to be in.

_Now._

He focused all his energy on the flow and grabbed it so firmly that it again stuttered, as if they were still pushing and pulling on it endlessly, but it was his. He could feel it and pushed, glancing through the window and watching the clouds rush past the building, colored in pink, then red and then violet before turning into thin smoke on a dark night sky.

He inhaled, but the sweetness remained unchanged, making him dizzy and something else that he couldn't put anywhere before he returned his gaze to the place where he expected to find his black carpet and nothing else.

_Why…_

Instead of the fabric, he saw the tall, black haired man, watching him with his big dog eyes, bright blue with a black hue that changed its thickness easily.

_Why is he still here?_

Maybe the pain was too much to move, so he checked the spot that should've been burned, but instead of a burn, he could see the skin slowly regaining its natural color, pulling together until there were only a few white circles left.

_This isn't possible. It isn't, unless…_

Unless the person in front of him wasn't one.

His gaze found those eyes again and he stepped closer, holding time in an iron grip and observing the hue and the brightness change.

"You must be insane to remain standing here," he whispered.

"I am," the other man began and he could hear the strain in his voice, how he was fighting against the natural desire of his body to move and go about his life. He saw the tension in the balled fists, the strings of time that moved too quickly to grab a hold of. "But so are you."

He shook his head, disbelieving that there was somebody who could simply remain in front of him instead of moving as far away as possible, going on with his life, running away after being burned. The scent got more intense because he had moved closer to observe the other man's eyes, how they changed depending on his position and how tightly he held the strings of time in his grip. A thought developed in his mind as he took another step forward, wondering whether the scent would swallow him if he did.

_What if… what if you are insane?_

***

Pitch black eyes without a pupil, skin so hot it cleanly burned through his own, leaving thin scars as if he was somebody whose skin wasn't able to heal up completely, shut every wound over a span of many years. He could still feel the pain, the way it tugged at his fingers and fogged over his mind, but the pain alone wasn't enough to break his focus.

His fingers were wrapped tightly around his wrist, applying so much pressure that his knuckles turned white and the tension in his muscles forced his body to tremble. He could feel the weight of every single second, of the spark that it left with. There was no calm and no strings dancing around his fingertips. Instead there was nothing but a sea of time that he couldn't interrupt or touch, not when it flew so quickly.

His eyes were observing the man in front of him, his naked chest that had left marks on his palm, his broad shoulders and his straight stance. The handsome face was turned towards the window as if nothing was happening around them.

Hoseok Lee was standing close to his window, perfectly relaxed, stance loose as he observed the clouds pass by. He had never seen anything like that before, the quick change in sunset colors, the night illumination that switched on and bright headlights of cars that passed by on the highway below them. Had there been a clock on the wall, he would have seen the hands move smoothly, like a hidden force that pushed them without caring about the rules of time.

An imminent pulling at his limbs kept calling for his attention, waking the desire to move and go about his business, to follow the things he had thought about doing after his visit. The thoughts were there, moving just as quickly and repeating as if they weren't his own, producing a course of action and ideas. They sounded like something he might decide to do, but he wasn't doing it, hadn't decided to do any of it.

_You decided to stay close._

He forced his fingers to curl up into fists despite the painful burn and grabbed a hold of the strings of time he was able to reach, the loose ones that didn't belong anywhere. He wouldn't have been able to stop time in this state, but he was able to bear the rush, the discomfort he felt against his body.

The difference between the hours passing outside and the man in front of him observing the sight calmly was disorienting. Time passed so fast and his body felt changed, but the muscular man in front of him only moved slowly as he turned around and finally met his gaze.

_He's right. You are insane._

He was insane for allowing time to pass the way it did, for remaining frozen to the wooden floor while a burning sensation developed in his legs and lungs. He could have tried to move, even if just a little, but every single motion might have broken the moment, stolen his grip on his actions. He didn't want to lose control and be led by time, not the way it had already happened once.

Despite the strain, he kept his gaze on those black eyes, observing them come closer as Hoseok Lee took a step towards him, slowly. In the middle of a rushing ocean of time that almost swept him off his feet, the beautiful blonde creature carefully moved closer. He registered how the muscular chest rose along with an inhale and those pitch-black eyes dilated. There was no pupil, but it seemed as if the iris had changed its size, getting bigger then smaller and then bigger again with the decreasing distance between them. There must've been something that Hoseok Lee reacted to.

Maybe it was his scent that he mentioned before, or something else, but he could see it in those eyes that were only a breath away and felt the heat that came from the body that was so close to his, permeating through the fabric of his clothes.

"Maybe. Maybe I'm insane too," the low voice breathed out, and forced goosebumps to appear on his skin. The minutes rushed past him just like that when those red lips appeared to only be a breath away, burning against his own. Black eyes pulled him in and widened, swallowing him whole. The hot mouth released an exhale that was delicious enough to part his lips.

He felt a single spark of fire and suddenly, there was a nothingness that was as deep as a void.

_

A hot mouth was against his own, nibbling on his bottom lip and moaning into the touch. It was warm, maybe even hot, but it didn't fit the burning he had expected, the pain that should have followed the touch.

_The touch that you still yearn for even though it hurts._

His eyes opened slowly and he pulled the man in his arms closer, caressing his curved back and the white shirt that had slipped all the way down to his hips, leaving a smooth, bare back. A smile spread his lips as he kissed back with vigor and used his hands to elicit those breathy sounds of pleasure he enjoyed, the gasps and begs that followed if only he played for long enough.

There was nothing unusual about the situation at first glance. He was with a beautiful man, lying in a bed that wasn't his and embracing intimately, kissing as the amount of clothing they wore gradually reduced. It was the kind of experience he searched for, pleasure that was short lived but that he was able to extend. A feeling that every human should experience more of, an addicting cocktail of affection and pleasure.

_The drink you mix best._

He chuckled and let his lips travel lower along his partner's jaw, feeling a bit of stubble against his lips but not minding it too much. It was a sensation too, another way to add burning to his chest, almost as hot as the body of the man who had burned his hand. He could see the fine lines that remained, a hint of white that shouldn't have been there. Scars that a human shouldn't have been able to leave on his skin.

_What happened? Why are you here?_

His eyes widened briefly, but he didn't let the man he was with realize. His thoughts were his own and had no place when feelings were involved. He remembered the pain against his palm as if it had happened mere minutes ago, just like the hot lips that had been close enough to kiss but had transformed into the lips of another person. Something must have happened.

He had the memories of the time in between, of leaving the unfamiliar apartment and going to a bar the way he always did. He remembered meeting somebody, but none of their conversation, not even the name. He never forgot the name of the person he was with.

His fingers danced over the other man's shoulders and hair as he tried to remember, caressing him with his hands before he replaced the sensation with his lips. The distraction was his fault, so he let his hands and lips move while his mind tried to understand what had happened, why his memories were superficial.

His gaze travelled from hardened nipples and gorgeous blushed spots around the man's collarbones to a clock on the wall. A clock that showed the late evening.

_He pushed time again._

His fingers tensed up and curled into fists, searching for the strings of time that weren't anywhere close. He could feel their presence, but they hadn't been wrapped around his wrists as usual, ready to pause as soon as he wanted them to. Hoseok Lee had manipulated him by leaning in and using his anticipation to rip time from his grasp completely.

_That bastard._

"Wow," his companion chuckled before moaning out loud and throwing his head back. His anger had transformed into actions and his touches had become rougher, enough to make the man in his arms breathless. It was a welcome distraction, a pleasant sensation of human skin and warm breaths tickling his neck. He didn't need a human who stole his time, a human who smelled like dessert but dissipated into thin air as soon as he was close enough to taste it with the tip of his tongue.

_You don't need that._

He was almost convinced after repeating it inside his mind for the third time as he closed his mouth around a delicious patch of skin, right palm holding onto the man's hips to keep them in place. He wanted to enjoy every millisecond, observe how muscles tensed, lips parted in a moan, fingers flexed and toes curled. He wanted to experience it all, be it by producing it or feeling it himself.

Air slipped through his fingertips and he enjoyed the way it felt, how easily he could decipher the sensation from all others. The motions were slow and he expected time to carefully wrap around his wrists now that it was finally his again. He waited for the feeling, but it simply didn't come. Instead he felt how time shifted even though it shouldn't have. Turning his head towards the windows of the ground floor apartment, he saw a fancy car drive by, a car that he recognized before he recognized the blonde hair, the black eyes and the strings of time that were once again ripped out of his hands for a few minutes until he got a hold of them again. Minutes that left him without a high while his partner lay sated in his arms.

"You're amazing," the man next to him gasped, breathless after his orgasm as he loosely held onto him and was barely able to keep his eyes open.

"Shh," he replied and quickly grabbed some tissues to wipe off the remnants of a high that was stolen from him while holding onto the strings of time with as much force as he was able to. Time still passed, but much slower, so slowly that he provided just enough of it for the man in his arms to fall asleep while the car that had rushed by couldn't get too far from him.

_Not far enough to escape._

He wasn't a very violent person but having the one thing on earth he enjoyed being taken away from him made him want to close his long fingers around that thick throat and press just long enough to have his peace. He was furious and felt his blood boil more with every passing moment, but the options were limited. He had to act quickly, no matter the risks.

_He's not going to let you come close otherwise. He considers your scent a temptation he has to resist._

His desires were less clear than usual. On the one hand he felt the need to bury his nails in Hoseok Lee's skin and take back all the time he had stolen from him, but at the same time he wanted to climb on those thighs and shut the guy up with his lips, prove to him that he was missing out while skipping over the best parts.

_He's not really living and thinks it's what he wants._

As soon as the man in his arms closed his eyes and evened out his breathing, he let go and slipped back into his jeans. His shirt had only been pushed up, so he fixed it with his eyes focused on the clock. It was so pleasant to see the second hand stop as soon as he applied more pressure and tightened his grip on time dancing around his fingertips. He couldn't afford losing any more of it.

_You can't let him get away with this._

Smiling at the sleeping man on the bed, he pressed the light switch and closed his eyes for a split second. Once he opened them again, he leaned back against the black leather of a car seat and observed a green traffic light that nobody crossed. The people around him were frozen in time, in the middle of a step, a phone call, their way home or a gesture of greeting. But they weren't his goal.

"You," he hissed and turned around to finally look at the blonde man sitting in the driver's seat with his head thrown back and hands on the wheel. He reached out quickly to grab the headrest and lean even closer, forcing himself to hold back the desire to use his nails, to leave some kind of mark, to express his anger.

"Now you appear out of nowhere, like an unwanted pimple. Weren't you busy just now?" the low voice exhaled as the gorgeous bastard turned towards him slowly. "I guess my car seat feels better than that lap."

_As if._

"You wish," he hissed and easily climbed over the gear shift and settled on top of the other man's thighs, not bothering to check whether they were safe enough to touch. Only when their bodies touched did he realize that the other man's skin wasn't as hot as before, only warmer than his own. "You can't just ruin my fun and expect me not to demand compensation."

Being so close while time was stuck allowed him to observe those pitch-black eyes widen as the iris changed its size, mouth parting for an inhale.

"You," the low voice hissed and Hoseok Lee attempted to hold his breath, but had to inhale once again, showing a reaction to what must be his scent. "You're going to have scars all over your body if you don't climb off me right now."

"Try me," he replied and focused on the sensation of warmth. It seemed to reduce as soon as the man below him inhaled but increased as soon as his lips shut and black eyes examined him. He used the moment to place his hands on each side of Hoseok Lee's head with a rough motion and thereby got another sudden inhale as a present.

_It's cooler when he breathes, like an oven you open briefly._

"I don't think you understand. The more you annoy me, the harder I'm going to push. I bet you didn't realize that you were standing in front of me eagerly a day ago? With your lips parted and eyes bright blue." Hoseok Lee inhaled again, iris dilating and strain visible on the handsome face and those thighs flexing under him. "You're holding onto it well now, but for how long?"

_A day, he stole a whole day._

The anger only increased and he tightened his grip on the headrest before allowing his hands to slip lower to the other man's shoulders. He didn't hold on too tightly, too aware of the sensations his hands produced and how to make them pleasant.

"Look at that," he remarked and pushed his weight down in another rough motion, just enough to see Hoseok Lee's lips part and nose suck in oxygen. "You also seem to be in front of me with your lips parted, only that your eyes are pitch black. I kind of like that."

"You… Your scent is driving me insane," the other man pressed out, hands curled into fists so tightly that it looked a bit painful. "Can't you… "

"Give you more?" he interrupted and reduced the space between them even further, noses brushing and his elbows resting on muscular shoulders instead of his palms. His scent must be the reason for the other man not inhaling, but at the same time it was also his key to remain in control, to be the one with his hands tightly wrapped around time.

_You like this. It's exciting._

He smiled at the emotions that developed in his chest and shifted his hips just enough to sit more comfortably, enjoying the warmth and the way the other man's body felt against his.

"Is that how you do it? There's your scent and one stops thinking clearly, turns reckless, develops doubts and as all of that is happening, one is already lost. Drowned in the abyss." A strained exhale that took a long time followed, as if the man under him tried to get rid of every bit of air inside his body and he felt the skin under his thighs and elbows turn warmer gradually. "Climb off."

_You have to make him breathe._

"You don't actually want me to," he exhaled against the curved mouth and finally realized why the man below him attempted to stay away from him, to abandon every bit of his scent that remained in his lungs. Hoseok Lee considered his scent addicting, a danger to his rational mind, something he wasn't meant to have.

_But something that he wants._

He stayed close but used his right hand to stroke over the muscular chest, to caress the burning neck and trace the jugular with his fingertips before brushing over the beautiful lips with his thumb. "Why don't you let me drown you, Hoseok?"

Those raven black eyes pulled him in, staring right into his own. Usually people tried not to look for too long, but Hoseok didn't. The gorgeous creature never let his gaze slip away and it remained with him before he felt a brief touch against his thigh and the red mouth parted against the frozen time.

"Mhm. Why don't I?"

***

He fought. Fought against the time that, despite usually giving him freedom, tied him to the car seat, sluggish and only able to move using the amount of energy he needed to fly against gravity. He fought against the sweetest of scents, inhaling it, only to find himself staring longer and deeper into the abyss that opened in front of him. That wrapped around his body and pulled him closer, closer, closer.

'Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not become a monster. And if you gaze long enough into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.'

It did. The abyss gazed into him, transformed every thought that he used to put distance between himself and the weight on his thighs, the intoxicating pressure, the black hue around those bright blue eyes that tightened, catching him inside and not letting go. The abyss seemed like a welcome cooling for his burning body, offering relief for his pained muscles that tightened in an attempt to fight. Could he win like this?

_Do you want to win?_

A touch of those cold hands, parting his lips, an exhale that lingered endlessly in frozen time, a low voice asking him a question. A question he couldn't find an answer to no matter how hard he tried. An inhale, blurry lights around them, the strength that he used, but not to run away, not to grab the strings of time that he couldn't seem to get a grip on, but to reach out and touch the abyss, brushing his fingers over fabric that covered it, inhaling more and feeling dizzy.

"Mhm," he exhaled. "Why don't I?"

_Why don't you?_

Suddenly, he didn't know. He didn't know why he was staying away from the scent if it felt so good, if it made him want to have a taste. Have something he had never had before.

"So sweet… it makes me think that there's nothing else I want," he breathed out before inhaling again and letting the sweetness fuel the motions of his fingers that travelled over the jeans fabric, defying the time that stopped around him. "Is your taste the same as your scent?"

He heard a low chuckle, vibrating through the air and across his skin, against his lips because of how close it was, graspable with his fingertips. A cool sensation brushed over his jaw, danced along the bone and towards his neck, caressing the skin all the way to his collarbones as he stared into the abyss, unable to rip his gaze away.

“Why don’t you find out?”

_Why don't you?_

"I don't know. What… what will happen if I do? But maybe it's too late." The words sounded so true inside his mind, even though there was the knowledge that the scent must be manipulating him into thinking and saying that. "Maybe I should," he whispered, releasing the tension in his thighs and pulling it into his arms that moved over the curve of the slim waist, taking some of the fabric along as he inhaled again, unable to hold his breath with how it felt against his hot fingertips. It wasn't comparable to the way he experienced it before, it was more, enriched with scent and feeling, burning and forcing goosebumps on his skin. His head lifted from the car seat and he leaned forward, taking small steps right towards the edge of the abyss, careful but purposeful, overwhelmed by the scent, pulled in by those eyes, those red, parted lips that kept whispering that he wanted it, that he needed it, that it was the way it was supposed to be.

“Shh, you should,” the low voice whispered and he felt the sensation of something wet and warm against his neck, lips that vibrated against his skin as they spoke. “Nothing bad is going to happen.”

_Nothing is going to happen._

_Nothing._

He let out a breathy sound, exhaling roughly and felt his fingers wrap around the other man's waist, easily defying time as if coming closer to the abyss needed less strength than staying away from it. His lips parted before he licked over them, feeling how hot they were and how ready he was to be drowned, to let the abyss swallow him, show him what it was like… but-

_A shadow._

It rushed past his inner eye, refocusing his attention to the parallel dimension where a soul remained, fighting and unable to part.

_You have a mission. A task that you have to fulfil. How can you be so weak? You were chosen for this._

His back tingled so intensely that he barely managed to hold onto the energy that was about to release, instead wrapping it around the flow of time as he opened the door of his car, pushed the body out and accelerated the time with so much force that his sight became blurry, night lights mixing into the sunrise and repeating all over again until he felt he was far enough to think.

The shadow separated, but his hands, his skin and his thoughts remained stained. Changed. Standing in front of his window naked and inhaling for the first time in a week, he felt like the red stains of the sweetness were never going to disappear. No matter how much time passed.

_

‘True, we love life, not because we are used to living, but because we are used to loving. There is always some madness in love, but there is also always some reason in madness.’

_You don’t live and you don’t love. You don’t do anything apart from the things you are supposed to do and the farce around it. You’re not supposed to live or feel anything. Only exist and fulfill your mission at any point in time, without failure._

Exhaustion was a state he hadn’t been familiar with before, but he also hadn’t used so much energy at once without having to change appearance. A week passed in the blink of an eye and another day passed slowly, without him interfering as he needed to regain his strength. His fingers were reaching for the strings of time, sometimes tugging on them playfully, but he couldn’t do more, not if he knew that he needed all his available energy to fight. To fight the stains that reminded him of what he had done. To be prepared to remove his weakness as soon as he encountered it again. Clearly and without failure.

‘I assess the power of a will by how much resistance, pain, torture it endures and knows how to turn to its advantage,’ Nietzsche said. According to him, there was no power of will that he possessed. He couldn’t endure the pain, he didn’t try to resist and he couldn’t take a second of the torture, of the scent around him, of those hands against his skin that ripped his chest open and filled it with warm honey, with a tender scent of vanilla, with the pressure of exhales against his ear, wet mouth tasting his neck like a treat, pulling a sound of want from his lips. Making him want.

He couldn’t take the sensation and he couldn’t take the thoughts either, quickly leaving his car that he parked in front of the bank and walking past an apartment building when suddenly, it hit him again. The pulling in his chest, the warmth in his body, on his skin, all the spots that had been touched by someone, by a creature that resembled his personal abyss, by those fingers that had been killing him so tenderly. If only they could have.

_You would have gladly let him._

The scent didn’t come from his memory, from the stains that remained visible and etched onto his skin, but was fresh, alive, calling him and spreading like a raincloud, ready to drown him.

He stopped and leaned against the wall, but it didn’t disappear, only became more intense through his closed eyes. Through the sounds of the street, the people talking, the cars honking and the wind carrying the clouds far away from everything, he heard it. The whisper.

“Let me drown you,” the low voice said somewhere close. He wanted to scream, to fast forward a hundred years to forget it, but he knew he couldn’t. It was too late. The mistake was made.

“I’d love to. Drown me,” someone else said and it couldn’t have been in his mind, too foreign and resembling other sounds around him, so he turned, trying to find the source. First his attempts weren’t successful and he walked further, before stopping in front of an open apartment window located on the ground floor.

Yellow curtains moved because he had accidentally taken some time along, but only so little that the people inside the apartment didn’t realize, leaving him the freedom to watch something he never wanted to see. He never thought he wanted to see. He…

Skin. Bare skin, glistening in the last rays of the approaching sunset, golden and throwing long red shadows on the wooden floors, on the walls. A scene of heat and desire, desperation and pleasure connecting and dancing on the white sheets of the bed, entangling and untangling again, accompanied by the music of two pairs of lips. Fingers connecting to thick strands of hair, tugging on it like on time, asking for more, with their tongues and their voices. Time slowed down, and so did every touch, every single whisper and sound that he could hear as if it was inside his mind, joining the view, making him inhale the sweetness and the scent of desire, the musky scent of want that spread despite the seconds sluggishly moving towards the next minute. More touches, less whispers and breathy, desperate sounds accumulated inside his mind and sounded like a heavy classical piece that left him breathless as soon as it was over.

_That…_

He felt how his body burned, but it couldn’t be the case, not if he inhaled frequently enough to make him a bit dizzy.

‘I love you,’ the other person said and he held his breath, clenching his fists to regain composure, to remember what it was that he was supposed to do. What was he even doing?

‘Mhm. I know,’ the low voice travelled through the open window, along with the scent and settled inside his mind, adding to the stains that he was covered in. ‘Doesn’t it feel nice?’

Something pulled inside him and he turned around, fighting the way his perceptions bloomed inside his chest, tugged on his muscles and made his thoughts doubtful and unclear. He was supposed to do something. Something that didn’t involve watching an act he had no interest in. Something that didn’t concern him because he wasn’t feeling. Because he wasn’t living and because he wasn’t loving either.

_But what is it that he wants by doing it? What does he want by doing it all the time?_

‘Ultimately, it is the desire, not the desired, that we love,’ he remembered Nietzsche saying. It must’ve been the feeling of desire that the blue-eyed abyss wanted to have for himself, to prolong, to keep.

_But why you, if there is no desire inside you? There is nothing inside you._

_He must’ve been mistaken._

_

Too many thoughts and too much turbulence inside him. It was exhausting to keep it in check without using his grip on time to fast forward it for himself, but there was no use. He wouldn’t die anytime soon, would he?

Chuckling briefly, he opened the door to the apartment on the top floor and led the young man inside. As usual, he ignored the very obvious gaze and explained the features briefly, made sure that the property was bought for personal use and led him through the rooms one by one.

“My partner is coming in a few minutes because I wanted him to like it too,” the man said and glanced at his phone with a smile. Whatever. As long as it was sold quickly he didn’t care.

“You would have to show him the rooms, I won’t do it again.”

“Why not? I’m interested,” a low voice breathed out before he realized that time had been moving differently for a while. He was too exhausted and let his guard down. How could he have left his guard down if he knew that he must’ve been around? If he had seen him, heard him, felt him?

“Leave,” he whispered, immediately holding his breath and glancing at the client who looked a bit confused at first, but attached himself to the tall, black-haired man, as if he wasn’t an abyss about to swallow him.

"Aren't you being rather rude to somebody you have treated decently before?" his abyss replied, brushing through his black hair and fixing his sunglasses. His eyes must be a rare sight to most but had already burned their way inside his mind. "As you heard my opinion matters, so please resume."

“It can matter. It just doesn’t matter to me. I won’t sell it,” he commented through gritted teeth and blamed himself for not being smarter about this and only coming out after his strength was back and he had enough of it to fight against the other man's influence. The client turned towards him and started arguing that his partner hadn't done anything to be treated that way and the words stopped making any sense after the third one. In addition, he had no interest and no focus left to pretend. Stepping closer, he lifted his right palm, thankfully not too hot yet and isolated his thumb and index finger that he pushed against the man’s neck, making him sink to the floor in a split second, unconscious. He hadn’t done anything similar since that one client who kept following him around and attempted to get close, but there was no other choice.

“Leave and take your toy with you,” he breathed out, keeping his lips shut tightly so no scent could enter his nose. It was quite effective, but his skin started burning immediately, heating up and making the fabric feel like lava spilled on top of him.

"What a nice way to solve problems," the man he tried to avoid spoke through gritted teeth until his expression transformed into a smile once again, as if nothing was able to shift his mood apart from a loss of time. He heard his steps before he saw them, moving towards him until he didn't need to inhale the scent to know that it was right there, wrapping around him.

"What if I don't?"

It didn’t surprise him. Of course, it didn’t, he had seen more and knew what that person could do, so he hadn’t expected him to leave after being asked to. The problem was that he couldn’t push time, not effectively and not without all the side effects it had in his current state.

“Nothing. You will stay here and I will leave,” he hissed, fingers tugging on the red blazer and letting it slip down his shoulders to the expensive black tiles.

It only stayed on the floor for a few seconds that he struggled to keep track of as long fingers picked it up and pressed the red fabric to a round nose and plump lips.

"Is this a present for me? The scent is addicting," the low voice spoke inside his mind once again, wrapping the blazer around broad shoulders. "Or would you prefer me to reduce the layers on my skin the way you are?"

“No,” he said quickly, iris dilating because he knew what it meant. “I will leave.” He stepped forward, moving towards the big glass windows and the built-in elevator to maybe escape in time without burning the clothes on his skin.

"Will… you?" he heard a soft whisper, without emphasizing the words. There was no need for emphasis because time created it all on its own. Each step felt like a journey through quicksand, pulling him deeper with every single syllable. His abyss had closed his fingers around the strings of time. "Stay, Hoseok."

He knew. Of course, he knew that he couldn’t leave. Not like this. Not after stealing a week of time that the blue-eyed creature could’ve filled with more desire, but he couldn’t do anything about that either. It was too late, he couldn’t get a grip on the flow without endangering himself and he couldn’t breathe because he was weak. He couldn’t breathe, so he mobilized the energy that was accompanied by the tingling in his back and lifted his hand, slowly undoing the buttons on his shirt that felt like a broiling piece of iron against his heated skin.

“You’re mistaken. There is nothing that you can get from me. Nothing that you might want.”

He felt the smile and chuckle before he heard them, closer than he remembered them being. His abyss had stepped towards him, hands close but not daring to touch him yet, swallowing loudly instead.

"You know that's not true, Hoseok."

“You made a mistake. You are trying to see something that isn’t there. Don’t waste your time if it’s so precious to you. Fill it the way you want instead of standing here with me.” It was hard to speak, to not allow a single particle of that scent to enter his body, but it still did. Some of it did, but he still didn’t breathe, remembering oh so well how it felt, how it transformed him into nothingness, a victim of want. He closed his eyes briefly to focus on letting the shirt drop to the floor to not feel the burning, but it still wasn’t enough and it hurt.

"What if filling it with you is what I want?" he heard in reply as hands roamed over his skin without touching him, dancing in the air and close enough to feel the heat. The proximity was too much and so was the burning of his skin, enough for those long fingers to move back a few centimeters to avoid being hurt.

“That doesn’t make any sense,” he breathed out, reaching for the button of his red suit pants, fully aware of how it must look, but those long fingers had been burned once, and he knew it was the safest way for him right now. His back tingled more and more, muscles moving and flexing under his shoulder blades. Maybe the heat was enough to make it stop. To make the person who was trying to touch the burning air around him understand that there was no way. “You are searching for something, aren’t you? What is it? Love? Desire? You don’t understand that I don’t feel anything. There is nothing I can give you.”

Instead of a reply, those wandering fingers brushed over his hair, lightly enough to not get hurt. Lips inhaled close to his shoulder, exhaling once they were close enough to his ear.

"Lies." Air met his hot skin, pleasantly cold against the burning heat. "You can, but you're afraid, aren't you?"

"You don't like the truth, but it doesn't make it less real. I can't feel anything, but you can. I've seen it. Don't waste your time." His pants slipped down and he stepped out of them, remaining in underwear only in front of the big windows that showed the clouds stayed in their place and the cars stopped on the highway. "My skin is so hot, I think I'm burning myself," he whispered and smiled. It had never been this hot before because he never had to fight this much against anything.

"Then breathe," the voice next to him whispered, gaining urgency. It almost sounded like the owner of the voice struggled as much as he did, reaching his limit as he stroked the air without being able to touch him, as if despite stopping time he felt it running out. "Breathe, Hoseok."

His strength was slowly draining. Keeping the heat with no additional energy was exhausting and made him dizzy. Going against the flow of time that remained still around him was straining too. Maybe that's how people felt if they said they had no energy left, that they felt tired. But he didn't feel, so what was it?

"I know that you'll have me if I do," he pressed out, unable to produce enough sound to be heard and sunk to his knees.

_Can you really fight this? Or do you not want to fight it?_

"Shh," the low voice returned right next to his ear and fingers danced over his hair once more, not daring any closer. "I am only able to give what you desire, Hoseok. No more, no less."

_It's you?_

The thought pulled him out of his focus, scaring him and making him inhale like he had never done before, sucking in every bit of air he could find and breathing quickly, roughly, fingers buried in his thighs as his mind filled with the scent that enveloped everything around him, inside him, within him.

_He wants to get close because of you? Because you want it?_

"This can't be," he whispered, swallowing and inhaling again.

"Do you… " the man next to him began as those fingertips caressed from his hair down his neck to his shoulders, dancing tenderly along his arm, "think it is wrong?"

The touch was still careful, without pressure, without leaving a mark the way he still remembered being touched before. Time remained still and lips extended the seconds only further as a soft kiss was pressed to his left shoulder, leaving the spot wet. "The way you describe my scent tells me that you want me, Hoseok."

_But the scent was there before your thoughts. The scent existed before._

"I recognized it before. It was there before and I can smell it without seeing you. It's driving me insane and it's messing up my mind. I just want the clarity back. Give it back to me." He turned with the last bit of strength he had left and met the blue eyes that were so much brighter than usual, resembling those of a husky dog in the snow. "You can have everything, you freeze time and drink from every drink you can find, so why do you try to taste me? I… I can't taste like anything but nothingness."

A smile spread those plump lips as cool palms travelled all the way up to his face, cupping it and thumbs brushed over the corners of his mouth. The touches were affectionate somehow, the way he saw humans act towards each other, touch and be touched while feeling more than he could ever be able to.

"Why don't you let me be the judge of that?"

"Because it's a mistake. I'm your mistake. And you're mine." His lips parted in another inhale that he knew was another step towards a mistake, a step that he allowed to happen, despite knowing so well that it was wrong. He allowed his gaze to stay on the delicate features, on those big, strange eyes, those lips, burning their sight into his mind permanently.

"Something that feels so good cannot be a mistake," the low voice gasped before he suddenly felt arms wrap around his neck and a body settle on top of his naked thighs. Fabric covered most of his skin, but this time not his own. "It never is."

Lips closed around a patch of skin on his neck, nibbling on his collarbones right after while fingers tugged at his hair. His breaths weren't the only rapid ones and the closer he got, the easier it became to move and act, to breathe and save his strength. He should've saved it, but instead, he uncurled his fists and lifted both hands, holding onto the body on top of him, as if it would help him to not drown when he was underwater already.

"Maybe you don't know it, but I do. It is. It is a mistake because I can't stop thinking about it. About you. Nothing is the way it's supposed to be."

A long index finger pressed to his lips even before he spoke the last word, applying a little bit of pressure as thighs tightened around his own and a cool palm led his own towards the other man's slim waist.

"Shh," the addicting voice whispered before exhaling against his mouth. "Touch me, Hoseok."

_You touched him before. You've made the mistake already, so…_

His hands drew the curve of the slim hips, the prominent waist and his fingertips burned to know whether the skin under the silk fabric felt different. "Do they forget right after?" he asked, gaze catching those black-blue eyes and removing the sunglasses with his right hand. "They do, right?"

_They do, but you don't._

The plump mouth was parted as the man in his arms responded to his touch, goosebumps developing on his chest and arms and gasp filling the air. Only when his fingers paused on a hip bone, a cool hand returned to lead them further, to explore lean thighs and return to the familiar waist. A smile blossomed on the small face.

"Everybody who’s had me forgets, it's the way of things."

_Everybody. Everybody but you._

"But I won't. I can't," he breathed out, skin burning on the spots that the other man touched and making them more sensitive than the rest of his body, be it to the change of air, or the fabric that brushed over it.

"Of course." The smile remained and he observed it for a bit until the cool lips attached to his neck again, sending electricity throughout his body.

_He thinks you will forget._

"You- you fool," he muttered, finding the handsome face with his hands and grabbing it tightly to be able to look into those eyes. "You have no idea, do you?" He licked his lips but there wasn't much he could do to fight, not in that state. "What's your name?"

Palms covered the back of his hands and led them lower, back down to the other man's waist. Next, arms wrapped tightly around his neck and a cool body pressed flush against his own, closer than anybody has ever been.

The warm honey seeped through the rips in his chest that those long fingers pulled apart so easily and he inhaled more of the sweet scent, struggling to find an explanation for the way his skin burned despite inhaling regularly.

"Hyungwon," the voice whispered in his ear before pressing a kiss to the shell of it.

He was reckless. Reckless and weak to let a person be so close knowing that they would continue on as if nothing ever happened when he had a whole eternity to deal with it. There was a reason for staying away, it was supposed to be like that. He should be focusing on his task, and not the little bit of skin that his fingers brushed on their way down.

_There's no other way. You have to stop._

"I think I'll have to steal quite some time from you, Hyungwon," he exhaled before holding his breath, but not enough to burn, only to feel the tingling in his back that intensified as his energy built up slowly from between his shoulder blades. It's been a while, but he knew it was the only way to end this. "You won't let go if I tell you to, will you?"

Hyungwon's lips lifted away from his neck as their gazes met, ice blue eyes observing him and black circles narrowing until the other man finally spoke.

"I won't let you." He felt the additional stutter in time, how tightly Hyungwon was holding onto the strings in his hands, making them wrap around his slim wrists and leave marks that nobody but him could see.

"You don't have much choice here," he whispered and closed his eyes, focusing on the tingling, on how it intensified. It was uncomfortable but the energy that suddenly flowed through his body made it easy for him to stand up, letting the slim body slip from his lap. He knew that it would hurt and focused on the flow, on the way his muscles shifted and his bones rearranged before an explosion-like pain developed in the middle of his back, forcing an energy flow so powerful to occupy his bloodstream that his eyes opened and he felt his iris dilate indefinitely.

_You keep forgetting how strong you are._

Now it seemed like the frozen time was only a light breeze that passed him as he easily stepped closer and curled his fingers around those slim shoulders and pushed until he heard the sound of a body hitting the wall.

"You…" he breathed out and licked over his lips, observing the expression of shock on the handsome face and reached out, stroking over those full lips with his thumb. "... will have to find someone else to play with."

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	3. Unquenchable desire and the struggles of a polluted existence

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As usual, we update every second day ;)
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A buzzing sensation in his stomach, then in his chest as it travelled gradually towards his fingertips that started to tingle. A feeling that intensified the longer he observed those pitch-black eyes without a pupil that attempted to run away from him, escape him like they attempted to escape the natural flow of time.

_You live off the excitement he makes you feel._

There had never been a single human that resisted him before, not a single one that was able to push him away after getting a taste of his skin, of his words and the knowledge they conveyed. Knowledge was a friend and a foe, a source of desperation but also hope. He was able to transform desperation into a spark by using it correctly, by stepping close enough to overcome boundaries and figurative walls that the humans he encountered built up around themselves.

_But he isn't a human, is he?_

Knowledge was a fickle thing, one that escaped as soon as conclusions were drawn too quickly. He was never one to assume too much, it was part of his task, his destiny. Knowledge had to be gained in small parts, carefully to unravel its hidden secrets. Hoseok was one such secret, one that showed him new glimmers of its abilities the closer he got, the more he attached himself to the man who escaped through time.

_He provides you with emotions while attempting to spare himself the experience._

He balled his fists, focusing on the impact of his nails on the soft skin of his palms. It distracted him from the uncontrolled desire to waste too much strength, to take over time and grasp the man in front of him with both hands pulling the strings of time. It was irresponsible and involved too much energy, but each rejection he encountered only made him want it more.

His heart sped up in his chest when the man he was currently seeing sank unceremoniously to the floor, unconscious. He had never seen anybody use their bare hands to manipulate the airflow of another human, steal oxygen along with consciousness in a matter of seconds. But there was a first time for everything and the blonde man slowly taking off one piece of clothing after another was providing him with many of those.

_He knows exactly what he is doing, but where does he take the strength from? Why can he fight you?_

Curiosity took over the overwhelming desire to control and transformed into the main emotion he felt, bubbling inside of him like a hot spring. He let it grow, living off the strength it provided him with, strength to feel time that danced around his fingers. A hint of anger was present too, anger about the methods with which Hoseok attempted to fight him. Not many things were able to make him lose his cool but losing the sensations he constantly sought after was one of them.

_No matter what he threatens you with, he is afraid of his own desire. His desire to have you._

Lips spoke of one thing, but body language whispered something much more genuine, only for him to hear. He could still remember the desperation in Hoseok's voice when they had been in the car, his thighs on top of those muscular ones and hands roaming the muscular chest and back. He felt the tension and the desire, the two things he chased after and yearned to satisfy. They were there, but so was some kind of blockade, a conviction that he had no access to.

_It must be some kind of belief. The belief that he is doing something wrong, something forbidden._

Playfulness was his solution to Hoseok's attempts to distance himself, to run away and to scare him by hurting the man he had come with. He knew the thought patterns even if he had never met anybody with a set of skills quite like the gorgeous blonde man in front of him. Maybe that was one of the reasons he was pulled towards the unbearable heat, towards the thick tension that built up and promised him a feeling much richer than he experienced before.

_You need to make him yours._

The red blazer that dropped to the floor was quickly picked up and wrapped around his shoulders instead. The heat of the fabric caught him off guard and was a warning for the coming seconds, a warning not to step too close no matter how much he wanted to.

_But you want it. You want the heat._

The delicious scent made it difficult to resist. It wasn't quite as sweet as what the blonde man had described his own scent as, but it was intricate enough to desire more, to inhale more and bury his nose in the fabric.

_You mustn't let him go._

The layers separating him from the skin he yearned to touch reduced, but in return the heat became unbearable, burning against his fingertips from several centimeters away. Still, he yearned to touch and run his hands over the smooth skin, to feel the heat buried underneath that only allowed him passage. Time had passed without his control, but the sensation against his fingertips had remained along with a pleasant voice vibrating in his ear, asking to be drowned.

_You have to make him breathe, it's the only way._

His own breaths sped up the longer he roamed the muscular chest without touching, the longer he imagined being able to run his fingertips along the prominent lines, firm bones and the delicious mouth he still dreamed to taste. All of it transformed into a wrecking ball of desire he didn't know how to satisfy. Slight pain developed at the tips of his fingers from the heat, but still he couldn't pull his hands away.

_He makes you reckless because he resists._

Suddenly, he heard several rough inhales, air that entered the broad chest and instantly reduced the heat of the skin he yearned to touch. His words turned desperate and so did his hands as they travelled over Hoseok's whole body in an attempt to memorize it all, to capture the way it felt to reminisce about it later. He needed the emotions, every single one to fight the blandness of human life.

_You need to feel it, feel what he desires but doesn't dare to act on._

The need to use strength to keep the blonde man with him was overwhelming as the seconds stretched longer and longer but weren't enough to hold him back. Hoseok stood up as if the chains of time didn't matter to him and thereby separated him from the hot thighs he was sitting on. This time the words and actions matched, preparing to leave him just like they had before.

_What is he, to be able to resist you?_

His wrists began to burn when he tried to grip the strings of time tighter, to make them obey. But it wasn't time defying him, it was the man he wanted, easily discarding him in order to escape his own desires.

Instead of holding onto Hoseok, time stretched along with each of his motions. It didn't listen, no matter how much force he used. His body trembled as he wrapped the dimension of time around his fingers with enough strength to draw blood. The thin strings pierced through his skin, leaving marks that shimmered gold, but weren't visible to anybody but him. The man in front of him couldn't have known what it meant to reach the limit of a dimension, but he felt it with every passing second that time burned his hands while allowing the man he desired to have free reign.

_Time doesn't constrain him anymore. Where does he take the strength from?_

Something was happening and he could feel it. First, he wasn't sure if it was because he had overdone it, used too much energy to control another dimension, but then, it felt like the strings were bending, as if another flow had joined the flow of time, passing close to him and accumulating in the muscular body in front of him. The body that was covered in a thin layer of silver dust that looked like ash. Particles flew in the air that must've burned in the heat and settled on those broad shoulders. He felt a few of them land on the golden marks on his hands, adding to the burn through the warmth that remained.

_He is like the sun itself._

He couldn't look anywhere else, not as long as he saw the energy surrounding Hoseok, creeping up his legs, his arms and settling between his ribs. His breath got stuck in his throat from the pressure that accompanied the flow and no human body could have survived this kind of accumulated force. His skin vibrated from the sheer energy in the air as he looked up, eyes passing over the ash covered body of the man in front of him.

Then he felt the gaze on him, the gaze that consisted of an iris dilating so much that there was just black between those eyelashes, in contrast to the soft hair he could still remember touching, the strands that changed color, resembling the moon, silver-white.

He stared, still holding onto the strings of time with as much force as he was able to, before something moved behind Hoseok, spreading like a dark rain cloud and covering the last rays of the sunset he had watched through the big windows.

The cloud took form, spread through pitch black feathers, symmetrically lifted from the other man's back and moved along with his steps that were too fast for him to register immediately.

_Wings, he has black wings._

There was no time for coherency, no time for a single proper thought or association as fingers pushed into his shoulders and sent some of the pure energy that the other men radiated through him. His back hit the wall with force and the warmth of the firm body took his breath over. The other man was hovering over him like a shadow that his black wings created.

"You…," the low voice whispered and he had the gorgeous mouth and the delicious scent that seemed so much stronger now right in front of his face and as if teasing him, a soft thumb brushed a burning trail onto his lips while he stared into the pure blackness that emanated so much energy that he didn't have a single thought inside his head.

"You will have to find someone else to play with," Hoseok said and he could feel the force right in the middle of the muscular chest, burning like the sun itself.

_You can't._

He inhaled roughly, feeling the weight of time and something richer but also delicate, a power he couldn't quite place. It was right there, surrounding him, caressing his fingers when he wasn't explicitly looking at them.

"No," he wanted to reply, but no sound came out, leaving the inaudible motion of his lips. Even though his answer hadn't changed, his knowledge had, giving him the certainty that the man in front of him wasn't human. No matter what he was and what he wanted, he couldn't be human.

No words did the emotion in his chest justice, the burning from the energy and the breathlessness from the pressure against his shoulders. The yearning he felt to reach out and touch the source of all that strength, the spot in the center of Hoseok's chest that forced his fingers to vibrate as soon as he lifted them into the air and close enough.

_You want to touch him._

There was no way to follow the gaze because those pitch-black eyes seemed to be looking at everything at once, at his fingers, his lips, his neck and shoulders. "You… must be insane. I'll give you ten seconds to run away and never come back and then I'm going to take your time along with your memories." The muscular chest rose in an inhale and he felt fine streams of energy flow towards him, wrapping around his shoulders and making him feel electrified.

_He wants to manipulate you and your mind._

He would have smiled at the suggestion, at the mere thought of having somebody take his memories. There was nothing to take, nothing rich enough to be erasable. His existence had no weight, only a purpose and each memory he created was independent of the next. There was nothing to hold onto and therefore nothing to remember.

"Ten," he counted for the other man and lifted the corner of his mouth, smiling just a little as he used the frozen seconds to get closer instead. His fingers travelled over his own chest and the red blazer that wasn't his until they reached Hoseok's fingers, his wrists and finally his arms. He felt the energy with every touch, buzzing under his fingertips and making him dizzy. He couldn't get enough.

A second should have passed, but the silver clock on the wall hadn't moved, so he didn't count and allowed his fingers to stroke over prominent collarbones. The heat was still there, but it wasn't burning him. This time it wasn't the temperature of the other man's skin that brought it about, but the energy that surrounded him like a thick cocoon, a glass prison. It travelled through each point of contact and filled him out, making him feel ecstatic and breathless at the same time.

"Then let me have you for those remaining seconds, Hoseok."

"You want to have me?" Those red lips moved, exhaling a mixture of heat and the intoxicating scent of strength and suffocated desire. "You can't. You won't be able to handle it; don't you feel it? You can feel, can't you?"

_You can, it's addicting._

"Give it to me," he whispered and couldn't resist feeling more, drawing a path from Hoseok's collarbones, along his jugular to his face. He wanted to touch those lips, to taste them and burn from the energy that rushed through the other man's body.

"You're insane. Drop the strings," Hoseok breathed against his parted mouth and loosened the grip on his shoulder, curling his fingers around his wrist instead and pulling it to his lips. "Look at all those marks. Aren't you hurt?" He could feel the energy flow through his body when Hoseok's hot mouth touched the spot where the strings cut into his skin, sending a burst of power through every pore and making him want it more.

_He can see them. He can feel the parallel dimension._

The touch returned his attention to the pain in his hands, to the soothing sensation that Hoseok's lips provided, filling the cuts with energy along with every other inch of his body.

_You can't let go, he will disappear._

"It's nothing," he gasped out and only tightened his grip, body trembling from the pain and the desire to be closer, to wrap his arms around the firm back and run his fingers over the black feathers. He had no explanation yet, no understanding of the being in front of him, but he knew that he needed its touch, its energy.

"I shouldn't be here right now, especially not like this and you should be somewhere else satisfying your desires with somebody who won't remember. This is not… the way it's supposed to be. It's…" The flow intensified, as if the creature in front of him was accumulating the energy inside his chest, ready to act. Ready to rip everything out of his fingers. The black wings moved slowly, back and forth, speeding up the seconds and ripping thread after thread from his hands while those burning lips were placing kisses on every mark it left.

"Don't," he whispered, trying to hold on but knowing that it was futile. He didn't have the strength to fight, not like this and not against the energy that enveloped both of them. He had never been forced to succumb before, not with a human and not with anybody else.

The seconds began to pass, one by one as the silver clock on the wall resumed and each tick sounded like a bomb inside his mind. He gasped for air, reached out for the muscular chest in an attempt to hold on, to remain close to the warmth as ten seconds transformed into five, four, three.

Inhaling sharply, he rushed forward, arms wrapping tightly around the other man's neck and lips only millimeters apart as another second ticked by. The proximity burned and caused his body to shake as he finally dared to bridge the remaining distance, mouth pressed against the heat of those lips, the energy that instantly filled out his body and made him feel like he could soar, breathe without inhaling, feel without living. Everything at once.

Was time even flowing? It seemed like it was rushing and freezing at the same time. He didn’t hold a single string in his hands, only the heat of the smooth skin, the buzzing strength that emanated from it and made him melt into the body in his arms, only the full lips parting and an exhale that filled him with a want in an intensity he never thought he could experience. He had no grip on time and still, the second stretched indefinitely despite the ticking of the clock, as if the man in his arms had taken him to a different dimension, one where time didn’t matter, one where there was only him, the force in his chest, those feathers coming closer and stroking over his skin and a hint of pure desperation that he could feel along with the most delicious taste he has ever tasted. Time stood still until it suddenly didn't and he heard one last tick of the silver clock before his vision turned white and the world disappeared.

Only one thought remained.

_An angel. He must be an angel._

_

A chuckle pulled him back to the here and now and he removed his gaze from a dimmed red lamp. It created a certain atmosphere and made the small bedroom seem warmer than it was, throwing a red shade on the cheeks of a handsome man lying in bed next to him.

"You look so mysterious when you are in thought," the man remarked and he smiled in reply, stroking over the red color on those round cheeks. He couldn't tell if it was the lamp or a hint of arousal, but there was no need for his eyes to know what it was.

"And you look adorable when you gasp for air as you feel pleasure," he replied, but paused because he failed to remember the man's name. His mind easily supplied him with memories of their first meeting, of the moment he realized it was a man that required his knowledge to live life to the fullest, a man that needed exactly somebody like him. He remembered the first time they had sex and every secret that the circle-shaped lips shared with him, but he couldn't remember his name.

_Why does everything feel so bland?_

Even his memories felt like he was observing the life of somebody else, seconds that weren't a part of him and therefore emotionless.

"Why don't you make me then?" The man next to him grinned and wriggled his eyebrows before pulling him closer, exhaling against his lips. It felt warm, pleasant, a sensation that he enjoyed, but somehow it wasn't warm enough, hot enough.

_It doesn't burn you._

His eyes widened as his memories reconstructed the image of a sculpted body, burning the air with its energy and a pair of pitch-black wings, feathers shimmering along with ash that floated and reflected the light like tiny stars in the night sky. Strong hands that pressed him against a wall, immobilized him and pulled the strings of time from his tensed hands, a voice that told him to succumb, to give up and forget and finally lips. Hot lips that opened up a path for the well of energy and allowed it to course through his bloodstream as well, causing every single hair on his body to stand up and his fingertips to buzz with strength. A second felt like two, like five until it suddenly ended and his memories were replaced by blandness. Two weeks of blandness.

_He stole your time again, two weeks of it._

"Of course," he replied, but didn't mean it. His hands caressed the handsome man's shoulders and raked through his hair in an affectionate gesture, but his thoughts were somewhere else. The closeness he usually yearned for and extended by controlling time felt meaningless and plain, even when a pair of lips pressed against his own.

_The interaction has lost its purpose._

Inhaling once, he didn't bother exhaling as his fingers grabbed the thin strings of time that fit oh so well into the spaces between them. It took longer than usual since the strings seemed further away, pushed by the force with which the man with the black wings sped up time.

Once his hands finally returned control and time stopped in its tracks, he dared to exhale and look around. The numbness that remained was unbearable, as if his existence had lost its purpose along with the kisses the young man in front of him desired to share. The red lamp stopped glimmering, as if it decided and so did he along with it.

_You need to search for something else._

Brushing over bright blonde hair one more time, he got up from the narrow bed and stretched his naked body once, reaching towards the ceiling to relax his muscles. Two weeks had passed, but it felt like he hadn't been present to experience them, like he observed himself through glass like an animal in the zoo.

His eyes found his sunglasses first and he put them on as he looked for his clothes and slipped into them, first his black shirt with a deep cut and loose sleeves, then a tight pair of dark grey jeans. A brief glance into a crooked full-size mirror helped him to decide where to go next.

_You need something else to feel, somebody else._

One last glance at his slim waist and the bright blue of his eyes was enough as he let his eyes fall shut and let go of the thin strings, allowing the flow of time to do the rest.

He enjoyed the way the air changed around him, how the absolute silence of a small apartment transformed into a heavy bass and people attempting to talk over it. The scent of an apple cinnamon candle was replaced by cheap drinks and fresh sweat, a hint of cigarette smoke as a smoker passed him.

A smile was on his lips when he finally opened his eyes and was met with about 1000 square meters of club space filled with moving bodies dancing together, rubbing against each other or talking quietly and kissing against a wall. One of the few places where humans followed their desires and were looking for somebody like him to satisfy them.

_Exactly what you need right now._

"Oh, Hyungwon, I didn't know you were coming today!" a familiar voice remarked next to him and he recognized Leila, the woman that he left in charge of the club. Leading wasn't what he filled his time with. There was no lack of it, but still he preferred to fill his seconds with emotions and pleasure than bland repetitions and superficial conversations.

_You need to feel more, something that can burn you._

"I changed my mind," he replied with a grin and accepted the drink she stretched out towards him. He didn't know what it was, but that didn't matter as alcohol barely had an effect on him. It was a little disappointing as it limited his options of forgetting himself, of living in the moment alone. "I'd like to take over if the guy doesn't mind."

He knew that the guy was going to mind, especially considering the enthusiasm with which he transitioned his tracks and the slightly overdone transition to a bass drop that never really came. Leila seemed to have understood as she merely grinned back and gestured to another employee he wasn't quite familiar with. His memories vaguely hinted that they had been introduced before, but it was just as bland as the rest of his past two weeks.

_Is this how he lives, bland and without emotions?_

He couldn't imagine anybody doing that willingly, but then again, his task was keeping humans from doing exactly that, forcing themselves into a life full of self-restriction and repentance.

_But he's no human. He's…_

An angel. That had been his last thought before the world faded away for two weeks. The man with two black wings, the one who had enough strength to rip time from his hands, the man who was able to set him on fire, Hoseok. He must have been an angel.

_You've never seen one before._

He couldn't be sure, for that he didn't know enough, but for now there was no better explanation. He had been told about the existence of angels, about their disregard for knowledge. That disregard might have been the reason for his own rather limited knowledge of what an angel looked like, what they did, what power they might possess. What heat and raw desire they were able to create within him.

_You need to find him again._

But not now. He couldn't forget all about his task because of his need for emotions, for the heat Hoseok was able to provide. An angel, if Hoseok was one, wasn't a part of his task, of the reason he was on earth.

A brief gesture of Leila's pulled him out of the depths of his mind and led him towards the DJ booth. Grin in place, he took his headphones and briefly checked over his equipment, eyes avoiding the crowd as he preferred to see them once the music started and bodies transformed into a single entity, a crowd that he was moving with music.

His sunglasses slipped a little lower on his nose, but he didn't mind this time, even enjoyed it. He felt the attention it immediately gifted him, curious eyes that needed somebody like him to give them the knowledge to understand, to let go and to feel. The music started and he focused on its vibrations first, on the excitement he was slowly building up until he let it explode within the crowd in front of him. Bodies moved and fresh sweat developed, hands touched skin and lips met in heated kisses. Voices sounded, but not loud enough to overshadow his music, the music that was able to rush through everybody's veins instead of blood.

Moving his own body to the beat thumping in his headphones, he finally examined the crowd and every single individual within it. He looked for the right person, somebody who needed him and at the same time somebody who would be capable of making him feel, making him burn.

_Nothing else will satisfy you._

His gaze jumped from one pair of eyes to the next, not expecting to need more than a split second to take in everything he required until it got stuck, without a warning, captured by a pair of black eyes and he didn't need to be close to know that he wouldn't see a pupil, that he couldn't jump to the next pair because there was nothing that anybody else could've given him. Not if the owner of those eyes was standing right here, in his space, in his club, hair back to its light blonde and body covered by a black silk shirt that was halfway open and tight jeans that hugged those firm muscles, arms crossed and watching him from a distance.

_Fuck._

His fingers were faster than his heartbeat and the music in his headphones, reaching for the ropes that were wrapped around his wrists and tugging at them with so much force that time stuttered. The stutter was obvious in the bodies around him, how they stopped in the middle of a motion before jumping a few seconds back in time and resuming again, only to finally stop for good. He had never experienced time going backwards, but he had also never forced it to play by his rules with so much force.

The second froze and so did everything around him and the man he couldn't tear his eyes away from. The music had stopped, covering them in absolute silence, the air felt thick with scents, but he couldn't smell anything apart from the memory of the other man's scent. It wasn't enough, nothing seemed to be enough.

His fingers slowly travelled up to his headphones, removing them from his ears and carefully placing them on top of his mixing console. Time was his to control, but still his motions were slow as his heart hammered in his chest, reminding him of the energy that had rushed through him upon touching the gorgeous man, upon being close enough to breathe the same air, to kiss.

His eyes closed, but this time there was no sound to change his impressions, to accompany the feeling of his body dematerializing. Only the thickness of the air changed when he finally inhaled and opened his eyes again, meeting a pair of widened pitch-black eyes without a pupil.

His breaths shouldn't have been this quick, just like he couldn't remember the last time he felt a tingling sensation around his shoulder blades, maybe even a burning the closer he got towards the man in front of him. A single step was enough to feel the muscular chest against his own, to bridge the distance and forget himself the way he knew he could.

"You came," he exhaled and removed his glasses with his right hand, letting them fall carelessly on the dance floor.

There was nothing left to hide.

***

‘One must be a sea, to receive a polluted stream without becoming impure,’ Nietzsche had said.

_Are you a sea?_

He wasn’t. He was a polluted existence, hanging in the strings of his mistakes and unable to forget. Unable to forget anything and pressured by the knowledge that he had opened a pandora's box within himself that didn’t want to close, no matter how fast time was running between his fingers, how much strength it took to make it and how desperately he wished to turn it back and change everything.

_You have never thought this way before._

As usual, when he didn’t know something about earthly ways, Nietzsche had certainly written about it. He remembered meeting the wise but bitter human back then. They had gotten along well despite their very different views on religion, but the man's shadow had separated so easily. Not scared and not expecting anything. Because of that he had doubted back then, doubted if religion was really what made the soul separate smoothly. The way it was supposed to be.

_But so many others didn’t. You know now that it’s better if there is some kind of belief that gives you hope that what comes after death is better than the present._

The human that had accompanied a brief second of his life had written about regret and remorse. ‘Remorse. -- Never yield to remorse, but at once tell yourself: remorse would simply mean adding to the first act of stupidity a second,’ he had said. But it was only possible for humans who possessed the ability to forget. To move on as if nothing had happened. He didn’t have that. He had felt it and he continued to feel even though he shouldn’t have. Even though it wasn’t the way it was supposed to be. He had broken the rules and there was no way to go back when…

_When you feel something, but you’re still you, so you can’t._

He inhaled, fixing the black silk shirt that slipped out of the tight jeans he was wearing and threw his head back in an attempt to invite other thoughts. The calming ones.

_But you can’t because you can’t forget the scent and how it wrapped around your strength, how it intertwined and how your energy melted into his when he touched you, when he whispered not to go, when he… kissed you._

His lips tingled every time this specific memory made a mess out of his mind, pulled all the sensations from within his chest and juggled with them, made him feel hot and cold at once, made him want to scream because he knew that he had made a mistake, or scream because he wanted to feel it again. Feel more of it. All of it. Drown until there was nothing left of him. Maybe he could disappear then.

_He isn’t human, but he forgot. You’ve seen it._

Maybe he shouldn’t have watched him. Hyungwon. How he had searched for desire during those two weeks, how he had easily found it, wrapped it around his finger and let go, jumping to the next and repeating the dances of affection, of want, of pleasure until there was nothing else to receive from those humans who didn’t remember. Left with a feeling that they couldn’t place anywhere, confused but happy, but satisfied, but determined.

_What is he?_

Was that really important? The only thing he needed to know was that Hyungwon was dangerous, dangerous because of his own weakness. He was weak because of something located somewhere within his chest.

_There must be something inside you that makes you weak, but you don’t know what it is, so you can’t fight it. You can only lose if you don’t know what it is that you’re fighting._

He was about to call the elevator, but the air changed, time bent in a way he had forgotten and a body manifested next to him, warm, but in a steady way, handsome, but motionless, calm, but real.

“Gabriel,” he muttered, stepping aside and waiting for the features to appear and to receive the words inside his mind as those full lips moved without an expression.

“The flow of time was disturbed many times and there was an issue with a separation. I was advised to check on you. Is everything the way it’s supposed to be?” the monotone voice asked and a pair of dark grey eyes settled on him, waiting for his reply.

_It’s because you keep making mistakes. You keep…_

“Yes,” he said, trying to sound as calm as possible as he fixed the tight jeans on his hips. Watching Gabriel spread his wings was a welcome distraction, so he couldn’t help a smile, remembering how it had been the only thing he had known before coming here. Before being chosen to come. “How have you been? Is there anything new?” he asked and stepped closer.

“No. Everything's the way it’s supposed to be.” Gabriel’s skin was starting to burn from the inability to inhale and he nodded, understanding that his mate couldn’t stay for a long time because he couldn’t breathe.

“Mhm. I see. Leave, you’ll hurt yourself. I’ll pay attention to the flow and make sure it stays stable,” he promised without the belief that he would manage and watched the body turn into a rain of ash that became transparent and at some point, disappeared from his black carpet as if it hadn't been there in the first place.

_Why can’t you disappear like that?_

Maybe there was no place for him to disappear to, he thought, and called the elevator, wondering why it was so easy for him to say something that wasn’t the truth. Something that he knew wasn’t. They had said he was chosen back then, but was it really true?

_The doubts keep coming and you can’t get rid of them, even after all this time. You should’ve done better, but you keep being weak, and now you are even weaker._

The breeze inside his car was fresh, but not fresh enough, and maybe, if Gabriel hadn’t appeared out of nowhere, he wouldn’t have thought about it and let time flow faster, enjoying the wind against his warm skin. Now it passed like a snail, staining the seconds with his thoughts that he couldn’t stop from appearing, more and more and more until he wasn’t sure what he consisted of. Was it the scent that he could feel immediately, even before entering the dark building with big grey metal doors? Even before all the human scents were pushed to the back and he was sure that it had been the right place and the wrong place, a point in time he couldn’t control and wanted to be in at the same time. Even before that, his lips tingled and his chest warmed up, accumulating the force that he knew he couldn’t and wouldn’t use, as a reaction to what he had experienced. To the kiss he had received, had never asked for, but asked for so desperately that his fists clenched just thinking about the explosion he felt when those lips touched his own.

_Why are you even here?_

Why? Maybe because he wanted to watch it again, observe how curiosity turned into want, into desire, into satisfaction before it faded. Maybe he needed to see it again, to persuade himself that he couldn’t give any of it, that he couldn’t feel it, that he couldn’t have wanted it, that he wasn’t… able to. That it wasn’t the way it was supposed to be.

The number of humans overstepped his boundary of comfort and he couldn’t help but stay close to the wall, leaning against it and letting his gaze roam the dancefloor, the hallways and finally finding the one he was searching for standing at the DJ booth with headphones over his ears, moving to the loud beat that made his skin vibrate.

He couldn’t understand why someone with that kind of strength, the person that danced carefree in front of his eyes as if every second counted, would act like a human, live like a human, drown in everything that only reminded of the endlessness, of infinity that couldn’t be escaped.

_Maybe it’s only infinite for you. Maybe it isn’t for him?_

Another reason to leave. To leave and never come close. To ask to be sent back, but how could he if he didn’t do his job? If he kept making mistakes?

_Do you even want to go back?_

Hyungwon couldn’t have remembered anything, not after how hard he had pushed time, not after taking some of the energy that was flowing through the slim body. Otherwise he would’ve realized.

_He can’t remember._

Something pulled inside his chest and he decided to get closer, carefully moving along the wall and trying to avoid the scent of human sweat, the loud exhales and rough motions that added up and made him inhale more frequently due to realizing he had made another mistake.

_You shouldn’t be here. You shouldn’t be among humans like this._

Wasn’t it ridiculous? How he possessed the knowledge that the person, the creature he had been close to, forgot about their encounter, but also knew that the knowledge didn’t make it any better? He was still at this terrible place, watching from a distance as the black hair flew in the air, those thick lips parted in an exhale only to suck in another gulp of air and the body moved to the music. Why...

‘And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music,’ his mind supplied and he stared, unable to rip his gaze away from the energy that emanated from the moving body, as if the flow had a purpose, as if those seconds were meaningful, as if infinity could be filled with anything.

_You should’ve stretched the second longer. Until it wasn’t possible anymore._

He should've, but instead he stared, suddenly meeting the bright blue eyes that caught his gaze and didn't move away before the flow of time was forced to stop with such a strength that he was surprised for a second, not expecting anything to happen, but it did. Time froze, and this time it had a positive effect. None of the humans around him mattered. He couldn't hear them and he didn’t notice their scent. There was only the scent that made his thoughts soar, a shift and suddenly, without him noticing, those blue eyes materialized right in front of him before everything else did and it didn't make sense that he didn't act, that he didn't do anything. It didn't make sense that he simply stared as those lips came closer, breathing "you came" against his own and he saw the sunglasses fall to the ground, without making a sound.

_He… he didn't forget._

"How… can you remember?" he whispered, slowly letting his arms fall to his sides.

_What are you supposed to do now?_

He felt another exhale, warm, still warmer than his skin as fingers travelled up his arms, alternating which one applied pressure.

"Because I'm like you," the low voice replied before a plump mouth brushed over his jaw, tracing its curve.

_Not even those who are supposed to be like you, are like you._

There was nothing that he could do. He couldn't stop breathing and burn in the middle of a crowd and he couldn't mobilize more energy for the same reason. The transformation alone might have hurt many around him.

Was he trying to excuse himself? Excuse the way his fingers lifted, fighting against time only to wrap around the slim waist, to inhale more, to feel the body in his arms and be enveloped by the scent that didn't let him think about anything else?

"You're not. You're not like me," he breathed out in reply and felt his iris dilate more because those lips were disassembling every single one of his thoughts into microscopic ash particles flying around and not making any sense. "I thought you would forget. I wanted to, but I never can."

Fingers caressed his cheek, tracing his cheek bone and his jawline until a thumb brushed over his lips, stopping at the corner. The scent was overwhelming and filled him out with each inhale while a smile appeared on the red mouth he couldn't forget the taste of.

"Somebody who isn't human cannot be erased, Hoseok. You know that as well as I do."

"But you thought I would forget you, didn't you?" He smiled too without planning to, fingers tightening in the soft skin. "You can't be a memory if you don't live, right? But I don't live either, so I can remember everything. How your body feels when my energy flows through it, how your own intertwines with it. I can remember the way you look when you satisfy your desires and how your lips taste. I know it all, so… don't you think it's enough to last me for eternity?"

A soft noise sounded as Hyungwon's lips parted in response to his words, exhaling slowly before sucking the air into his lungs with a single rough inhale. The fingers that had danced over his skin paused for a second or two that didn't pass, seconds that remained frozen along with them as the moment stretched. Still, he could see a firm and quick heartbeat at the spot where the other man's collarbones met and he felt each beat against the strings of time.

"Shouldn't you desire even more of it? How could it ever be enough for eternity?" Hyungwon asked before his arms suddenly wrapped around his neck and pulled him closer, lips only millimeters apart as a long leg slipped in between his thighs.

"The regret will last easily, but how could I ever get enough of… this for eternity? I saw how long it took for you until it wasn't enough. It's nothing compared to an end that will never come, Hyungwon. It will be a second of it all in an eternity of remorse. You will give it to me, but will you be able to end it if I… can't take infinity anymore?" He licked over his lips, letting his hands travel over the curve of Hyungwon's waist, fighting time only to bury himself deeper in regret, taking steps towards the abyss knowingly waiting for it to swallow him.

_It's not the way it's supposed to be._

Of course, it wasn't. But did that stop him?

"You forget that a second can last forever with me, Hoseok." He felt a hot tongue lick over the shell of his ear before a wet mouth closed around his earlobe and sucked briefly. "This is only the beginning, the beginning of an eternity filled with pleasure."

_What if they sent him to see if you will be able to resist? If you are fulfilling your purpose?_

"You don't know what eternity feels like," he whispered and held his breath, letting his skin heat up enough to feel hot. "So, don't bother with me. Just-"

"Kiss me," the other man interrupted him and leaned in so close that their bottom lips brushed against each other. It must have felt too hot, but still Hyungwon didn't move away. "I can't think about anything else."

_And you can't think about anything else either._

_Just the kiss. Just one kiss and you'll rip the flow out of his hands and leave._

He focused, mouth burning to do what he had imagined and thought about during the past two weeks as he collected the energy inside his chest, the strength he needed to move and to act right after. Wrapping his arms around the slim waist, he turned them and pushed the slim body against the wall, stroked from the broad shoulders down the curved line of his waist, warm but also cool against his fingertips, before stepping closer, aligning their bodies and their faces as he had seen it before, as he had seen Hyungwon do it before.

_You can't take it. You need it._

Only a breath, a single inhale it took him before he couldn't take it anymore, before he leaned in to feel nothing but the buzzing energy that exchanged between them, the seconds that didn't pass and time bending for them to taste each other.

A gasp was caught between their lips as Hyungwon wrapped his arms so tightly around his neck that his elbows brushed against each other, fingers turning white. Being so close, tasting the other man, he could feel some of the energy that was flowing underneath the golden skin, the way it was contained similarly to his own, hidden under a human pretense but yearning to be released. It held onto him as soon as it could, buzzing against his lips like electricity and wrapping around his arms and wrists just like the way the strings of time did around Hyungwon's fingers. The moment slowed down even further as the strings stretched and Hyungwon gasped into their kiss one more time.

"You burn me," the low voice exhaled roughly. "Don't stop."

_Can you stop? How can you stop?_

When did a kiss end? He should've asked himself that question before stepping closer, before realizing that kissing those lips and having the slim body wrapped around him was like a parallel dimension that had distinct rules, its own time flow and didn't listen to anything he had decided on beforehand. That his own perceptions changed, not allowing a single thought to pass through to him.

_You want this. You want all of this._

His hands that had been holding on became restless, roaming over every bit of skin that didn't belong to him, that wasn't part of him. The fabric covering Hyungwon's body made him want to rip it, burn it, destroy anything that stood in the way between his hands, his lips and the vibrating energy that seeped through his fingertips and filled his body along with the intoxicating scent.

Again, he was burning, but it wasn't his skin, it was the spot inside his chest that reacted when the soft mouth parted, letting him feel a hint of tongue that exploded in a firework of strength that mobilized out of nowhere and wrapped around the person in his arms.

_Why are you holding onto him?_

"I'll make you mine, Hoseok," Hyungwon whispered into their kiss, lips vibrating against his own and sending a shiver right to that spot in his chest. "Close your eyes."

_There is no way you can be his._

How could he close his eyes if he knew that the man in his arms wasn't human? The person who had stopped and bent time for them to touch, to kiss among the sea of humans who had no idea. For whom time stood still, because they couldn't perceive its flow. He had no clue about what could happen if he did, but those lips caught his in a kiss so intense that his eyes closed all by themselves and let a stream of pure energy join the buzzing that got louder in his ears because something was happening.

Something was happening and all he could do was part his lips and give away strength as if it was nothing.

"You make it so easy," Hyungwon exhaled into his mouth as hands danced over his shoulders and back. He could hear the other man's smile in his voice, could feel that the air had suddenly changed and so did the scents around him. The intoxicating sweetness still filled him out, but there was no scent of concrete, of sweat, of humans. There was only the scent of the cherry perfume he used to cover his own scent.

_It smells like the sixty-sixth floor._

The man in his arms didn't stop kissing him, tongue tracing his bottom lip and long legs slowly moving back until he felt Hyungwon lean against something firm, a wall.

"Your energy makes me drunk, enough to become reckless and take it all."

"This is nothing and you know it. You have no idea how much there is when… when I'm myself. I thought you wouldn't be able to take it, but you pulled on the strings so hard that I changed my mind. Now I want to know what you are," he breathed out, leaning back and recognizing his big black carpet.

_Why are you at home? Is he changing dimensions? Or is he playing with time? What is he?_

"How… did you do that?" he asked, feeling how the lack of touch made him want to jump into the abyss head first. Like an idiot. Without wings.

A grin appeared on the plump mouth as Hyungwon leaned further against the wall and only used his fingers to grab a hold of his shirt and tug at it to have him closer again.

"Show me yourself, _angel_ and I might tell you."

***

_Nothing else can satisfy you._

The thought had been a one-time thing, maybe a concern at most as soon as he recognized the blandness of a touch that had no burn to it. The thought repeated once again as soon as his eyes had settled on the white blonde hair and pitch-black eyes and had never stopped since then. No matter if he resisted or not, it was the truth.

His body burned each time they touched, each frozen second that fingers traced the curve of his hips, brushed over clothed skin, exhaled burning air and energy. The amount that filled him out and melted into his own wasn't comparable to what Hoseok was capable of when he allowed himself to let go, but still he couldn't help yearning for more, even if it was just a little bit of what he wanted, a drop for a thirst that was unquenchable.

_There is more, whenever he is himself there is enough for you to drown in._

The strings of time stuttered around his fingers when Hoseok stepped back and he tightened his grip to keep them under control. Time belonged to him, was only there to extend the seconds that he could taste the curved mouth into infinity.

"Show me yourself, angel and I might tell you," he replied playfully as soon as those eyes recognized their surroundings, understood that he had moved both of them through time and space.

_You need him for yourself, all of him._

A deep inhale, a soft breeze where there shouldn’t have been anything at all and then only the monotone taste of frozen time surrounded him. Everything changed, slipped from his fingertips as the muscular body moved away further.

An abyss. The black-winged angel kept calling him that, but it was ironic, because the way black spread in the eyeball, taking over the whiteness resembled an abyss so much more than he ever could. An abyss he wanted to jump into because it pulled him in with its insane energy that collected in the broad chest, flowing around him like electricity.

_You want to grasp it even if it might hurt you._

The black silk ripped, just like those strings were ripped out of his hands and time stuttered forward. The rush made him dizzy and unable to follow the motions of the attractive body that pushed him into the wall, those wings that hovered over him and of course those eyes, those intense eyes that promised so much more. They revealed the depth that he could feel, knew was there.

_He could replace your blood with sheer power._

“What are you?” the low voice breathed into his face as those hands pinned him to the wall with so much force that he had to hold his breath to not wince in pain. “I don’t hurt anybody beyond what’s necessary, but it looks like it is very much necessary in this case.”

_It switched, you must have said something for the flow of energy to change._

At first it was difficult to focus with the sheer power that emanated from the body in front of him and the pain throbbing in his shoulders. His thoughts couldn't wrap around the words spoken, move away from the desire that had been present in those pitch-black eyes only a moment ago. Curved lips formed a frown instead of kissing him senseless and the energy around him resembled a wave on the sand, only remaining for a few seconds and barely leaving a trace.

_Does he know how much you want it? Is he toying with you?_

It didn't make sense, not really, but his desperation was looking for explanations everywhere it could as the throbbing in his shoulders increased and he had to hiss in pain.

"What will my answer give you?" he forced out, aware of the danger involved. Hoseok was stronger than him in his current state and not only physically. His reply wasn't going to satisfy the other man as it wasn't one and he could feel the readiness in the firm grip to hurt him, to pull the answer from his lips if necessary.

_You have no chance against him like this._

Focusing on the energy surrounding the angel in front of him, he stole as much of it as possible, sucked it in to give himself the strength to return his control of time, even if it only reduced the minutes, days, weeks that were going to be stolen from him.

"Will you desire me any less then?" he dared to ask and wrapped his fingers tightly around the other man's wrists. They were buzzing below his fingertips.

"I know nothing about desire because I don't feel anything, but I know that you're a threat. A threat that doesn't disappear when I'm asking nicely…" It was hard to tell where Hoseok was looking, but he must've taken in all of him, his goosebumps and the brief flinch at the heat that emanated from those strong hands.

"I'm not a threat," he muttered and dared to stroke along the burning skin, along the other man's naked arms and shoulders towards his neck. A smile tugged at the corners of his mouth. "I am knowledge."

It didn't take long for the buzzing energy to flow through his body, to get a hold of him, but he was strong enough to use it instead of letting it manipulate him.

"Knowledge? Are you trying to lie to me when I've seen your eyes, how you jump through dimensions, manipulate humans and stretch the seconds? I've seen it all, so tell me before you step closer and your body gets covered in scars that don't disappear." Hoseok wrapped his burning fingers around his wrist and lifted it close to his face, brushing over the thin white lines on his fingertips. "I didn't want to hurt you, but you're not supposed to know, Hyungwon."

_He thinks you are a threat to him, somebody who will spill his secret._

"I am not a human, Hoseok," he murmured and could barely breathe from how thick the air became when it was drenched in the angel's energy. "What do you have to lose?"

"You're playing these games because you think that I'm the one losing. You can have a human but you think it's more fun if it's someone who can't… who knows the way it's supposed to be and who knows what he should or shouldn't do. You ask me what I have to lose? I don't need a threat to do what's right." The other man's skin heated up further and Hoseok let go of him, preventing burns on his wrist and his chest. He still couldn't get used to the sight of those big black wings, moving back and forth, emanating a force he wasn't familiar with and making the angel so attractive to him. "But I still don't get what it is that you want from me. Take your seconds, fill them with humans for infinity. Why do you keep making a mess out of my thoughts?"

_Why are you making a mess of his thoughts?_

He chuckled at the question, amused that the man, the angel in front of him genuinely believed that he was the source of his confusion. Knowledge was the source and the reluctance to accept it. The sheer energy that Hoseok possessed and his undisclosed desire towards him was what drew him in, what fueled his need to be close enough to feel the heat and be burned, to kiss and to forget to count the seconds, forget that they were passing after all.

“I am not the one messing up your thoughts, Hoseok. I am merely existing and acting according to my desires whereas you are denying your own. The denial is messing up your thoughts and I simply happen to be a witness.”

"You…" Hoseok started but something started happening, something that he couldn't grasp as those eyes widened, the angel stepped back and spread his wings to their full size with his eyes fluttering shut.

_Is he going to steal your time again?_

He pushed his body away from the wall, but none of the previous sensations returned to him. He wasn’t disoriented and his thoughts remained as clear as ever. The change didn’t seem to be occurring in him, but rather with the angel in front of him.

Energy danced around Hoseok, but not purposefully, it was more like some bits that escaped a sea that was storming with such a force somewhere inside Hoseok's chest, inside those wings, escaping to a place he couldn't see, second after second until it only resembled a tiny flame and the muscular body sunk to the black carpet, wings folding and shaking as they covered it.

He could only hear rapid breaths, strained but without any force and see how a delicate hand grabbed the fabric of the carpet, holding onto it as if it would've made breathing easier.

At first, he didn’t move, too baffled by the sudden switch in power, by how quickly the thick energy spilled from the man lying on the ground as if somebody had pulled a plug.

_He must have used it on something, but it wasn’t you. Nothing changed about you._

Energy still rushed through his body, partially his own and partially the streams he had taken from the curved mouth that had been kissing him only moments ago. His fingertips buzzed from the sudden switch in power and how easy it was to find the strings of time and return them to his grip, tug at them just enough to pause the human world around them. He couldn’t risk anybody seeing Hoseok right now.

“What the hell did you just do?” he muttered and kneeled on the floor next to those black wings that hid most of Hoseok’s body from view. He stroked over a few of the feathers that lay right above the handsome face, hoping to uncover it with enough persuasion. First, they spread in an attempt to protect what was underneath, but lost strength after a few seconds because time wasn't flowing and it must've been hard to fight against it.

"There… there was an issue," Hoseok breathed out with strain and it sounded like he was dizzy, or not fully aware of where he was or what was happening right now. "I had to fix it. So, I did. It's my responsibility. I have to do it. I have to make sure that everything is the way it's supposed to be, but… it was too hard and… and now I can't… pull my wings back in."

“Shh,” he whispered and stroked over the black feathers one more time, aware of how exhausted the other man must be after such an energy drain. It didn’t really make sense, because there was no real reason to waste so much energy, but Hoseok appeared to be convinced by the purpose of his actions. “It’s okay. I’m holding onto time, so no human will see you.”

"Mhm. That's… calming. I know that you are, but I can't do anything about it. I don't like the feeling, but usually I don't think about liking or disliking anything." A few feathers moved, only uncovering those curved lips that continued talking quietly. "Can you only notice my perfume or can you also smell the scent that's underneath? Because you smell delicious, no matter where I meet you. It's the kind of scent that you only get from doing certain things to achieve an outcome, but you need many steps and, in the end, you can't be sure that the scent that you're desiring will come out. You smell just like that without any steps, and it's so intense. It's intense enough to reach my mind and change the thoughts that come inside."

The influx of words surprised him, so he needed a little longer to reply. His hands didn't stop touching the smooth feathers, caressing them and brushing them aside just enough to see the tip of Hoseok's nose.

He thought about the questions, about what scent the other man must have been talking about. To him there was only one scent, the scent of strength that had reduced now, but was still strong enough for him to feel dizzy upon inhaling.

"To me you have only one scent," he whispered and leaned in to lick over the curved lips ones. Maybe he was shameless for acting when Hoseok was too weak to object, but then again, he knew that it was fear talking for the other man. "My thoughts don't change because of it, they only become clearer."

_Because you know what you want._

"My thoughts… there's a difference between those that come from that place inside me, the strange doubtful place that has wishes and desires and then those that are automatic, calming, familiar. When you're close, it seems like the familiar ones had never been there before. I'm thinking… scary and strange things," Hoseok whispered, licking over the path where his tongue has touched those curved lips. "I keep thinking about you saying you will drown me. I want to know how that feels. What will happen when you do." A few feathers shifted to the side and he met those black eyes that returned to their usual shape, but it didn't look less intense. Rather the opposite. There was something in that gaze he hadn't seen before.

_Curiosity._

"Knowledge can be like that," he replied and smiled. "It's unfamiliar, so it can seem scary. That is why I said that I am knowledge. Whatever you see within me is new and it scares you."

_But what place does he mean?_

He looked at the muscular body, everything that he could see behind those black feathers. There was no such place, none that he could see. The energy from before had no real place that it pooled and seemed to fill Hoseok out completely, so what was it?

"What place is it?" he asked eventually and stroked over Hoseok's soft cheek. It seemed surreal after having to fight for the briefest of touches, after being pushed against a wall for suggesting desire.

_As if his defenses have suddenly disappeared._

"You mean where the thoughts come from, or the place I went and used up all my energy?" The tip of Hoseok's wing moved forward, feathers covering those eyes for a second, before moving back and letting him see the black iris and a hint of a smile.

"Both." He smiled back and focused the energy within him at his fingertips, letting some of it transfer from his skin to the other man's, returning some of what wasn't his in the first place. "Can you feel it?"

"I do. I just don't understand," the low voice breathed out and he felt a feather brush over his forearm carefully. "I was about to hurt you, but you don't use my weakness to do the same. I thought you would." Sighing, as if he had hoped to get hurt, the angel shifted closer. "The place where my thoughts come from have been there for a long time. Since I remember existing. It's a doubtful place where nothing is set in stone, where everything could be wrong, it's exhausting. And the place I went… it's the place where a soul becomes air."

_He… knows?_

His eyes widened and he tried to read whether the angel lied to him, pretended to be aware of something while claiming to do something that didn't make any sense.

"But how could you go there? It happens on its own. That is how things are supposed to be," he remarked and wondered if the doubtful place Hoseok was talking about was actually his common sense. "The soul separates and life ends. Nothing else to it, but I thought angels oppose that."

"You know about it? The soul separates and life ends, that's the way it's supposed to be, but… sometimes…" The dark gaze settled on him, examining his features for a few long moments before Hoseok continued. "Sometimes the soul doesn't separate and that's why I'm here. Why I'm on earth. I'm the only one who can exist in both dimensions like that. Other angels… I'm not sure if you've ever seen one, but their wings are pretty, grey and so are their eyes. They don't breathe on earth, they can't. But I can. I guess something is broken about me, but it seems like it's useful to the system in the end."

_He… can breathe too._

Suddenly, he felt nervous. Of course, he had realized that the man in front of him was able to breathe, inhaling and talking about how sweet his scent was. He had realized, but somehow it had seemed like whatever Hoseok was capable of was typical of all angels.

_But he's not. He says he's different._

"Maybe that's why you are in this dimension," he muttered and fumbled with the feathers that were closest to his fingers. He resisted the urge to tug at them and kept the rest of the energy for himself, unsure whether he was going to need it. "I have never seen an angel, but I thought they were hidden among… the religious bunch."

_Because that is what they preach._

"Ah… no. They can't. My mate, he can only stay for a few minutes before he has to leave again. I'm also the only one who can make the soul separate in the end, but it's so exhausting. Like now, when I lie on the carpet with my wings around me. But religion is helpful because then the soul separates easily without interventions from my side. They think they go to heaven, separate and disappear. The way it's supposed to be. But… what about you? You breathe too, but you can mess with the flow of time. I know that you're not human. Humans all have the same scent, but you don't. I felt that you're strong, but you keep it so deep that it's hard to understand what it is. When you're touching me… " Hoseok swallowed and shifted even closer before he felt hot fingertips on his neck. "When you touch me, I can feel it."

_He feels your strength when you touch him?_

His fingers curled up and he pulled them towards his chest for a second or two until he decided that there was no need to hide his strength from somebody who was able to drown him in it. It was a part of him, a part from long ago that he must have buried somewhere because it wasn't necessary.

_And his fingers feel so good, buzzing against your skin._

"I'm here to spread knowledge." He smiled because that was the simplest description. His hands returned to Hoseok's wings and stroked over his naked shoulders and neck once they were close enough. "It's bullshit that humans need religion. They need the chance to live their life to the fullest instead."

The longer he listened to Hoseok in this state, the more naive he appeared. The blonde angel was so convinced of certain rules even though to a being like him the world should have been clear. He should have been able to see that most of living was about fulfilling desires.

"If they do, I will end up lying on this carpet every day for eternity because none of them would want to leave. It can't be. Most convenient is if they think the best is coming after death. They become air in seconds and their body becomes earth. Just the way the world works." Sighing briefly with his eyes closed, Hoseok pulled him closer by wrapping one of his huge wings around him. "But how… do you know that you're doing what you're supposed to do?"

"Huh?" The question surprised him and he used the pleasant distraction of contact to avoid answering for a few more frozen seconds. There was no need to question whether he was doing what he had to do, because he simply knew. It was there.

"I just do," he replied and grinned before deciding to change the topic and use the opportunity to cover Hoseok's mouth with his own. It was still delicious, even when it didn't burn him.

_But you also feel calmer, not like you need to have him as a part of you._

"You open your eyes for the first time and then you know what you need to do. Maybe you are better at it than others, but you just know. I have to show humans the truth and I'm just better at it than everybody else. That's why I'm here and they aren't.".

"You might not have that place where the doubts come from inside your chest. Somehow… I thought you would say something else. Because of how you looked when you left a human and their gaze changed because they stopped recognizing you. I was wondering what you're doing it for. I don't understand," Hoseok muttered between the kisses, one hand stroking over his neck before those lips started placing kisses along his jaw, soft exhales tickling his ear.

"I-" His body froze, but the pleasant sensation of lips on skin didn't allow him to move away, to pretend like there was nothing he needed and the reason for his task was a simple one. His task was a simple one, but not the reason for it. "I do it because I have to."

It didn't sound like him at all and it didn't sound like anything he had told Hoseok before either. He lived off kisses, off desire and he was the one to encourage humans to act on it and to bask in it when they could. He was the first one to demonstrate and let them see what they were missing. Pleasure was the emotion he sought out the most.

"Because it feels good."

_Does he know that someone like you shouldn't be able to feel?_

"I wouldn't have believed you anyway, because then there would be no reason for you to look for me. I'm not human. I still don't know why you are interested in me and at the same time… I don't know what good means. Does this feel good?" The beautiful angel cupped his face with both palms and pulled his bottom lip into the burning mouth, carefully nibbling on it. "Or more like when you have sex with them? I can't do anything like that because I'm not human, but I keep thinking what would happen if I just… If I just stop thinking and do all those things that are considered deviant and punishable."

He swallowed, partially because of how fucking good it felt to be kissed by somebody who created an exchange, who left a hint of warmth in the pit of his stomach. On the other hand, he couldn't believe the senseless words that left Hoseok's mouth. Why would the angel assume that he wasn't capable of something as basic as sex, or even that it was punishable?

"I'm not human either, but I can," he replied and placed both of his palms flat onto the angel's chest before smoothly climbing on top of his lap. Those wings were a sight to behold. "And nobody punished me for it."

A grin spread his lips as he leaned in and licked over a nipple that hardened even before he touched it, from anticipation alone. "There are so many things I could show you that feel indescribably good."

"But-" the low voice breathed out before the exhale got stuck from the way it felt. "But I can't feel anything. I got a glimpse of what it must be like from watching you, but I don't really understand it. I- I try to exist as far as possible from humans whereas you live amongst them, but at the same time… Why am I talking so much even though you still haven’t told me what you are?"

Hoseok nibbled on his curved lips and stared at his thighs for what felt like an eternity before those warm hands slowly lifted and wrapped around his hips.

He couldn't help a chuckle but made sure to keep those hands by covering them with his own. This wasn't nearly enough touching, but also so much more than he had hoped for a moment ago.

"Magic," he replied and winked before rolling his hips once. There shouldn't have been much of an effect, but he wanted to play, to show Hoseok his own lie.

_He can feel, but he doesn't want to._

"What…" Hoseok sat up, wings spreading and lips parting in a sound that was held back but that he really wanted to hear. "What are you doing?" Those black eyes were filled with anger at first, but after staring at him for a few moments, the anger made room for something else, for fingers around his waist and for burning lips on his neck. "I want to see," the angel whispered close to his ear, hands warming up gradually and the buzzing energy returning slowly. "I want to see whether you look different when you're recognized, being seen for real."

The words tugged at something within him, pulling at an emotion he didn't enjoy, maybe even one that he made sure to avoid. Human feelings were so versatile that he rarely realized the same colorful spectrum in himself. A hint of anger was familiar, burning within his chest instead of the vibrant energy that had been there only moments ago.

_It's none of his fucking business if they recognize you or not._

They weren't supposed to. He wasn't sad or whatever about it because it didn't matter. He didn't need to be recognized, didn't care. He got everything that he wanted from humans and then he moved on to the next human that needed his help, a human that lacks the knowledge.

_A human that can make you feel._

"Your energy seems to have recovered," he commented and couldn't help the undertone in his voice. It seemed like the man in front of him assumed that he was lonely or something, upset about humans not remembering him even though that was how he wanted things to be. How things were supposed to be. He wasn't human after all, only an aid for human life.

"There's nothing about my face when I get recognized because it won't happen. It's not supposed to and I have no interest in it happening."

He let go of the strings of time and briefly glanced at the clock on the wall as it resumed ticking. It felt strange to be at somebody's house, but not stay overnight, so he wasn't quite sure where to disappear to.

"I just needed to say something like that for you to stop being interested?" Those eyes were driving him crazy with their intensity and how they kept staring right into his own. Maybe he forgot how it felt to have someone look at him, really look at him and not the release he could provide. But he didn't want to be looked at, there was no need for it. The gaze just made him want to leave as quickly as possible, to do what he was supposed to be doing. "Now it would be nice if time could pass faster… wouldn't it? But I can't do it right now."

"Don't you dare," he hissed and resisted the urge to grab a hold of the angel's shoulders. "Just because I don't want to fill my seconds with you, doesn't mean I want you to pointlessly skip over them."

_You shouldn't be filling your seconds with him. You're supposed to find humans, so why are you even here?_

"Then leave," the low voice breathed out as those warm palms lifted from his waist and fell to the carpet. "Why are you still here?"

_Why are you still here?_

His fists shook from how tightly he squeezed them together, feeling several things he couldn't quite pinpoint. The anger was still there, taking over his thoughts and actions, but there was more.

"Because I have nowhere to go," he exhaled finally before closing his eyes and focusing on the way the dimensions switched, how distances shrunk and how the silence was finally replaced by loud music and a thumping bass. His eyes opened and he instantly smiled, meeting a human's eyes and catching their attention.

Only a few minutes were enough to have company that shared their worries and concerns, needed knowledge because of insecurity and couldn't wait to kiss him. He enjoyed it while pulling the interaction towards the highlight, towards the reason he did it in the first place.

It didn't matter that nobody was going to recognize him, why would it?

A demon didn't need anybody.


	4. End of time, a demon in the wardrobe and nothing left to feel

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'He who has a why to live for can bear almost any how,' Nietzsche had written.

_You never understood the 'why' that's why you can't handle the how._

But before, he had never thought or cared about the why, it happened only recently, after meeting Hyungwon. The creature that obsessed over him only to push him away in the end. Only because of a weakness that he didn’t want to admit to.

_He is searching for something he can’t have. And his feelings… they don’t only make him soar, but also hurt him. He just doesn’t want to admit to it._

‘I am knowledge,’ the plump mouth had breathed out. Maybe he was knowledge. Knowledge of anything but himself.

He let a few weeks pass, but the strange perception didn’t leave him, no matter how fast the seconds ticked by, how familiar the sight of his mate was who appeared once again, telling him that there was an issue, that someone was messing with time. That it might be a demon’s doing and that he should make sure to keep everything running the way it was supposed to be. That it was his mission. The reason he existed.

_A demon._

Those bright blue eyes were engraved into his mind, not disappearing even for a second, accompanied by every single word the low voice had spoken, the way those lips moved, how they brushed over his, how they parted and promised him so much more, only for the being to disappear without having anywhere to go.

_You must have hurt him, but how can you hurt him more than the pain from what happens after? After the desire has faded and he gets dressed, stretching time until it bends, only to have the person he had been with act as if nothing had ever happened between them. As if they didn’t share kisses and the wetness between their lips that tastes like every feeling in the world at once and air. Breathing souls together only to forget._

_A demon isn’t supposed to feel anything, so what is he?_

Gabriel told him about demons, in a voice that sounded like the answering machine he used to avoid taking calls, monotone and calm. They are on earth to make the soul separation harder, working during the human’s lifetime. They confuse humans, are scary to look at and can’t stay on earth for a long time. They can’t feel and they can’t breathe.

_Angels can’t either, but there’s you, so you can’t rely on that information._

During all these years on earth, he has never been in that kind of situation before. A situation where he met somebody who wasn’t human, who felt the dimensions he acted in, who knew something he didn’t and who… who maybe could have ended his existence.

_You can’t let him go._

It felt like his only chance, one in a million, one in eternity.

_You need him to stop this. In one way or another._

Naivety might have been Hyungwon’s first impression of him, but he wasn’t naive. He was careful and purposeful. Purposeful enough to know what he was doing. There were two possibilities. Ask Hyungwon if he could kill an angel or do all those things that were considered punishable and stop existing by heaven’s force. For both plans there was no way to do it alone. He needed him.

After all these weeks he was trained to trace the strings of time that Hyungwon wrapped around his wrists, finding the black-haired being with bright blue eyes, no matter where he was. Like now, when he parked his car, took the elevator to the twentieth floor and parkoured his way to the balcony, sitting on the railing and watching as someone else’s hands removed layers of clothing from Hyungwon’s golden body and those lips hungrily tasted every bit of skin, making sounds that he could feel and creating a scent of desire that he couldn’t ignore because it mixed with Hyungwon’s scent that was everything he wanted to breathe until his eternity came to an end. He gritted his teeth when the human body connected to the body of the being he needed for himself. For his personal purpose.

_Only for that one purpose?_

That particular spot inside him was impossible to ignore as those thoughts kept coming back, turning and returning his spoken words, but in a worse wording, making him doubtful and confused.

_Don’t you want him? Don’t you want those hands to be yours? To feel the buzzing energy under his skin that transcends and flows through your body as he kisses you, pushes his body against yours the way you remember? Don’t you want that?_

He shook his head and wrapped his fingers tighter around the railing, trying to enjoy the wind that was too slow, too soft for his taste, but he knew that Hyungwon would notice as soon as those seconds wouldn’t stretch endlessly. He would notice and maybe disappear again.

Something was off this time as he watched. Hyungwon seemed so much more aware, eyes always open and paying attention to the human in his arms before they fell asleep and he stood up from the big bed and slowly walked towards the balcony. He recognized that gaze, the gaping emptiness that was so apparent in those bright blue eyes as long fingers pulled the curtains aside. He wasn’t sure what happened with his mind or body because despite watching the whole thing from afar before, having the gorgeous golden body in front of him, naked, skin reflecting some of the moonlight, felt different. It felt. He felt some kind of way and he couldn’t explain with words and couldn't connect it to thoughts he was familiar with.

Those bright blue eyes met his, but he stayed in place, sitting on the thin railing as if he was about to fall into the abyss, only that the abyss was standing in front of him and might have pushed him down.

He saw the recognition, the way Hyungwon's eyes narrowed before widening in shock. But still, the being didn't move and remained on the balcony, observing him intently. He didn't know how much time passed, if it passed at all, but he never did when those long fingers held onto the strings.

_He… is so beautiful._

The thought should have scared him, confused him, but instead it seemed like the most banal conclusion to him, something that was so obvious that it didn’t need any overthinking or judgement to be true.

_Remember what Nietzsche said, ‘There are no beautiful surfaces without a terrible depth.’_

“I thought I would manage this time too. Watch you without you realizing, but it must be suffocating in there,” he whispered and jumped from the railing, carefully stepping closer and letting his gaze wander over Hyungwon’s features, his bright eyes with a thick black ring, his red lips, still swollen from arousal and kisses that he had shared with the human that was left unconscious in the spacious bedroom and his body that he longed to touch. To feel if the strength would buzz under his fingertips.

_You learned to lie to yourself, so now all your thoughts sound like that._

“Do you feel satisfied?” he breathed out next to the pretty, small ear.

The slim body froze in place at first, unlike the time that was still slipping through his fingertips without restraint. It felt unusual to feel those eyes on him without a change in the passage of time.

"I am never satisfied," Hyungwon replied eventually and briefly glanced over his shoulder to the man sleeping soundly on the bed. "But he is and that should be enough."

“You never are doesn’t mean that you can’t be, right? Wasn’t that what you keep preaching, being the knowledge and everything?” It was risky, but he inhaled only briefly to let his fingers heat up enough to be pleasantly burning as he stroked a line from Hyungwon’s neck to his shoulder, energy buzzing under his fingertips. “Don’t you want to close your eyes once? Why do you need feelings, if you can’t let them take over you?”

"You make it sound like you suddenly know what feeling emotions is like. Weren't you the one claiming that there was no such thing for you?" Teeth settled on a plump bottom lip as Hyungwon exhaled roughly as soon as his fingertips came in contact with the warmth of his skin, never quite reaching his own temperature. "When I met you there was so much denial. But you're not a human, so fixing your misconceptions shouldn't be my job."

“Mhm. Because I’m not a job for you,” he whispered, adding his second palm and walking around the gorgeous body, trying to memorize it in all its detail. “That’s why you left, because I’m not a job and I won’t forget you. I never will.”

The pressure that Hyungwon applied on his bottom lip only increased and even though the other man's body didn't move, he could feel the energy throbbing within it like a heartbeat, grasping for the surface but never quite reaching it. The feeling made him dizzy, so he continued stroking over the warm skin with his burning fingertips, sharing some of the energy and teasing what he could offer if it was one of the things Hyungwon wanted to receive from him.

“I remember how you closed your eyes when I pushed you against the wall and kissed you. I have never seen you do that with them. They can’t make you feel the same way.”

It was risky again, but it had been his conclusion after watching Hyungwon every night, trying to find something that made him different, made him special in the eyes of the being who might become his salvation.

"Bold," Hyungwon began before long fingers suddenly curled around his wrists and pulled them away from the slim body. Instead they were pressed against the railing as the other man stepped closer to connect their bodies and immobilize him by surprise. "The question is, how am I making you feel if you keep trying to convince me that you're the one I need?"

“Me?” he asked and thankfully already predicted that kind of question, using the time he would’ve needed to answer to lick over his lips and let his right hand travel up Hyungwon’s bare arm. “I want you.”

"That-" he saw a brief change of expression on the handsome face, as if his answer had been just enough to break the spell. But only a moment later Hyungwon caught himself and a smile tugged at his right mouth corner. "That makes no fucking sense."

A single index finger lightly scratched along his collarbone and stopped where his heart would be, applying pressure. "Unless it is that special place of yours talking, the one that knows what's good for you."

"Mhm. I can't make it shut up lately." He smiled and focused on the path of his fingers as they moved from a round shoulder to the delicate neck, down a collarbone as he accumulated more strength, releasing it as soon as he brushed over the tiny nipple that hardened under his fingertips.

He didn't imagine it that way back in his apartment. It was more like he was someone without a reaction while Hyungwon enjoyed it, but he reacted intensely, feeling dizzy and wanting more.

"To me it seems like you don't even want it to shut up." The pressure of Hyungwon's hands changed, becoming tender instead of forceful as they stroked over his wrists before drawing patterns close to his hip bones. He felt every single finger, the way it accepted the energy he offered and returned some of its own, taking his breath away.

"I don't. I just want you. I- want you to drown me, but I too want you to get the satisfaction that you need. The way you want to. I'm not a job, you don't have to care whether you're doing the right thing, I want to know if I can make you feel." He inhaled, collecting his wits, wrapping his arms around the naked body and pulling it flush against his own. It felt like a pulsating force rushed through his limbs, making it easier for the energy to transfer between them.

_It could be so intense if… if you were both naked._

"Tell me one thing, Hoseok," Hyungwon whispered close to his ear and he felt a hot tongue trace the shell of it. Goosebumps spread over his skin in response but being so close he could tell that the same was the case for the other man. "What do I think it is that I need?"

_He knows that you have no idea, but he still wants you._

"I don't know what exactly it is that you need, _demon_. But I know for sure that I'm the one who can give it to you," he whispered, using more strength and wrapping his arms tighter around the gorgeous body, getting drunk on that scent. "I can, so you only need to take it."

Again, it was risky, he was playing confident even though his information was lacking, but he hadn't lied. He simply knew that he was able to give Hyungwon something he couldn't find anywhere else. One didn't need to have an explanation or reasoning to find out the truth.

The gorgeous man leaned back, but only enough to meet his gaze.

"I see you figured." A grin appeared on the plump mouth as his mind supplied him with the memory of how it had tasted against his own, how vivid the exchange of power had been, no matter if intentional or not.

"So, you really are a demon. I was warned by my mate, but as you see… it didn't work well. Instead of disappearing or fighting you, I watched your quest for pleasure a thousand times and am here, offering you to see how it feels to have an angel's hands around you." He bit his lips, finding it strange to suddenly say something like that, even though he had imagined it.

"You don't have your mate for that?" Hyungwon was still grinning, but his hands didn't stay still as they roamed over his back, his waist and finally followed the curve of his behind. "Did your mate warn you about demons? We're scary because we tell the truth."

"He said you're ugly, bad and are confusing humans, only for us to intervene more. And what do you mean, whether I have my mate for that? For what?" The touches combined with Hyungwon's scent took away his ability to focus on anything apart from the buzzing energy, something he knew was there and that he wanted to see and feel to its full extent.

_Wait… does he think you're doing something like this with your mate?_

"Listen, why would I touch him? He's only there to be my mate, every angel has one, and he's mine. He… has pretty grey wings and a calm voice."

Hyungwon stared at him without saying a word at first before a gorgeous low chuckle left his lips and he covered his mouth with his right hand as he laughed, eyes turning into crescents.

"Only there to be your mate? And what is a mate in your opinion?" A long index finger curled into the fabric of his shirt and tugged at it playfully without actually pulling him closer. "Are his wings prettier than yours? Maybe I should look for him too."

"They are. They are grey like a rain cloud. A mate is someone who will stay with you for eternity. At least that's how it's supposed to be. You can search for him, but… they're a bit different, I told you. They don't breathe and they don’t do all the things they know they shouldn't… "

"Like you?" Hyungwon smiled and leaned in to lick over his bottom lip, just a brief touch of a warm tongue before it was gone again. "And what is it that you shouldn't do? Be close to a demon? Feel?"

"Nothing of the things I keep doing recently. Letting a demon so close that I end up being obsessed with him, watching him do things I never imagined myself doing and torturing myself with a thousand questions. Searching for you, being close to you. But most of all, thinking. I shouldn't be thinking all those thoughts that appear inside me." Watching those fingers around the fabric of his shirt, he grabbed it, and ripped it with one hand, placing the palm on top of his warm chest, eyes focused on those bright blue ones that showed a hint of surprise. "You asked me a thousand questions, now it's my turn." The energy vibrated inside his chest, accumulating more and more and more, overflowing when those fingers touched him. "Why did you leave if you wanted me? Because of what I said? You wouldn't have left if you didn't care. You still want me, don't you? Can you even stop if you want someone? Do you just stop desiring someone who said something you didn't want to hear?"

Hyungwon's expression changed. The playfulness that had so easily taken over everything else and the hint of surprise he observed before were wiped away without a trace. Those blue eyes focused on him and for the first time since the other man had left so suddenly, he observed those long fingers taking a hold of the strings of time, slowing it down for the two of them.

"I left because it's none of your business how I feel about my task. It's a part of me and has nothing to do with you. When it comes to you-" Again he felt hands, warm but cooler than his own skin dancing over his naked chest and brushing over a nipple, playing with him. "Desire isn't that simple. It can fade after satisfaction, but then it might not. It can fade after being hurt, but then again it might not. What you really want to know is if I still desire you."

A mixture of pleasure and pain centered in his chest as Hyungwon used all five fingers to scratch over it, exhaling roughly as if he was the one feeling it.

_He's wrong. You know it._

"I'm not one of your humans who needs confirmation. I know that you do, but you can also continue lying to yourself, walking away with that empty gaze after they took all the positive feelings from you. You want it? Is that what you want? I don't believe a single word, but maybe it pushes away your thoughts in a way it does for me when I repeat the same lie for eternity. I can't feel it. I can't feel it. I can't feel it," he breathed out, feeling his back tingle and his skin burn as he let an insane amount of energy flow through his arm to his fingers before he wrapped them around Hyungwon's waist, drawing a line from the curve of those hips, down his behind and back up, leaving a buzzing trace that was sucked into the attractive body.

"You know where to find me," he breathed out, walked backwards and simply let himself fall from the balcony, eyes fluttering shut and catching himself a bit above the surface as the seconds ticked by faster and faster and faster until he stepped onto the black tiles and time seemed to fly past him as he stayed still, watching the clouds on their way from the big windows on the sixty sixth floor.

_Maybe eternity is your punishment. Staying forever in a place that is so full of doubt that you're a second away from suffocating._

***

His hands stroked over a soft face, tracing a pair of pink lips that spoke something only a moment ago. He knew that they had and could feel it from the air, but still he didn't know what it was or what it could possibly be.

_Were you distracted?_

"I'm sorry, staring at you keeps stealing my thoughts away," he breathed out and smiled at the man in his arms who chuckled and repeated a compliment that he had heard many times before. It was fine, after all he never changed, so why should the compliments change?

_It's always the same._

Pleasure was an easier language, one that didn't require compliments or words at all. He could pull the man in his arms closer and steal the words from him with a simple motion of his fingers, his mouth, his body. It seemed so easy, but still there was another person on his mind.

_Since when aren't you able to focus on the person you are with?_

Time passed, but he wasn't able to erase how the blonde angel had watched him, telling him that he wanted him and wished to satisfy his desires. The change was sudden and he hadn't been able to explain it.

_You don't need to explain it, because you know exactly that you want him too._

The gorgeous lips had been so close, only an inhale away, but instead of succumbing Hoseok hadn't played his game and simply left, leaving the throbbing of desire and the terrible need for company that he preferred to suffocate.

_Still he came to you, watching you all this time._

Something pulled together within his chest, but he ignored it and lifted his gaze towards the window of the small apartment he was at. His clothes were spread over the cheap floors and black curtains occluded all windows with the exception of one. At first there seemed to be nothing but the pitch black of the night and seconds that were ticking away sluggishly, but not because of the strings of time in his hands.

_Why aren't they in your hands?_

Only when his gaze remained longer on his reflection in the window, he paused. A glimpse of light blonde hair moved away so fast that it could've been a mistake, but he knew that it wasn't. The angel had been watching him again.

His eyes returned to his fingers and the strings of time that lay loosely in the spaces between, as if they had just been returned there after a lengthy excursion.

_An excursion you haven't been a part of._

His memories were blurry and once again he couldn't remember the name of the man he was with. The man who observed him with confusion as he didn't speak or react for several long seconds, too occupied with the angel who had once again stolen his time.

_It must have been over a week again._

Anger developed in his middle so quickly that he wasn't able to contain it, fingers instantly tugging at the strings of time until it froze and mind focusing on finding a person that didn't belong, a man who wasn't one.

_There will be nothing to gain from this human anymore. You have to find the angel instead._

"Shh," he whispered even though the man in his arms couldn't hear, frozen in time. Pressing a kiss to the wide forehead, he finally got up and collected his clothes with a few quick motions of his hands. Once he was fully dressed, he ripped open the window and jumped out, loosely hanging on the chunk of wall below it as he looked around.

_He couldn't have disappeared so quickly, not with you stopping time._

Either the angel was still close or he had his wings out. No matter which of these scenarios was true it shouldn't have been difficult to find him with enough focus.

His right hand was still holding onto a chunk of concrete and he used it to assess the distance to the ground. It couldn't have been more than 3 meters, so he jumped and felt a brief needle-like pain in his feet until it disappeared. It wasn't enough to create permanent damage, nothing was apart from Hoseok's blazing skin.

_Where is he?_

There was no way for Hoseok to simply disappear, not without his car or another means of transport. Time also remained frozen and there was no force working against it, so the angel couldn't have escaped through sped up seconds.

_He's driving you mad by simply watching you._

His fingers focused on the strings that lay still in between them, frozen along with time, but there was no tugging on top. It almost seemed like the black-winged angel didn't mind that time was standing still, didn't care about the seconds he had to bear.

_One might think he enjoys your company._

A chuckle left his lips before his anger returned and he groaned instead. There was no trace of energy, he would have realized if there had been at least a drop of it. The conclusion was that Hoseok was gone, done after watching him for a few moments and getting caught.

_He watches but never comes._

Time resumed and he reached into his back pocket before finding a new pair of sunglasses. His old ones had been discarded at the club and once again the angel was at fault. The blonde man was at fault for everything recently.

_'You know where to find me.'_

He stopped following the path he was on and his eyes widened briefly as awareness kicked in.

_You know where to find him._

He pictured the words, the place that hid behind them and let his eyes fall shut. The scents and sounds around him changed. His skin felt so much warmer than the air outside, burning from his anger and the energy he could immediately sense around him. It wasn't his yet, but close enough to tremble as soon as his fingers grazed it.

Sucking his bottom lip into his mouth, he finally opened his eyes.

It was pretty dark apart from the small lamp that covered the living room in a faint warm light, giving the mostly black furniture a hint of warmth and creating gorgeous shadows on the muscular body that lay on one of the big couches, wearing nothing but dark underwear and holding an object in his hands. An object that looked like a book.

"I thought you'd come earlier, but you must've forgotten the time," the low voice commented with a hint of a smile that he couldn't see because of the book in those hands that covered most of Hoseok's face.

_That bitch._

He didn't even have the time to close his eyes as the room and the man within it disintegrated in front of his eyes, only for those black eyes and light blonde hair to reappear right in front of him. His right hand was quick to grab the back of the book and toss it into a corner of the couch. It was knowledge, so it didn't deserve his anger, but the man whose smile hadn't faded surely did.

"Because _somebody_ ," he hissed and applied pressure to the spot between Hoseok's ribs, automatically forcing him to lean deeper into the pillows as he arranged his legs on each side of the other man's hips, "stole my fucking time."

"Oh no, that's terrible. But you were trying to enjoy the stolen time, just that it didn't really feel right, I guess. You always looked a little out of it." Hoseok licked his lips, looking entirely unimpressed before roaming his gaze over his body shamelessly. "Why would you do that to Friedrich's book though? He didn't steal your time. You two would've gotten along on that religion issue."

_Friedrich?_

He glanced at the couch where he had carelessly discarded Friedrich Nietzsche's work, leaving the book open on several pages at once.

"With the way you piss me off right now, you should be lucky it still has all its pages," he replied before placing both hands flat against the leather next to Hoseok's face and leaning in. He felt so furious, raging because no matter what he did the angel appeared unfazed.

"Why would you observe my body work without anything happening consciously inside my mind? You don't know what it's like to have time pass, do you? Humans probably don't realize, but I do. I realize how fucking _empty_ it is." He emphasized the last sentence before using his right hand to grab a hold of Hoseok's hair and tilting his head back. He needed a reaction, anything. "That's why you fast forward, isn't it? You're afraid to feel."

The black eyes focused on him as he felt the strings of time move around his wrists. "No. I let time pass faster because there's a whole eternity of it that I don't want," Hoseok breathed out and he recognized the energy that entered his body, coming from the powerful place inside the angel's chest.

_He doesn't want it?_

"Because," he began and leaned in close enough to lick a path from the shell of Hoseok's ear all the way down to his collarbones, "it's empty."

A smile tugged at the corners of his mouth and he applied a little pressure to his hips, just enough to be pleasant while his hands roamed over the naked chest. "If you knew what it's like you might…"

His fingers stretched briefly as the strings of time easily slipped in between and gradually slowed down until they finally stopped, freezing time.

"Never want it to stop."

_The way you do._

"I've never wanted anything as much as I want it to stop. I've seen you so many times, how you felt and experienced pleasure with some humans, but we must be different. It doesn't intrigue me at all. I want time to pass so fast that the only thing I'm aware of is the changing rainbow of the earth circling around the sun and the wind in my ears." Hoseok inhaled deeply, aware that his skin had heated up enough to hurt him, and let it cool down just enough to become pleasant again while his hands stroked over the muscular thighs.

_He doesn't know. He speaks like this because he lacks the knowledge._

"If you are so convinced about wanting it to stop, then why do you say you want me?" He used his index finger to draw circles around the other man's nipples a few times until he tilted his fingertip and left light scratches, enjoying the way the sensitive skin reacted.

"Because I do." He felt an influx of energy right to his fingertips as Hoseok reacted more intensely than he let on, giving himself out with the sheer force coming from the source that bubbled inside his chest and vibrated under his skin. "I know that you want me, you don't need to play around, but I want you too. I want to touch you and see how you feel if it's not something you're supposed to do. Like being with you and wanting you is not something I'm supposed to do."

_He must feel it too. Feel that it's different._

He had never met an angel before, but the fact that the man below him was an angel wasn't the only reason for the way it felt.

_For how much you want it._

It was the ambivalence, the emotionless words and actions while energy was boiling underneath, yearning to connect and intertwine with his own. He felt the same way, felt it buzzing in his fingertips like heat that suddenly returned hot blood to freezing hands.

_You're the one freezing and he sets you on fire, but at the same time it seems like he's the one who needs you the most._

"You misunderstand," he exhaled and brushed his mouth against the angel's, enjoying the feeling that anticipation left in his groin. "I'm not playing around. I was the first one to kiss you and attempt to make you mine, but your mind didn't let you, just like your pointless beliefs about what you should or should not be doing. If you need to know, then I will tell you. You should be _kissing me_ right now."

"Mhm," the low voice hummed against his lips as Hoseok didn't bother with the frozen time, spilling energy as he sat up and let his fingers travel over his chest and neck before cupping his face and observing it with his black eyes that dilated, revealing a depth that he wanted to dive in and see what else he would find within. "But… kissing is barely a snack to you, isn't it?" Those hot lips caught his, nibbling on them before Hoseok let go, fueling the thick tension that filled with energy from them both, making it hard to breathe.

_He turns it into more than a snack._

"Usually," he admitted and couldn't deny the flow of energy, almost obsessed with the way it felt once it mingled with his own. It felt potent, like a bomb that was only waiting to explode, that only needed the right amount of power to do so.

_Explode with the most delicious feeling of them all._

Grinning, he slipped his hands lower and returned them to Hoseok's naked chest before stroking over his underwear-covered groin with his flat palm. He applied pressure once again while observing the handsome face and how well it corresponded to the strength that instantly washed over him.

"Will you not run away from me this time?" he whispered and closed his lips around a nipple, sucking intently.

There was no answer, not yet, just an explosion that swept over him, slipped between his fingertips, entered his lungs instead of air as the body under him moved, lips parting and a gorgeous sound leaving the curved mouth. It took a few moments for Hoseok to catch himself until there was a reply.

"I'm not going anywhere. Let's see if you'll disappear again, even though there's nowhere to disappear to."

_He knows._

Again, he felt a wave of anger and his hands got rougher along with his lips, pulling at the sweet spots he knew to cloud over Hoseok's mind, to take his breath away and feel nothing but his raw, uncontrolled strength.

"There are always other arms I could disappear into. You only have to make sure that yours stay warm enough," he muttered and ran his teeth down the angel's rib cage towards his hips where he used his tongue instead.

"You don't want those other arms, demon," Hoseok hissed and curved his spine. The hot fingers pushed into his shoulders and Hoseok used way too much force to take him, roll down from the couch and push him into the soft carpet, hovering over him with those black eyes and his gorgeous body on display. "You want this. I can feel it, so don't even think about lying. I don't believe a word you say."

Instead of talking more, as he had feared, Hoseok leaned in to kiss his neck, one hand ripping his shirt so roughly that he heard several buttons roll over the tiles until there was only them and their rapid breaths.

"Shit," he cursed and wrapped his arms around the firm neck, fingers instantly finding soft strands of hair and tugging at them roughly. "Touch me, you fucker."

It seemed like those hands were everywhere, roaming his skin, leaving a pleasant burning that stayed even after the touch was gone, or maybe it was Hoseok's energy wrapping around him, entering him and fueling his desires.

The angel must've watched him enough to know exactly what to do, teasing him with his burning tongue, letting his hands travel all over his body and focusing on the nice spots. The hum that sounded when Hoseok closed his lips around one of his nipples seemed so genuine, as if the angel enjoyed it as much as he did.

Buttons weren't Hoseok's favorite, so he used both hands to rip his jeans just like that, as if people undressed that way, but the kisses and bites on his thighs made up for his ruined clothes.

_He must want it, but why?_

Usually he would have been able to focus and answer the question for himself, but not this time. His hands felt clammy from anticipation and he gasped from each wave of power that reached all the way to his fingertips and toes. Even his temples seemed to vibrate after a single touch of those curved lips.

He felt a hint of tongue when Hoseok licked over his lips, one finger hooked into the seam of his underwear and pulling it down his hips, accompanied by so much heat that he shivered. Hoseok must've forgotten to breathe, body heating up and threatening to burn him.

"I'm sorry," the low voice muttered after a deep inhale. "but breathing seems like a waste of time with you."

"Burn me then," he gasped and pulled the blazing body closer, trembling as soon as they met skin to skin. It was addicting, too intense but also just the tip of the iceberg. There was more, so much more and he couldn't wait to feel it, to make the angel feel it and see him bask in the merits of pleasure.

"I'm afraid you'll have to bear it, I can't focus on anything but the way you taste." The angel inhaled once again before sinking between his legs and tracing his length with those hot lips. His delicate fingers dug into his thighs and spread them slowly.

He cursed once again, this time louder as his hair repeatedly rubbed over the carpet. His thighs trembled and pleasure alone wasn't able to make him feel that way. It was the power that Hoseok constantly showered him with that made him breathless and stole each coherent thought away.

Intense was an understatement. He had never met anybody who had as much power as Hoseok did, who could hold him in place with his energy, spark a firework of pleasure with a few burning touches and make him roll his eyes back, missing a few seconds without thinking that he should have been aware.

When those lips closed around his length, it was too much and not enough at the same time. It was too much. Too much intensity, too much burning, too much energy floating through the air, through his body, accumulating in Hoseok's chest and making him a bit scared of how much that place could take, how much he could take, but he needed it like he needed to feel. Like he needed to grab the white hair when he opened his eyes for a few seconds, watching huge, black wings lift from Hoseok's muscular back as the angel continued lying between his legs and supplying him with more and more and more energy and pleasure until it felt like he was exploding.

His eyes opened wide and for several seconds he couldn't feel time anymore, couldn't tell if it was frozen or still passing while the man between his legs swallowed his release and fluttered his wings once. The resulting wind caressed his face and he sucked air into his lungs, gasping because whatever Hoseok was able to make him feel, it wasn't comparable.

_How are you supposed to accept anything less than this, if you know that it can be this way?_

"Come here," he breathed out and wrapped his arms around Hoseok's neck, pulling him up towards his face while his fingers played with a few black feathers, struggling to remember what it must have felt like.

_One might think you are a human by now. But a human body couldn't bear so much force._

Angels must have been damned to stay on their own, next to a mate that had no purpose and unable to be close to a human because of their power. It must have been unbearable to feel each second without filling it with an emotion, a sensation that was worth it.

"I will be your mate now," he whispered into a protruding ear and traced it with his tongue.

"That's- that's impossible. But I can't get enough of the way you taste," Hoseok breathed out and attached his lips to his neck, releasing waves of pure energy that entered his body, making him feel like soaring. "I can feel your strength, but you don't let it leave your body. Only that one time, when I used up too much of mine. Why?"

"Shh," he murmured and tightened his grip around Hoseok's neck. This wasn't the time to speak of his fruitless attempts to bury his power. This was about an angel with too much power and him who was able to accept all of it, every single drop. "Don't waste your breath on words, you'll need it."

A smile spread his lips as he played with a few black feathers at first before providing the man above him with more pleasuring sensations. He started out with the spot where the angel's wings grew from, massaging it and scratching lightly over the firm muscles towards hardened nipples and ribs that he counted. His lips didn't stay still either, nibbling on Hoseok's jaw, his neck, his shoulders. He wanted to feel the heat, see that no thoughts were left and suck up all the power that was to follow.

"What if it's too much? What if the flow ends up being too much for you?" Hoseok's voice sounded concerned, as if the angel was afraid to hurt him.

_He is sweet. Oh, so sweet._

"Don't you believe that demons take everything precious from you? How could I ever get too much?" He bit into Hoseok's shoulder, enjoying its taste and the scent that filled his nose. It was stronger now that the angel had accepted his full form, black wings moving each time Hoseok felt pleasure. "I'm going to drive you insane now, whether you want me as your mate or not."

"Insane? You're too late because I already am. I can't have you as my mate and I don't want to. I would burn if I couldn't touch you." Hoseok's irises were filling out his eyes as his power increased, bubbling in his chest impatiently and slowly travelling along his arms and legs, his wings, making him dizzy with anticipation. "I want you. I want you, demon."

"There is nothing I'd rather give you," he exhaled against the curved mouth and used his grip on Hoseok's shoulders to turn them, observing how beautiful the angel looked lying on the floor with his black wings spread out below him and mouth parted for a deep inhale. The smooth skin was already hot, just bearable from the temperature, but he enjoyed it and let his lips run over the muscular stomach towards Hoseok's groin. It wasn't like him to start out slow and return a favor instead of taking it all, but the other man's words must have left an impression.

_What if he gives you more power than you can bear?_

"I imagined this so many times, but I was naive," the low voice breathed out and he could see that Hoseok forced himself to inhale instead of holding his breath, skin burning under his lips already. The most exciting thing about being close like that, was that he could literally feel the energy pushing against an inner barrier, asking to be set free and it was so intense that his fingers vibrated, travelling over the muscular stomach as Hoseok continued. "I didn't think… I would feel anything."

"Then why do you…" he started, surprised that the angel genuinely believed that there wouldn't be any pleasure. What was the point of being close to him if it wasn't the pleasure? "Why do you speak of wanting me then?"

His tongue slipped into the other man's navel and he sucked on the skin right below it. His fingers were faster and already drew fine lines on the prominent erection after uncovering it. Everything he was doing was enough to observe anticipation and for a drop of excitement to develop which he instantly collected with his tongue.

Instead of replying, Hoseok released more energy that hit him like a wave, used his hands to stroke over his shoulders, providing more of it and inhaled quickly to make his skin cool down after a longer period without breathing.

"Drown me," the angel whispered as pretty red lips parted and black eyes focused on him.

_He's the one drowning you._

He swallowed because the sheer power caused his mouth to dry out. His tongue compensated quickly by wetting his lips and rubbing over Hoseok's tip just the way he knew could easily drive a human mad. He didn't need to know what it was like for an angel, because the human body stayed, no matter what they were.

Usually he would have been slow, playful, teasing to stretch the seconds, but this time he could barely feel them. The energy surrounding him made him dizzy and Hoseok's breathy gasps were his only orientation as he closed his eyes and let the thick length slip between his lips until he felt soft skin against his chin.

"Fuck," the angel cursed and it was the first time he had heard a curse leave those curved lips, but it must've felt too good not to. Loud breaths, then gorgeous, low moans filled the room, accompanied by the sound of feathers rubbing against the carpet, spreading when it felt especially good and his motions stuttered, anticipating the influx of energy that collected right under the smooth skin, almost ready to be let out.

"I'm keeping you, angel," he murmured before increasing his efforts and impatiently waiting for the wave to hit him and take his breath away. Everything was buzzing, throbbing under his fingertips and his own body increased in temperature as he hummed to watch the muscular body tremble.

The seconds weren't in his control and when Hoseok's thighs flexed as a sign of his upcoming release, they felt too short. He anticipated the energy, but he didn't want the feeling to stop, the breaths and exhales, the desire he could feel by simply observing those black eyes and how Hoseok's mouth parted.

A loud moan, the first one, was his final warning sign, but the hot wetness between his lips wasn't what caught him off guard. It was the power that released all at once and seemed to wrap around his wrists, constricted his chest and curled around his neck. He tried to inhale but wasn't able to, caught in a limbo of utter bliss and for a brief moment the fear of death, as unlikely as it was.

_You must grab a hold of it._

Closing his eyes, he focused on the source of warmth in his chest, a small ball that he rarely allowed to grow. It was his little secret, the one invisible thing that made him so different from humans. It was throbbing, yearning to be let go and accept the energy that buzzed around him and constricted him without entering his body.

The hesitation stayed, but the throbbing in his chest only increased while no air was able to enter his lungs. His fingers let go of Hoseok's warm skin and wrapped around his neck instead, attempting to peel off something invisible, but he wasn't able to.

_A human isn't able to deal with the force. But you aren't one._

His eyes closed and he felt the power clearly, how it danced around him and searched for entry, how his own fought against its confinement in an attempt to reach out and intertwine.

_Become one._

There was no way for him to fight it, to keep his secret hidden away when it slipped through the spaces of his ribs and wrapped around his wrists and neck too, transforming the restricting sensation into ecstasy, pure ecstasy that made him feel invincible, incomparable to the human shell he constantly tried to become.

_It wants to take over you again, don't let it._

The air close to his fingertips vibrated and he observed it, watched how even air wasn't able to remain close to whatever it was that he had in his possession. A rarity, a power nobody else could comprehend.

He should have let go of it, buried it deep within himself the way he always did. The only way he had to know that the words leaving his lips were his own and not his abilities speaking, the part of himself that didn't belong to the human world.

The motion could have been easy, a flick of his hands and all the power would have disappeared where he had captured it, deep down where no human was ever going to find it.

It could have been easy to return to his human shell and abandon the temptation of control. It could have been, but his fingers didn't move. They remained tightly wrapped around his neck along with the intertwined power of an angel and a demon. A power he should have, but simply couldn't let go of.

The power to stop time. Forever.

***

‘You must be ready to burn yourself in your own flame; how could you rise anew if you have not first become ashes?’

He was ready to burn. He considered that the force that he released could’ve been enough to burn himself and the demon next to him in the flames that took over him like a sea of lava, like the sun falling on top of him. First, it had been a small spark inside his chest that quickly turned into a fire under those fingers, those thick sinful lips that transformed his dimension into a blurry picture behind a rain-covered window. There was a fire inside him that could burn everything to ashes. Everything including him and the person next to him, the building, the time, the world.

_What if you can stop existing like this? What if your power is enough to destroy you? What if you can become ashes all by yourself?_

He couldn’t think clearly, not when he felt like soaring even though his wings were rubbing against the black carpet. Even though he wasn’t flying, he still was. Hyungwon made him soar, made him experience levity, perceive sensations he never thought he could, made him feel.

A demon made him feel.

_Maybe this is why Gabriel told you to be careful. Because he is able to do that, because now you know what it means to feel and you can never stop longing for it._

_You are tied to this feeling for eternity._

_Eternity._

Everything felt like too much and it seemed like his own energy, the force that built up inside him wasn’t bearable, would hurt him, destroy him. For a second that appeared to stretch infinitely, he thought of stopping it, to not damage the person in his arms, but it was too late. He couldn’t control it anymore when it released and made him lose awareness for a single moment, letting him experience something he never had before.

The feeling that time didn’t exist.

Pictures flashed in front of his eyes like a movie that was fast forwarded so quickly that an eye, a mind couldn’t follow and only something inside him tightened painfully, making it meaningful but still empty because there was nothing he could hold on to. Only the energy that was still buzzing around them, like a cocoon, making them feel far away from everything else, was still perceivable and reminded him that things were actually happening, that the gorgeous body that he pulled flush against his chest was that of a demon. Of a demon who had touched him and absorbed the ocean of force that he drowned him with like a tsunami. The force that he was thinking of using to kill them both.

_He took it just like that._

“Are- you hurt?” he asked quietly, stroking over the slim waist and letting his fingers carefully travel towards Hyungwon’s back, until there suddenly was something that shouldn't be there. A thick bump on those shoulder blades that he ran his palm over, and then a flat surface that reminded him of… his couch.

_Are you dead?_

He opened one eye and glanced at the ashes that surrounded them from the burning heat of his body and the energy that must’ve pulled every particle towards them like a magnet. Something light lifted from Hyungwon’s back and disappeared again, leaving him confused and blinking to make sure he was in the right dimension. That he was still existing with those pretty thighs around his own and the black hair spread over his shoulder that was more beautiful than any shade of black he has ever seen.

“Hurt shouldn’t be the word you are looking for,” the beautiful man replied and pressed a kiss to the spot closest to him, the curve of his shoulder. Long fingers appeared in front of him as Hyungwon lifted his right hand and held his index finger and thumb only a few centimeters apart. There was no need for the distance as it was easily bridged by what must have been his power, vibrating in between and distorting his vision through moving the air. “Can you feel this?”

At first, he wasn’t sure what the other man meant, not in particular since he had been feeling so many things at once. But the longer he stared at the space between two fingertips, the clearer the change in time felt to him. The strings that Hyungwon had always been holding onto tightly weren’t wrapped around his wrists, instead it seemed like they weren’t there at all.

"The time? No. I can't," he whispered, inhaling for the first time in what felt like ages to reduce the difference in temperature between their bodies. Somehow Hyungwon didn't seem to mind even though he could see the sparks from dust burning close to the back of his hand.

“It feels like a black hole to me, a moment that never ends,” the plump mouth whispered against his shoulder before Hyungwon rested the weight of his head completely on top of him, exhaling slowly. “How does it feel to you?”

"Like… like time doesn't exist. Like realizing how much force I actually possess. The understanding that I could destroy many things and that I could've hurt you. But you just… you just took it as if it's nothing, even though it's seeping through every pore of your body. I was hoping for some punishment, but now I'm thinking that they probably can't do anything to me. Even if they wanted to." He chuckled, returning his hand to the other man's back and stroking over the bump that remained in place. "I think… you changed. Your body did."

“Yeah.” Hyungwon chuckled too and he felt a motion against his fingers. “I don’t remember the last time I allowed it to.”

The slim body shifted on top of him until, instead of black hair, he could see a round face and eyes so bright, he couldn’t imagine a human not realizing that something was off, too bright to belong to a mortal being, too bright to look at. At least if one had pupils.

“Who are _they_? Are you expecting to be punished by something that cannot feel?”

"Your eyes," he whispered, overwhelmed by the sight, by how dynamic the gaze was, by the need to kiss every spot on the beautiful face.

Demons are ugly, they said.

_Liars._

"They... are other angels. Remember you telling me there is no heaven? There is. That's where angels are and that's where I was for a certain time until I had to come here. They create rules too, but recently… I keep thinking they created them for me, because I'm the one who has no automatic response to what's right."

Those blue eyes kept staring at him without saying a single word, only blinking once but he couldn’t tell how much time passed, not without feeling the strings. It seemed like Hyungwon was judging him too, judging his inability to tell right from wrong the way everybody else did.

“It isn’t heaven,” the demon finally replied and sighed while his fingers played by tracing his arms and squeezing once in a while. His eyes changed their focus towards something in the distance. “It is a parallel dimension, but it isn't heaven. There is no such thing as heaven and angels merely exist in between the way demons do, in between it all without being able to do much apart from manipulating humans into thinking one thing or the other. It’s just that-”

Hyungwon met his gaze once again, chewing on his lips and this time there was no hint of judgement present, only a hint of insecurity. “I thought I was the only one who felt that way.”

_Why does he make you feel so much?_

"I had no positive or negative connotation to the word heaven. To me, it's nothing great and nothing terrible either. It's just called that, but over here, it has a whole different meaning." He hummed, slowly aware of where his wings were as he lifted them from the ground, smiling at how easy it was with the kind of power he possessed, before he wrapped them around the body on top of him. "I'm not like them, so they need to tell me what I'm supposed and not supposed to do even though they just seem to know by default. But what do you mean that you thought you were the only one feeling this way?"

Hyungwon didn’t reply, but he could tell that he must have heard as the barely tangible motion of those bumps on his back paused all of a sudden.

“Because I am not like them either. Demons-”

Silence followed as the man in his arms must have decided not to elaborate. To keep him unaware.

"Wait… do you have wings?" he asked, stroking over the surface that had previously reminded him of his couch, but that now moved under his fingertips. "Is that what makes you different from other demons? Or… is it something else?"

“Nah,” Hyungwon chuckled and brushed his fringe back, only for it to return to his forehead and focus his attention on those blue eyes again. “We all have wings. I guess what makes me different is that I don’t want them.”

"Because they're like a couch?" He lifted an eyebrow and tried to sneak a peek at the light-colored shapes that connected to Hyungwon's back.

“A... couch?” The expression on the demon’s face turned deadpan before he suddenly lifted off his body and used his white wings to easily end up on his feet. “Listen, if you call them a couch one more time I am out of here faster than you can fucking pronounce ‘couch’.”

He lifted his gaze and observed the sight in front of his eyes. A naked demon standing right in front of the gigantic window, covering the rising sun with his white wings. The wings were much bigger than he had imagined them from touching alone, however, they didn't resemble his own and had no feathers. They reminded him of a gorgeously shaped knife, like the wings of a bat.

_Bat wings?_

"You are pretty defensive considering you just told me that you don't want them." He grinned and pushed himself to his feet, stepping closer and lifting his hand to reach out. The distance confused him. "Can I touch them?"

“Sure,” Hyungwon replied and shrugged nonchalantly. “Just because I do not want them, doesn’t mean you can insult their texture. They feel awesome, I just don’t like what they entail.”

"And what do they entail?" He felt the thickness between his fingertips before stroking over the tight surface that reminded him of smooth skin. It felt good, surprisingly good, so he continued, letting his hands run over the place they grew from to Hyungwon's back before using the grip to pull the demon closer. A shiver ran over the other man’s skin and he sucked in a breath, visibly affected by the way his fingers must have felt.

“First of all, they are sensitive and I don’t remember anybody ever touching them, so fuck.” Hyungwon closed his eyes and leaned into him for a moment or two, a timeframe he couldn’t pinpoint until he seemed to catch himself and put a little more distance between them. It enabled the demon to look at him without having to separate. “They entail being a demon.”

"Okay, but that sounds like me saying that it's not the way it's supposed to be. What's the truth? Or are you still trying to hide?" He licked over his lips and wrapped his arms tightly around Hyungwon's waist, pulling him flush against his chest. "Maybe my mate was right. Not about the ugly part, but about the dangerous and confusing part. I want to know. I want to know what you're not telling me and I want to know what you think and how it felt when the energy buried you and could've burned you, but you just took it."

“Ecstatic,” the low voice replied, just loud enough for him to hear as Hyungwon let his eyes fall shut and leaned his head on his shoulder one more time, inhaling deeply but taking his time to exhale. “It is not like you saying that it’s the way it’s supposed to be, because for you there is no real meaning to it. No real reasons why it isn’t the way it is ‘supposed to be’. I have reasons. I know exactly why I do not want my wings and why I do what I do. I have the knowledge, but that is all a demon is supposed to have. Only that I have more.”

_His words don’t make sense._

"What else is it that you have that a demon doesn't? The ability to feel?" He chuckled and lifted both hands, fingers sinking into the black hair and feeling his own energy buzz from another person's body. It felt overwhelming and unreal, but he didn't want time to pass. He wanted the seconds to stretch indefinitely. Maybe that’s how Hyungwon felt with every single human.

_Why should he tell you?_

Hyungwon’s eyes opened, but there was no jest in them. The intense gaze stayed on his face for a few moments until the demon finally replied, lacking the usual amusement in his voice. “Funny, isn’t it?”

_It's the ability to feel?_

"But you are not the only one. You seem to be able to make others feel too. I'm standing here with my wings out having thoughts that say that I'm insane and that I should try and fix my mistakes, but I sink my fingers in your hair instead and ask myself how I'm going to hold out for an eternity without being able to have you. Funny, isn't it?"

He leaned in, lips softly brushing over Hyungwon's plump ones when a change in air took his breath away. A change so familiar that his thoughts scrambled.

_They realized. They are coming to punish you. What if they see him and try to hurt him too? You can’t let that happen, he didn’t make the mistake. You were the one who did._

"Fuck. Fuck. Can you disappear? Like… become invisible or something? He's coming. My mate is. That - shit, the couch, go under the couch. Will you fit with the wings? Can't you get them in? Do you need more energy?" He focused and pushed another thick stream into Hyungwon's body, watching his dizzy face. "They can't smell, so if you don't touch time, he won't notice. Take the wardrobe."

_You're done._

He opened the tall black door and pushed the confused looking demon inside. He had never, not in his wildest dreams imagined having to hide a naked demon with bat wings in his wardrobe. Fuck. How did he live without cursing?

He only managed to throw himself on the couch with a book in front of his groin as Gabriel's wings materialized first before his body and face did. He looked as always, calm and aware of what was right and wrong. Something that seemed to be impossible for him.

"There was a major problem. Time was standing still for a while which created an issue with a separating soul. Did you notice? Have you found and eliminated the source?"

_You were pleasing the source and drowning it in energy that you should be using to separate souls._

"Not yet. It must be a demon as you said, but I haven't found him yet. Are you sure they're ugly and everything?"

"You're questioning? Why are you asking, if that's the information? You didn't understand? I said they're ugly and confusing and disturb our work. You have enough power to get rid of the disturbance. Focus on what is right. There shouldn't be any disruptions. It's getting hot. Fulfil your mission." A last monotone sentence and Gabriel disappeared, falling on his carpet as ashes. This time the ashes stayed like a punishment.

"They don't know what I did," he murmured, realizing that nobody noticed what he had done. No notice, no punishment. He did it for himself, punishing himself for infinity.

“That’s one dirty ass fellow,” Hyungwon remarked as he stepped out of the wardrobe in what looked more like a fall than an actual step and brushed imaginary dust from his wings. He must have been referencing the ashes on his carpet as he examined them with distaste. “When I teleport, I leave nothing. Can’t angels clean up after themselves? At least you swallowed.”

"W-what…? Listen, that's your most important concern? He told me to get rid of you while I was literally… between your legs all this time. I'm the dirty one cause I lied even though I know that it's not the way it’s supposed to be. Also, you don’t leave any physical traces, but your scent is engraved in my nose, I smell it everywhere. Really everywhere." He sighed and stared at the book covering his groin. "But you have to admit he had pretty eyes and wings and his thoughts are so clear.”

“Boring,” Hyungwon muttered and strutted over to him before removing the book from his private bits. “That’s what he is. And you are traumatizing Friedrich after talking so fondly of him. You should have told that angel that you found a better place to be, which oh so happens to be between the ‘disturbance’s’ legs apparently.”

A grin was on the handsome face and the demon easily climbed on top of him, arranging his legs on each side of his thighs before shamelessly sitting down on top of his lap. “Another thing.”

Delicious lips brushed over his chest and each nipple before slowly arriving at his mouth without actually touching it. “No matter how much power you use,” Hyungwon whispered and exhaled such that he had to let his eyes flutter shut briefly. “I’ll just suck it all up.”

"I- I should be checking the parallel dimension once in a while. I haven't seen a single shadow because all I could see was your eyes and your… yeah. I can't even manage my job properly. They must've noticed. What do you think is the worst punishment I can get? What would I have to do to get the worst possible punishment?" He lifted his gaze, catching Hyungwon's blue eyes and swallowing because the question was too honest.

“You’re a charmer, aren’t you?” Hyungwon remarked, but the hint of a smile on his lips didn’t seem playful at all. There was something different in those eyes, maybe a spark of understanding or he simply imagined it, hoping to see one. “A charmer without meaning to be one. You are asking the wrong person about a punishment, because to me the worst punishment possible would be to become like them.”

“But I’m the same, aren’t I? I keep making mistakes, but it doesn’t mean that I’m not generally like them. How can you be so close to somebody like me?” Hoseok genuinely asked himself how the demon on his lap was able to get it in check with his values that seemed to contain an overwhelming disregard for everything that heaven was and stood for. “What are demons like?”

"Unempathetic." Hyungwon didn't need long for his reply, but also didn't elaborate further, simply observing him while his mouth didn't kiss a single patch of skin twice. Suddenly, the delicious mouth paused and the demon sighed out loud. "They only talk about what they know, and the way things are and don't care about what impact it has on a human. It's just the truth and no context. They are walking lexicons with a stone face."

“Their faces don’t move either? I learned to keep my face calm. I asked why I have facial expressions after seeing myself in the mirror for the first time. I asked why I do, even though I’ve never seen an angel have any, but they simply ignore questions that don’t concern the system, our tasks. They just don’t say anything.” He smiled and made his eyes wide before winking once, as if to test if he was still able to do it. “And you do. You have a lot of them. Do you know why? Why you are not like the rest of them?” He lifted his hand and brushed a strand of black hair behind Hyungwon’s ear, enjoying the mixture of the touch that tingled at his fingertips and how the demon’s delicious scent made him feel. “I mean… for me it doesn’t matter how you are because I only know angels and you.”

Hyungwon didn't speak this time and leaned into the touch, rubbing his hair over his palm when he paused the motion of his fingers.

"I don't know," the demon replied finally and something about his facial expression made the words appear painful. "Because I never asked."

“Would they have replied? They might have told you if they knew, cause you said they run around telling ‘the truth’,” he emphasized the last two words because it didn’t fit to what he knew. There was no truth apart from what the order of the world was and if there was, why would only one group of beings possess the knowledge?

"They cannot stay silent. If a question is asked, then there will be an answer. I just don't want to hear it." Hyungwon sighed one more time and brushed through his long hair before stepping away and stretching his arms into the air like a cat. His wings moved along, spreading once and taking up most of his living room with their size.

"And now I'll have to figure out how to get these back inside. God."

“Are you sure that you’re a demon? You remind me more of a kitten.” He grinned and leaned against the backrest, observing how the light played on Hyungwon’s body, on his wings and in his eyes. “Should… I take some energy from you? I can do that. It’s how I separate souls. I take all the energy that they have to fight and then use all of mine plus theirs to push them out.”

"That sounds kind of disgusting. Like squeezing the meat out of a sausage roll." Hyungwon grimaced and he still couldn't get used to the sight of a being with such vivid facial expressions. A grin was next as the other man stretched out his index finger and shook it back and forth as if to reprimand a child. Him.

"No take backs. You gave me all that juice and I'm keeping it. Gonna slurp it like a fucking milkshake next time." Hyungwon looked around his living room until he found the shirt he wore previously, lifting it up to put it on, only to change his mind again. Possibly because it had ripped. "I need to curse more to compensate for these wings, do something crazy. I can't even wear my shirt, fuck."

He watched, looking at the sunlight on Hyungwon’s arms, how his bright eyes reflected most of it and seemed so much brighter. He observed the motion of the leathery wings, the helplessness of those hands, playing with each other. Suddenly, there was something inside his chest that he had never felt before. A pulling that made him push himself off the couch, walk to the man who covered the sunrise with his wings and kiss him. Kiss him with so much emotion and desperation that he felt scared for a moment. Scared that there must be somebody else inside his body, inside his chest and mind, forcing him to act in a way he wasn’t familiar with. “I want to push you a month ahead in time because you’re so annoying, but at the same time…”

_At the same time, you want to stay in this moment forever._

The other man froze in place, but time had resumed a while ago, ticking around them and making them feel every single second. Eyes met his and he felt fingers on his naked shoulders, caressing them carefully. Hyungwon's loud comments and cursing faded away in an instant and only hesitant touches and that gaze were left, intense enough to give him goosebumps.

"You-" the low voice whispered, but didn't finish, teeth playing with the thick bottom lip instead.

“Don’t…” he breathed out, arms wrapping around the slim waist, brushing his fingertips over Hyungwon’s white wings and counting the seconds.

_One… two… three…_

“Don’t leave yet.”

An inhale, fingertips loosening around his arms, a brief ‘I’m sorry,’ breathed out against his lips and then nothing. No seconds ticking by, no exhales tickling his skin, no warm body to hold in his shaking hands and nothing else left to feel.


	5. Snow, glass and the freedom of finally letting go

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At first there was playful banter, then his constant attempts to distract from his wings and the energy still buzzing within his limbs. His attention had been so focused on the room he was in, an angel's living room that contained nothing personal, nothing meaningful. It was so unlike a human that it reminded him of his own inhumane ways along with the weight on his back. His playful banter could only do so much and sometimes it seemed like no matter how many years had passed; a demon always remains a demon.

_You cannot jump over your shadow._

Distance, comments said with a grin and nonchalant touches. He knew all of those, knew how to act and what they meant for him. All of his human relationships were just meant to give them a push, let them experience closeness and desire in the hope that they were going to seek it out without him.

_Is that really what you hope or what you expect?_

An angel didn't need his teachings, didn't need to experience in order to look for something else. This could have been the end of it, the end of their meetings and the end of breaking the rules. It could have and even though he didn't want it to be, he had somehow expected to disappear from that room without the slightest desire or need to return.

_Like a need that has been satisfied, only that you never are._

The seconds stayed the same, but still they felt different to him, too fast at first until arms wrapped around him and lips clashed against his with such an outburst of power that air got caught within his lungs. His neck burned from the remnants of exhales alone and dizziness returned to his mind as it struggled to comprehend while his body yearned to be closer.

Their kisses hadn't been this intense before and not even once had there been such a mixture of feelings in his chest. It alternated between pleasant and painful, back and forth, but the pain had no real source, nothing physical. It was like an internal power that took control of him and made him desire, one that stemmed from so deep inside that there was no way for him to access it.

_You cannot let it be. It will consume you._

"Don't," Hoseok whispered, but his decision was already made. He knew feelings and he knew which ones were his own. The separation had become easier over the years, but the pressure within his chest, that power attempting to reach out and grab a hold of the man in front of him couldn't have been him. No such power could have been him, because it belonged to the demonic side of him. The side he didn't want.

_He pulls the power back out of you by stepping closer. You don't know what it will do to you._

His hands were shaking, but he couldn't stay. Not when there was still so much power within him, so many thoughts and even more desires he felt he couldn't control.

"I'm sorry," left his lips and suddenly the seconds appeared to stretch as his body began dematerializing, but he didn't dare close his eyes. He observed the angel in front of him. Those features moved, so unlike demons, or the angel that he had seen materialize in Hoseok's apartment. Those gorgeous features created an expression he had never seen on the handsome face before. It was the genuine expression of hurt, how it must've pulled on the angel's insides, made his fingers clammy, his lips press into a thin line and the black eyes return to their round shape, making them seem so vulnerable and hurt that he couldn't take looking at them for a second longer.

The face disappeared and if he had been a real demon, the feeling might have disappeared along with it. Instead it was still there, throbbing in his chest and forcing his bottom lip to quiver pathetically. A demon wouldn't have cared, because a demon didn't need anybody. A demon didn't need anything apart from knowledge. The truth was the only thing he needed. It should have been.

_But you don't want to hear it._

His sight seemed blurry, so he wiped over his eyes with the back of his hand, revealing a basement with a small window. A single ray of light entered the space and strings of dust connected wooden boxes and the toys within. He recognized a teddy bear and what might have been a grey bunny. It was difficult to tell if the color was original or from the dust it was covered in.

_Why did you come here?_

The floor was cold under his naked feet, plain concrete that stretched throughout the whole basement which didn't have heating. Temperatures were rarely something he paid attention to, but right now his naked body didn't seem capable of heating up. His hands trembled and so did his shoulders as he slowly sank to the floor and wrapped his arms around his knees.

There was no reason to hide away in a basement he didn't know, a place he couldn't have been to before, but still teleported to. He didn't know the toys and he could barely take the cold, but still his body had decided that it was the safest place for him, far away from the only being that asked him not to leave.

_The only one who ever recognized you._

One might have wondered why he chose this for himself, why he ran away right when there was recognition in those dark eyes. After all, that was something that he yearned for, wasn't it?

_But it's not the same. He turns you into somebody else._

Smooth texture slid over his arms until it wrapped around him, wings covering him and hiding him away from the basement and the toys, from his thoughts and his mistakes. The sensation was familiar and he liked it, felt at ease with it, but at the same time he detested it. He was repulsed by what it stood for, what it meant for him and how it was the only thing that stood in the way of his only desire. To belong.

His fingers dug into his knees, focused on the sensation and the rush of blood through his veins. He tried to feel the cold floor under his feet by moving each of his toes, exploring the warmth of his own hands on his naked body, the comfort of his wings as they stroked over his arms and body while still holding him even if he didn't want to accept it.

He did the one thing that made him the being, the person he really was and the ability angels seemed to be so afraid of.

He felt.

_

His fingers drew a line, starting out simply by following the curve of a knee upwards and along a firm thigh. That was where the pattern became more intricate and smooth curves and circles were added to his path upwards. He painted invisible creations on hip bones and a naked chest, on nipples and collarbones.

Only when his fingers reached a handsome face he paused, wondering what it was that he felt at that exact moment.

_Are you even feeling anything?_

His fingers paused and he chewed on his bottom lip, disliking the thought along with the gaping nothingness in his chest. It wasn't that his fingertips couldn't feel the smooth skin and its warmth. They could and his body was still heated up with the pleasure he had experienced not too long ago. It also wasn't the case that his thoughts stopped being his own. He still desired to experience pleasure and hear the kind of sounds the man lying next to him was able to make, but there was no burning, nothing breathtaking or even addicting.

_As if everything has suddenly become bland._

Were the feelings he treasured so much so easily impacted? The man next to him had done everything he needed, he expressed his pleasure, kissed him, begged for more and even spoke of never wanting to let him go. All these had woken excitement within him.

_It simply isn't enough anymore._

A spark of anger developed and he quickly removed his hands from the handsome face to not accidentally hurt the human with a rough motion or the need to bury his nails somewhere. The beautiful man wasn't at fault for his sudden anger and helplessness. The one person that could have provided relief and knew exactly what effect he had was gone. Hoseok hadn't bothered to show his face, not even once.

_As if he was able to cut ties even though you were not._

Hoseok had watched him for weeks, held onto him and observed no matter who he was with, but not anymore. Now it was him constantly glancing outside of the window and expecting to see those pitch-black eyes watching him. An expectation that was never fulfilled.

_Because he gave up on you._

No human had ever been able to remain in his mind for longer than the night, for about as long as he remained on their minds. It was only natural that the interaction ended but having that gorgeous face in front of his inner eye along with black wings was driving him mad.

_He remembers you. That is why you cannot forget. He remembers and even though he does, he gave up on you._

_It's you and not merely the fact that he doesn't remember._

The thought hurt a little but had no consequences. It didn't mean that he was going to act or give in. It also didn't mean that he was going to accept the way it was without a question.

_It is simply there like so many other parts of you._

His hands were touching a human, but his thoughts were attached to an angel with black wings and didn't let go. It was so typical of the being that he was, of the demonic side that held onto the power he had experienced and couldn't forget about it, yearning to experience it again.

_It wants to be let out, but you cannot let it._

He forced himself to smile and return his thoughts to the human next to him, but it didn't seem to be possible. Not even when the naked body moved and the handsome face grimaced a little while waking up.

_Why aren't you feeling anything? Shouldn't you be enjoying this moment?_

His smile got wider and he stroked over a soft cheek, trying to focus on the texture and on how good he could feel if he gave up on his thoughts.

The man in his arms blinked and he smiled even wider to make him feel at ease. Human eyes glanced around the room and fixed on his blanket briefly before settling on him for good.

_Why don't you feel anything?_

"Did you sleep well?" he asked and kissed the exposed forehead, attempting to return at least some of the emotions he usually experienced. No reply followed.

The human still stared at him and didn't move a single centimeter as his hands held onto the blanket and his lips parted without a message.

"What happened?" he asked instead of his previous question and tried to stroke over blonde hair, but the man was quick to move a little further away.

_But why?_

"Who- who are you?"

His smile fell and along with it the seconds as they froze and he remained caught in time with the shocked expression of a human who didn't remember him. He shouldn't have been surprised, not after staying longer than usual and searching for a feeling that could compensate for the burning and the power that his body seemed to desire.

_But you don't want the power, you don't want to be like that._

His fingers stroked over the man's face and closed his eyelids. He wasn't going to remember his shock when he woke up again, but he also wasn't going to remember him. There was nobody who could, nobody but an angel.

His motions were tense as he got out of bed and collected his clothes the way he always did. They made him more like everybody else, more human even if his abilities didn't.

A hint of anger remained within him, but at this point he couldn't be sure if it was directed at him or the angel with black wings.

Hoseok hadn't come to observe him, not even once after claiming that he wanted him. But then again, he had also believed that there was no need to meet the angel anymore, that whatever they needed from each other should have been taken care of by now.

_But it's not. You want to see his face again, the way he looks when he sees you again._

His eyes roamed the apartment he was in, another place he didn't belong and merely borrowed to fulfil his purpose. The walls sucked up a piece of him without giving anything in turn, power that was pulled from his fingertips and power that he didn't want.

_Only once have you received in return, burned with a power that wasn't yours._

His lips pressed together so tightly that it hurt and he allowed the space around him to disintegrate and transform into the door of an apartment he had been to. An apartment that he had avoided for several weeks.

_You have to._

It felt ridiculous after entering the familiar space without as much as a word before, but still he reached out and pressed the bell, shaking a little because of the anticipation he felt. Because of the need to see the face he wanted to see, needed to see. He had finally given in.

Maybe at least that made him human.

There was nothing, no steps, no sounds, only a gaping emptiness.

_But you can feel him._

It wasn't a tugging at the strings of time, nor was it the scent of pure power that he should have recognized, but still he somehow knew that the angel was there, that he heard him but decided not to act.

_Are you lying to yourself?_

" _Don't leave,_ my ass," he murmured before simply closing his eyes again and feeling the shift of space until he envisioned the angel's living room. The place where he lay on the floor, revealed his wings and got kissed with so much emotion that the memory alone made him dizzy.

It was dark and only shimmering night lights, cars on the highway entering the big windows gave a hint of what it looked like in Hoseok's apartment. The black furniture didn't make it easy to recognize anything apart from the big couch and the familiar scent that immediately entered his nose, confirming that he had been right about his feeling.

_But why is it so dark?_

The darkness per se wasn't what surprised him, but the air seemed different, felt different. He dared a first step, listening intently to hear a motion, a deep exhale, a whisper, anything.

A few more steps took him to the window and he finally heard a rough exhale as he stepped on something soft that moved under his foot.

_Shit._

He yelled out loud, but whatever he stepped on didn't even jerk from the noise. His body was quick to sink to the floor as his hands tapped the wood furiously until he touched something soft, but cool. He recognized the texture of wings, but the temperature felt wrong. Everything felt wrong, like he shouldn't have been there, shouldn't have felt that way and any second there would be hot liquid covering his hands, dripping to the floor.

"H-Hoseok?" he whispered, confused by the dark, the silence and his own fear.

_What happened?_

"Mhm." The hum didn't feel like a reply, but more like a sign that the being on the floor was alive. Hoseok didn't move and the skin temperature he could feel under his fingertips terrified him. There was no way, no way that the angel could be this cold, not moving and with no burst of power accompanying every breath.

"You're- you're freezing," he whispered, too shocked to speak loudly and let his hands slide over the big wings until he reached shoulders and a face. It was as cold as the rest. "What happened?"

"You… you made me feel and now I can't stop," Hoseok breathed out, fingers scratching on the wooden floor regularly like a melody, something that was meant to distract from the incredibly cold body covered by black wings, from the tiny spark he could feel inside the broad chest instead of the fireball of energy that had been there before, the power that he knew and longed for. "But now that you're here, you can… maybe end it."

_End it?_

"What are you talking about?" He helplessly rubbed over the cold skin, unsure whether he hoped to warm it up or help the angel to come to his senses. Hoseok's words disoriented him, added unfamiliar dread to the pit of his stomach. "Feelings don't have such consequences, they… they burn, they are vibrant, they excite, not… not this."

_You liar._

"I guess I'm not made for this. I saw you. Saw you with that human and then it felt like my eyes told my insides to eat me alive. I held my breath and tried to hold it until I burned myself down, but it didn't work. I thought…" Hoseok stopped, putting a long break between his words and inhaling with so little force that it couldn't have reached his lungs. "I thought I would need to stop looking for you, so I could return to how it was before, but there was an issue with a soul so I went and I had to make it separate. I had to watch but it hurt so much that I had to use every single stream of energy I had to separate it from its body. I can't remember when it was, I have no idea where time went. Is it even here now? I… I don't know."

"The time?" he asked softly, unsure what Hoseok meant and didn't even realize how his fingers had found Hoseok's and slipped in between. "You… wanted to burn because you saw me with a human? Even if the human won't remember?"

He swallowed because he knew the feeling. He had felt it before and banned it because it was one of the most destructive and consuming ones.

_Jealousy._

It wasn't an emotion that a demon should have, not even one that desired to become human. There was never going to be a day he was satisfied, so there was no need for jealousy or desiring what he couldn't have.

"I don't care about the human," Hoseok hissed and tried to move but just shifted a bit forward before returning to his motionless state. It was strange to see that there was almost no breathing, but the muscular body still didn't manage to heat up. "I was wondering how you can feel, but at the same time continue living the way you did before. You shouldn't have come to me and you shouldn't have touched me. You shouldn't have let me touch you."

_Shouldn't have._

The man in his arms seemed to be more like a human than he had managed to be, during the many years that he had roamed on earth.

"I know the feelings that I yearn for," he whispered in reply and took the cold palm and used it to cup his own face. It wasn't the feeling he had yearned for, not with the freezing cold that immediately seeped through and pulled power from him.

_But still he's the one who can provide it._

"Good for you. I have something that I yearn for too. You have so much strength, so how about instead of letting my body pull it out slowly, you use it to give me peace?" The low voice sounded so much clearer than a second before, loud and determined.

_Give him peace?_

He couldn't remember a time when he used up his strength. It seemed to stem from a never-ending source, something purely demonic and he had never wanted to fuel it.

_You don't want it to be a part of you._

"I can't," he whispered and bit down on his bottom lip, not daring to tell the angel why he didn't access his power, no more than the bits he gave willingly to heat up the cold skin.

"I know that you can. Angels can't do anything to me, but you can, so I want you to do it." Hoseok's cold hands, pale like neon light, travelled to his shoulders and pulled him down just enough to meet his black eyes that seemed empty with how little light they reflected. "I can't stay like this," the angel whispered, barely moving his curved lips.

"You," he began, but couldn't believe the words he was about to speak. They didn't make any sense to him, not while knowing the sheer power that the angel usually possessed, the abilities he had, how easily he could turn a single moment into eternity. There were so many reasons to desire something else, to learn to feel instead.

"You want me to hurt you?"

"No, just hurting me won't be enough. You will have to use a lot of strength at once, focus it, but I have nothing inside me now, so it can work. You are the only one who can do it. Nobody will ever attempt to steal your time, you will be the only god around. There's no one else who can come here instead of me. There will be nobody but you and your feelings and nothing to lose." Hoseok's fingers dug into his arms, still cold and feeling alien along with the words that rained from his lips.

_Is that how he sees you?_

"What?" he hissed and couldn't remember ever letting go of another person so quickly, as if burned. The other man's grip wasn't strong enough to hold on, hand falling uselessly to the side. "You're fucking crazy, angel. And you don't know me, you don't know me at all."

_He wants you to end him, just like that._

Hoseok chuckled, wings briefly lifting, but unceremoniously falling back before covering most of the muscular body. "Crazy? No. It's not an idea I came up with just now. It's something that I genuinely want but could never achieve. And then I met you, you with enough power to end it for me and you who gave me another reason for my existence to end. I thought they could punish me if I made mistakes, but they know nothing and they can't do anything either. Only you can. You made me feel and I can't spin time fast enough to make it undone, so just end it, Hyungwon. End it and go back to humans who don't mind that they can't have you."

_They cannot make it undone, only you can._

He froze, but it wasn't because of seconds that stopped passing or strings of time that tightened in his hands. This time it was only him and his inability to deal with a person wanting to have him. Wanting to have him beyond a wakeup call, beyond a desire for knowledge and learning to live in the moment, beyond a single night after which the lesson stayed but he was forgotten.

_He cannot bear the emotions, the desire, but it's not towards something. It's towards you._

"You think you can't have me and that is why you want to die?" he asked and didn't know whether he should have laughed or cried. "You're the one who bleeds power and you expect me to have enough to kill you? You say that I gave you another reason, but how do you know if you have only experienced a single side of feeling? The facets are endless and you will never experience them all if you don't let yourself."

_You yearn for emotions, but a single one is enough to make him want to stop existing._

Some of his power concentrated at his fingertips and he observed as it slipped into the cold body, returning a little bit of its heat.

"It's the reason I'm like this, why I live like this, Hoseok. Your reason for wanting to leave is the reason I'm here."

"Not having you… I don't even know what that would mean because I never had you. You belong to your own desire to have what you can't have. It's not my reason to stop existing. My reason is that I will never be able to push time fast enough for the infinity to end, but I want it to end. It's torturous. And… stop warming me up instead of doing what I ask of you." The other man jerked away from his touch, wrapping his arms around his knees and covering himself with his wings. "I'm bleeding power and you're keeping it closed under a thousand locks, aren't you? Just open them once and then continue striving for that one thing you will never have, attempting to be something that you never will. I don't need to experience anything because the consequence means I will have to stay with it until the end of time. An end that will never come."

_You don't want an end._

For the first time since he could think, he didn't know what to say or answer. There were no words on his tongue that could have pushed the situation towards the truth and convinced the angel in front of him. He didn't have a reply because there was none. There was no absolute truth.

_It changed._

His fingers were trembling and his eyes widened as he pulled at his center, leading the power he never allowed to coarse through him towards his fingertips, ready to give it away.

_Your desires have changed._

He made his way towards the black wings, the feathers that he could almost feel when he stroked along the air above them.

"What if it's you?" he asked before reaching out and stroking along the spot on Hoseok's back where his wings grew from, feeling the power leave him and warm up the man in front of him instead. "The one thing I'll never have."

"Is that what you say to them before they go to sleep?" Hoseok breathed out, roughly, probably feeling the energy and annoyed that it didn't attempt to hurt him as he wanted it to.

"You fucker," he hissed and had to control himself to not leave marks on the smooth skin as his anger bubbled up within. "It's not my fucking fault they forget. It's not. I can't do anything, not a single fucking thing and then you just come here, recognize me and at the same time want me to get rid of the only person that does. I'm not that fucking selfless. What the heck do you want from me?"

He couldn't explain the burst of anger, the panic that developed within him and made him tighten his grip, hold on with so much strength that nobody could have separated him from the angel's body.

A few feathers moved away from Hoseok's handsome face, revealing his round eyes and pink mouth. "I told you what I want. Your story doesn't make sense because you'll brush over my cheek and smile so gorgeously and then, stretch the seconds whispering I'm sorry in my face, so it can hurt more. Before you go back to some place that isn't infinite. Don't get me wrong, you can do whatever you want. Just do me the favor and make it stop. I know you can."

_You can't. Nobody can._

He swallowed and instead of replying he focused on heating up the broad body, to return the warmth before carefully wrapping his arms around the warmer neck from behind.

_You're angry, but he knows exactly what to say, how to use his knowledge against you._

There was nothing he could say to justify himself, because it was exactly what he did. He was the replacement for an epiphany and provided humans with comfort until it was over and he repeated the cycle over and over again.

"I can't," he repeated out loud and let the fingers of his right hand slip into blonde hair. It wasn't hurting Hoseok that he meant even if that was also true. "Can you stop separating souls from their bodies?"

"No. It's the only reason I have power," the low voice breathed out as the angel remained completely motionless and he recognized so much tension in the muscular body that he wondered if the energy supply wasn't too strong. "But honestly, I don't know. It doesn't make sense because they didn't give me the power. It was there from the start. I have no idea. I didn't want to think about that. I just asked you for one single thing."

_He's right, you actually don't know. You don't know what will happen if you just stop._

"You did," he replied and used his physical strength to pull Hoseok against his chest and wrap his arms tightly around the angel's body. "But you will get another."

His fingers travelled over soft skin that had warmed up, a jaw he still remembered and carefully turned towards himself.

_You both say you can't and still you do the opposite._

"Because whatever you did when you touched me stole my ability to feel everything else."

***

Time.

His worst enemy but at the same time his trusted partner, continuously running as fast as he asked it to, but never quite enough for him to be satisfied. Time collected around him like a burden he thought he could never let go of, drenched in the scent of freshly baked pastries, undisclosed desire and hidden power. A power he could still perceive buzzing against his fingertips so clearly.

The seconds felt like minutes, hours, years, torturing him endlessly and he knew that he couldn’t do anything. He couldn't push the seconds far enough from himself, far enough to create distance from the person who had experienced that specific burning in his chest when he saw a demon’s gorgeous body be touched by human hands, made it move and react, feel. He couldn’t make the time move so fast that he would forget what it felt like to force a soul out of a dying body, using all the power he had to comply with his personal mission, to not succumb to the wish to leave the dimension and let it be. Lately, he just wanted to let it be.

_Let it all be and not be part of it anymore._

Maybe a week had passed, but maybe a year, or ten years. Nobody cared that he lay on the floor next to the big window, covered by his wings for eternity because it wasn’t the way it was supposed to be and he wasn’t the way he was supposed to be. He was supposed to fulfil his mission, know what was right and not doubt it, but nobody seemed to care if he actually did either. The human world seemed like a long-lasting dream and only the dull pain against his wing removed some of the grey blur in front of his eyes, forcing him to use his voice in response to the words that sounded worried. But what were words in the face of feelings? A numb nothingness that meant nothing and couldn’t change anything.

_He came to you._

His lungs hurt so much and he struggled remembering how to inhale, trying it out, but sinking back to the floor in pain. He only had this one chance. The chance to disappear forever because the demon next to him possessed the power to end him. Enough to end him right now.

_But he doesn’t understand you. Not even he does._

They were so different. That was his conclusion as he lay on the cold floor, without a single string of energy inside his chest, covered by his wings and only asking for one thing, one that the black-haired being with bright blue eyes that resembled the northern lights refused to give him. Instead, the low voice spoke of learning how to feel and experiencing things. He didn’t want to experience anything, nothing further than the torture he already had, nothing more than the perspective of time never ending and never being fast enough to separate from him. He didn’t want to feel anything more than the intoxicating scent creeping into every cell of his body and making him doubt his own decisions. He didn’t want more. No more.

_You just want it to stop._

Instead of granting his wish, the fire inside his chest was fueled by thin streams of energy leaving the demon’s body and accumulating inside his own as if that was what he wanted, was made for, longed for. It wasn’t. It wasn’t, but still, his body took it greedily and he wanted to shake from anger, from helplessness and the burning that accompanied all of it. The burning that spread along his skin when those warm arms wrapped around him and he hated the thought that it would stay. That the memory of those warm wet lips against his neck would stay, would accompany him for eternity, just like the feeling of not being the way he was supposed to be.

_You feel, but even that is not the way he is used to. You aren’t human, so the way you feel is crooked, makes you want to perish. This is not what he is searching for. You are like a mistake of the universe in every possible way._

_The worst mistake of them all._

Fingers stroked over his shoulders, his neck and jaw and it hurt to breathe and hurt not to breathe as his face was pulled towards those blue eyes that shone so bright that his own hurt meeting them.

"Because whatever you did when you touched me took my feeling for everything else," the low voice breathed out.

“Humans must really like to hear things like that to feel special,” he whispered in reply and pressed his lips together, trying to reject the energy that entered his body, but it didn’t work. It just didn’t work and he hated the warmth that spread inside his chest and the fingers that made him feel so much more now and those eyes that looked hurt and hurt him in return, but so much worse. It was so much worse than anything that he had experienced before.

_You can't do this. You can't._

“Let’s be honest, you will let me suck out some of the power that you keep under a thousand locks and then you will go back to somebody who doesn’t remember you because it’s easy. He won’t ask you questions about why you are doing all that and even though you say it’s not your fault, you still chose to do it. You say you can’t stop? You can. You have enough power to stop just like you can stop time and you don’t stop it for them. You stop it for yourself because you want it to last. You are right. You don’t know me and I don’t know you. What I know is that there is no way someone who is a dancing star, wrapping the chaos around his wrists and enjoying every second will be satisfied with a being who wants to push the flow of time so far away that it will separate from him for good. And now just do me the favor and end this. I don’t want to stay for an eternity feeling like this.” His hands shook and his wings moved back and forth, mirroring the chaos inside his chest that pulled on the thin string deep inside that always hurt the most. The place that made his face feel cold and his eyes push out thick, burning liquid, dripping dark red on his naked thighs.

_That string never stopped hurting. You must’ve been feeling something before he made you feel more._

The power that was strong enough to wipe every thought from his mind didn't come and words didn't fill out the silence surrounding them. The drops that ran down his chin and finally dripped onto his thighs were the only sounds echoing off the white walls.

A soft touch travelled over the curve of his ear towards his cheek, warm thumb brushing over the thick liquid and spreading it instead of wiping it away.

"I- I don't know what to say," the demon whispered and tried again, still only smearing the blood over his cheek. His fingers seemed almost erratic, as if he tried to make the color fade by rubbing over it. Again, and again and again. As if he didn't want to see it, wanted it to stop existing, to disappear.

"Eternity is unbearable without pleasure. I need the high, the seconds that stretch it and make me forget about time. Your power does it too, it can stop the moment, stop it _forever_. I need it."

Suddenly hands grabbed his shoulders and buried in his skin, grip too tight to be pleasant.

"I need it, Hoseok."

“You don’t. Time passes even though you talk about the moment stretching forever. Time continues and you continue, dancing with time and finding pleasure somewhere else. You don’t need me for that and I’ve seen it. Right now, I wish I had the strength to take you a few weeks into the future, so you finally understand that it won’t matter to you. That you don’t have to tell me you need something that only I have, because you can tell those things to the humans you are with. The ones who can give you a brief high that comes so easily but can be replaced by anything.” He used all the strength he had thanks to the man in front of him and pushed himself away, shifting towards the window and leaning his back against it, feathers rubbing over the cold glass that made him long for the freezing air outside. But no matter how much he tried, the sweetness in his nose, in his chest, in his mind kept calling him, pulling him close to the one with the bright eyes. “Why did you come here?” he breathed out. “Leave, and only come back if you can give me what I’m asking for.”

"No," the low voice replied and he felt the seconds still, the ticking stop and the man in front of him tug at the strings of time. Hyungwon was holding onto it as if there was a reason to stretch the moment, to freeze it despite it lacking all those emotions the demon was constantly looking for. "You cannot tell me that you want me, have me think about it for weeks while struggling to feel the same intensity with a human, only to come to you because I couldn't take it anymore and be told to help you fade away. No."

“So... you’re searching for more intensity?” he pressed out, feeling the energy draining from the force that he only now was aware of, the power that he needed to fight the seconds that stood still around them. “I wasn’t made to feel. I don’t know why I exist in the first place, but the way I feel isn't the same way you, or the humans feel. But… you must’ve been on earth for such a long time… long enough for your words to sound so pretty. Almost as pretty as you are.”

"W-what?" Hyungwon stuttered and so did time, fingers briefly letting go of the strings and allowing the seconds to rush past. His comment must have been surprising even though it didn't make sense. He had seen humans say it over and over again, so it couldn't have been the words.

Time continued its flow, his skin and chest continued burning, his bloody tears continued flowing down his cheeks, and he gathered some of the power left, just enough to move forward quickly, meeting those bright eyes, so close that he felt a second of hesitation, a motion of his lips that wanted to say something, but failed. He pulled his wings back and pushed himself with an explosion of power through the thick safety glass of the big window, feeling it shatter against his feathers and back as the thin air failed to carry his weight and let him fall, along with the glass shards, quickly, but not as fast as he wanted to. Not fast enough for him to be unable to count the floors. Sixty, fifty, forty…

His body had enough weight to get faster with each additional floor and he watched the drops lift off his cheeks and disappear in the air, fade away the way he wished he could. He liked the wind, how fast it felt, almost like when he had enough power to make time fly by like this, like the snowflakes that were so much slower than he was as he approached the ground, ten, eight, six, trying to let go of every bit of strength left inside him with one last sigh.

_You don’t really expect this to work, do you? You tried._

Fifth floor, he saw a bird fly past wondering if it was better to lack any thoughts in the first place, lack that one place they came from.

Fourth, the wind was fast and was just the way he liked it. He couldn’t help a brief smile.

Third… suddenly the air didn’t feel the way it should have, laced with thin then thicker streams of energy, collecting, assembling to a fireball that threatened to take over everything.

Second… and he lost his ability to breathe, body hit by a force he didn’t expect and when he opened his eyes wider, all he could see was a sea of blue and a rain shower of glass shards that hung in the air all around him, back burning and shoulders aching so much that he groaned.

"This is nothing, you fucker," a familiar voice hissed into his ear as his wings were pressed against a cold surface and he recognized a firm grip around his body, keeping him still. "You can't jump off a fucking building with your wings out and not fly. What the hell were you thinking? Why the fuck would you even jump? Shit. If your stupidity doesn't kill you, then I'm going to, but surely not the way you imagine."

Hyungwon was talking quickly and he felt the demon's heart furiously pumping blood through his body. The way the slim frame felt against his was different now, far from the human shell the demon tried so hard to keep. This time he could feel the power easily, taste it on his tongue with every inhale.

_He must have let it out. Because of you._

“Thinking? I was thinking about how much I like the wind when it’s fast, faster than if I’m driving on the highway and push time further, accelerating more. I was thinking about birds, about being able to stop everything, about not having thoughts and... your scent.” He tried to shift, but those hands held him with so much force that he winced briefly, smiling right after. The situation was too unusual and somehow, he found it amusing after being prevented from smashing into the concrete.

Finally, he opened his eyes fully and met the bright blue that echoed the hottest fire he had ever seen, when the flame doesn’t get red, but stays in the cold shades of blue, dangerous, destructive and beautiful. “Do you know that your scent gets so much sharper when you allow the power to fill you out? When your wings come out, your eyes become like flames and it’s the same scent that you had when you… when you let go with me.”

_When he feels pleasure._

"That can't be," Hyungwon hissed and tightened his grip. "You're just trying to fuck with me, aren't you? I don't let any of this get out, not even when I let go."

_He's lying or he's unaware._

“Bullshit,” he whispered and lifted his right hand, as it was the only limb he was able to move, to Hyungwon’s collarbone, only partially covered by ripped fabric. The glass shards were still around them, floating in the air like snowflakes caught in time and he held his breath, feeling Hyungwon's power that enabled it, that caught time and didn't let it flow. “I know exactly what your scent is like and I can feel the power against my fingertips.” His fingers moved slowly, feeling the buzzing energy in the same way they did when he had touched the gorgeous body, made it move under his touch, made him let go. “Mhm. It feels the same. You might not be aware, but it is.”

"No," Hyungwon replied, exhaling roughly through his nose, but he could hear the growing hesitation. "Even if it is, your feelings aren't worth living for, are they? So why are you stroking over my skin?"

_Because you know that you have no chance to do anything like this. He's too powerful and he doesn't want to use it against you._

“Because you don’t want to do what I’m asking you to. You interfered with my fall, you freed your power, showing me that you could do what I asked of you, just to tell me you won’t. I’m stroking over your skin because seeing your gorgeous eyes and having my lungs filled with that scent of yours, I feel like I don’t want anything else. It will stay until you disappear again. Until then…”

Hyungwon must’ve loosened the grip a little, enabling him to move his other arm that wrapped around the slim waist and traveled up to the white wings, dancing over them with his fingertips. If he couldn’t have the one thing that he wanted, maybe it was okay to have the second thing that he wanted most.

A tremble shook the body in front of him, enough to be obvious and a deep inhale confirmed that the demon enjoyed the touch. Hyungwon must have liked having his wings touched, even if they moved away just a little, like a justification to himself that he had attempted to escape.

"You're giving me whiplash, Hoseok," the beautiful being whispered. The power that filled out the air and seemed to wrap around him was addicting. His body warmed up and it was easier to move. He still felt it, the defeat and helplessness from what happened before, but the scent, that sweet, intoxicating scent and those eyes that pulled him in made it seem secondary for a moment. A moment that Hyungwon was able to pause for them both.

_Like this it's bearable._

“I still think the same. I still want you to end it for me, but if you won’t, I want to have you for a moment longer if I have to exist anyway.” He smiled and leaned forward, breathing the power that Hyungwon possessed and gave away, making him stronger, making him feel more. Inhaling once and licking his lips because of the exact same scent he had noticed when they had been close before, he placed a kiss on the plump lips. “It’s not that I can’t feel or can only feel pain. It’s that the only feeling I want, is the one I have when I’m with you.”

The soft touch of his lips against plump ones transformed into a firm press as the demon suddenly pulled him flush against his body and clashed their mouths together, exhaling into the kiss.

"You want to have me for a moment longer?" Hyungwon asked before licking over his neck and nibbling on the spots that made his legs quiver. "What if it never ends?"

The _moment you have him would never end?_

“Ah…” he muttered, letting his hands draw patterns on those gorgeous white wings as he slipped his thigh between Hyungwon’s legs. “Your words are so pretty, you can even make infinity sound bearable.”

"It can be." A gasp sounded close to his ear and lips mouthed along his jugular before biting just enough for a spark of pleasure. "You only need to find the right moment. You have the strength to hold onto it, make it infinite."

“How am I supposed to choose?” he laughed before holding his breath as his body heated up and the fabric around the demon's gorgeous body fell apart under his fingertips, turning into ashes just for his hands to roam the naked skin. “You gave me enough energy to push time, but I won’t. Not now. Now I want you more.”

The handsome face lifted from his neck and blue eyes met his gaze, holding it for several long seconds. Even though those plump lips parted to reply, he wouldn't have needed to hear it. The jump in power, how quickly the scent intensified and the vibrant sweetness were answer enough.

"Have me," the demon whispered and pulled him in through his eyes, his scent, his everything. "And I will show you what it means to live."

He chuckled, despite being dizzy and despite his hands and mouth trying to touch and taste every single bit of Hyungwon’s skin as he sunk to his knees with his wings spreading before he looked up. “I don’t want you to teach me anything, demon, and I surely don’t want to live,” he whispered. “I want you.”

***

Blue fire replaced every single drop of blood in his veins, blood he couldn't remember ever seeing. Was it red too, as red as the drops running down an angel's face?

Maybe that had been his fallacy. The belief that the bits about himself that made him most similar to an angel were his hidden strength, the wings, the control of time and humans.

_But what if it was the features you wanted all along?_

That curved mouth speaking of eternity ending, of not feeling anymore and not having to bear the sight of him with another human, was more human than he could ever try to be. A desire for pain to end was also human, a solution he had never thought about and couldn't imagine pursuing. He wasn't like that, not at all.

_You're a demon in human disguise._

How true the thought was, became apparent when his body burned with power, every single drop enough to blow up if he wanted it to. A feeling he had almost forgotten, but he yearned to remember its sweetness. His fingertips tingled and his muscles kept flexing, as if there was too much strength to contain and they couldn't stay still.

His thoughts were still scrambled from the fast transformation and the force he freed unexpectedly. Simultaneously, time was standing still, unmoving without a need to hold onto its strands. His sheer will was enough to make it happen and to have the physical strength to push Hoseok against the wall and trap him with his body.

_You cannot control it, not anymore. It's rushing through you._

The angel in front of him must have desired what all humans did, a moment to feel as much as possible, to burn and understand that living without vivid perceptions wasn't living. Such a sensation he could provide easily, with a few motions of his hands, a few words, a few kisses. It was as easy as an inhale and the bitterness on his tongue didn't matter. It shouldn't have mattered.

_He's more human than you could ever be. Why would he desire anything else?_

He observed the way the angel responded to his words, how he rejected the knowledge of living the moment, only to desire something that… that nobody else did.

_You. He wants you._

"Is it me or my power you want?" he whispered after a moment of surprise and stroked over the round face, cupping it with his right palm. The energy creating sparks at his fingertips didn't care about his desires and easily slipped into the angel's body, filling him out without an invitation and adding heat to the soft skin.

_As if it was made for him._

"Isn't that a mean question to ask when my body is sucking it up without my mind having a say in this? But you know that I'm equipped with enough. That's the core of my problem." Hoseok chuckled, roaming his hands over his lower body and literally burning the fabric off his thighs. "Why would somebody who doesn't want to exist need your power? To vanish? I don't think sitting between your legs will make you more willing to use it to fulfil my wish, or will it?"

_He means it. It's a constant thought on his mind, repeating and not allowing him a single second to breathe._

"You told me not to give you energy unless it is for the purpose you desire," he remarked and stroked over Hoseok's gorgeous mouth, thumb tracing the outline and parting the pretty lips, just enough to feel a rush of two things simultaneously, power that the angel easily accepted and arousal that added to the heat within him. "Will you let me change your mind?"

"I did say that I don't want it, but when do you ever listen, am I right?" Those delicate fingers travelled from his thighs towards his hips, burning the fabric to ashes that Hoseok kissed from his skin. "Don't try to change my mind. I'm not one of your life epiphany jobs. You came because you wanted this, didn't you?"

His body betrayed him before his thoughts could, burning even more and wings moving quickly to be closer, close enough to sink his fingers into long hair and have his left hand pressed flat against the wall. The source of power within his chest was unquenchable and made him dizzy, overwhelmed by how easily it influenced him instead of following what he considered right, should have considered right.

"Everything else isn't enough," he replied eventually and tugged at the strands of hair between his fingers. Each tug reflected in a burst of power that changed owners.

"How can it be enough if there's infinity inside you?" Hoseok asked and removed the last bit of the layer that lay between the burning mouth and his vibrating skin, covering it with kisses, hungrily pulling him closer, wings moving back and forth slowly. Despite time that continued standing still, the snowflakes that stopped falling and the glass shards surrounding them and reflecting the night lights with their every move.

A breathy moan passed his lips instead of a reply and he tightened his grip because of a simultaneous burst of anger. Anger because the angel knew what to say, which questions to ask and how to challenge the knowledge he possessed.

"Shut up," he hissed and let his eyes flutter shut, left hand using too much strength and blackening the wall. "Infinity is just never-ending moments of pleasure for me, no more."

"You liar," a chuckle sounded, but those hands continued drawing the curve of his waist, roaming his thighs and dancing over his hip bones, teasing what he could be feeling, how much more he could be feeling.

_Demons can't lie._

"Then… go back to those moments of pleasure, why come here and get all worked up with an angel who doesn't want to exist?"

_Because demons can't lie, but you can._

"Because I've never been satisfied," he answered quietly, overwhelmed by the sheer force with which power continuously left him and attached to the man between his legs and the way he made him feel. "So, I never stopped time for infinity. No feeling was good enough."

_Nothing but the way he was able to make you burn._

"What if you can never be satisfied?" Hoseok wrapped his hands around his hips, energy buzzing from those soft fingertips, connecting to the streams that surrounded his body before those burning lips closed around his length and pulled so roughly on his arousal that his eyes squeezed shut.

His right hand tugged without his control, pulling Hoseok back just enough to meet his gaze before the same wave of pleasure washed over him again. Thighs flexed and gasps rained from his lips, but his non-human form kept him stable, basking in the sensations he experienced.

_What if you can never be satisfied?_

"Impossible," he gasped in reply and tugged at the blonde hair again, this time to bury a little more of himself between those lips and to stop thinking. To stop doubting.

The angel was strong enough to move despite time standing still and he enjoyed the power that carried his own scent coming from the muscular body between his legs. Those lips made him feel everything at once, pulling moan after moan from him until it was almost too late and just then, Hoseok leaned back, wetting his lips and lifting to his feet.

"Fuck," he hissed and contained the urge to use force to provide closure. His fingers trembled from the strength with which they had held on and his energy was so thick in the air that he could smell it himself.

After examining him for a few moments, the angel with the silver-white hair and black eyes walked around him, burning fingertips dancing over his wings before he felt the muscular chest against them, the strong arms around his waist and how much Hoseok's body reacted.

_He's making you breathe fire._

"Touch them," he murmured before he could stop himself, a pleasant shudder still in his memory after the first time those delicate hands had touched his wings. His whole body felt like it was on fire, energy replacing blood and using every point of contact to provide him with more pleasure, to mix with the angel's power that had become the reason he couldn't desire anything else.

Hoseok's hands remained on his hips, pulling them flush against the angel's body, but his hot lips started kissing his wings, first softly and then applying more pressure. "It's a pity that you can't let your gorgeous wings be kissed by a human. Considering how much you like it. But like this I have something that's entirely mine."

"I don't like it," he hissed, but it sounded ridiculous, even to himself. A demon couldn't lie, but still lies were constantly spilling from his lips as if they could protect him, save the idea of the person he wanted to be. A person who didn't need the power, time and finally the sensation of a hot tongue on the sensitive skin of his wings.

"Mhm, of course you don't. I bet you also don't like the way my energy returned and vibrates at every spot that my skin touches yours," Hoseok smiled against his shoulder, fingertips dancing over his wings and staying longer where it felt most sensitive. "What else do you dislike? Maybe that your eyes close every second I'm touching you when they never do when you let yourself be touched by human hands. There must be a reason you do it though, maybe I should try it out. Letting a human touch me… "

"Shut up," he groaned and leaned forward to rest both of his hands flat against the wall, too sensitive in his demonic form and with hands, lips and thick streams of energy driving him mad. It felt good, too good to stay in control. His wings spread and tried to have more of the kisses and goosebumps that covered his shoulders and back. "You have no fucking idea about me or humans. You don't even talk to them, so what do you know?"

_Are you scared?_

"I don't need to talk. What you do is not really about talking either. I can do that much. I just need to reach out like this…" Those delicate hands felt burning hot, but he could handle them now. Now they only fueled his arousal as they ran along his wings, his shoulders, stroking over his waist and drawing his hip bones, teasing and making it even harder to think about anything but those teeth nibbling on his neck, the body that pushed him against the wall before Hoseok turned him. "But no human smells like you do. Your scent is driving me insane. It's taking over my thoughts and I enjoy it like a touch." The pale hand lifted to his face, removing a glass shard that was in the way before reaching out to touch his cheek. "Don't you dare leave," the angel breathed against his lips.

_As if you could._

His lips parted to reply something provocative, to fight back and show the angel holding him that he wasn't holding him at all, that any moment he could free himself with his own strength and fly away with no thoughts remaining. But it wasn't true. It wasn't true at all and he could feel it with every single bone in his body, with every drop of power that left through his fingertips and was replaced by another that wasn't his own.

"Make me stay then," he replied before clashing their mouths together, body burning from the exchange and the temperature that blazed against every inch of him. He needed it, needed the closeness, the kisses, the pleasure.

_The power._

Hoseok pushed the shards away with his wings that moved back and forth before letting himself fall softly on the cold floor and taking him along, mouths still connected and unable to get enough of each other. "No. You stay because I know that you want to."

_You do._

He didn't reply, unwilling to admit out loud that Hoseok was right. His lips were a much better response as they covered curved ones and nibbled along a delicious neck. He wanted to feel more, to access the rush of energy he knew was going to wash over him as soon as he brought the angel's pleasure to the surface.

_You only need to get closer, to feel him for real._

His hands scratched over splintered wood, but he couldn't care less, fingertips passing over it carelessly until they reached a muscular chest and felt a strong heartbeat pumping against them. His thighs were arranged on each side of the angel's hips, but he wasn't feeling enough yet.

Power slipped from his core towards his fingers and he easily cut through the remnants of black fabric around Hoseok's hips, uncovering the last bits of skin before sitting down and spreading out his wings to their full span. It felt good, so fucking good that a moan slipped through his parted lips even before he could stop it.

"I'll have you," he whispered, only belatedly realizing that it was an admission towards what he wanted, that he wanted to feel all of the angel's power and body, setting him on fire in every way possible.

"I stop caring about time when I see you sitting on top of me like this. I stop caring about everything that's not you," Hoseok breathed out, hands traveling up his thighs and wrapping around his waist.

"Good," he exhaled with a smile and lifted his hips just enough to wrap the fingers of his right hand around the angel's length, playing with it just enough to know that it wasn't only his desires that he planned on fulfilling. "Once I begin, you'll stop thinking too."

"Is that a threat?" A gorgeous smile appeared on the angel's face and it was the first time he had seen anything like, shining in the dark, bright like the moon. "I've never used my body this way, but I've seen you use yours often enough to be aware of what's going to happen. I just want to see whether it feels different to you."

_He wants to know if it's different?_

His eyes widened just a little as he realized several things at once. First of all, it meant that the gorgeous angel had really never been close to anybody, nothing beyond the social niceties and the kisses and touches they had shared before. The pleasure that Hoseok knew must have been plain, plain compared to what he was going to show him. Second, it didn't seem to be the pleasure that those black eyes were anticipating, but his reaction to it.

_He wants to see if you like it more, if you need it more than what you know._

"You might forget all about that," he commented and leaned in to cover the muscular chest in kisses while simply brushing his behind over a wet tip. He liked how it felt, the anticipation he was building and at the same time the feeling in the air. Words weren't necessary to know how Hoseok reacted to him, the power in the air told him all on its own, becoming thick and sweet, addicting.

_You can't get enough._

"Do it," Hoseok breathed out, eyes filling with black as the small spark that had been in the broad chest before turned into a fireball that was too big to be contained inside one body.

_His power seems limitless._

He chewed on his bottom lip and instead of obeying the way his body wanted to, he kept teasing, struggling to breathe in the thickness of the air. His fingers vibrated slightly each time they brushed over hip bones and those hips, images filling his head. He had never been with anybody who wasn't human, anybody who had the power to influence him this way.

"Make me," he mouthed and reached out to grab the other man's biceps, digging his fingers into them just enough to encourage a tighter grip.

A split second might have passed, or it didn't, but Hoseok's face appeared right in front of his, black wings covering the snow outside as they spread just as wide as his own, moving and pushing the air that was laced with energy towards him. Those delicate hands wrapped tighter around his hips and he felt the hot length right under him, those teeth in his neck, the fireball growing and leaking through burning skin and wrapping around his wrists and neck.

He gasped from the pressure and his fingers began trembling within their hold around Hoseok's biceps. The seconds remained frozen and the feeling of time escaped him, but his thighs flexed and slowly lowered his body, bit by bit as his own body heat rose beyond the usual. He was burning from within, but his body was pulling the heat just like it had been sucking up the power, full of greed and desire.

"Fuck me," he breathed out once his thighs touched Hoseok's blazing ones, pleasure as thick around him as the power in the air.

It seemed as if Hoseok's eyes turned absolute black and the silver hair out shone the snowflakes next to them, frozen in time. The black wings collected power and focused it inside the broad chest until it burst forth, drowning him in an ocean of energy.

"No human will ever be able to take this, to take you," Hoseok muttered and moaned gorgeously, using his grip to lift him and roll his hips with a wave of power that threatened to bury him like a tsunami. "But I can. I can, so let go of it."

_You can't. You can't control it._

He shook his head instead of a reply, whole body still recovering from the pleasure that coursed through it while yearning for more. He couldn't get enough, not with the power surrounding him and easily finding entry, not with those black eyes observing him and hands holding on with just the right amount of strength. It felt so good that he wanted to throw his head back and scream, let go and stop holding onto the buzzing within him, lose control.

_Feel nothing but pleasure._

"Let go, Hyungwon. Let go of it." The low voice surrounded him too, stroking over the shell of his ear just before there was another burst of power, exploding around and within him as Hoseok moved and moved again and again, filling the apartment with threads, creating their own flow, pulling at time with both hands, with two pairs of hands to make it stop, make the moment last forever.

The heat within him was becoming unbearable, a tugging at his chest as power wrapped around his neck and applied pressure. He could bear it, he knew he could, but the pure bliss he was feeling influenced his thoughts, changed them towards more touches, more pleasure and finally more of the other man. Words left his lips, but they didn't sound like his own as he whispered a name, asked for more and barely felt the strain of moving, slamming his hips down as the energy he possessed compensated for it, slipping through every pore of his body despite his resistance.

"I can feel it, I can feel you, Hyungwon. Fuck." Hoseok gasped but continued moving, continued touching him, his wings, biting into his neck and searching for his lips before they finally connected and it felt like their bodies became nonexistent, replaced by a fireball that threatened to burn everything around them.

The blazing heat within him wasn't containable anymore, not with the equally hot flames surrounding him from all sides, intertwining with his own and pulling them towards the surface. Everything around him was begging him to let go, the pleasure that he couldn't get enough of, the delicious mouth against his own, each motion of Hoseok's hips. All of it was asking him to let go and stop repressing what made him a demon.

So, he did.


	6. Cancelled eternity and the memories at the bottom of the ocean

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‘Invisible threads are the strongest ties,’ Nietzsche had said. Before, he hadn't been able to understand, but now, being so close and having millions of invisible threads intertwine with his own flow, mixing with his energy that seemed never ending, pouring from his chest down his limbs and seeping into every pore of the body on top of him, now he felt it. There was no way for them to step away from each other, to leave, or to stop. They were caught in each other’s threads, tied but untied, constricted, but so full of power, gasping for air but breathing fire that burned down their bodies, their thoughts.

He didn’t know how anybody would be able to handle the combination of pure power, the energy and those sensations that made time around them stutter, go back and forth. He knew that something was happening with the gorgeous demon who spread his wings fully, who opened his eyes and this time, they resembled the sun, too bright and painful to look at. Next, he saw the shards fly back to the window that Hyungwon had smashed, reconstructing it before roughly breaking and rushing back towards them. Time stuttered again and they dropped to the floor at once only to lift back up and remain hanging in the air around them. Hyungwon’s eyes closed as the massive wave of energy buried him, curled around his neck and tightened its grip.

_He might be able to hurt you like this._

His eyes opened and he saw light traveling through Hyungwon’s naked body as it continued moving, he saw how time acted like a stone that the demon had kicked away with his foot, not bothering to hold onto the strings tightly because they were dancing around him, wrapping around him voluntarily. Then a thin layer disappeared, separating the dimension they were in and the dimension where souls became air. That grey, empty place that contained nothing but light that transitioned into grey fog. So much fog.

_Was it you?_

It must’ve been him.

Once he let go and allowed the energy to course through his body, making him dizzy from the taste of power, Hyungwon’s scent took over him fully and he wasn’t able to stop his motions, pushing himself towards the explosion he knew was coming.

Right before the strings of time tightened around him, stretching the moment, he looked up, looking right into those bright eyes. Bright blue eyes that weren't the shade he expected, not the intense ice blue he knew.

He couldn’t keep track of the energy that entered his body, of the motions of Hyungwon’s hips that slammed down on him, of those wings that moved back and forth. He could only see a chestnut-brown, warm like black tea on a winter evening, staring back at him from a place that shouldn’t have been there.

_It can’t be._

He couldn’t think about anything, high washing over him and ripping every single string from his fingers along with his own awareness, with time that he had pushed forward by accident.

_It… it can’t be. It’s impossible._

Suddenly, there was a spark in his sight. Everything turned white, an underground tunnel, moist air and burning lungs, a hand touching his and feeling so real, then a thick darkness covered him along with the shards that rained down and cut his skin and those burning lips pressed against his as a finish. He didn’t know what belonged in which dimension, where he was and how he got there, he only knew that the blue eyes that looked at him when Hyungwon leaned back still harbored a chestnut-brown warmth that wasn’t visible now and that shouldn’t have been there. That couldn’t have been there.

_You didn’t imagine it. You know it too well._

“Holy...fuck…” he muttered and chewed on his lips, collecting more of Hyungwon’s scent and unsure why his back was suddenly pressed against a bed even though he didn’t own one and there wasn’t one in the empty apartment Hyungwon had pushed him into.

"Yeah, right?" the low voice replied with a chuckle, but he could still hear the breathlessness and something that resembled awe. "What… was that just now? I've never seen the world look like that before."

_The parallel dimension. He shouldn't know what it looks like._

"That- that was the place, the dimension where souls become air and bodies return to earth. I don't know if it was me, or you, but we somehow… ended up there." He licked his lips, feeling how they throbbed all of a sudden and shifted on the soft mattress. Why was he on a mattress? He has never been on a mattress before, or has he? The scent didn’t seem familiar either.

"But… did it feel different for you? Being in that dimension, I mean."

"Not… really," Hyungwon murmured but slipped closer towards him, warm body wrapping around him and intertwining their legs. A blanket was pulled on top of them and despite the explosion of power, the demon seemed more composed than he was. "I'm not sure I can describe it. It seemed blurry, as if everything was covered with a thick fog but still had a shimmer to it. "

"Mhm. I can see through the fog and usually only go there when I feel like there's an issue with a soul."

_Maybe you felt it, that's why you ended up there._

He swallowed and looked to the side, accompanied by the furious beating of his heart that didn't need to react this way, but still did. "You definitely have enough power to end me, you know that, right?"

The other man only chuckled and shook his head, nose brushing over his cheek. "We're immortal, Hoseok. You should know that, no matter how strong you think I am."

_Sounds so easy. Too easy._

"Is that one of those thoughts that comes and seems to explain everything, gives you that feeling of calmness? Because I don't think it's true. There has to be an end. Even for me. Or for you." He sunk his fingers into Hyungwon's soft hair, raking through it tenderly and smiling at the reaction that really reminded him of a cat. He enjoyed every single touch of those fingers, the warmth of Hyungwon’s legs intertwining with his, the intoxicating scent, he enjoyed it all, even though he should have been thinking about what it meant. What all of this meant.

"Have you ever heard about an angel that disappeared? I haven't heard of a demon that did. Maybe you should ask that angel mate of yours." The demon sighed and attached his lips to his neck, nibbling along it while roaming his hands over his chest. "If there's a way to leave, don't you think there should be somebody who did?"

_Someone might have, but you wouldn’t know because they would never tell._

"Angels don't answer questions," he chuckled, recalling every single time he had tried to get some information, some knowledge, some closure, but it never worked. Angels expected him to know all the things he was constantly doubting and questioning. He was supposed to know, just that he never did. "Do… demons harbor souls? Like humans?"

_That would explain why he's feeling so much and you can't come close to it, enjoy it, do it the same way he does, continuously looking for pleasure and jumping from one opportunity to the next without thinking about eternity._

"What?" Hyungwon's eyes widened before he laughed out loud, as if his question was the most ridiculous thing he had ever heard.

"Sure, we are also incredibly feisty and make sure to fry an angel a day for our nourishment. Those pec muscles are the tastiest, let me tell you." Every single word was drenched in sarcasm as Hyungwon played with a strand of his hair and seemed terribly amused. "Of course not. Only humans have a soul and then they die and don't."

_He doesn't know about it. He has no idea about what’s inside him, Hoseok._

"Well fuck," he muttered and closed his eyes, trying to think what was the right thing to do, but as always, only a proper angel would know. One with beautiful grey wings, a lack of facial expressions and the monotone voice, repeating that it was the way it was supposed to be, even if something hurt, even if there was nothing that seemed the way it should. A proper angel might have known, but he didn't. Inhaling sharply to cover up the chaos inside his mind, he grinned. "I guess your knowledge is rather limited for someone who is supposed to be knowledge."

"Huh?" Hyungwon shifted on top of him until the round face was right above his, staring at him. "You're trying to tell me that demons have souls? We don't. I've seen it."

_He couldn’t have seen anything. Liar._

"You've seen it? What have you seen?" He raised an eyebrow and tried to clear his thoughts from the post orgasmic blur, the continuous doubts about everything and Hyungwon's intense scent that continued filling his lungs. The situation felt unreal to him. Being in a bed with a demon after being close in a way he never had before and after realizing that the being that stared at him with those bright eyes owned a soul. A soul warm like a thick blanket and shining soft and bright like the moon.

"That there is nothing. Demons are always on earth and the whole point of us is that we don't have a soul, don't die, don't have anything to lose and therefore can spread knowledge the way we should. And you-" The demon lifted his index finger and poked the tip of his nose with it. "You guys on the other hand try to manipulate humans into living shit lives just so their souls peel off nicely, even though living to the fullest already does that. If you've lived an amazing life, there is no reason to stay."

_It sounds reasonable, but he doesn’t know for sure, does he?_

"How can you see that there's nothing, if one can only see it in the dimension we've been to just now? There's no other way to see," he muttered, looking into those gorgeous eyes and remembering the chestnut brown that looked back at him from the depths. The shocking part might have been the fact that there was a soul inside the demon's body, but to him, the way his insides pulled together was the most shocking. He shouldn't have felt anything at all because nothing had been happening in the fog, no soul fighting in desperation, but still, he felt devastated. He still remembered the need to wrap his arms around Hyungwon and stay like this forever, looking into those shining chestnut-brown eyes.

"Well," Hyungwon began before easily standing up and grabbing his hand to also pull him to his feet. White wings moved on their own and stroked over his body in what felt like an embrace. It seemed like the demon did it without realizing. "Show me then. The time is ours."

He felt it immediately, the seconds slowing down until they finally froze and so did the rest of the human world.

_He wants to see?_

This time he knew. He knew that he wasn't supposed to take anybody to the parallel dimension, not like this and not if there was no need to go, but those wings against his skin and the strange longing to see if he’d made a mistake, had seen something that wasn't there, made him push away the layer so roughly that they materialized in the middle of thick fog, only able to look at each other and seeing nothing else.

_You were right._

The warmth of those eyes filled him out and pulled painfully, reacting to how they observed him without knowing that there was a soul hidden inside them, a soul with chestnut brown eyes, warm like sitting in a thick blanket and holding a cup of hot chocolate in your palms.

His chest constricted and he lifted both hands, stroking over Hyungwon's smooth cheeks before the longing felt unbearable and he leaned in for a soft kiss, a kiss that made him feel too much. More than he could handle.

_There's a shadow._

He had to stop, turning to the left and catching the shadow with his gaze, firm enough for it to be unable to escape just yet.

"Here," he whispered and pointed at the body that froze, gesturing towards the eyes that were shining from within with the typical warm light. "That's what a soul looks like. A bit warm and shining. And now it has to leave."

_It's your job to make it leave._

Accumulating the power within his chest he exhaled roughly, leading it in a thick stream towards the immobile body until the light left it, attempting to get back inside a few times desperately, before transcending into the thick fog and giving it some of its glow for a few seconds.

"How… do you know when it has to leave?" Hyungwon asked softly, standing amidst the fog with his hands curled into fists. The soft chestnut eyes didn't look away from him, not even for a second. Something about the sight felt different and it wasn't only the posture that seemed unusual for the demon.

"Because they're here. Humans can't be here if it's not time to separate. As soon as a shadow arrives, there is no way it can go back," he replied, unable to look anywhere else and feeling his insides pull together once again, as if seeing those eyes could inflict real physical pain. "You're so beautiful. Over here too."

"I look different?" the demon asked and reached out to stroke over his hair and exhale against his lips. "This place… makes me feel like there is only you and me and nobody else. It makes me want to stay."

"Mhm. You... have this special kind of warmth. One that hurts. But this place… It's empty. It consists of nothing at all, so one can see the things one usually can't see. That's why the souls shine so brightly and warmly." He wrapped his arms around Hyungwon's waist, pulling him flush against his chest and kissed his lips once again.

It felt different. Different from the overwhelming power that threatened to bury them. It wasn't the breathtaking pleasure they felt. It appeared different because of how it felt inside his chest, not because of the energy that coursed through him. "I can't take my eyes off you," he breathed out.

Hyungwon didn't reply at first, arms carefully wrapping around his neck and pulling him closer, initiating another kiss. He couldn't read the expression on the handsome face, not when their lips were meeting, but still those eyes didn't let him go.

"You shine the brightest to me, Hoseok."

_You can't. You have no soul. But he does._

"I don't like this place, but I still want to stretch time. I can feel so much when you're close to me like this, Hyungwon. You're… you're really special." His voice was barely audible and when another shadow rushed past, his hands tightened around the warm waist, but he didn't lean back. He didn't use his power for anything other than to feel the heat of Hyungwon's lips and fuel the pulling pain that he seemed to be longing for.

He struggled to explain it, but somehow it seemed like the man in his arms felt the same way. The grip around his neck tightened and each shift only served the purpose of feeling more of him, breathing the same air. Fingers intertwined with his hair and applied pressure to intensify the kiss, the points of contact and finally to deepen the touches.

His mouth parted and he melted under those hands, just like the body melted into his fingertips, slowly, tenderly getting closer, as if they were supposed to be one, as if they needed to breathe each other to continue living.

_But you don't want to, why…_

"I want to kiss you for infinity," he whispered, eyes still closed and nose rubbing over Hyungwon's cheek, his jaw and neck. "Actually, I want to escape infinity, but it feels like I don’t mind it if it has you."

***

His fingers raked through the thick bristles of a black carpet, right where only moments ago there had been viscous grey fog, right after they had slipped through bright blonde hair in the same way. The trace of strands remained no matter how many seconds had passed, as if they were still there in his palm, brushing over it. It wasn't hair anymore that his fingertips drew patterns into, but it didn't matter what it was. Because the resulting darker stripes didn’t make sense either, no matter how he connected them.

_Just like your thoughts._

The lines should have helped him draw a picture, to connect thoughts and find the truth as quickly and easily as inhaling a gulp of air. He was a demon after all, personified knowledge, a being that only existed to speak the truth and spread it. A question always had an answer and if it didn't, then there was no need to ask it.

_Then why do you not understand? Why isn’t it the way you were taught?_

A quick heartbeat hammered in his chest and pulsated all the way up to his ears, making him feel dizzy despite sitting on the floor with his legs angled to the side and knees rubbing over the black bristles in the same way his fingers did, without making sense. The power was still there, along the buzzing in his limbs and the white wings that he felt complete with but still detested to the core.

_He’s pushing you further and further away from humanity._

The angel was pulling out the things within him that he did not wish to deal with and also had no time to deal with, not even with the strings of time wrapped around his wrists. He should have been a proper demon and not bothered with an angel, neither with getting close nor correcting misconceptions. Hoseok had been obviously denying himself and rejected his own needs, but a demon was meant to watch humans and nobody else.

_Then why are you watching him instead?_

His mind had no explanation for his attention and the way his eyes remained on the other man, the moments they had shared and new moments he found himself yearning for.

Even if he couldn’t be a decent demon, he should at least have been himself.

_You should have left, but why are you still here?_

He lifted his gaze and observed the blonde man lying on the floor only a few meters away from him, examining the ceiling and inhaling softly despite his scent. Both of them were fighting their own demons it seemed and had he really been one, he might have stopped caring and left without a second thought. He had experienced the power, gotten what he needed and yearned for all this time and even though the feeling wasn’t comparable it could have been enough. It should have been enough.

_But it will never be enough._

The thought was terrifying because it didn't correspond to what he knew. There was no such thing as 'never being enough'. Every desire was eventually satisfied and if it wasn't, then it was a desire with many facets, lust that constantly needed a new body to make him feel. But this desire was specific, focused on a single being, an angel that he couldn't predict the actions of. How else was he supposed to satisfy his need to feel if it wasn't physical, if it wasn't desire?

_A demon wouldn’t have needed the feeling. They do not feel._

His wings shifted and he used the left one to brush over the angel’s leg, watching the tip where his wing bones met stroke over a thigh. The contact was pleasant and it seemed like he couldn't get enough, no matter how close they had been seconds ago. He couldn't get enough, but there must be a limit. There simply had to be because every desire for a single person could be satisfied somehow. He just didn't know how yet.

The brief touch of his wing wasn't quite enough to gain the other man's attention, to see if he responded or if he was at a place he couldn’t access, a kingdom of light and fog. A place he hadn’t even known existed because nobody spoke of it, nobody shared the knowledge.

_As if demons do not have it._

His fingers raked through the carpet bristles one more time and he sucked his bottom lip into his mouth, sucking on it just enough to resist the sudden urge to cover the curved mouth that was only a few steps away from his with his own. The thought was unexpected, accompanied by a heaviness in the pit of his stomach, a sense of dread and worry mixed with the feeling that something terrible might happen if he didn’t. He understood it as little as his own thoughts and feelings. A sudden fear had spread within him, the fear of leaving and abandoning an angel that had carelessly thrown himself off a building.

_An angel that fears infinity._

Hoseok shifted and turned towards him, lying on the carpet with his head resting on his right arm and body on display. The angel looked gorgeous, gorgeous enough for him to be playful and tease, but his mind had other plans. His eyes met the angel’s gaze and only a second was enough for images to materialize in his mind, images he had never seen before.

Blonde hair, almost black eyes but so warm. So warm that the steamy exhales leaving his lips stopped reminding him of the cold, of the scarce and damaged clothes on his body, of the blue color of his fingers as they reached out and held onto a pair of hot ones, so hot that an exhale of relief passed his lips.

_It must be the fog; the grey fog has gotten to your head._

“What do souls leave behind when they disappear?” he murmured quietly, still holding the angel’s gaze as he wondered about the fog. What did it consist of? Was it filled with memories of souls, memories that stayed behind and filled out the air while the human dimension knew nothing of the remnants?

_Is that what you are feeling? Why you still haven’t left?_

How could he leave after being told that he was the only one making infinity bearable?

_Since when do you care? Since he doesn’t forget? Is that it?_

"Nothing," Hoseok replied and refocused his gaze, looking right into his eyes. "They dissipate into the fog and become air for others to breathe. Is it fascinating to you? I mean, is it fascinating enough to still sit on my carpet instead of being in some human's arms? I'm… surprised." The dark gaze stayed with him and Hoseok leaned on his arm, spreading his black feathers and playing with the sight in front of his eyes. Those wings covered the gorgeous body and handsome face before slowly uncovering it playfully.

_Is he trying to provoke you again? But with what goal, to make you leave or to have you stay?_

“You think it’s funny that I am staring or you actually like playing hide and seek with yourself?” he muttered, attempting to return some of the superiority he felt, something that knowledge had always provided him with. But now it seemed like he was the one who didn’t know. He couldn’t pull his eyes away from those black ones, from the wings, the blonde hair. Something kept tugging at his chest to keep looking, to hold onto it as if it wasn’t going to be there as soon as he glanced away.

_As soon as he decides that he is sick of infinity. The infinity that isn't his to have._

"I enjoy your gaze, so my wings play along." Hoseok smiled breathtakingly, beautifully and the rays of morning sun moving over those blood-red lips made it even harder to focus on anything but the gorgeous face. "Why are you still here? It's morning and you're not touching me, you look instead. It's strange. Maybe… I should give it a push again."

_A push?_

“W-what?” he stuttered, not expecting the lips he had been staring at to speak. The words that left them he had expected even less and a rush of panic moved through his blood stream, widening his eyes and forcing the power that had been safely hidden within his chest to burst out as it wrapped around time and held it under lock and key. His breaths got ragged from the effort and he leaned forward on his hands and knees, barely having enough thoughts to act as his wings already wrapped around the angel next to him, holding on. “Don’t you fucking dare.”

_Why are you so scared? It's unlike you._

"I was wondering if that's the worst situation to you. The loss of time. Wasn't that the reason you came to me in the first place? Asking me to give it back to you?" The burning skin was only bearable because the power within his chest protected him, but on the other hand, it felt intense and exhilarating to touch. "Don't you have infinity? Why does it matter if some minutes, hours, or days are gone? Or is it… an impulse from the inside? Whatever it is, you must want to go back. So, I could help you by making you arrive in a situation you… desire."

_He doesn’t understand that only a certain feeling makes it bearable._

“This,” he hissed and crawled close enough to loosen the grip of his wings and climb on top of the angel’s lap, holding on and making sure that if there was a skip in time he was coming along without having to suffer the pointless memories of meaningless encounters without feelings. “This is the situation I desire, so don’t you dare skip ahead.”

"And when…" Hoseok lay on his back, wings spread out on the carpet and arms shifting to the height of his shoulders as he pierced him with his dark gaze. "... will you stop desiring it?"

_When?_

He should have said the truth, whatever that was. There should have been an answer somewhere within him that harbored the truth and could be recited the way demons always did, a lecture just for the angel in front of him to learn when a demon lost interest and returned to the status quo.

_But you don’t know. You don’t know, because you have never desired anything like this._

Was it even desire? In one moment, he felt the familiar burning that he liked to play with and extend, the anticipation that he slowed down to make the most out of a second, to stretch it for as long as possible. But then in the next there was a sudden tugging in his chest, a fear and a need to hold on instead of play, a need to make a second his in the first place instead of stretching it. It seemed like already having it was enough.

_But why? What did he do by taking you into the fog?_

“Who knows,” he replied and leaned in, inhaling deeply and allowing his eyes to close for a few seconds, to give himself a break from the constant images in his head that didn’t quite seem to be his. “What happens when I do?”

"I guess nothing much. I want to fast forward time quickly enough so I won't notice, so I won't have to see it. I want to be the fog in the parallel dimension when it happens." Hoseok sighed, fingers playing with the carpet in the same way his own did a few seconds ago before the angel closed his eyes too. "I want to end just like your desire will end. I was here and you wanted me, and then you stopped and I disappeared. Bam."

_Shit._

The way he reacted to the words was too extreme, too emotional considering that he had heard humans say similar things one too many times. He knew the thought patterns, the hopelessness and also the change of view he usually brought about by becoming the person those humans needed the most at that moment. He could have tried to do the same, to become the person Hoseok needed to change his mind, but-

_But this is different. He won’t forget and you aren’t ambivalent._

“And what if I don’t?” he whispered and tried to swallow down the dread that returned, the same fear of closing his eyes or missing a single second because he couldn’t tell what the angel below him would do, what could happen to the breathtaking brightness he had seen staring back at him in the fog.

_Why does it matter to you?_

"Do all demons lie as much as you do?" The low chuckle didn't correspond to his emotional state at all and made goosebumps appear on his skin.

“How can a question be a lie?” He didn’t like the taste on his tongue and swallowed, eyes roaming past those black orbs towards the both physically and emotionally empty apartment that lacked a bed. It seemed deserted, like the person within it existed without really living. Only now it became apparent how different the angel talking to him right this instant was from the shell he had spoken to the very first time. “You said it yourself, I should have been gone by now, but here I am. I guess you won’t get rid of me that easily, better buy a bed.”

"I thought I would only stay for a short time, like other angels did, so I never bothered. And then it seemed stupid to buy a bed if you don't sleep." The low voice was talking calmly but he felt the energy accumulating in the angel's middle, little by little, growing into a fireball he knew would explode in some kind of action. An action he had no possibility of predicting. "Last time you said you have nowhere to go. You don't have a place you usually stay at? Apart from the nights you spend with humans I mean. I might have some nice properties that would fit you, if you're interested."

_What is it that he wants? He must have realized how you live and he said he is jealous of the humans you are with - so why is he trying to sell you real estate right now?_

“I see you changed your mind after yelling at me that you won’t sell me anything. It also seems like you have completely missed the point of a bed.” He sighed and used his right hand to stroke over the warm, naked chest before reaching a pale wrist and wrapping his fingers around it. He felt like he needed to be close enough, so close that he had at least a moment of warning, even if it lasted less than a second. The power within him stirred as if in preparation and he didn’t even need to focus for some of the warmth that left the angel below him to disappear below his own skin. “I don’t sleep either, but there is a good reason for it being my favorite place. Buy one if you want me to stay, angel.”

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that when we kissed. For you, time seems eternal, filled with desire in a way that's enjoyable and I just want it to run without me. I want it to disappear along with myself, so don't try to make sense of my carpet and don't look at me with that gaze, it hurts so much inside here when you do." Hoseok took his hand and pressed it against the middle of his chest, holding his breath and body heating up. "You know… it's a secret, but usually I can't really tell what's right or wrong, not like other angels. But right now, I know, holding you here, next to me, is wrong in every way possible, so leave to the place that fills your seconds with desire."

_Shit, he really means it._

His eyes widened because that wasn’t the answer he expected. There should have been complaints as before, some attempts to push him away and to claim that the angel didn't want him there, but not those carefully spoken words. Hoseok sounded like he was choosing in his interest, deciding to let him go because being next to an angel wasn't what he wanted.

_It's the only thing you want. You cannot make yourself want anything else. You can't even make yourself let go of his wrist._

"This is it," he gasped and couldn't explain the wave of desperation washing over him, the strength with which he fought to hold on. He felt afraid, humanly afraid but without a rational reason for the feeling.

_As if it isn't your own._

"Let go of me, Hyungwon," the low voice whispered and the words echoed off the walls, his mind, his skin and deep within his chest as reality seemed to disintegrate around them before it rushed past his eyelids like a fast forwarded movie, sunrise, sunset, an influx of nightly lights changing quickly behind the glass, then again, sunrise, sunset in an endless cycle he lost count of. The rush was too powerful to be broken and only those black, round eyes that stared at him from below, unchanged and full of emotion, helped to keep his sanity throughout.

_You mustn’t let go, you mustn’t let go, you mustn’t let go._

He could feel time pass, the way it weighted heavily on his body and tugged at him to move, to let go of the source and feel every second to the fullest the way he should have. It started as a bodily yearning towards free reign and developed into a pain in his limbs and pressure within his mind, making it difficult to breathe as the days passed one after the other.

The power deep within shifted, spreading out through his rib cage, fighting the golden cracks that developed along his fingers. They were the sign that time was shifting beyond its physical capacity. He saw the same cracks along Hoseok's forearms, but the angel didn't react, skipping day after day while he could barely breathe.

_You have to stop him. The pain won't stop him._

His hands were trembling as he tried to reach out, move past the rush of time around them without losing focus and becoming lost in the decisions of the future that became the past. Warmth spread out towards his fingertips and he opened his eyes to see them, to glance past the air around them and find the thin strings of time that were moving so quickly that grabbing them seemed nearly impossible. His eyes didn't glance away even once, golden cracks travelling up his wrists towards his shoulders as each inhale became painful and his wings attempted to wrap around them in protection. He only needed a break, a moment of distraction, anything.

His fingers trembled, only a few centimeters away from the angel's jaw, from a touch that might have been the only way to break the cycle and save them both.

A single moment was enough, a brief graze of his fingers against a burning cheek and black eyes focused on him in shock, realizing that he was still there, that time washed past but his body remained in place. That single moment was everything he needed to wrap his fingers around the strings of time and pull. He pulled with so much force that the inhale he had taken in was pushed right back out, forcing him to cough and tremble from the pain against his skin.

The loud buzzing of time’s noises mingling together stopped and so did the never-ending change from night to day and back. Silence covered them like a thick layer of fabric, leaving no sound but their heavy breaths.

_You did it. You stopped it._

The relief was so strong that he gave up on holding himself up, collapsing on the floor and breathing like those were the last inhales and exhales he could allow himself. The angel was still there, skin covered in golden streaks the way his own was but breathing with the firm chest rising and falling gradually instead of as quickly as his own. The hard floor was uncomfortable and his relief was so overwhelming that he almost laughed.

"I-" he began and had to suck in another gulp of air. "I told you to buy a bed."

"You're insane. You're fucking insane," the angel breathed out and crawled towards him, pulling him from the floor and on top of his warm body, lips quivering briefly before pulling into a line. "Why would you do that? Why are you… still here?"

"Because I don't want to leave for fuck's sake," he hissed and struggled to have enough air in his lungs to pronounce the words. The marks on his hands burned stronger now that his power wasn't at the tips of his fingers anymore. "I don't want to leave, so don't fucking make me."

"You… don't want to leave?" Hoseok turned to him, eyes widening and iris dilating before returning to its usual round shape and mouth parting. "But…" The angel appeared dizzy and confused, but hot fingers reached for his cuts, stroked over them and let energy wrap around them before running over his shoulders towards his face. "... what if I hurt you again?" the low voice whispered. It sounded strained and he felt the burning hands wrapping tighter around his wrists, as if there was too much tension in the muscular body.

_Again?_

The angel made it sound like it wasn’t the first time, but pain had definitely not been one of the main things that he suffered from after getting to know an angel.

_But why does it still feel true?_

There seemed to be more to it and even though he could feel that there was, he couldn't identify the source of that knowledge. As if it once again wasn’t his, but something that whispered in his ear and let him know that he needed to act, to stay and to make sure that warm body stayed attached to his own.

"Listen, the only thing that hurts is my back and my knees because you don't have a bed, but that should be solvable." His mind still felt lost in the past, the seconds that rushed by without a single thought or emotion. He didn't know what day it was, what time, which human construct applied to the strings of time. They felt so thin that he didn't dare touch, worried about cuts that were much deeper than the ones travelling up his arms.

_But those eyes. Did you do it for those eyes?_

He lifted his gaze to meet the black orbs, the sight he knew but that his mind tried to tell him wasn't the whole truth. The angel had looked different within the fog because he belonged.

_He's closer to humanity than you could ever be. You can't let him die._

"Just buy a fucking bed, Hoseok. I'm staying."

"No," the angel breathed out. "You're not. You're going back to the rush of adrenaline, the satisfaction of your desires and the empty eyes, because that's what keeps you safe." The black iris dilated so fast that he barely realized, taken aback by the words and loosening his grip on the strings for only that moment, the split second that didn't even pass for a human, but that was enough to pull him into a whirl of light, dark, loud music, quiet ticking of the clock, a feeling of nausea, cold sheets, warm bodies, until his eyes ripped open, he sat up and inhaled enough air to last him for the next minutes and hours.

A small table lamp covered the room in an orange light, making it seem warm but also alien. It was a room he hadn't been to before, there was a warm body he didn't know, his naked skin felt sore in someone's embrace, his head hurt and his mouth felt dry, so dry that he tried to wet his lips but his tongue didn't listen to him.

_What happened?_

His eyes opened wide and he tried to reach out for time and get a hold of it, but his fingers weren’t able to find the strings, passing through them like through air.

_Your strength, it’s gone because you were fighting._

The exhaustion was absolute like the thick fog he still remembered from another dimension. His memories were present but fogged over too, blurry like a simple fact he knew without actually feeling anything. Only the nausea he had experienced remained with him as the only feeling that seemed believable, the only sensation that returned full force and helped him realize what happened.

_He skipped ahead, he waited just enough to push time and trick you._

The first half of his memories wasn’t filled with the crippling anxiety he felt now, dread that travelled up his throat and made it difficult to breathe. The human in his arms was stroking over his shoulders and speaking, but he didn’t even have the strength left to pretend or to react, to move just enough to be the person the human needed, to fulfil his task.

_He came along with you to the club, pretending to be around before disappearing and leaving you to the default of your body. He knew that he could trick you like this._

Sitting up in a rough motion, he forced the man on top of him to shift and hold onto the edge of the bed. Big eyes were focused on him in shock and he could see how lips moved, talking quickly but there was no strength left to make sense of it, to try to be a person. He couldn’t even remember who that person was in the first place, what the human needed and why he had been stupid enough in the rush of time to forget what he had to do. That he couldn’t let Hoseok be alone, not even for a second.

_He said he wants to become fog, fog like those souls once they leave their body._

“I can’t,” he forced out and the expression on the human face told him it wasn’t an answer to any of the things that had been spoken, but he couldn’t deal with this right now. Not when the person who decided to be here wasn’t him, but only a shell of him that succumbed to time. A shell that didn’t have the strength to hold on and stay next to an angel with a precious brightness within.

_An angel with a soul._

He slipped into his clothes as fast as he was able to, feeling time pass and for the first time realizing how helpless he was when he couldn’t stop it. His strength recovered quickly, but the rush of time had distorted the strings and his fingers still couldn’t grab a hold of them.

As soon as he was dressed, he reached for the exit and closed his eyes, feeling his body disintegrating and changing location. His strength was still able to grant him that.

“You piece of shit,” he hissed even before he opened his eyes, breathless from the anger and desperation he felt. He had expected a familiar scent in two layers, the attempt to hide the delicious scent that was inherently Hoseok and the authentic scent that forced his heart to skip a beat whenever he thought about it, but instead there was nothing but parquet cleaning liquid and freshly painted walls.

_How much time passed?_

He couldn’t tell, not after the first time jump which left golden scars on his arms and not now when he was standing in Hoseok’s apartment surrounded by nothing but white walls. Not even the minimalist furniture was left, no carpets, no couch, no kitchen. Just nothing.

“Fuck,” he yelled and pushed the wall on his right, feeling the vibration of the impact against his knuckles and the instant buzzing in his chest as his powers attempted to regenerate the broken skin, covering it up as if nothing had happened. As if he hadn’t just made one of the biggest fucking mistakes in his life.

_You let him distract you. You fucking let him distract you even though you could feel that he was about to act._

Suddenly, the air changed and he remembered experiencing the change once, just that he couldn't recollect the situation at first. Not until big grey wings appeared, followed by a tall body, silver grey hair and an expressionless face.

"Who are you?" the monotone voice asked right away, eyes focused on him and waiting for his reply.

He considered grabbing a hold of time at first, to make sure that he had enough of it to reply, but after knowing Hoseok, there wouldn’t have been much of an advantage for him, not enough to play his role.

_They are strong, so you have to play this well._

“I could ask you the same thing,” he replied and stepped closer, wondering if the angel assumed that he was a human similarly to the way Hoseok had done. “Nice wings.”

_He’s showing them so easily though, as if he doesn’t worry about being seen or recognized._

"You can see me, so you aren't a human," the angel stated and curled his fingers into fists. "Where is the one who was staying here before?"

_He doesn’t know?_

“Considering that you aren’t his mate anymore, it shouldn’t be any of your business,” he faked and lowered his sunglasses just enough to leave an impression. It always worked.

It seemed as if the angel wasn't very expressive, only moving his lips a tiny bit to speak, while everything else in the handsome face remained rigid. "It is impossible. Mates stay for infinity. You must not know much about the bonds in heaven. Now tell me where he is. I need to find him."

_Bonds in heaven, really? What are they, soulmates?_

He couldn’t help expressing his distaste with his lips, pulling the top one upwards as he played with the edge of his glasses, sliding his index finger along it.

“I know more than you do. Why do you think you were chosen as his mate?”

"I'm the strongest angel. So, naturally I was chosen as his mate for eternity. How can you know? Did you meet at the bottom of the ocean? He said it's a place where humans can't go and angels can't go either, but down there infinity feels right. Tell me where that place is, I need to find him." The angel looked strained and after a few seconds he realized that the broad chest didn't move. It seemed as if he couldn't breathe.

He observed for a few seconds longer, feeling for the air that seemed hotter and reminded him of the times when Hoseok had attempted to avoid his scent and burned from within. Was this angel unable to breathe and therefore couldn’t bear the heat?

_Wait- the bottom of the ocean?_

He managed to keep his eyes from widening just in time as he realized that whatever that angel was called, he had just given him more info than he could have hoped for. Hoseok must have looked for a place where he felt safe from the two beings that might have looked for him, humans and angels.

_He must have forgotten that you don’t give up that easily._

“Well, unfortunately you _were_ the strongest and now that’s me. Eternity is cancelled and you can stop looking for him. I’m the one taking care of this now.” He brushed through his hair and leaned against the wall to show that he was bored and had no intention of wasting his time any further.

_You have to go as soon as he fucks off. That fucker could be anywhere at this point._

"He is the strongest. But you're not an angel, and I'm chosen, so you can never be his mate. I need to find him. Time made a jump so extreme that the balance shifted and there are more souls than the fog can take. He needs to go there. No one else can. Tell me where he is." The angel stepped closer, focusing his boring grey eyes on him like a dog.

“You said it yourself, a place where angels can’t go.” He grinned and blew just enough to remove a strand of hair from the angel’s face, but there wasn’t even a flinch or eyes that blinked in surprise. Only that same emotionless gaze that stared at him expecting an answer.

_Hoseok was right about them, they are empty. But how can he be so much like a human then? Why aren’t they?_

"Where is that place? Tell me how to get there. I can't stay any longer." The air was burning around the angel, particles raining down like ashes as his skin became more and more transparent.

_He disintegrates if he stays for too long?_

“You can’t,” he replied and grabbed a hold of the strings, pulling just enough to feel time slow down and the ash drop only gradually. He observed the angel’s body, his eyes, how he reacted to the change and whether he was going to fight it the way Hoseok had.

_He said he is the strongest after Hoseok, so how strong is that?_

Surprisingly, there was nothing that the angel did apart from being dragged by the flow and slowing down his motions, gaze becoming unaware and stuck in time. He couldn’t quite believe it and stepped closer, waiting for a change, for those eyes to follow him, but nothing happened.

Only when he resumed the natural flow of time, he got a reply to his remark.

"You can't be of use," the monotone voice spoke and those grey wings became invisible first before the body disappeared and the remnants rained to the floor as grey ash.

_Nasty._

As soon as there was nothing but a heap of ash and an empty room around him, he threw off his shades and focused on the flow of time, on the way it moved around him and whether there was anything tugging at it from far away, changing it. But there wasn’t. Hoseok wasn’t speeding up time, no matter where he was, so the strings weren’t of use to find him.

_You don’t know what he might do. He doesn’t fade away the way this angel did, but you know that he has a soul._

_That means he can get hurt. Fuck._

The sea wasn’t far, but it was big enough to make it basically impossible to find anybody, especially at the bottom of it. The only option he had was to search for power, to keep playing with the flow until he recognized a force fighting it.

_You need the power within you, no matter how much you despise it._

He closed his eyes and allowed the energy within his core to spread, to travel all the way to his fingertips. He needed the strength to move that far, to move somewhere he didn't remember and hadn't been to before. The ground below him changed and he sank in a little with his left foot, smiling because the smell of salt and seaweed filled his nose. The air was cold, but only a human would have thought that way. To him it seemed perfect for the light shirt he was wearing, refreshing and simultaneously surreal because he had never bothered to go to the sea, not even with a human. It seemed like the cold air was how it had to be, how he had to feel.

_Why is it so familiar?_

It must have been his mind playing tricks on him, pulling out memories of humans telling him about the sea, about their desire to go and about how free it made them feel.

_There is no such thing as freedom, it's just in their heads._

He sighed and forced himself to look away from the water and the waves, the strange longing he felt. It seemed like he only needed to let the water dance around his feet and he would feel at ease.

_You can't, you have to find him._

Inhaling sharply, he focused on his surroundings, on the humans that he could feel and the flow of time. There was no force he could detect, none apart from his own and the remnants of him teleporting and cutting through space.

_It's not here. He must be farther away._

Again, the power within his chest slipped into his fingertips and he tore his body away from the spot on the sand and felt the rush of motion, of moving further than he had before. His breaths were a little ragged when he finally materialized and almost fell on his knees on the dark sand. There were no people by the water, it being too cold to visit the seashore in winter. Only a lonely sandcastle remained standing further down the beach.

_Is that what he created for himself below the water surface? A castle to be alone?_

Again, he looked for a sign, for a change in the flow, the water, the time. He held his breath to make sure he didn't miss it, but there was nothing. Hoseok must have tried his best to escape, as far as he could possibly get.

_The ocean. You have to go to the ocean._

He held his breath and collected his strength, preparing for one more haul through space and time. The wind was strong but still didn't feel cold to him and he wondered if the angel would have enjoyed it too, used it to cool his burning skin. One last push and his surroundings changed one more time. The quick motion forced him to his knees and he breathed roughly for a few times until he finally caught himself.

The sand below him felt familiar, but he couldn't tell why and where he had experienced it before. It seemed vivid, maybe even more vivid than his usual memories were.

_Taking a stick and writing in the sand, a name, repeatedly. A name until it became a sentence, a wish, over and over again._

The sand grains were sticking to his legs and he let his gaze wander over the wet sand to the waves that covered it, leaving a bit of white foam. There was nothing strange about the ocean, or the sand, but something was happening to him. Maybe it was the memories that weren't his, or maybe the cold did crawl up to his chest, but suddenly, his breath hitched and he exhaled roughly, pushed by invisible threads, the threads that he hadn't been holding onto. The threads of time that flew past him, accompanying the sun that rushed to disappear into the ocean.

_It's him, it must be him._

He ripped his eyes from the fast waves and the sunset, searching for a clue, some sign that the person who could do that, could push time like that, was close. His heart was beating so fast that it was almost deafening, distracting him and almost making him miss the lonely silhouette that was sitting on the sand close to the water with his arms around his knees looking at the sun that was about to disappear below the horizon.

His feet started running even before he realized what it meant, what seeing the bright blonde hair and familiar broad silhouette meant.

_He's fine, he's fine and nothing happened to him._

The thought repeated inside his mind as he ran, back burning because of the force that fought to be released. His wings pushed against his human form and he could barely contain them as he reduced the space between him and the angel sitting calmly on the sand. As if nothing had happened, as if he hadn't tricked him and disappeared.

_As if you haven't feared for his life all this time, scared that he was going to abandon his soul._

"You-" he gasped out once he arrived, but there was no chance to finish as he slammed into the angel's body from the side and both of them rolled over the sand, grains sticking to their hair and faces.

Those black eyes focused on him, iris dilating the way he knew it and face showing so many expressions at once. Among them, there was devastation, as if the angel regretted being found and a longing so strong that it transformed the expression on the handsome face, making it look vulnerable. So, unlike the other angel he had seen.

_He's different._

"How…" Hoseok breathed out, fingers digging into his shoulders as he found himself tackled into the sand by the heavy body. "I think I'm going insane."

"Definitely," he breathed out, unable to help the smile on his face because he felt so relieved, so fucking relieved even though he didn't have a clear picture of what he was so afraid of. "You're insane for thinking you can get rid of me."

His smile got only wider and he wrapped his arms around the hot neck, enjoying the mingling scent of ocean, sand and the man above him. Excitement bubbled within him and words that felt familiar but weren't his.

"I always loved it when you did that," he whispered as the image of those black eyes above him changed into softer features, wet hair and hesitation, so much hesitation that he wanted to reach out and wipe it away with his lips.

_It's a memory, but it cannot be yours. It cannot be._

Hoseok looked at him and those eyes were black, black without a pupil. The being that hovered over him was without a doubt an angel, an angel so strong he could mess with him, an angel who wasn't like the others. An angel with a soul. And as if confirming his thoughts, the curved lips parted in a gorgeous smile and hot fingers reached out to play with his sand-covered hair. "Mhm. I don't want to get rid of you, that's why I said it has to be the bottom of the ocean. A place where no one can find us."

He took in the brightness of the smile, the burning in his chest that the words evoked and the inexplicable need to stay where he was, to remain right there on top of the sand for as long as he could. His fingers reached out for the strings of time that hid below the previous rush and pulled them just enough to feel the wind freeze and hear the waves slow down. He could feel time stop around them, but the weight on top of him remained the same. The two of them remained the same, lying on the sand. A gorgeous smile was directed towards him and his arms wrapped around a warm neck.

Time stood still and once again he couldn't help but feel relieved. Because when time stood still, nothing could happen.

When time stood still, nobody could harm them.

_Ever again._

***

What was this feeling about? The crippling cold that travelled up his arms and legs, connecting to a spider web inside his chest and making him want to run. Run away from the time, from himself, from those eyes that lingered in his memory that was infinite, just like his reality was.

_Fear._

'Fear is the mother of morality,' Nietzsche’s voice supplied, and as so often, he couldn't help but agree. Now that time had shifted irreversibly and he could see the future in threatening little excerpts that were accompanied by the devastating pulling inside his chest, he knew that he needed to run away. Run away so far where he couldn't make a mistake, so the future would change. Change for the better because there was no him, no connection between their bodies, their hands, their strings of power that intertwined so perfectly that he should’ve taken it as a warning. A warning not to get closer, even closer and even closer.

_So close that you could see his soul, the warmth that changed you and taught you fear._

He wanted to become invisible, turn into air that those lungs inhaled and travel through the gorgeous body as molecules of oxygen, not necessary for the demon to stay alive, but making him feel at ease, making him feel more human.

_He is so much more human than he thinks he is. So much more human than you could ever be, and still, you could be the one to hurt him. You, who doesn’t even want to exist in the first place._

Why could he remember everything when he wanted to forget? Why couldn’t he forget the moment when the lights blinked to the beat, when he let go of the cool wrist, when those eyes struggled to keep their focus, lost it, lost his gaze and looked somewhere else, at a human who was enough of a distraction for the moment. A moment that could be stretched, a feeling that could be felt, far away from him. He wanted to forget, but the pictures circled inside his mind, mixing with ones that must have been situations from the future, pushing him to run, run faster, so fast that there was no fear left to hide from.

He ran, along with time, taking it and pushing it with so much force that he ended up standing in an empty apartment, sitting in his car, driving and driving and driving without feeling the breeze and without thinking anything, like a half-existence. Like somebody who wasn’t alive.

_He is right. You aren’t living, but you aren’t alive either._

How much time passed… he couldn’t tell. Only that no matter how much he pushed the flow, it was still winter. Snowflakes still covered his sight when he sat on the wet sand in front of the waves and played with the sun until it was right above the horizon, ready to sink into the ocean.

Maybe, he was caught in an eternal winter as a punishment. Human months and maybe even years have passed, but it was still snowing, it was still cold and he observed the waves crashing at his feet, observed the sun, ready to disappear in another sunset and a seagull circling around the water, searching for something he couldn’t find.

He didn’t need to, but the difference in temperature between his burning skin and the freezing air forced him to be reasonable, so he inhaled. Lungs burning, but not because it hurt to breathe. It was the scent. That scent.

_How?_

He focused on the approaching sound that he hadn’t noticed among the rush of waves and the wind in his ears. There was a step, then another step coming closer, before his body was pushed to the sand and he rolled over it, collecting the wet grains like memories that burned, burned in a way they shouldn’t have.

_It can’t be._

When his senses returned, he found himself hovering over a body, he felt the cold arms wrapping around his neck, saw the smile, those bright eyes that still harbored the same warmth that he had seen, even without the fog around them. It hurt so much, but at the same time, he couldn’t move, he couldn’t think. All he could do was stare and hope that the moment would never end.

He wanted time to freeze, to understand why his chest burned like this when he heard the low voice, saw those lips spreading and telling him something he had heard before. Something that didn’t make sense but felt right.

“Mhm. I don't want to get rid of you, that's why I said it has to be the bottom of the ocean. A place where no one can find us," he whispered in reply and reached out to touch the black strands covered in sand grains that resembled dirty diamonds. His hands knew that it was a first, but his eyes told him that he had seen it before. The same face, the same pretty eyelids fluttering shut when his fingers touched the golden skin hesitantly, gently.

When he took in the soft features, the curve of the plump bottom lip, the round cheeks and big eyes that didn’t look anywhere else, time slowed down, the waves stuttered on their way to the shore and every single sound disappeared around them.

“Something is happening to us,” he whispered, leaning forward and resting his forehead against Hyungwon’s, to stop thinking, to understand, to not be pulled in by those eyes. By the soul that was hiding in the depths. “And I know I should run, but I can’t.”

"Don't leave," the black-haired man whispered and his lips mouthed them even when the sound faded away. There was something desperate to those blue eyes and he couldn't help seeing a warm chestnut brown instead. "Don't run and don't fade away. Don't become fog, just don't."

"And then? What then?" His voice was so loud in his ears, in absence of any other sound. It's not that he expected an answer, it's that the true answer was making him shake in fear. Leaning on his arm, he lifted his head and observed the bright blue that was so much friendlier than the grey of the ocean and the snowflakes that froze around them. "Do… my eyes look different when you look at me? Are they still black?"

"They are but…" Hyungwon paused and he felt fingers brush over his cheek, thumb and index finger travelling past his ear to cup his face. "It feels different. They- they feel human to me."

_Human?_

"Human?" He echoed the thought inside his head and licked a snowflake that remained close to his lips, smiling briefly. "I fear there isn't much human about me, but you on the other hand…" He leaned on the other arm and used his hand to play with Hyungwon's hair, wet and sand grains littering the strands. It felt so familiar. Why did it feel familiar? "Maybe that's why you are so successful at living among them, intertwining your life with them for a brief moment. Inside the bright blue, there is chestnut brown and they have the warmest glow I've ever seen, and I've seen so many during the past years."

"I don't understand," Hyungwon murmured and turned his head just enough to press a kiss to the curve of his thumb. "Your thoughts are mine. There is this brightness to you I will never be able to reach. Maybe that is why you can enter the fog, you-" He saw the demon swallow and a hint of fear passed over his features. Fear that kept him from explaining.

"It's not quite the truth, is it? You can enter the fog too, but nobody else can. Only you and me and your chestnut brown warmth hugging me from deep inside you and lighting up the grey nothingness around. It's just us. Isn't it strange?"

"I understand why it is you." Teeth settled on a plump bottom lip and he observed a few grains of sand that dried and sprinkled past the demon's jaw. "You said it yourself. There is only one being that can enter the fog."

"You wouldn't be able to come with me if it was one being. Gabriel, my mate, can't go. We tried, there is no way. You can go, because you shine. You shine and my mind is telling me to run from you as far as possible, because the future paints me as the reason you stop." The words hurt, passing over his tongue, through his teeth and mouth as he leaned forward and kissed Hyungwon's parted lips to have a different taste instead of the bitterness. "There is nobody who can answer my questions anymore. Who can tell me why I'm seeing the future, why things are happening to us, why you are here and it feels like we should be caught in this moment forever. Why your eyes shine so bright in the fog. Nobody can."

Hyungwon shook his head, slowly at first until it became faster. "Nobody can see the future, Hoseok. That is something I know for sure. No matter how much we play with time, we can never know the state the strings will be in before they are. It cannot be the future, only the past."

The demon spoke insistently, like he believed it while caressing the naked skin of his neck, his cheek, the shell of his ear, his temples and finally his cheekbones and lips.

"But how can there be a past… for someone like me? The memories are different. I know exactly when and how I experienced something, perceived it, but that's not it. They're confusing, emotional, they hurt and they blur my senses. How can there be memories that aren't mine? Memories that… consist of you." Wrapping his arm around Hyungwon's neck, he rolled to the side and on his back, feeling the light weight of the other man's body on top of himself. "I did it all, I pushed time and I pushed you into someone else's arms… but you're here."

"Never-" Hyungwon's voice broke and suddenly there were hands grabbing his collar roughly, pulling him close enough to breathe the same air. "Never do that again."

The grip loosened just enough for the demon to inhale sharply and wrap his arms around him instead, holding him tightly with a chin pressing into his shoulder. "It must be memories, even if they are not our own. It must be the fog, the fog and the power mingling and giving us human memories. It must be the bodies, our bodies that had those memories."

"Memories… leave with the soul, Hyungwon," he whispered, fingers raking through the wet hair and feeling like becoming one with the person in his arms. It made sense that Hyungwon had memories because he still had a soul that never left, but why did he? How could he have memories if he was empty? "You said that demons don't have souls but… you do."

He expected shock or for those blue eyes to widen, but there was only a chuckle as Hyungwon covered his lips with his palm, hiding the beautiful smile.

"It must be you," the demon murmured and caressed his cheek. "You must be the source of the memories, the soul, the fog. It must be you, but how? Is it your power? That angel said that you are the strongest."

"Does that sound logical to you? You can't enter the fog without a soul and before I even thought about it, before I could assess whether it was possible to take you along, I saw it. Your soul. There's nothing to mistake because it shines like a Christmas tree. You can chuckle as much as you like, but you have a soul, so… just… enjoy your life instead of being caught with me in eternal winter. Go and feel, Hyungwon." He sighed, remembering his decision to run as far away as possible because he knew that it was the best he could do. But somehow, being in those arms, perceiving every touch with an intensity he couldn't handle, meant he didn't feel capable of breaking the moment.

The grip around him got tighter, but Hyungwon leaned back to meet his gaze, lips pressed into a thin line as if the demon knew something he didn't. He knew the gesture from the way the other man spoke to humans, how he pointed them in the direction he wanted.

"A Christmas tree? I could say the same about yours, only the color scheme is darker, richer, like dark red velvet."

_Yours? Dark red velvet?_

"What are you talking about? I meant to say that your soul is so warm and bright, like sitting in hot water with you. When the steam makes everything seem unreal and your breath tickles my ear, making me feel so much hotter than the water ever could." He stopped, eyes widening and wondering where the words came from, where the memory came from. It felt so authentic, as if that was precisely what he had experienced, but there was no context. No pictures, just… flash-like sparks. "What I actually mean is… your soul… I've never seen a more beautiful one."

He saw it again, the change in the ice blue, the shift that made them seem warm and familiar. Hyungwon observed him and the sound of his voice seemed different too when he finally spoke, emphasis on the words softer than it had been just a moment ago. As if the words weren't his even though they were.

"I'm talking about your soul, the dark and rich color that it has. Like the dark red velvet of an armchair, warm against my skin or the dark green of curtains that I close so nobody can see us. An almost black blanket that I pull over my naked legs because you don't dare to look for too long." The demon blinked and fingers tightened in his skin, applying pressure. "It's different from what you can see, but I know that it is a soul, Hoseok."

_A soul? You have a soul?_

"But… Why didn't it leave when I was in the fog almost every single day? Why… ? It makes no sense. Why can't I disappear then, why doesn't it leave me?" He let go of the warm skin below him, feeling numbness crawl up his limbs right into his chest all of a sudden as he pushed through the frozen time, forcing his body to get up and walk towards the waves.

_Maybe it's here. Maybe your broken soul full of memories brought you here, to finally escape eternity because you can't handle it._

The bottom of the ocean. It must be the only place he could disappear to.

"Stop!" Hyungwon yelled behind him and it was so loud that the words echoed inside his mind. He heard steps in the sand, moving towards him until fingers dug into his arms and held on so tightly that it hurt. "Don't you dare. I won't let you."

Hyungwon's face was pressed into his back and the words were mumbled into his shirt, over and over again.

"It doesn't want to leave. It doesn't want to leave, so don't make it."

"How do you know? It's a mistake. It's caught inside me even though I don't want it and I don't want this. You… you are perfect, your soul makes so much sense because it makes you feel, it gives you the moments that you desire, but for me, it only gives me the confirmation that I shouldn't exist. Let go. I'm not the one you're looking for and maybe you're right. Maybe it's my power holding you close because I can't fucking help it and am doing it, forcing you to come to me, but it will disappear. It will be gone when I am, so just wait a little longer. Should I push time for you? Far enough to get distracted?" His hands were shaking and his chest felt like it was ripping apart and maybe, if he was stupid, he could imagine his soul escaping through the cracks, only leaving a shell of himself, but he knew it was impossible. It was impossible to make it leave because he was the only one who could and he couldn't push his own soul out.

Instead of holding onto him those hands suddenly let go, dropping helplessly as he heard the dull noise of weight falling on sand. Hyungwon's knees sank several centimeters and the demon's palms were flat on the sand, motionless just like his whole body.

The sight tugged at something within him, a memory that shouldn't have been there, the feeling that he had felt something similar before, something that hurt the same way it did now.

"Don't go," the other man's voice whispered, barely beating the wind as the same chestnut brown replaced the ice blue, warm but so desperate, wet as a single drop rolled down a round cheek. "Don't leave me alone again."

Power. Wasn't it interesting how he could accumulate enough to push the flow of time, skipping whole weeks, but a single breath, those words whispered by the low voice had enough to pull the plug, making his body sink into the water. It felt cold, so cold, but he let his lips shake and wrapped his icy fingers around Hyungwon's wrists, wiping the diamond like liquid with his fingers, watching as the snowflakes slowly melted into it like they belonged.

"I promised… I would love you for infinity," he breathed out, watching the blood red drops dissolve on his wet clothes as they dripped down his jaw. "I shouldn't have."

"Because you're still a coward," Hyungwon whispered and dug his fingers into his wrists in return. "You keep thinking there is a heaven to decide what is right or wrong, but there is nobody but us. Us and the strings of time."

"Doing what feels right and losing everything. What if I’ve done it before?" he mouthed, his hands roaming over Hyungwon's face, stroking over his cheeks and pulling him closer. "I can't do it again because this time, it's infinity for real. I want to go back into the fog. I want to know why I’ve been dreaming of it ever since I could think. Will you… come with me?"

Hyungwon's hand let go of his wrist, leaving halfmoon formed marks as it slipped down and intertwined with his own instead. The gesture felt familiar to him too, as if he had felt those fingers countless times in between his own. They were cool and so long that the fingertips reached almost completely around the back of his hand, covering it.

"The only place that nobody else can reach, the bottom of the ocean," the demon whispered and smiled, eyes still shimmering. "Take me there."


	7. A taste no prayer can cover and the warmth of leftover scones

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_London, January 1890_

____________________

“And don’t forget to check all the books of common prayer and to glue the pages back in. They need to be ready by Sunday.” Father’s low voice repeated all the things that he had heard multiple times during the past thirty minutes. The minutes passed especially slowly as the tall man walked back and forth, collecting his belongings into a black leather bag.

He disliked leather bags because they reminded him of his teachers back in Catholic school. Their black clothes, cold eyes and the worn brown leather bags that they put their notes, books and souls, a representation of power they used to shape him and the others into worthy children of god.

_Did they succeed?_

He wasn’t sure, he never was, but he knew that he could never stop trying. If he stopped, it would all be over. That he knew and reminded himself of when Father James met his gaze for those torturous eight seconds. It was exactly five too many for it to feel comfortable, but comfort probably wasn’t the purpose of the action. The purpose was to look right into him, see whether his thoughts were clean, whether he was worthy.

_Are you?_

“I will, father. Without fail,” he replied, trying to keep his voice steady and determined as the older man nodded and walked out of the room saying goodbye with the slam of the big wooden door.

_How many hours had just been handed to you as a gift? Twelve?_

In ten hours, he could finish all the books, clean up, sort the documents, pray and maybe still keep half an hour free to meet a friend.

_A friend? You only have one friend._

A smile spread his cheeks and he rubbed over them to get rid of the tingling because something told him he shouldn’t have felt that way. Ever.

_But it’s warm in the house, that’s why._

“Precisely,” he confirmed it with himself and ran to the study room, quickly spreading out the common books of prayer and getting to work.

The pages all looked the same and he remembered the sun setting a few hours ago, forcing him to turn on the table lamp. It was around midnight as he sat there, eyes burning and fingers sticky with glue when a ring of the bell shook his whole body and he contained the urge to run, carefully pushing the chair back on the carpet and walking towards the door. His steps got faster and, in the end, he only stopped in front of the handle, staring at it for a second, before closing his eyes and inhaling deeply. There it was again, the scent that made him feel as if it was safe to open the front door in the middle of the night.

“How can I help you?” he asked, lifting his gaze, a smile creeping up his features, even though he wanted to look neutral.

The dark brown trousers caught his attention first, ruffled up at the pockets from pushing big hands into them one too many times. The boy in front of him had his right thumb hidden behind his suspenders and his left hand touching his beret hat, a bright smile playing around his lips the way it always did.

"I came to court you like a real gentleman," his only friend whispered and grinned as he took off his hat and bowed forward in a rather amusing attempt to look formal. The slight dialect didn't help either, but he liked it that way. "Just how it should be. At midnight."

His eyes fell on a few flour marks on the boy's shirt that he had attempted to brush off, only creating more in the shape of fingers. He caught a glance at what looked like a bottle neck before his visitor lifted up again and pulled what looked like a dark bottle of liquor from behind his back.

"At midnight with a bottle of wine. I couldn't find a flower, so this will have to do."

"But… where did you get that? We would be crazy to drink right now," he muttered, opening the door wide and staring at the white flour stains, fingers itching to reach out and wipe them off. "Did you just finish work? You must be so tired."

Instead of removing the flour, he leaned against the wall, careful to not touch any of the paintings and observed as long fingers opened a pair of old leather shoes and how those naked toes stretched.

"I'll leave the shoes outside," his friend remarked and rubbed the back of his head apologetically as he placed both shoes right in front of the door. "I had to run across a barnyard, so it probably smells a little like cow shit, but I got the wine. It doesn't really matter how, it only matters that I used my charms and now they are yours."

"Your charms? I hope you won't tell me more details," he chuckled and tried to beat his nervousness by chewing on his lips. "Father's coming back tomorrow at ten, so… we have a tiny bit of time."

"Lots of time until my shift at four. We've never had four hours." The black-haired boy sounded excited as he shook the bottle in his hand and left his hat on one of the wooden chairs covered with red velvet. It looked a little lonely on top of it. "I'm not tired at all since you smiled at me."

"You really enjoy giving me chills, don't you? Let's say we… drink. How will you go to your shift? I might be able to clean up here, dancing around like a crazy person and asking God to forgive me, but you have to focus, don't you?" He walked to the chair and picked up the hat with both hands before hanging it on the hook next to the door. "We've never had four hours. You're right."

A low chuckle caused goosebumps to spread over his forearms and he fumbled with his clothes to distract from the sensation.

"God should be too busy with the real criminals to care about us drinking. I know wine better than the back of my hand, so it won't keep me from focusing." Those big hands he liked so much placed the bottle on the floor and stretched out towards him instead when the boy sat next to the bottle on the wooden floor. "Won't you come here? You're the reason I came."

"But… I am here," he muttered, feeling even more nervous and how obvious it was that his cheeks were burning and his heart was hammering in his chest loud enough for everybody to hear. "You… uh- must be cold. It's cold outside, right?" What sounded good inside his head, sounded very much ridiculous when the words left his lips and he gave up, stepping closer and leaning into the thin arms and waiting for them to wrap around him briefly.

"Mmh," the boy next to him hummed and pulled him down and close to his chest, skin colder than he had expected. "And you're burning, so you can warm me up."

A round jaw rested on top of his shoulder as his friend leaned in and instead of letting go quickly the way he usually did, those arms remained wrapped around him and warm exhales tickled his neck.

He would've liked to know what it was that made his heart race, his cheeks burn, what it was that forced goosebumps on his skin. Maybe it was the exhaustion from sitting at the desk and gluing books for so long, or the fear of doing something he shouldn't, or the sweetest scent of pastries that entered his nose as soon as he was close enough. "You smell like the inside of a cake," he murmured, before realizing how inappropriate it was. He should've said something else, replied to a sentence his friend had said. Hyungwon had said. "I- I don't know why I'm burning. Maybe you're just cold. Would you like a blanket? I can get you mine."

"Can you be my blanket?" Hyungwon smiled and his eyes got that glow when the hallway light reflected inside them. "Would you like to know if I also taste like cake?"

The question pushed itself into his mind, circling and only making his heart beat faster, like he might be punished for what he was thinking, for what he imagined the words entailed.

"The- the wine. We should drink it, you did all those things to get it, charms and all that, so we can't let it get bad. We should drink." He barely managed to get some air and enough resolve to lean back and feel for the bottle on the floor until he found it and lifted it next to his face, confirming that the thing he was talking about existed and wasn't a stupid excuse for his impure thoughts.

"Then I'll probably taste like wine." Hyungwon chuckled and he felt fingers wrap around his own that held the bottle. At first, they remained still, holding on, but after a few seconds he felt a thumb caressing his index finger and warmth spread on the pit of his stomach. "Why did you tell me that Father was gone today?"

"Because… I wanted to see you. Is that- really surprising? I mean… you enjoy spending your time with me too, or am I mistaken? I mean, I could also be the only one. Is… is it strange for a friend to feel that way?" The tension was too much and he continued chewing on his lips, gaze switching between their fingers around the bottle and those chestnut brown eyes that were merciless, looked at him for longer than those eight seconds Father used to check his attitude. The seconds those brown eyes looked at him, on the other hand, felt like one single second. A moment that passed right away.

"It's what I wanted to hear," Hyungwon murmured and his voice sounded louder than before as it was right next to his ear, warm mouth brushing the shell of it. "I am really happy to see you, so happy that I don't want to let go anymore. It's not strange because there are no rules for feelings. My mother always said the people who try to control feelings don't know right from wrong."

"I should know, they tried so hard to teach me, it couldn't have been futile." Exhaling sharply, he tried to remember some prayer, any prayer, but his mind was blank. Blank but not quite because the intoxicating scent of delicious pastries and the warmth of Hyungwon's lips had no trouble getting through, settling in and forcing away everything else. "Your… your shirt- there's some flour," he whispered, leaning back and lifting his hand to the shirt with the white stains. He imagined it to be quick and easy going, he had seen it between friends before, but his fingers remained caught by invisible strings, making it so hard to move fast and stroking over the stain gently instead of removing it, one finger after another, slowly.

"It's not futile," Hyungwon whispered and reached out to brush over his wrist without pulling it away from his shirt. "You learned it and you know, only that it doesn't matter in the end. Isn't that what it means to be human? Do you… like how it feels?"

Again, the question created a chaos of shame, guilt, fear of consequences, the feelings that were so familiar to him because they were considered catalysts for being good. "What's the use? Even if I do… I'm not supposed to. I should be praying or cleaning or…" What was it again that he needed to do? Something about the fabric of that shirt and how his fingers travelled higher, heart skipping a beat when he felt the skin of Hyungwon's collarbone under his fingertips. It was cold, but at the same time so warm that he sucked his lips into his mouth, trying to at least look somewhere else.

"Touching me," Hyungwon's low voice supplied and as soon as the words were said aloud he struggled to distract from them, to think of anything else. "You ask what's the use and I'm not sure I can tell you what the use is to you, but for me… it makes me happy. Everything about you does."

_Happy._

He shouldn't have acted like that, being unclear and ambivalent, thinking thoughts that were not in any way acceptable or good. Especially when there was a person he cared about. A person who was cold and probably also struggled after a long work day. "Are you hungry? Should I give you some of the potatoes I made? You must be hungry and maybe also thirsty. I might make a pot of tea too if it makes you feel warmer. There are more substantial things that can make you happy, but instead of thinking about them, I'm like this." Disappointed in himself he pulled his hand back, clenching the fingers into a fist and nails digging into his palm.

He had expected Hyungwon to let go of him and to smile the way he usually did when he offered food, but this time those slim arms didn't let go of him. Instead, they only tightened as the boy next to him shook his head and reached for his hand, carefully separating his fingers from his palm and rubbing them with his own.

"You make me feel the warmest, Hoseok. I... promised myself that I will do it today."

He stared, limbs feeling heavy, but only heavy enough to stay just where he was without moving. Those words lacked something, an explanation, anything that told him off, reminded him that he was a friend, someone who was close to another human being, providing guidance and care in a pure way.

_This doesn't fit. It isn't what this is._

"You promised… yourself? What do you mean?" He knew he shouldn't have asked, he knew it was already more than he could've asked for forgiveness for, but at the same time it wasn't enough. His body and his mind were fighting, but he was right here. With those cool fingers around his own.

He heard a sudden inhale, right next to his ear before Hyungwon leaned back just enough to meet his gaze, visibly swallowing but the look in his eyes was unfamiliar, determined and bright. A cold palm brushed over his shoulder towards the center of his chest, applying pressure.

He wasn't sure about the right thing to do, only that his body gave in, leaning back until his back touched the wooden floor and he swallowed too, looking at the soft face and thinking that he must be so obvious. He couldn't hide it, showing it off through his rapid heartbeat and his burning skin. How could he fool God, if he couldn't even fool himself?

Hyungwon stroked from his chest back to his shoulders and leaned closer, all the way until he had his elbows on each side of his face and a few black curls brushed his cheek.

"I'm going to kiss you, Hoseok," the low voice whispered.

_Kiss. He is going to…_

His breath hitched and his nails dug into his palms, but what was the reason? Was that a test to check if his thoughts would remain pure? To see if he was able to distance himself from sin?

_You failed already. Nothing’s happened and you already failed in your thoughts._

Maybe, and probably he was going to die.

Die because he wasn't worthy and couldn't keep himself from wanting the sin, pulling it closer by tugging on invisible strings with his thoughts, with his hands remaining still, with his lips that parted in anticipation that shouldn't be, but was and manifested into a fireball inside his lungs.

But what did it say about him? What did it mean, that he lay on the wooden floor, arms next to his hips, fully aware and conscious? How could it be that he looked at those big eyes and those full, red lips and couldn't wait.

For those lips,

for the sin,

for death to finally get him.

***

Dark, almost black eyes that widened the closer he got. At first, he had expected a hint of fear, maybe even for those delicate hands to grab his shoulders and push him away, but neither happened. There were only rough inhales and several seconds of silence during which his heartbeat sounded louder than everything else, hammering in his chest as he couldn't wait to close his eyes and do what he had wanted to do for weeks, months, maybe even years.

_Maybe this is what you were born to do?_

It reminded him of a dream. The shore, wind playing in his hair, sand sticking to his feet as he wrote a name into the sand over and over again. In the dream he was sure, if he wrote it often enough, he would get this one wish granted, even if he had never gotten anything else. Even if everything else was taken from him. He only ever wanted him. Hoseok, Hoseok, Hoseok.

His mouth felt dry, so he quickly licked his lips and allowed himself a few more moments to take everything in, to observe the expression on the face of the boy he liked and needed more than anybody and anything else, more than a piece of bread after a day of starving, more than the most basic human needs. These moments were supposed to be some of the most important ones, the moment that could decide about life and death. A life full of regret or death after the sweetest of experiences.

_If you're not next to him there won't be a point to life._

The boy he liked, Hoseok, had beautifully curved lips. If he had wanted to paint two crescent moons on paper, one next to the other, Hoseok's lips would have been the outcome with mouth corners that deserved a kiss of their own.

There was so little he could see of the other boy, only his face, his hair, his big eyes and slightly parted mouth, as if waiting to have a taste as much as he was. The black shirt that covered Hoseok's chest and most of his neck with a high collar didn't allow him a single glance of his skin or the goosebumps he hoped were there, goosebumps that his own body was completely covered in.

_He's a present, all wrapped up for you to discover._

He rested his weight on his elbows and leaned in, hearing nothing but the thumping in his ears and smelling a mixture of spices and candles, the scent that made him dizzy for several reasons at once.

For the first time he felt scared while kissing somebody, so scared that he paused right when he felt a light brush of lips against his own. What if he was going to change something? What if he couldn't come again, couldn't hold the small hand in his and pretend it was to stay warm? What if he couldn't lean against a wall wrapped in a blanket and be fed potato stew while the boy feeding him kept trying to hide his smile?

He exhaled shakily and the tremble that passed through the warm body below him was enough to decide and to let his eyes flutter shut and feel hot lips against his own, soft as a cushion as his insides pulled together and seemed to be set on fire all at once.

What was happening with the owner of those soft lips? He wasn't sure, he couldn't be, but Hoseok breathed irregularly, holding the air in for a long time before exhaling it all at once through his nose and transforming into a low sound, vibrating against his mouth and tugging on his insides, warming them up so quickly.

_What if he feels as much as you do?_

He didn't dare to open his eyes and check, to have certain knowledge about how the boy he liked felt about kissing him. With his eyes closed it remained a mystery, something he could imagine in his head and paint in the brightest of colors. He could imagine how breathless Hoseok was because he had waited to be kissed, he could imagine those delicate hands wrapping around him and pulling him closer or carefully remaining on the floor in the hope that he would continue with whatever it was he did. Every single image caused warmth to collect in his middle and he gasped into the innocent press of lips he didn't dare to break.

It was becoming difficult to breathe, but stopping a kiss was even scarier than initiating it. It meant dealing with the aftermath and insecurity, with expectations and his own desires and how the boy in his arms might be responding to those.

A soft whimper left those hot lips, sounding so clear and harmonizing with the loud thumping of his heartbeat in his ears. He registered how Hoseok lifted his hand, holding it in the air for a few seconds before sinking his fingers into his hair, accompanied by another sound that brought about a similar effect.

_He must like it, there is no other explanation!_

His excitement increased tenfold as he covered the warm hand with his own and led it across his hair, down his neck and back to tug at the strands and make him breathless. The touch was even better than he had imagined, as vivid as a sunset instead of a dark room at night.

"I really like your hands," he murmured and finally dared to pause the kiss to inhale and cover each knuckle of Hoseok's right hand with his lips.

The break was followed by a rough inhale, those round eyes widening and jumping from his eyes to his lips before Hoseok jumped up and crawled back, putting a bit more distance between their bodies. Again, he felt the gaze on him, but it only stayed for a split second before the boy grabbed the bottle of wine and attempted to open it with his shaky fingers.

"The wine. We forgot the wine. You brought it, so we need to drink it. Now. I need to drink it. Is it good? Even if it isn't… why won't it open?" Right after the monologue that was so quick that he simply stared, unsure what to think, Hoseok managed to open the wine and lifted the bottle to his lips, swallowing gulp after gulp.

_You scared him. You must have scared him so much._

The sight shocked him enough to freeze in place at first until he caught himself and quickly crawled over to rip the bottle of wine from those hands he loved. A few drops had found their way past Hoseok's lips and dropped on his black gown, disappearing into the fabric. The white collar remained unstained and he couldn't remember the last time he experienced such relief.

_You don't want him to get hurt, even if everything you want from him might._

"Shh," he whispered and took a few gulps himself, confirming that it wasn't particularly strong as he had expected. His hands were quick to discard the bottle but hesitated to wrap around Hoseok's completely covered body instead. The other boy always seemed so dressed to him, without a single inch of skin showing apart from his beautiful face. It drove him mad.

_But you scared him, so you cannot touch him without warning._

Hoseok remained motionless with his hands curled into fists next to his knees and dark eyes focused on him. First, he wasn't sure what to think, because he didn't know that specific expression, the widened pupils and how the boy licked the wine from his lips slowly. Observing the pink tongue and hating the distance, he didn't expect Hoseok to suddenly crawl towards him, both burning palms cupping his face and suddenly those soft, cushion-like lips clashing against his with so much force that he fell back, hitting his head on the wood.

His vision seemed to blur for a second or two, but it was nothing compared to sparks that kissing evoked inside of him. It seemed surreal, like a dream of his that he woke from with a sad chuckle because he knew that it could never happen. Hoseok wanted to kiss him, beautiful, faithful Hoseok. Breathtaking, rule-abiding Hoseok who must have learned that everything about him was wrong, bad and detestable.

"Don't stop," he exhaled, feeling a slight burn in his bottom lip as it must have cracked from the force of the kiss. It didn't matter though, because the feeling that was spreading through him and stole his breath away was priceless, worth any kind of discomfort. He would have gone hungry for weeks if only it meant that he could kiss Hoseok again, and again, and again.

"I-," the low voice muttered, breathless and not leaving a second between their messy kisses. "I don't know what I'm doing, I don't know anything about it, I don't know how-" Hoseok exhaled, propping one arm next to his face and lifting up just enough to look at him. "Do I need more wine to know? Is there any left?"

"To stop?" he asked at first before wrapping his arms tightly around Hoseok's waist and sucking the curved bottom lip into his mouth instead of a simple kiss. The reaction was more than worth it as those eyes widened and made him want to do it all over again, to pull a sound from that delicious mouth. "Or to continue? For that you don't need wine, only me."

"Good Lord." The pretty, pink tongue licked over the already wet lips that parted for regular exhales, quick and revealing that being close made him breathless.

"You drive me absolutely mad," he whispered and stroked upwards from the narrow waist towards the round cheeks, cupping them. He still couldn't believe that he was able to touch, that even though all those layers were still in place he could feel the warmth through them, knowing that it was Hoseok he caressed.

"It's much easier to get drunk on your lips for me than to ever get drunk on wine, Hoseok."

"I think I'm going to die. My heart is too fast and my skin is burning. It must mean that it's close." Hoseok stared at him with that dark gaze reflecting the hallway lights and chewing on his wet lips nervously, hesitating to do anything.

"It only means that you are excited. Have you never been this excited before?" He smiled and grabbed Hoseok's hand to let it roam over his shoulder and towards his chest, stopping right at his heart. "Can you feel it? It's beating like this because of your lips and hands."

Hoseok shook his head, confirming that excitement hadn't been something the gorgeous boy was familiar with. "But what if you die too? Because of me? Because of my… greed. I can't let that happen."

_He thinks you're doing it because of his greed?_

"We're not going to die, Hoseok," he murmured and covered the handsome face with careful kisses because it was difficult to resist. "Not because of feeling this way. This is only the beginning. I could make you feel so much more; my hands are trembling from the thought alone."

"Good Lord, please don't say anything more," Hoseok whined and leaned forward, pressing his lips onto his own in a rigid, motionless way, before those lips moved a little, kissing his bottom lip first and then his top one.

A smile tugged at the corners of his mouth, but he nodded and decided to let his lips speak for him. He kissed back and let the boy in his arms explore, kiss him carefully and then with more vigor until he couldn't take it anymore and pulled the lean body flush against his, enough to pull a soft moan from his lips.

"I will burn down from the inside. I can feel it," Hoseok breathed out against his lips, as if he was sharing a scary secret that nobody could know about.

_Burn from the inside? Isn't that good?_

"I can make you feel it even more," he whispered and let his fingers dance over the other boy's thighs, a little nervous that it was going to be too much while being unable to hold himself back.

_You want to touch him so badly, feel more than the thick fabric._

"But it's dange-" The word got stuck in the boy's throat as his fingers travelled further, followed by a gasp so gorgeous that it went right to his middle.

_Beautiful._

"It's not, it feels good," he replied and brushed his thumb right below the waistband of the other boy's pants. He hoped his own worries weren't obvious, how much he feared to do something that Hoseok disliked.

"Oh… oh no, oh no." Suddenly the body on top of him froze, letting the seconds pass as those dark eyes stared at him in shock before Hoseok got up on his feet, turned around and pressed his forehead against the wall, only showing him his no less attractive backside and whispering something to himself.

_Was it too much? Did you make a mistake?_

He remained on the floor at first, observing how Hoseok kept trying to melt into the wall while speaking quietly. Then he looked at his own pants, the flour spots on them and the sight of his naked and slightly dirty feet on the expensive looking floor. It felt a little strange and helpless not to act, so he moved closer but only slowly, crawling towards the boy's pant-clad legs and stroking over one of them in a simple motion.

"Did I upset you?"

"No. No, it's not you. It's me. I apologize, it's … It's not the way it's supposed to be. I- I shouldn't be like this," the low voice muttered into the wall.

"Like… what?" he asked and held onto Hoseok's legs with his hands as he slipped his head in between them to be able to steal a glance at the boy's face. "Beautiful?"

Hoseok looked down, eyes widening in shock and body quickly turning away from the wall. "You're the one who is beautiful. I… am just inappropriate."

_He thinks you're beautiful._

The thought made him feel so good that he smiled from ear to ear and shook his head quickly. "There isn't a single thing about you that is inappropriate. If I had to choose one it would be how easy it is for me to fall to your feet, but that's also my own fault for falling in the first place. Can't you just let me hold you? I promise I won't do more than that."

"I can't. I can't upset you like this." Hoseok turned and faced the wall again, hitting his forehead against it lightly. "You shouldn't be at my feet either. I need to apologize. I… yes, I will apologize." Suddenly, the gorgeous face finally revealed itself, cheeks pink and glowing and those delicate hands playing with the beads that the boy got out of his pocket before sinking to his knees in front of him. "I sincerely apologize."

"But what for?" he couldn't help asking and reached out to brush over the red spot on the smooth forehead, feeling hurt just by looking at it. As so often there was something happening inside that beautiful mind he had no access to and couldn't understand. If just holding him was going to make the other boy feel at ease, then he could do that, but why would there be a need to apologize?

"For… for my body and my thoughts." The whisper was barely audible, but the dark gaze caught his, glowing, just like the round cheeks. He looked too beautiful to be real.

_Is he… apologizing for being aroused?_

"What if I told you that my thoughts and body are the same?" he asked quietly and moved a little closer, using their positions to slip his knee in between Hoseok's thighs and reach for the boy's hands. "I hoped that I could make you feel that way."

"But… surely not… like this," Hoseok breathed out before letting out a low gasp and holding onto his waist tightly. "There is no excuse for… my reaction. I apologize."

_He doesn't understand._

His fingers danced over the other boy's as he led them towards their thighs, caressing his own with a smile before slipping in between them for long enough to make his own response obvious. He could feel his heart skip a beat and cold sweat develop on his forehead, a courtesy of his nervousness, but the brief touch felt too good to contain a hiss.

"Oh Lord," the boy's voice gasped in reply, repeating the words a few times and each time it seemed as if the breaths got louder, more, quicker, before those hot lips returned to him in an overwhelming open-mouthed kiss so hot, it was about to burn him down.

He barely had enough time to return it, to use his tongue to explore and to hold the other boy closer as he let himself fall to the floor and roll to the side, still entangled with the limbs and lips of the person he wanted the most. His body was still burning in anticipation and with the desire for more, but having Hoseok in his arms, unable to stop kissing him was like heaven on earth for real. Even if it might have been hell to everyone else.

A low chuckle escaped him, happiness in its purest form as it bubbled from his chest and allowed him to wrap Hoseok in it, holding him and kissing him without a break. He loved the taste, even if it was mostly wine. He loved the scent of spices, the softness of those hands no matter how much they wrote and worked. He wanted to kiss each fingertip and thank it for existing, to cover every inch of skin that was there with his lips and remove the barriers that kept him from it, the layers of imprisonment that seemed to be so much more than clothes to the other boy.

"You are so beautiful. So so beautiful. It doesn't make sense." Hoseok's voice supplied breathlessly, sounding an excerpt from a dream he knew was one because it couldn't be real.

"It doesn't because you're really in my arms, it's like a dream," he spoke his thoughts and pressed a kiss to burning cheeks, the curve of a neck, an earlobe and finally the beginning of a collar that represented the beginning to everything he wasn't allowed to call his. "I hate this collar and everything that it represents. I know it means the world to you, but you mean more than the world to me."

"There must be something wrong with me. I was gluing the books and thinking about when you would come. Do I really have any excuses for my thoughts, or my actions? Sometimes it feels like this collar is the only thing that's right about me." Hoseok smiled, but the smile left a bitter taste on his tongue. There was another kiss too, but then, the warmth pulled away, the boy got up and helped him to his feet even though he didn't want to stand. "I think there's half an hour left until you have to leave. I can't let you leave knowing that the only thing you had… was my lips."

_Even though they are the tastiest treat of them all._

"Even if they are the only thing I want?" he murmured but didn't reduce the distance that Hoseok put between them. It wasn't the first time and he recognized the gaze, the fumbling of those delicate hands that had been around him only a moment ago. It was the point at which pushing further meant that something might break and not a single inch of the boy he liked the most deserved to be broken. Even if it meant swallowing down the taste of rejection and helplessly observing as Hoseok beat himself up over something as simple and pure as desire.

"You might think that because you haven't tasted the potatoes I made yet," the low voice replied and it sounded like Hoseok really believed it. Believed that he couldn't have wanted those lips, those kisses, the touches they shared. "I want to see that you ate enough, but maybe…" The hesitation let him listen closer, reducing the distance between them as he followed to the kitchen, attempting to hear the rest. "...maybe, you won't need a blanket this time."

***

"Give us honest hearts, O God, and send your kindly Spirit to help us confess our sins and bring us the peace of your forgiveness; in Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen."

Father's voice sounded different this time, or maybe it was the spirit that was sent to him. Helped him realize that there was no forgiveness for him, no help, no peace, no way out.

_Because it was you. You wanted it. You asked for sin, breathing it, reaching for it and covering yourself in it despite the knowledge. You knew what you were doing, kissing those lips and making your body and soul burn down in the flames of desire._

Father left after finishing up, but he remained sitting in the same spot. It wasn't time for him to leave yet. Not now. Not before his thoughts were clear.

He rolled the bead between his fingers, examining its qualities, it's characteristics, repeating the prayer over and over again and his lips moved but so did his thoughts. They travelled back to the scent of wine in his nose, to full lips, a rose, the blooming flower caressing his own and putting the intoxicating taste on his tongue. His mind circled around those flour stains on the brown fabric, returning to his fingers that stroked over it, feeling the warmth of another body, the need for more, the firmness of burning desire filled with hot blood.

_No._

He needed to pray. Pray more until it was gone, to clean his mind and return it to the way he knew it was supposed to be, to the way Father expected it to be.

The day went on as he continued sitting on his knees, facing the cross, fingers running over the beads in an endless cycle, but those words were empty, laced in doubt and all his prayers sounded like lies that he had learned by heart.

The candles should've lit up his way to righteousness, but instead, they made him think about that face. That beautiful face with big eyes that shone despite working all day and being hungry. The round nose that scrunched when the boy went on about slums, how he couldn't take the smell and how his scent was the best thing he had ever smelled, and finally, those lips. Those full, red lips, bluish when he came from outside, not wearing anything apart from the old beret hat, the light brown shirt with suspenders and thin pants. So thin that he could feel the skin hiding beneath them.

Those lips. Those fingers. Those thighs.

_Create in me a clean heart, O Lord and renew a right spirit within me._

He pushed his nails into his thighs, using enough force to leave marks and attempted to get up, winching at his bruised knees and laying on the floor, waiting until he could feel his legs again.

_Why are you still like this? Why doesn't it help?_

He knew that some of the priest candidates in seminary were fooling around with women secretly, but it was different with him, wasn't it? He wasn't fooling around. And it wasn't a woman.

_Because you aren’t like them. You never thought about anything like this but now it's all you can think about. All you can think about is him._

Him. The boy who smelled like freshly baked pastries and tasted so good that no words of prayer could cover the memory on his tongue.

_

The scent of trash, the whiff of half eaten, rotting bodies of small animals hidden behind garbage piles, a bit of light and too many people.

"Can your God save me too?" a beggar chanted, reacting to the white of his shirt and the black of his gown. A contrast of good and evil.

He couldn't answer because he didn't know the answer. 'We are all children of God', he could have said, but was that the truth? Why did he have the white freshly washed shirt and silky hair when the man on the ground had the stinking, half-eaten bodies cluttered around him? Were they really that different?

He had a mission. Something he needed to do. The heat inside his bag seeped out, warming his thigh as he walked down the street, hoping to arrive on time. Shortly before midnight.

Turning around the corner, he sighed in relief. Thankfully, there was still light, and somehow it felt like the enlightenment he was searching for when he sat in front of the cross for hours, bruising his knees. It was the light that could have saved him, the light that could lead his way. And in the light, like an angel, he recognized the tall silhouette, wiping the floor. The elegant tall body was dancing back and forth, with those thin arms uncovered, big hands grabbing the stick tightly and skin golden like the egg yolk turning into a shiny crust of a freshly baked pastry.

_And here you are, staring._

He had a mission. The warmth against his thigh reminded him of why he was here. It was his need to care for another person. The innocent wish to see those shiny eyes. The need to lie to himself this one time too, wondering when he would finally reach the limit.

Instead of entering right away, he observed more, how sweat developed on the smooth forehead, a few drops only, shining and resembling gem stones that were caught by those black strands that covered the boy's big eyes.

_Breathtaking._

He wanted to kiss those drops, know how they tasted on his tongue, let those thoughts he was afraid of take over, but he had a mission. A solution.

Lying to himself.

"Hey," he murmured quietly, standing in the doorway of the bakery and tapping his bag. "I made some scones, they're fresh out of the oven and I thought I'd get an evaluation of my skills, as you are surely better at this."

At first there was a jerk in the narrow frame, as if the boy in front of him was scared by whoever came to him at this time of night. Only when those brown eyes met his, they suddenly lit up like a torch, orange and white light reflecting within a chestnut brown and fighting over who could shine brighter.

_He is all there is to beauty._

"Hoseok!" Hyungwon exclaimed happily and opened the door wide to let him in, hitting the old wood against the wall in the process and wincing from the loud noise. "Your scones must be wonderful because there is something that those hands of yours add no matter what they do."

"W-what," he muttered, taken aback by the sudden comment and quickly fumbling with his bag that contained his freshly baked efforts. He wanted to see Hyungwon break off a piece with his long fingers, smelling it before those eyes fluttered shut and he closed his lips around it with a hum. "You must be so tired. Should I help you clean the floor?" He placed the bag on a wooden bench and stepped closer, reaching for the broom.

"What? No! Your hands are so soft, I want them to stay that way." The tall boy smiled and pulled the broom towards himself. A quick glance around and he resumed sweeping the floors while pretending his broom was a person he led through a complicated dance that couldn't be followed. It wasn't a familiar dance and some of the steps were strange, but still he couldn't look away as Hyungwon hummed a cheerful melody.

"No way. What would you say if you saw my knees?" He chuckled, feeling lifted from the sight and his heartbeat that magically matched the sound of Hyungwon's feet on the floor.

Walking around the dancing silhouette, he stepped closer, wrapping his hands around Hyungwon from behind and curling his fingers around the broom. He put a lot of effort into making sure to stay at a decent distance despite the proximity. "Ever seen a priest candidate sweeping the floors of a bakery? No? You're lucky today."

"Can't wait," he heard close to his ear as his attempts disappeared into thin air just as the space between them did. Hyungwon leaned against his chest and threw his head back to rest it on his shoulder. "Only that I'm dirty. I might soil you."

"You aren't dirty. You… looked like an angel just now, unaware that I was looking." He sucked in more air with a shaky inhale before stepping back with the broom and unbuttoning his black cassock slowly, button after button, until it opened, revealing a plain white shirt and thin black pants.

It was the first time that he’d taken it off in front of somebody else and somehow, he felt naked without it, but it was hard to wash it and with all the flour and crumbs on the floor, Father might have asked what he had done to look like that, and he would have to lie. Again.

Chewing on his lips, he carefully undid the white buttons on his wrists and rolled back the sleeves before finally taking the broom and doing a pose that was supposed to be funny, leaning against it and lifting his eyebrow. "I'm really good at cleaning. You eat the scones and I'll make it perfectly tidy, just watch."

A gorgeous chuckle filled him with buzzing joy until Hyungwon stepped closer, fingers carefully brushing along his naked forearms. The touch lasted a few seconds before it disappeared. Still, the warmth seemed to stay, making his skin feel like the shape of fingers remained on it, forever, to remind him of how it felt.

"Does Father force you to clean a lot?" Hyungwon asked softly and sat down on the floor, not minding the flour and the crumbs. His legs were folded and beautiful long fingers rested on top of his thighs that drowned in the oversized fabric, but gave him a hint of the outline, right where Hyungwon's fingers were curled around them.

"Hmm, I do clean a lot, but he doesn't force me. He… tells me to do it, so I do it, like many other things. It's part of my life and it will only get more intense, more prayers, more responsibilities. There will be so much to pay attention to and take care of after the celibacy vow. He's trying to prepare me for life," he murmured, grabbing the broom with both hands and getting to work, quickly collecting all the crumbs and sweeping the flour into a tidy pile that he removed with a dustpan. "How are the scones?"

He turned around, wiping the bit of sweat from his forehead and looked at Hyungwon, who hadn't touched a single scone, still sitting right there on the floor, only a few meters away from him. The boy was observing him intently, eyes filled with a glow he wasn't familiar with. He got a glimpse of the boy’s teeth that continuously chewed on his bottom lip as if there was something about him that made Hyungwon restless, fingers curling and uncurling around his own thighs.

"Why does he prepare you for celibacy?" the boy asked instead of answering his question, eyes not leaving his forearms.

"Because that's the order of things. I will become a priest which requires celibacy and being busy and exhausted. It brings you closer to God. I guess." He sighed, leaving the broom next to the other tools and walked to the bench where he put his bag. Curling his fingers around a scone, he stepped closer and crouched down in front of Hyungwon, lifting the pastry to his face. "I did my part, but you're still sitting here and being hungry. This won't do."

"I don't think that it's scones I'm hungry for," Hyungwon murmured, but closed his lips around the soft texture of the pastry. It looked even better than he imagined, seeing the plump mouth wrap around it and chew deliciously, low hum revealing that the other boy might have changed his mind. The gorgeous brown eyes disappeared behind his pretty, soft eyelids as Hyungwon hummed once more, only to suddenly move closer and brush their noses together. "Why do you need to be closer to God if you… could be close to me instead?"

He gasped quietly, not expecting the proximity, at least not without warning, but the mention let his eyes travel towards the cassock that he took off and the rosary that he knew was hiding in one of the pockets. It was all here, but he doubted that a prayer could save him right now.

"You don't believe, I know, I don't want to make you because I think every person has to make a decision for themselves. I do think you're hungry for the scones and I do think that you look exhausted, need a bath and someone to massage your back and legs and maybe also a hot tea. I don't think I could… be close to you instead of being close to God. Currently it seems as if I'm not close to anything at all." Again, he sighed, returning his gaze to Hyungwon's big brown eyes that didn't leave his face despite inhaling the scone from his fingertips. "But Hyungwon… don't you want someone who- knows?" he asked, pulling out another pastry and breaking off a piece to carefully put it into Hyungwon's parted mouth.

He felt hot.

From cleaning.

"I want you," Hyungwon whispered and he didn't even have the time to process the words as a plump mouth covered his, hot and wet before disappearing as quickly as it happened. Only the crumbs remaining on his upper lip were proof of what must have been a kiss as the boy in front of him resumed munching on a scone. "I've never seen so much of you before, Hoseok."

_He means your clothes. You just took them off._

"I- that wasn't my intention… let me put it back on, I'm done cleaning now!" he exclaimed and reached for his left sleeve, rolling it back down and closing the buttons after the fourth attempt.

"No!" Hyungwon yelled, so loud that it echoed through the bakery and shocked both of them. "No," the boy repeated once again, quietly as he reached out and stopped his hand, fingers easily unbuttoning his sleeve with a single attempt.

"W-what? But why?" he muttered, a bit shocked by the reaction and feeling even more naked with only his white shirt and thin black pants, with his uncovered forearms that were covered in veins showing how fast his heart was beating, one, two, three, four.

"I like it," Hyungwon whispered and tightened his grip around his wrist, pulling it towards the plump mouth that felt like it burned his skin. "I can show you mine too if you like. I don't mind showing my body, I did it a lot."

_You are in a bakery with the lights on._

A gasp left his mouth as he used his strength to pull Hyungwon along, before sinking to the floor behind the counter and having the boy settle next to him. Close to him. Very close to him.

"First of all, I don't want anybody to see you and for you to get fired for messing around at your workplace. Secondly, what do you mean by showing your body a lot? Why would anybody… have any business with your body? It's yours." His wrist remained in Hyungwon's grip and he swallowed, feeling even hotter than before.

"Because bodies feel good," the boy muttered into his ear and wrapped one arm around his waist, the touch so hot through his thin clothes that he held his breath. "Don't worry, to be fired I would need to be hired in the first place. I'm replaceable, but cheap, so it doesn't really matter what I do either way."

"I wouldn't know. About bodies," he whispered, holding his breath again and scared to move a single inch. "I could open a bakery just to feed you scones all day, if my fate wasn't a different one. At the same time, I know that the Lord can see all my sins no matter where I hide, but here I am… still hiding."

"Do you think the Lord knows?" Hyungwon asked and caressed his side, fingers tracing the fabric to the spot where it disappeared within his trousers. "About bodies? Is that why he calls it a sin? So, he's the only one who can have it?"

He shook his head, sucking on his bottom lip to distract himself and scratching his fingers over the floor, but it was ineffective, as usual. "No. He calls it a sin because it makes you think about nothing else and… and I think he's right."

"Do you stop believing in him just because my hand is around your waist?" The other boy shifted until their thighs were flush against each other and a pretty face was right in front of his own. Hyungwon's arm remained around his waist, tracing the same path from his pants towards his ribs and back.

"I don't. But I can't remember a single prayer. I don't know about anything but your hands, your face, your… your lips. And when you're gone, I kneel for hours in front of the cross repeating the prayers a thousand times but all I can think about is sin."

"But still you don't stop believing." A smile was on Hyungwon's face, but he couldn't understand why it was there. "Isn't that enough? You believe in him and when you're asleep, you also don't think about anything, but still believe in him. It's not sin because it doesn't break your path. It- it's natural, human nature."

"Your lips make it sound pretty, but it's all I was taught to fear. They put their souls into their bags to teach that it is bad. That my body should only exist to kneel in front of the Lord. I don't know what to do with myself, but it's not your fault, so how can I not come to you…" He rubbed over his bruised knees through the thin black fabric and pulled his legs up, face resting on one of the bruises to remind himself that the consequences could be painful. "But then I came here and you looked like an angel, dancing around here with your golden arms, being like enlightenment personified. I think I'm going insane."

"What if I am?" Hyungwon smiled again, but there was something sad to it, voice a little breathier than before as the boy rested his head on top of his shoulder. "It must be nice to be an angel. Do you think I could have all of you if I was?"

"All of me? But what do I have that you might want?" he asked, shifting and feeling his heart ache, registering how his posture changed and his arms wrapped around the body next to him naturally. It felt so much easier than anything that he had done during the past few days. "I don't have anything, but you already are an angel. Beautiful and shining in the middle of the night."

"A kiss." The reply was careful, a low buzzing in his ear as lips spoke against the shell of it, warm air causing goosebumps to spread along his spine. "A gaze, a touch. A second, a minute, an hour of your time. I want everything, ever since you offered me your hand on that bridge."

"Was it because I offered you my hand? But anybody could have and should have offered it." His words sounded disbelieving but his mind was circling around the list of things Hyungwon wanted from him. The list of things that he could give. That he... wanted to give. "Do you really… want…" His breath hitched and moving was so much easier than explaining to himself that he could but shouldn't do it, that there was a limit to how much a child of God could sin before God abandoned them and nobody knew the limit. Some sinners were forgiven but others were lost forever. And as all those thoughts rushed past his mind, his body knew better even though it didn't know, it assumed, counting with numbers he wasn’t familiar with, trembling and searching for salvation he didn’t know about. Maybe his body was expecting to find the salvation within the beautiful black-haired boy as it leaned closer, used its grip to hold on, to hold close before his lips pressed onto the sweet ones, warm ones, reminding him of flour and fondant and pastries dancing around his mouth and begging to be let inside.

Hyungwon gasped against his lips, stroking from his waist upwards and along his shoulders towards his naked forearms. Fingers slipped under the fabric of his sleeves, caressing even more uncovered skin. There seemed to be no end to the heat that the other boy was able to create, hands restless to touch every inch of him, to kiss his lips and to bridge the distance between them by crawling closer, over his legs onto his thighs.

He couldn't think, or maybe he couldn't think about all the things he was supposed to think about, he had thought about before. Before meeting the black-haired boy and knowing how it felt to have his weight on him, his hands on him, his lips on him.

_You’re scared because it feels better than anything you know._

His hands stayed motionless, but with rising heat it seemed impossible to prevent them from travelling over the oversized fabric and hesitantly wrapping around Hyungwon's slim waist. It was so narrow that he wanted to squeeze it, to feel it against his fingers, his hands. "It really feels like I'm burning. You're burning me down. Or, I'm burning myself down."

"I'm burning too, so much," Hyungwon replied and covered his hand with his own, leading it past the oversized pants and suspenders, past the discolored shirt he was wearing. A button was missing, so the space was just enough to fit his hand and have his fingers brush over a few ribs and something small and protruding, a nipple.

"Good Lord," he gasped, breath hitching and eyes widening in response. Hyungwon's skin was burning under his fingertips and it almost seemed like they were itching, itching to touch more. "I think- I fear my body is about to react, you…" he couldn't finish, lips parting in what might have been a sound if he had allowed it to leave his throat.

"You?" Hyungwon asked and exhaled roughly once his fingers passed over the firm bud again. The reaction was difficult to resist, but he tried his best not to repeat it over and over again. "You should let it react. It tells me that I can make you feel that way. You make me feel that way too. It's important that both of us do. That's what makes it feel the best way. My mother taught me that."

He didn't have a mother and he didn't have a working body or wasn't aware of its strange functions. Why else would he stare at his fingers moving over the boy's golden skin, why would he gasp from the shift on his thighs, feeling the heat accumulate in his middle and burning so intensely that he wanted to be closer, even closer, so close that the flames would calm down?

"I can't follow any of the smart words you're saying. I don't know what's wrong with me," he mumbled, breathing heavily before throwing his head back in an attempt to regulate the sensations from outside and those from the inside by hitting his head against the wooden counter. "I know that I'm lying to myself, but I'm not even sure that I know what I'm lying to myself about."

"Have you… " Hyungwon murmured and gasped once again as his fingers brushed over that firm bud, unable to help his desire to hear that sound again. "Have you ever felt good, Hoseok?"

_Have you?_

"I… I don't know. What do you mean? I've never felt like this before and I guess for a good reason. Have you?" He collected his wits and lifted his gaze from those delicious lips to Hyungwon's brown eyes, round, shiny and so beautiful.

"I have." Hyungwon exhaled softly and wrapped his arms around his neck, leaving his hand to its own device below the fabric of his shirt. "Would you… like me to show you?"

"Show me how to make you," he breathed out, brushing the tip of his index finger over the hardened bud. An exhale met his lips, louder than before and breathy as Hyungwon's thighs pulled together and caught him in between.

"Touch me."

Maybe he was stupid, or the Catholic school didn't teach him anything useful about life, but he still didn't know what to do. He knew what touching meant, but wasn't he touching the gorgeous body already? In a more than intimate way?

_But remember your hand. How he took your hand and…_

Holding his breath, he stared, startled by what his hands could do, but burning from the flames dancing in the pit of his stomach and begging to fuel the fire. How could he even touch anybody like that if he hadn't even touched himself?

_But he said to touch him._

Inhaling all the air he could get, Hoseok pressed his lips together, heart beating like a drum inside his chest as his fingers slowly travelled from the boy's slim waist, over his hip bone and briefly, almost as if it was just a dream, brushing over the firmness between his legs. "Good Lord," he gasped.

"Even when you touch me you talk of him," Hyungwon murmured and grabbed his face with both of his palms, lips clashing against his and hips firmly pressed against him. He didn't know what to expect and what constituted a touch, but the rough exhale and breathy gasp sounded beautiful in his ears.

"I think I'm going insane. The burning doesn't stop. Why doesn't it stop?" He kissed back, arms wrapping around the warm body and pulling it closer, closer, even closer until it suddenly felt so good that his nails dug into Hyungwon's hips involuntarily and he let out a low sound that resembled a sigh but contained so much more.

"Because you don't act on it." The beautiful boy kissed his lips again and pulled his hips back, removing the heat and almost making him tremble. A few seconds passed during which his whole being burned until that warm body pressed flush against him once more and the same sound was pulled from the depths of his lungs. "I can't believe you're in my arms. I want to be alone with you, somewhere nobody can find us. Not even Him."

_Alone. Alone with him. Where nobody can find you._

"There are two places. The bottom of the ocean because time must be frozen there, but we can't go as we have to breathe, and the other one… the other one only I know about because I'm the only one who knows the way through the catacombs under the church." He imagined leaning against the dark stones, with those hot lips tasting him, hands all over him, his own hands touching hot skin, over and over again. His head and his hands full of sin, lips exhaling sounds of desire, the most sinful prayers of them all.

"The catacombs?" Hyungwon asked and leaned back just enough to meet his gaze, arms still wrapped around his neck and unwilling to separate. Fingers sank into his hair and tugged at it, tugged at his shirt as if they wanted it to disappear just like his cassock had. "I want you to show me. I want to be alone with you."

The grip on his hair tightened and the other boy was just about to meet his lips again, motions impatient and rough, hand hitting the counter and knee scraping over the floor and ruining the already used fabric further. The gesture must have touched something on top of the counter as something dark moved in the corner of his eye and metallic clatter forced both of them to freeze in place. A glance towards the right revealed a knife, long and wide as it stuck in between two boards of wood right next to Hyungwon's thigh. The fabric of the boy's pants was cut and he saw a shimmer of golden skin that quickly turned dark, thick drops staining the floor.

"No, Hyungwon!" he exclaimed, fear cursing through his body as he shifted and used his strength to lift the light weight from his thighs to be able to check the wound closer. Leaning forward, he got a glimpse of the blood dripping down.

_He is hurt because of you. What if he is getting punished instead of you?_

He needed to think, but it seemed like his abilities were lost, fingers quickly unbuttoning his shirt and almost ripping it in the process. As soon as the piece of clothing lay in his hands, he took the knife and cut off a sleeve, cutting it once in the middle before crouching next to the boy's thighs and carefully lifting it to wrap the bright white fabric around his wound tightly. "It must hurt so much," he muttered, making a tight knot and watching how it slowly soaked in bright red.

"Your shirt," Hyungwon muttered softly and caressed the edges of his improvised bandage, eyes wide and focused on him. "It's okay, you… you didn't have to. I don't want you to get in trouble. You're-"

Suddenly, the other boy swallowed and lifted his right hand, index finger reaching out towards the beginning of his collarbone and drawing it all the way to his naked shoulder.

"You're breathtaking, Hoseok."

_You didn't put it back on._

Again, he felt naked, and this time he actually was, quickly pulling the cut shirt over his body and buttoning it up. "Why are you talking about my troubles if you are the one bleeding, you fool." He leaned closer, stroking over the improvised bandage and feeling at ease when it finally started drying. When he lifted his gaze, Hyungwon had sucked his lips into his mouth and played with the cut fabric of his loose pants, revealing more and then less of his naked thigh, over and over again.

_There is so much want inside you._

"Nobody cares if I bleed, but there are enough people who care about the state of your shirt. I-" Those chestnut brown eyes travelled from his fingertips upwards along his naked arm and finally to his face. "I wish it wasn't there in the first place."

His skin was covered in goosebumps even though it was too warm inside the small bakery, but those fingers made him feel everything. The heat, the cold, the desire burning right under the thin layer of skin.

"I care if you bleed. I don't want you to bleed but you are, so I couldn't care less about my shirt right now. It's my fault. I should've just fed you scones as I planned to." He sighed, eyes jumping towards the patch of golden skin and it was the same game all over again. Looking, trying not to look but still looking because it seemed so smooth, warm and firm under his fingertips. "And your pants are cut too. Come to the back of the church tomorrow after you're done working. I might have some pants and… maybe... some catacombs to show you."

Hyungwon's eyes didn't dare look away for a single second as they followed each of his motions. How he grabbed his cassock and buttoned it up, covering all of his skin with pitch black, how he repeatedly failed to rip his gaze from his beautiful face, the firm, bandaged thigh, the aura that really was that of an angel, warm and containing all the things that made life worth living.

"I will be there. I promise."


	8. Heat meeting on cold stone and an unrequited love

Snowflakes flew through the air, dancing in circles before falling to the ground and coloring the dirt and misery a pretty white. A few crystals melted on his bluish fingers or the tip of his nose as he ran, making him smile. Winter was heartless, but whenever it snowed it felt like there was beauty to it, something calm that spread numbness and made him feel like he only needed to lie down in a cloud of white and close his eyes.

_You can't. Mother always said you can't or you will never open them again._

At first, he had felt cold, but the more time passed, the less the biting sensation seemed to reach him. Numbness had spread instead, but he welcomed it, felt glad that the single strip of white on his body, around his thigh, wasn't accompanied by pain anymore. Now it was only that, a white strip of fabric given to him by the priest boy with silky hair and delicate hands.

_Precious._

It had lost some of its pearliness, but still the bit of fabric was cleaner than anything else he owned. He had tried hard to keep it that way and the more snowflakes covered the frozen ground, the more he felt grateful that the color hadn't lost its vividness. The snow was a beautiful gift along with the only scent he wished to smell until he died.

_You heard him talk. The baker said you might not survive this winter._

He shook his head and ran faster. The baker didn't know about his source of happiness and how it warmed him up, he didn't know about the scones and about those delicate hands putting him back together even though he fell apart as soon as they touched an inch of his skin.

_The catacombs. He said you can be alone there._

The scent of death and excrement that filled the city streets and kept him from filling his lungs with air had grown faint and as soon as he saw the big church on the hill, he paused. He wasn't welcome there, he knew from the looks that the priests and especially _Father_ had given him. The night was usually his friend, kept him safe and erased his steps, but the snow showed them clearly, the outline of his right leather shoe, the one that was breaking and flattened more snow crystals.

Curling his fists to warm up his fingers, he took the longer way, past trees that caught some of the snow and a small path that was used by wild animals. Despite the numbness, his middle felt warm, heart beating furiously with excitement because he was going to see him again, see Hoseok.

When he reached the big tree at the back of the church he stopped. His feet disappeared in several inches of snow now, crunching it with a pleasant noise and covering up his traces. It almost seemed as if he had never come, as if he didn't exist in the first place.

_As if you really are an angel, one that is as light as a feather._

He smiled and reached out for the thick bark, fingers dancing over it and tracing the irregularities until he found the beginning of a letter. A simple 'H', no more as he had told Hoseok that it was for himself, to engrave that he existed even though it had been for the other boy.

_Because he deserves to live forever._

It felt good to have something physical to touch when he thought of him, when he came but the church was as cold and unwelcoming as ever unless those black eyes appeared behind the big door and lit up upon seeing his face.

_He's your source of warmth. It's your secret._

He smiled and began tracing the middle line of the letter, eyes closed and skin numb from the cold. Suddenly, there was heat, enough to burn as his fingertip met resistance and he gasped, jumping back into the snow.

"I thought I touched snow, but it moved." The low voice was right next to him before he met the thin line of a white collar in the pitch-black darkness.

_As white as snow._

"I only just arrived and you already set me on fire like a torch," he murmured and resisted the urge to reach out and pull the collar down, reveal a line of skin and a warm neck that could return the color to his lips and fingers. His feet left traces in the snow, so he quickly erased them by patting the area several times and stepping into the ones Hoseok had left instead, allowing only the distance of a single step between them.

"You're freezing. Let's go," Hoseok whispered, words turning into white fog that dissipated between them before a hand, burning like a flame, took his and fingers slipped into the spaces between his own. "I... missed you."

_He actually said it._

"I missed you too," he replied, but they had already walked several steps, so his reply must have seemed late. Hearing the words without asking for them was new, unexpected. It was a present, once again from the only person that ever gifted him anything. "The baker said your shirt is the only reason I'm not dead. Because it's clean, pure just like you are."

"Pure," Hoseok said and chuckled quietly. "The shirt might give off the impression, but it's just a piece of clothing. You can't die. I won't let you." The words echoed more as they entered the church, surrounded by stone walls.

It was late, so his eyes remained on the boy in front of him and the line of pearl white, as white as the line protecting his thigh. One was a collar he wished to remove while the other was precious. A single candle burned at the far back of the church and disappeared as they walked down a flight of stairs into an even thicker darkness.

He could barely see anything, but the other boy pulled him along, confidently walking further, down some stairs until they arrived in a narrow tunnel, moist and cold, but not as cold as it was outside in the snow. "I got you some clothes. They might be a tiny bit moist now, but I got everything to make you warm. You won't need me to feel warm from now on."

"Bullshit," he whispered and he felt the other boy jerk because he must have considered it a curse. For a brief moment he worried that those delicate fingers were going to let go of him, so he tightened his grip. "You make it sound like clothes are enough to feel warm. Do you think I come to you because of that?"

"I don't. Even if you told me that you do, it doesn't feel like it to me. I just want you to be warm." He couldn't see Hoseok's face as the boy was walking ahead of him, but he heard a smile in those words as the warm hand was pulling him through the narrow corridors, further and further until he couldn't have found the way out.

_Can he tell how much you like him?_

He observed what he could see of the other boy, his shoulders and a vague silhouette, wondering if Hoseok was scared because he realized his intentions, the way he felt and how unnatural it was. 'I want you,' he mouthed, but didn't dare say it aloud.

"We're here," the low voice breathed out after he was pulled into a room, black, moist air and no light until Hoseok let go of his hand and fumbled with something, lighting up a lamp and revealing his beautiful face, dark old stones, a few woolen blankets and a pile of clothes on top of a stone tomb. "It's an empty tomb and I don't think anybody has ever been here, so… we are really alone." Those dark eyes widened, looking impressive on the pale face, the only bit of skin visible apart from Hoseok's fingers that the boy hid in the folds of his gown.

_He seems untouchable, but at the same time-_

"So, there is nobody inside here?" he asked and climbed on top of the tomb, right next to the heap that smelled a little like the other boy. A brief inhale alone was enough to make him want to wrap himself in the fabric and forget about everything else. "How come nobody comes here if they always talk about how important those saints are? I thought they care about graves even though it's a pile of bones."

_He's nervous, but maybe you can change that._

A hesitant smile spread Hoseok's cheeks that were colored in a healthy pink as the boy stepped closer to the pile of clothes, placing them on his lap. "Here. You can wear them right now, you must be so cold. I will turn around." A moment passed before he met a broad back, the black fabric and only the line between the collar and Hoseok's fine hair remained in his sight as shadows danced around them with the motions of the flame. "Mhm, they do care, but I guess they don't need to come here to care. Like you pray in church and outside of the church, the catacombs are just here, a place for them to rest in peace."

"Mmh," he agreed and wondered why the other boy had decided to turn around, why he didn't want to see him as soon as he removed the thin fabric of his clothes. His limbs still felt numb, but he hoped that was going to change. "Just like you believe in God, no matter if you think of me or not."

"I'm not sure…" Hoseok started as he took off his shirt, a bit worried that his skin wouldn't feel anything any time soon. "I'm not sure who I'm thinking of more right now."

"Can't be me, since you aren't even looking at me." He chewed on his lips and didn't put on a new shirt yet, taking off his suspenders and his hat instead. Everything looked so dirty compared to the clean fabric organized in an orderly heap. He tried to fold his old clothes too, but his fingers barely moved.

"You think I turned away because I don't want to look at you?" Another low chuckle followed without him being able to see the boy's facial expressions. "I turned away because I do."

"Then why are you torturing yourself like this?" His voice sounded low and rich where they were, deep down below the surface surrounded by cold stone. He took off his pants and slipped out of his shoes too, not even feeling the cold stone below his feet. It didn't seem to make a difference whether he was dressed or not, at least not for the biting air, so he left the heap of fresh clothes next to the blankets and stepped closer, remaining in his undergarments.

His eyes focused on the thin line of skin he could see; how warm it must have been and how much he wanted to see more.

_To touch more._

Swallowing, he reached out and carefully traced the line with his index finger, not daring to breathe. It felt surreal to be standing next to the other boy with no real fabric covering him while his hands could only meet black cloth.

"You're still so cold. This won’t do," Hoseok breathed out and turned, eyes focused on his face before they travelled lower, over his collarbones, his chest and stomach, widening and breath hitching between those parted lips. "Good… Lord. H-Hyungwon."

_He meant it, he was only afraid to see._

He licked his lips that suddenly felt dry and let his fingers travel from the single line of skin towards Hoseok's cheek, cupping it as his thumb brushed over parted lips. The other boy looked mesmerized and he couldn't think of anything else but keeping it that way, giving him more to be mesmerized about.

"You make me want to kiss the wonder off your lips," he whispered and stepped close enough to have his thigh brush over Hoseok's black gown. His undergarments had the same cut as his pants, pearl white fabric shining through along with his skin whenever he shifted.

"You make me want to do anything I can to make you feel warm again. You…" Hoseok swallowed audibly, body frozen in place, but those dark eyes moved, roamed over his skin, forcing a rough exhale to pass the curved mouth, for it to suck in more air, hold it in, gasp. "You are so beautiful."

"Would you… like to touch?" he breathed out and imagined what those delicate hands might feel like. It wasn't the first time that he thought of them, pictured their heat and the way they could make him feel. A single brush of fingers holding his own was capable of taking his breath away, so having those eyes on him and desire at the tip of Hoseok's tongue forced a tremble upon his slim frame. It wasn't the cold this time, only his thoughts of what could be.

"Will it… make you feel warm again?" A step brought the broad body closer, those beautiful fingers that lifted and reached for his collarbone, but suddenly stopped, hesitating to the quick sound of Hoseok's breaths.

"It will make me burn," he replied truthfully and let his palm travel over Hoseok's clothed chest until it rested loosely next to his own hips. He thought of closing his eyes, but he didn't want to miss a single second of the expression on Hoseok's face, of the way it seemed to mirror his own desires.

His answer must've been enough persuasion as those fingers finally touched his numb skin, returning the feeling and leaving a burning trail from his collarbone to his chest. Hoseok gasped again, swallowing and brushing his fingertips over his nipples, index finger, middle finger, ring finger, before starting all over again. "You're so cold. You can't be cold," the boy muttered, wrapping his other arm around his waist hesitantly, before pulling him flush against the black gown with so much strength that he gasped out loud. "How can I enjoy touching your skin when I know that you're freezing, naked and vulnerable in front of me? Make it make sense."

_Because this is what you want._

His own breaths sounded ragged and he smiled, wrapping his arms around the other boy's neck. "Because your fingers help me forget the cold. It feels like... a burning path, better than any touch I've ever had."

"Why… Why are you like this? You should be wearing the clothes and getting warm instead of…" The speech broke off and Hoseok raked his fingers through his moist hair, leaning in and kissing his chin and the tip of his nose, his jaw and finally his bottom lip. He couldn't contain a whimper and let his arms rest on top of Hoseok's shoulders, slipping forward until his naked chest was flat against black cloth, a little bit of warmth transferring through it.

But even that didn't feel like enough, so he climbed on top of the tomb stone, arranging his legs next to the boy's thighs and capturing more and more kisses from his lips.

Hoseok's hands travelled over his waist, his shoulders and arms, back and forth in an attempt to make him feel warmer, but his skin remained ice cold compared to the burning inside the pit of his stomach. "I told you," the boy whispered breathlessly. "I told you I'm not enough."

"You are," he insisted and tightened the grip of his arms and narrowed his thighs. The cut hurt a little, but that meant he was warming up, returning the sensations of his legs. "You only need to give yourself to me, let me see you, feel you."

His fingers supported the words by dipping under the white collar, brushing over the burning skin below it. He couldn't get enough of the heat, the touches, those lips against his own.

"I don't know what that means. You can see me and you can feel me and you're still so cold. I will wrap you in the blankets instead," Hoseok murmured between the kisses, trying to reach for the neatly arranged pile next to his hips.

He didn't allow for a break, too scared that the moment would be broken again and the warmth surrounding him was going to disappear. He grabbed Hoseok's beautiful face and clashed their mouths together, tongue caressing a curved bottom lip and fingers quickly searching for the buttons of the black gown that they opened one by one.

The low moan that left that delicious mouth- if only he could listen to those sounds all the time. It was like they contained all the warmth in the world, surrounding him in addition to Hoseok's strong arms that pulled him closer.

As soon as he opened most of the buttons, he tugged the fabric down Hoseok's shoulders, lips searching for an inch of skin and only finding the collar of his shirt instead. He pulled at it with his teeth and licked over the area above it, over Hoseok's warm neck and finally along a vein that pumped furiously along with each beat of the boy's heart.

"You… Do you want me to… to take this off?" Hoseok asked, gasping at every single one of his touches, at the kisses against his neck, his fingers around his waist that he wanted to feel for real, without clothes.

"Please," he whispered and the words sounded so desperate that he feared they weren't enough. "Please, Hoseok," he repeated and caught those lips with his own again, whimpering into the kiss and moving his hips forward to feel more and forget everything else. "Please let me feel you."

A brief nod followed and he observed as those beautiful delicate fingers travelled over the countless buttons, making room for smooth skin and more skin, and bruised skin, covered in thin red lines, in thick blue streaks, painting a picture that didn't belong there. "Then… feel me. Feel me and tell me if that's what you want," the low voice said as the white shirt slipped down those broad shoulders.

_What if you're the only one who does?_

His motions paused and he felt his stomach turn at the mere thought that Hoseok was mindlessly acting according to his wishes, doing as he was told because that was what Father had taught him.

"Hoseok, you…" he began and couldn't finish, lips trembling and fingers carefully passing over the bruised skin. He caressed it, leaning in to kiss the spots tenderly in the hope that it might forget the terrible treatment and only remember his tender touch. "What happened to you?"

Instead of a reply, Hoseok shook his head, smiling brightly and it felt out of place next to the blue and red. "It's nothing, don't worry. I'm still warm, I am, you just need to… come closer to me." Inhaling sharply, Hoseok wrapped his arm around his waist and pulled him flush against the burning chest, gasping so loudly in the silence around them.

_He sounds as if it is only the warmth that matters, nothing else._

He shook his head furiously, but didn't loosen his grip on the other boy, nose buried in the crook of his neck. "You dummy," he whispered and began to cover every inch he could see with hot open-mouthed kisses and licks, attempting to make it undone, soothing the bruised skin. "It's not about the warmth, but about you. I care that it's you and you got hurt. Who dared to hurt you? You're precious, so so precious."

“It’s really nothing. Simple… simple consequences and the order of things. Is it strange to you? Do you...not want to touch me anymore, because of this?” the boy asked quietly and the heat of those hands disappeared from his cold skin, just like the muscular body moved back. Hoseok’s delicate fingers hung in the air, unsure where they should be when his gown lay on the floor and his round black eyes were so full of doubt, glancing at the white shirt that pooled at his wrists. He had no idea what just happened, but Hoseok fell to his knees, resting his forehead against his cold thighs as his body remained motionless and the low voice whispered quietly. “It’s- it’s okay, I understand it, you’re right, just... let me make you feel warm again. Please… please, Hyungwon.” 

His eyes widened and the sight hurt so much to see that he choked up, hands immediately grasping for Hoseok's shoulders and face, attempting to make him stand up again, but the other boy resisted.

_What if you are hurting him too?_

"I want to kill him," he whispered and he thought that the cold had already taken all the color from his fingers, but his tight grip made them appear deadly. "I want to kill him for hurting you. I don't care if it was a consequence or if God himself punished you. I want to kill them both then."

_What kind of God allows this?_

“No. You can’t. You’re not like this. I know you wouldn’t hurt anybody. You are the one who got hurt by being with me and you need to feel warm again. It’s my fault. It’s all my fault, so just let me warm you up this once. Just… just once,” the low voice begged him as Hoseok lifted his gaze that was so full of guilt that he held the air inside his lungs until it hurt.

_It's their fault for making the world like this._

"It's not your fault," he murmured, but he knew that the other boy wouldn't believe him. That was the essence of believing, nothing was able to change it unless you decide to do so yourself. "The world is like this, so one needs to try to survive. That's what I do. I'm surviving and being next to you makes it feel like happiness. Of course, you can warm me up. Touch me and I will touch you in return."

_You mustn't hurt him. He has been hurt enough._

Hoseok got back to his feet, limping slightly, before those hot arms wrapped around him, pulling him in an embrace that resembled a burning cage, accompanied by the boy’s ragged breaths, his heart that beat against his own, his scent, his voice. “I don’t want to receive anything… anything from you. I just want you to be warm and sated and alive. You just need to live, that’s enough for me.”

There was so much desperation in every single breath, but he shamelessly basked in the heat, in the feeling of another body. It seemed like forever since somebody dared to touch him, to be this close and have his cool skin against skin. It was shameless because those bruises remained and so did his fear of hurting the other boy, but he couldn't resist the touch, the closeness.

_You are insatiable, just like they say._

"It's not enough for me," he whispered and captured the blazing mouth with his own, licking in between Hoseok's lips and tasting a hint of blood and something as sweet as he imagined a forbidden fruit to taste, the wine on the furthest shelf of the bakery that his fingers were hit for even mentioning in the first place. "Living is not enough for me. I want you."

"You… want me?" Hoseok breathed out and leaned back just enough to look him in the eyes. "But why me? I know nothing, I'm supposed to walk a lonely path that will lead me to salvation, so why do you want me?"

_Pain does not lead to salvation._

"Did you choose it? To walk a lonely path towards God? Is this what you want to do?" His voice sounded angry even though he didn't want it to. It must be his frustration, his personal feelings shining through as none of their paths were chosen by themselves, not even his.

_There is nothing you can choose._

The beautiful boy shook his head slowly, eyes fluttering shut and he observed those curved lips parting to say something. To explain.

"I was told that the path chooses you, and I believed it. I did. Until… suddenly it seemed like the biggest burden of them all."

His fingers curled and uncurled around empty air while his forearms remained resting on Hoseok's naked shoulders. He was hesitating because the other boy was right in calling it a burden, the biggest of them all.

_Birth decides the path and nothing else._

"You know what they call me, don't you? It couldn't have passed you by," he whispered and stared at Hoseok's black gown that had slipped from the tomb stone and pooled on the ground like a patch of pitch.

"I do. But they don't know and they don't understand. They think a white shirt is enough to be a good person, but I know what's underneath theirs and I know what's underneath mine. These blue and red lines on my body won't make me forget it and they won't change my mind about you." He felt the burning touch of those fingers tracing his jaw and lifting it to meet those dark eyes and a breathtaking smile. In the dark it almost seemed that there was no pupil. Just a sea of black looking at him and at him only.

_It's because of you. He got hurt because of being next to you. Somebody must have seen._

"I could be what they see me as, I could, but I'm not," he muttered, finding himself in the same attempts to defend himself that usually led to nothing but rough words and grabby hands. "I work for my food, I try and I'm with you because I like you, not because of your warmth and the things you give me. Do you- do you believe me?"

_Belief matters so much. It's everything when it comes to him._

"Even if you were what they say you are. Even If you asked me to go to the bottom of the ocean with you, I would," Hoseok whispered and leaned in to kiss his lips gently, carefully as if he was someone precious, as if he mattered and mustn't be hurt. "You… you like me? R-really?"

_Weren't you painfully obvious, begging for his attention and his affection?_

He nodded, feeling emotional because not even once had he seen Hoseok lie, not to him. The boy in front of him spoke the truth and a promise like that sent goosebumps from his neck down to his toes.

"I know I'm dirty and you shouldn't be with somebody like me, but I still like you. I'm greedy like that, I want to have you even though you say your mind belongs to God. I want to take you away from him." His arms tightened around the other boy's neck to support his words and he imagined melting into the embrace the way a snowflake did, becoming clear water that stuck to smooth skin instead of a speck of dust.

"You aren't dirty. You're an angel. A real one," the boy exhaled into his ear and stroked his hair over and over again, before he felt those burning lips mouth along his jaw and stopping right next to his ear. "Taking me away… do you think it's possible?"

The words shocked him and he gasped, freezing at first because he knew exactly what it meant. It meant that despite his belief Hoseok didn't want his path, just like him he didn't want the future bestowed upon him and fought against it.

_Even though he has clean clothes and food, everything they say a human needs for happiness. He has all those things but he wants you to take him away._

He thought about his answer, feeling lost because his wishes didn't correspond to the truth. He couldn't take Hoseok away from the warm church and the people who dressed and fed him. He couldn't place the boy in the same circumstances he was in, not Hoseok.

_But you can take him away differently, in the only way you know._

"I can," he replied finally and pressed his lips to the warm neck, applying a little bit of teeth to listen to a hitch in the boy's breaths and a shift in his body. "I can steal away your mind and make it mine."

“It’s with you even when I’m not. The memory of your lips, your eyes… makes me numb to anything else. Even if it’s painful. But I still… I still want to make you feel warm, tell me how, show me how to make you… make you… burn.” Hoseok exhaled the last word, leaning back and lifting his index finger in the air before slowly reaching for his neck and breathing heavily as the hot fingertip brushed a line along his jugular, over his collarbone and down to his nipple.

The touch was so pleasant that he hummed and leaned his head back just a bit, only as much as he allowed himself without losing sight of the expression on the boy's face.

"Is this the first time that you’ve touched somebody?" he asked softly and felt his skin heat up from the thought alone, the image that he was the first person that Hoseok wanted to touch.

“It’s strange, right? But I never ever touched anybody. Not even… myself.” The shy smile looked gorgeous and so genuine and he couldn’t decide whether he felt like bursting from joy or hissing because those touches made him breathless. The burning fingertip followed the outline of his ribs down to his navel, trembling a little. „I think my heart is going to stop beating.”

"It won't, it'll only beat much faster," he whispered in reassurance and couldn't decide what he wanted to do next, how he wanted to show the other boy what touching really meant. He yearned to cover all those marks with touches and kisses, replace the pain with bliss. "Don't be afraid to name it. I want to show you pleasure, Hoseok."

“Pleasure? I’m not sure what you mean, but… if it’s about the fire in the pit of my stomach that seems to pull and everything getting hot and filled with blood...if you mean that… I want to know how to make you feel this way.” The breaths got quicker and it seemed as if the inhales didn’t quite manage to get enough air that was immediately pushed out of those lungs before Hoseok’s fingers stopped at the fabric of his undergarments, hesitantly moving further.

_Oh._

He chewed on his lips, unable to hide his anticipation and how his body responded with a twitch immediately, catching the other boy off guard. He didn't mean to scare him, but at the same time he also didn't possess that much self-control to contain his reactions.

_Nobody can resist pleasure, not if it's fueled by affection._

"It's the one thing everybody wants, but nobody dares to talk about. There is a reason why people like my mother exist, because pleasure is what humans desire the most."

“I think it’s amazing that you had a mother. But… pleasure… I don’t really want it and I never did. I didn’t spend a single thought on this before. I don’t desire pleasure. I desire… I think I desire you,” the boy breathed out, inhaling in an attempt to regulate his messy breathing and letting his warm fingers dance along his thighs. “You are so beautiful, I can’t breathe.”

_He desires you? But then he must not know what it is that he desires._

"When you look at me… what is it that you desire?" he asked softly while feeling unbelievably curious. This was the first time that somebody didn't desire pleasure, to feel good independent of whose hands and lips were touching them. Still holding onto Hoseok's neck, he stepped back until his calves touched the tomb and he dropped on top of it. His hands slid over Hoseok's gorgeous arms and their fingers intertwined as he observed the expression on the boy's face. "What would you like to do?"

"I want… I want to see bliss on your face," the low voice breathed out, fingers briefly brushing up his thigh, accompanied by Hoseok's dark gaze that was full of curiosity. "I want you to burn the way I did."

He smiled, cheeks gaining color as if they had never been cold before and fingers following the path along his own thigh until he reached Hoseok's fingertips. Leading them just a little higher, he stopped at the bit of fabric that kept his undergarments around his narrow hips.

"Would you like to see?" he asked and the silence was so absolute that his heart seemed to beat like the church bells, loud enough to echo across the city.

"Would you believe me, if I said no?" Hoseok asked back, voice shaky, just like those breaths and the warm hand that he was slowly leading over the seam of the fabric. "I can lie to myself so well, but I'm unable to lie to you."

"And if it's you speaking I believe it, but I doubt everything else so much," he replied and lifted his right leg just enough to brush his toes over Hoseok's pants, the thin fabric that still managed to contain so much warmth. A glance towards the marks on the boy's chest made him wonder what else might have been hiding below the fabric, what other means of punishment Father might have dared to use.

_You hate him._

"Are you afraid because you want to see?" he asked this time, scared that Hoseok was going to confess and welcome punishment instead of hiding it and saving himself. The way he should.

_The way both of you should. It's a secret that cannot be shared with anybody. Not even God himself._

"I'm not afraid because I want to see. I'm afraid to know what happens after I do. Where will my thoughts be, my hands, my lips, my body? Will it be able to take the consequences? I'm scared because I don't seem to care about anything at all right now. Nothing, but you."

_The consequences of closeness. Crossing a border, the first time makes it easier the second time._

He nodded because he understood. He knew what it was like, how having tasted Hoseok's lips once made it impossible to resist them a second and a third time. Even now he struggled to remain seated instead of wrapping his arms around the other boy and make him forget his name. But he needed to make sure Hoseok was safe.

_With you. His thoughts and body will be with you then._

"Don't tell anyone," he whispered and wrapped his fingers around Hoseok's, squeezing them. "You can't. Not even the Lord."

"He knows everything, but maybe…" The boy let out a shaky exhale and leaned forward, resting his forehead against his. "Maybe he's given up on me."

_It matters to him, you know that it does._

"No," he murmured and shook his head as his arms wrapped tightly around Hoseok's body, fingers stroking over his hair. "There is nobody without sin and yours is the least of them all."

_But you cannot promise anything because you are a boy. You know that it's not the same._

He wasn't lying, but he wasn't speaking the truth either. He didn't know, because the rules were created by others, sin was defined by others and the world they lived in considered his feelings towards the boy in front of him the worst sin of them all.

_Love._

***

“Do you believe me?”

Those words made him shake his head, but not because he didn’t believe the boy in front of him who insisted on standing bare in front of him in the cold catacombs, trying to prove to him that he wasn’t what others considered him to be. It was because he believed him more than he believed himself, more than Hyungwon believed in himself.

His belief was strong enough to remain standing in front of Father, no matter how much pain coursed through his body, how much those words hurt, accusing the person that mattered the most to him of things that made his skin crawl in disgust. ‘It’s not true,' he had muttered and it increased the time he had to remain standing with swollen skin and burning hands that curled into fists so tightly that his muscles spasmed.

Righteousness. Did it mean that somebody did everything necessary to remain in the right? That a certain somebody used pain and suffering to prove a point of his own, just to remain in the right, because the skin was broken and that must’ve meant that there was a reason for it to be?

_A consequence._

How could there be any justice in punishment against the principles of the church? He helped another person, that was the only thing Father knew, nothing more. Everything else had been an assumption. An assumption that made him understand that no matter what happened, the loser had already been determined and it wasn’t him. It was the angel-like boy with big eyes and a bright smile. The boy who was unlucky, being born into a drawer that nobody in his proximity bothered to open and examine the contents of.

_But you keep pulling it open, bit after bit and every single thing inside makes your heart jump and your skin itch in anticipation._

His shoulders hurt and his sides hurt. His knees hurt and his thighs hurt too, but nothing hurt more than to feel that the golden skin lost its color, resembling a silverish grey and lacking blood. Nothing hurt more than those wide eyes glancing at him and the shock at the state his body was in. Was it unattractive? Did he need to be attractive? What was attractive in the first place?

Maybe Father had known about it and tried to break it. To break his body so those big hands wouldn’t touch him.

_How much can he break you?_

To his own surprise they did, they touched and they pulled him closer and he begged to be saved from everything. From the pain, from the tunnel that was so narrow that he was only able to run in one direction, following a path he had never chosen. He begged to be taken away, whatever that meant. To be in a place where only Hyungwon and him existed without the different clothes they had to wear, without their past, their paths, without their respective drawers that weren’t compatible because they were part of furniture standing in different houses on opposite sides of the city.

“When you look at me. What is it that you desire?” the black-haired boy asked, leaning his hips against the stones and leading his hand to the seam of his thin undergarments.

The answer was easy and at the same insufficient. The answer was: everything. The answer was: everything that was possible between them. Everything that was, everything that happened right now and everything that could ever be. He wanted it all, desired it all, as long as it was with the person that wrapped their slim arms around his neck. The person that slowly started warming up, cheeks colored in a soft pink and lips regaining their dark color.

_Anybody who considers it sin, doesn’t know beauty._

Maybe God had given up on him because there was no use. How could he be a faithful believer if he couldn't do the basics, the prayers, the rules? He couldn't do any of them without his mind belonging to somebody else.

'You don't need anybody because God loves you,' Father had told him after another wave of pain covered his body.

_God loves you._

But what if he loved someone else?

What if there was a black-haired boy with big hands and thick lips, with a low voice and a round nose? A boy who likes him.

_He… likes you._

A hiss passed between his parted lips as Hyungwon's fingers pushed into one of the bruises, but he couldn't blame him. There were too many of them covering his body.

"I will never tell anyone," he whispered, chewing on his lips that were cracked on the side and the taste of blood reminded him of his school days. "I'm aware that it's my fault, but I know that nobody will care because my shirt is white. It's white, but it's on the floor and I'm here… and… I want to see."

"It's our fault," the black-haired boy whispered and used his hands to pull at his undergarments and uncover a prominent hip bone along with fine hair that appeared a little below his navel. "Because we feel this way."

_You feel this way and you can't fight it. You don't want to fight it._

"It- feels like I'm about to pass out," he breathed out, ignoring the cold that slipped through his skin and pulled on his bruises, making his body ache, but the sight of Hyungwon's golden skin, every new piece uncovered, made it seem like he was breathing fire and creating fire inside his stomach.

"That's probably because all the blood is rushing south," the low voice remarked with a soft chuckle until it suddenly faded away and the motion that uncovered inch after inch of skin paused. "Are you… in pain? Should I be more careful? I don't want to hurt you, Hoseok."

"I'm familiar with pain. You aren't hurting me. You're making me burn, even though I wanted to do the same for you. Is it… because I don't know how to touch you?" He wanted to see bliss on those features, more blush on the golden cheeks and no thoughts, but his lack of knowledge made him hesitant.

Hyungwon shook his head and a bit more blush colored his cheeks as he resumed pulling his undergarments down his hips by using his hands, tugging at it and observing his face intently.

"I'm excited because you don't know," the other boy admitted and smiled. "Because that means you really want me and not the feeling that I can provide. I want to see what your hands and lips want to do, how you will look at me even though I'm just myself. I also won't hurt you if you are the one who chooses how to touch me."

_The feeling that he can provide? He won't hurt you. But you knew. Just -_

"But what if I hurt you? I can't!" The thought was so scary to him that his hand froze in place even when Hyungwon tugged at it. "Maybe I should only embrace you, that I know how to do and you will be warm. It's- it's safe."

Hyungwon's gaze changed, getting a little darker and the grip on his wrists got just a little tighter in an attempt to lead him.

"Are you going to hit me? Touch me when I say no?" The other boy didn't wait for his reply, his face must have said it all. "Then what are you afraid of? You are the only one I want to touch me, but here you are hesitating. I know you don't want to make a mistake, but my head knows something different. I have ears, I know what people say and as soon as there is hesitation I hear it in my head."

_You are hurting him with your fear._

"Show me," he whispered, relaxing his wrist and gently brushing his middle and index finger over the prominent hip bone. "Show me so I have more of you I can like."

The slim body in front of him relaxed and he realized how tense the flat stomach next to his fingers had been.

Hyungwon inhaled slowly and held his gaze, a beautiful chestnut brown that used the minimal light in the catacombs to provide him with his own reflection. He observed as more fabric was replaced by skin, how the fine line of hair got thicker as it travelled towards the other boy's groin. Hyungwon's long fingers left white marks on his thighs that faded away after a few seconds, revealing that he used too much strength and some tension must have remained. He expected to see the other boy's penis filled out, but it didn't look much different from his own, only a bit less in size and thickness. A light brown birthmark was right at the transition from thigh to groin, reminding him of a small cloud.

"I'm sorry," Hyungwon murmured and shifted on top of the cold stones. "Expected rejection does that to me. That might also be why I'm not made for what people expect of me."

First, he didn't register any of the words the boy murmured, staring his way from Hyungwon's thighs to his groin, travelling over the slim waist and chest to his neck and finally meeting the big eyes. "Rejection?" he muttered, licking over his dry lips. "What- are you talking about?" Fact was that it was incredibly cold and he had prepared blankets to sit on but didn't spread them, forcing Hyungwon to sit on the cold stones, naked and vulnerable and so beautiful that it took his breath away. "Sit on the blanket, don't… don't just use the stones," he whispered, messily spreading one of the thicker blankets next to Hyungwon's narrow hips

"I really can't predict you." Hyungwon observed him at first before carefully climbing on top of the blanket. His legs spread just a little as he leaned back on his palms while chewing on his lips. "I meant that… I thought you might not like what you see because I always wear the same clothes and the place I sleep is cold and damp and since I don't eat a lot there isn't much to grab either. I think all that and then the blood spreads differently. I started worrying."

"The only thing I was thinking about was that I want to know how it feels. How it might feel to have your skin against mine without anything else in the way," he breathed out and stepped to the side, pulling himself up on the tomb and sitting on the edge of the blanket, legs spread and staring between them. "I want to know how to make you forget those thoughts, but it seems like I'm stimulating them."

"You're not," Hyungwon replied immediately and inhaled loudly through his teeth. A hand reached out for his and pulled it from his own thigh towards the other boy's naked one until it reached velvety skin and brushed over something firm. His eyes followed the motion, remaining between those golden thighs endlessly, staring at his fingers and the way they brushed over the slightly darker skin.

"I can't think," he inhaled, pushing one sharp exhale after another out of his lungs and unable to stop the motions of his fingers because he was afraid to break the way those lips parted. "I want… to feel you."

Hyungwon gasped and his legs spread a little wider as he leaned back on his left elbow while still trying to hold onto his hand. The boy's fingers remained around his wrist and pulled to have it closer, hinting at a sliding motion as he held his breath as if to keep quiet.

He wanted to hear more of it, all of it, hiding like a secret behind those closed lips and he wanted to reveal it, to embrace it and bask in the way it sounded. Biting down on his bottom lip and tasting blood, he wrapped his fingers around the shaft and tried to find out what it was that he was supposed to do. A sliding motion, some pressure of his hand, his fingers, all of it felt unclear to him, but he wanted to know the sound of the secret.

As soon as his fingers brushed over the wet tip, the other boy's body jerked briefly, followed by a sound that was so much richer and more vivid than he had imagined. Hyungwon moaned and used his left hand to grab the blanket and keep himself in place.

The blood rushed to his groin and he felt it pulling inside his lower stomach, his hand attempted to move more, hear more and it somehow felt as if the boy was too far away from him. "Why don't you… come here," he breathed out, patting his thighs and swallowing from the nervousness and the possible outcome of his request.

Hyungwon nodded several times as his body seemed to act all on its own, right leg smoothly lifting in the air and covering his lap. Hands tried to reach for him, caressing his arms on the way to his neck until they finally wrapped around it and lips met his own. "Touch me more," the gorgeous boy gasped and narrowed his thighs around his own.

What was wrong with him? Why did it feel like too much and not enough at the same time? His fingers returned between Hyungwon's legs and he used the other one to wrap around the slim waist and pull those hips closer. So close that he broke the skin on his bottom lip when the boy's behind slid over his own groin.

Suddenly the lightest of touches felt stimulating, made him gasp for air and involuntarily tighten his fingers around Hyungwon's manhood, feel the blood filling it more just like it seemed that the same was happening to his own.

He leaned forward, attaching his lips to the boy's neck, his collarbones and chest, closing his mouth around a nipple because he wanted to taste it, to feel every single bit of skin with his lips.

Soft moans were filling the air, no louder than breaths but so much richer with everything that the other boy must have been feeling. Hands grasped to hold him tighter, brushing over his shoulders and arms, careful around his bruises until they reached his pants and fumbled with the fabric and the buttons at the waistband.

"Let me-" Hyungwon muttered and tried to slip the fabric down his hips. When it didn't work because of the weight on his thighs, the other boy let his fingers dance over his groin on top of the fabric, making his thighs quiver.

He felt breathless, fueled by greed to hear more sounds, to burn in the flames that lived inside his stomach and he felt scared. Scared that there might have been something wrong with him, with his body, with his reactions to those gorgeous big hands that undid the buttons one by one, the sound that left his lips in response to the sensation of Hyungwon's fingertips that made his eyes roll back.

"Is this how I die?" he muttered. "I… really want to die like this. If this is considered a punishment I want to be punished all the time. By your hands."

A low chuckle entered his ears as cool fingers reached the skin of his groin below his undergarments and stroked over it. His legs trembled in response and he inhaled so sharply that his stomach tensed and Hyungwon leaned in to press a kiss to his chest.

"It's not punishment," the other boy murmured and tugged at his wrist, reminding him to move his hand as all thoughts were lost as soon as there was the smallest of touches. "This is pleasure."

_Pleasure. It's what makes him feel warm._

"What do I have to do… to hear more of your voice? The low sound you only make when I'm touching you."

He was breathless himself, unable to think a clear thought. His fingers tightened and he moved his hand faster, greedy to catch every breath, the blush covering Hyungwon's bare skin and the weight of his body on his thighs that made him dizzy. "Show me how I can make you feel more pleasure. All the pleasure there is."

"This is perfect," Hyungwon replied and tugged at the buttons of his pants one more time, finally loosening them enough to pull the fabric down his hips and wrap all of his fingers around his length. The touch sent what felt like lightning down his spine, only to center in his middle and make him breathless.

A smile was on the other boy's face as he captured his lips and climbed closer on top of his thighs, letting their lengths brush against each other and releasing one of the most beautiful sounds he ever heard into their kiss.

The big palm stroked over his own and carefully removed his fingers from the velvety skin. At first, he thought he must have done something wrong, but then Hyungwon's long fingers wrapped around them both and began to slip up and down, rubbing a thumb over their tips with every single stroke.

He didn't know what to do with his thoughts, with his mouth that made sounds so uncharacteristic of him that he remembered Father telling him about the devil possessing believers. Maybe he was possessed, but he couldn't care less right now, not when his hands travelled over the smooth skin of Hyungwon's thighs as his own hips stuttered, wanting to move, to get more of the touches, like a hungry animal stretching out its tongue for more. His breaths hitched when his fingertips drew the curve of the boy's narrow hips, his behind and his spine, so warm and pulling him further into a world he didn't know about. The world of sensations only Hyungwon was able to show him.

"Take me. Take me and keep me to yourself," he said and he really wanted it.

“Shh,” the beautiful boy whispered and slowed his strokes, as if to make him feel the heat of every single flame that danced over his skin and spread throughout his body, a vase that was filled with drops of pleasure, one after the other until it finally overflowed. “Focus on my fingers, the warmth that pools in your middle. That is pleasure, the one thing I really know how to provide. Can you…”

The strokes got faster again and Hyungwon moaned himself, unable to finish his sentence for a few more strokes as his thighs kept contracting. “Can you feel it, Hoseok?”

"I can feel you. You are making me feel," he whispered, trying to release the pressure inside his muscles into desperate open-mouthed kisses against Hyungwon's burning neck, into bites against his shoulder to muffle a low moan that left his mouth. "You are… you are talking as if pleasure exists independent of you, but for me there can only be pleasure if there is you." He used the grip around the boy's waist to pull him even closer to himself, to inhale the scent that made him dizzy, breathe those shaky exhales because they made him feel alive and felt so much better than air. "It's not about the pressure of fingers. It's because they're yours. I… I am like this because of you," he mumbled through the dizziness, through the throbbing pleasure in his groin.

_You don't know what will happen to you._

It was scary. His lack of awareness, the dizziness, the way his body wanted more, was needy and ready to act to gain satisfaction. What if he couldn't stop? What if he did something that Hyungwon didn't want? He couldn't even feel the agonizing pulling that had burned his skin only a few minutes ago. His bruises lost the perception of pain even though Hyungwon sat on top of them, shifted on them, but he sat there and couldn't feel anything but those fingers.

_You have no control._

His hand reached for Hyungwon's wrist and stopped it before he exploded, before his body decided to separate from his mind for good, before it was too late.

"You know what happens to you when the pleasure is at the tip of your tongue. You know, so leave me… like this and I will touch you until you don't want me anymore." He wrapped his hand around Hyungwon's burning length and breathed heavily as his thumb spread moisture and his grip tightened in a sliding motion, up and down.

He could tell that the other boy wanted to resist at first, that he tried to rearrange his grip and hold them both again, but his fingers must have felt too good. Hyungwon's lips parted and his eyes fluttered shut as he moaned beautifully and held onto his shoulders instead. The buzzing pleasure the other boy spoke of was still there, but he could still control it this way, knew of his body's motions and how his fingers impacted the slim thighs on top of him.

"You're breathtaking. Maybe that's why my body wants to have all of you, twitching and turning like a hungry animal," he breathed out, increasing the speed of his strokes and allowing his lips to taste more of the boy, the sweet scent of his skin, the taste of pleasure behind the small ear and along the golden neck, bared for him.

"It's-" Hyungwon began, but he didn't have enough air to finish, whole body shaking as long fingers suddenly wrapped around his own and increased the speed of his strokes, one, another until the boy's hips stuttered, his voice broke amidst a moan and hot liquid spilled over his fingers and down their thighs.

"Bloody hell," Hyungwon hissed as he struggled to catch his breath, big eyes observing him through barely lifted eyelids.

"Good Lord," he whispered, slowly lowering his gaze and staring at his hand. His pale fingers around Hyungwon's burning length, covered in sticky liquid and instead of shock, instead of remorse, there was a spark in his groin, his own pulsating thickness twitching visibly next to his hand.

_You can't be forgiven. Not if there is nothing but him on your mind. Him and sin. Not if this is what you want and what you desire._

"Why-" Hyungwon began and inhaled a few more times, visibly still affected by the way he felt, thighs flexing repeatedly. "Why only me?"

The boy's eyes roamed over his own body and the whiteness on his palm, pausing for a few seconds. "We don't have anything to clean, so…"

Hyungwon reached for his wrist and lifted his hand into the air, lips immediately closing around his digits and licking the liquid from them.

"I have to keep you safe. From me." His eyes widened and a breathy moan echoed around them when Hyungwon's lips sucked on his index finger. It sounded needy and desperate and so honest.

"From you?" Hyungwon laughed right after cleaning liquid from another finger of his and sucking a little longer this time. "You're the only person I don't have to save myself from."

_He doesn't know._

There was something nonchalant about how the other boy sat there on his lap, naked and with blush covering his whole body this time. It seemed like being next to each other had been enough to make those plump lips red and as if what they did had no consequences at all. It was only the two of them, being close in the dark of the catacombs below the church.

"You're mistaken. You don't know what's going on with my body, how it affects my mind and what… what it wants to do. To you." He pulled his hands away and started fumbling with the fabric around his hips, trying to hide his arousal. "You are naive and pure. Like an angel. Blissful, beautiful and unaware. Just let me… put this back on."

Hyungwon stared at him without saying a single word, lips busy licking the last drop of his own release from his fingers. He didn't see what the other boy was doing with his hands, he only felt them once they stopped his own from closing the buttons of his pants and stroked along the visible outline of his length.

"You are sweet, Hoseok. As sweet as a plum grown in the warmest of summers."

"Sweet? N-no. I think… I might be able to calm down if you… if you stop… yo- your fingers," he babbled, trying to distract himself from everything. From the beautiful naked body on his lap, from the weight that shifted, from those fingers that knew how to touch him to make all thoughts stop and from Hyungwon's intoxicating scent that filled his nose and made him want to lick it from the golden skin.

_Why is it overwhelming you all of a sudden? Remember the teacher in Catholic school? He showed you, but you were only disgusted and prayed for him, nothing more. But look at you now…_

_And he probably thinks you're holding back because you don't like him._

"Do you think I'm rejecting you?" he asked, lifting his gaze to those big eyes and beautiful rosy cheeks. Hyungwon looked like an angel, like those paintings of young Jesus with the white fabric over his slim body. He shouldn't have been in the cold catacombs, but in a warm, made bed, getting all the sleep he wants and being fed scones first thing in the morning. "I'm not. I'm really not. I'm trying to reject myself."

He knew that Hyungwon would probably try to continue proving him wrong or try to take the fear and maybe the beautiful boy could have, but he simply couldn't do it.

_You can't._

Wrapping his hand around the boy's wrist, he lifted it to his lips, kissing the warm knuckles one by one until those big eyes met his. "I guess it feels strange to you. To be… with somebody who suddenly pulls back and doesn't make sense with his explanations."

He used his right hand to pull the fabric higher, covering his length and looked up again, chewing on his lips, scared that he might be breaking something. "I know it…," he whispered. "I do. But you need to let me."


	9. Snow, flowers and the paradise of skin and water

Metallic clutter on cold stone echoed through the small bakery and he winced as soon as his eyes fell on the black tray he had dropped. His back curled and he pulled his arms closer towards his body, expecting a sharp sensation of pain, like a reflex, but it didn't come.

_Because you are alone._

His body remained frozen in place for a few more seconds, only daring to inhale once as he confirmed that he was indeed alone. The black discolored clock above the oven showed midnight and there was nobody in the bakery but him at that time. It was his responsibility to clean everything up and prepare it for the next day.

Inhaling the slightly warmer air, he quickly picked up the tray and returned it to its spot on a shelf, index finger attempting to rub off flour stains. He chuckled after a glance at his new pants that hugged his legs and kept them warm. The tray was clean, but his new clothes were covered in flour, big patches remaining on both his shirt and pants, even his shoes. Somehow flour stains were the only ones that felt different, as if they erased instead of covering him, purified instead of sullying. The white reminded him of the fabric that remained around his thigh, reminded him that no matter what had happened between him and the boy in the black gown, there was a moment he cared enough to get in trouble for him, get hurt just like he had.

His fingers curled and uncurled a few times, showing the marks of a stick with which he was punished for being late. He had to be at the bakery before sunrise, but the way back from the catacombs and the church had taken longer, long enough for him to deserve the punishment.

_Does he think that way too? That he deserved his punishment?_

His lips disappeared in his mouth as he glanced outside onto the pitch-black street, yearning to run up the hill towards the church again and get closure, to abandon the worries that appeared the more time passed. His body still remembered the touch, the urgency with which Hoseok had caressed and pleasured him, but how could urgency be defeated so easily? Denied when no other human he’d ever met had been able to deny the pleasures of the flesh.

There must have been something he disliked, feared.

_Scorned._

Even before, he had counted every single day until he was able to meet the beautiful boy again, the boy who was kind enough to bring him food and take care of him. The days had felt endless like weeks, while weeks had felt like months.

_But now every day is an eternity without him._

Was it his fear of rejection? He had experienced it before, knew that his background was often reason enough to reject him and the affection he offered. But Hoseok hadn't been like that, he had embraced him and his desire had been obvious, so thick in the air that he could have tasted it if only he stretched out his tongue.

_It wasn't the desire, it was the outcome._

He shouldn't have been surprised, neither by the pale hands carefully returning all those thick layers, nor by the excuses of it not being rejection, not because of him.

_Is it ever not because of you?_

His fingers trembled around the next tray and he put it down, too afraid of dropping it as well and alarming somebody nearby, pulling their attention to his mistakes. He couldn't afford any more mistakes, not if he wanted to keep his chance to go up to the church, even if only to look at Hoseok from afar.

_You understand, you do._

Even without faith it must have seemed wrong to the other boy. It was wrong to be with him, to touch him the way he did and to feel the way they had. It was improper, for Hoseok's status, and for the role that had been chosen for him. He had spoken of celibacy and wasn't Hoseok still celibate by rejecting pleasure for himself, or was being the one to please also the devil's work? He didn't know and he couldn't answer these questions. He hadn't been able to answer them for himself and he never could for somebody who believed and accepted punishment for going against his own beliefs.

_Are you making him suffer by being next to you?_

The thought was terrifying and he hated Father for being the source of it, for making Hoseok feel terrible about what felt like salvation to him. His salvation appeared to be the other boy's demise and he couldn't bear it.

_You have to hurry or you won't have enough time to see his face._

Inhaling deeply, he emptied his mind and got to work, cleaning and stacking trays, preparing dough and sweeping the floors. Only when everything was done and he had about four hours until he had to return, did he dare to think of the boy he yearned to see.

_Will he still be the same or have you changed him? You have seen men change before._

His feet carried him up the hill even before he made the decision to go. It didn't matter whether Hoseok had changed, even seeing his face was enough, observing him for a little longer and remembering the way those hands had felt on him, how they desired him and struggled to let go.

_What if he sees you and how quickly you dirtied the clothes he gave you? What if he thinks you really are what everybody takes you for?_

The son of a whore.

His feet ran faster, sinking into the wet earth on the path towards the church. The snow had disappeared along with the moment they shared, as if it had been pure before they sullied it with their closeness, with the feelings he wasn't allowed to have.

The cold numbed the cut skin on his fingers and he welcomed it as he ran, eyes closing and lungs focusing on the freezing air alone. In the dark he was a nobody, a shadow that nobody cares about. A shadow that could come close enough to observe, to see the silhouette of the boy he loved as he entered a small chapel in the middle of the night.

_This should already be enough for you._

He could have recognized him anywhere, no matter the darkness. He hurried after the other boy, careful not to make too much noise and stopped in front of a window at first, peeking inside while his knees got wet from the cold grass.

Hoseok had this elegant way of moving, head high and back straight, making it seem as if the world lay to the boy's feet, the feet that walked one step at a time before they stopped in front of the cross. A few moments passed. Hoseok lit a candle, watching the flame painting shadows on the walls and he enjoyed observing those shadows on the boy's handsome face, the change in facial expressions, wondering what thoughts he might have been thinking. But as usual, he had no access and the dark eyes disappeared from his sight as he heard Hoseok drop to his knees and close his eyes, hands wrapping around the black fabric of his gown tightly instead of folding into the characteristic position of prayer.

_Is he in pain?_

His eyes widened and he was just about to scramble to his feet and run when he remembered. Remembered that the other boy was rarely alone and as much as he yearned to be right there, wrapping around Hoseok's gown instead of those arms, there was another person, a man, who did everything in his power to keep him as far away as possible.

_Father will hurt him if he is seen with you again._

Biting his lips, he remained in place, listening intently to what was happening around him, whether there were steps, voices, anything. At the same time, he couldn't look away, eyes fixated on Hoseok's beautiful profile, how near he seemed despite being far away.

_You would only have to walk through those chapel doors, no more._

The image seemed simple, but reality was not. Hoseok hadn't come to him, not even once and even though he told himself it must have been Father keeping him from it… there was still a voice in his head telling him otherwise.

_Because you went too far, showed him too much. You must be sin to him, detestable._

'The devil,' he mouthed and curled his fists, wondering if that was what Hoseok yearned to protect himself from, embracing his body instead of folding his hands to pray.

_Instead of embracing you._

His thoughts went deeper, but the person he was thinking about stayed on his knees, mouthing words he couldn't decipher with his eyes closed, covered by thick black fabric up to his neck, as if to hide from him. To hide the gorgeous, muscular body he had seen a glimpse of, the desire in those eyes, the smooth skin he wanted to touch. It almost seemed as if God was trying to hide all the good things from him.

_You don't need a God like that._

He reached out and let his fingers scratch over the window, imagining if he simply broke it, destroyed the barrier of glass and with it the nonphysical barrier that kept him from having what he wanted, from wrapping his arms around the boy kneeling before the altar.

_From being happy._

The sound of his nails wasn't loud enough for the beautiful face to look up. It remained turned away from him, focused on something that only made him miserable, resulting in bruises on the boy's body and doubts on his mind.

_You cannot let that something have him. You can't._

His knees were soaked and his fingers had become numb from sitting outside in the cold, but he forced himself to stand up and move towards the entrance of the chapel. His doubts and fears were still there, the possibility of somebody seeing him, catching him getting close to Hoseok again, but he couldn't resist, not when the other boy was so close, so close to touch but begging for salvation where there was none.

_Can't you be his salvation?_

His fingers fumbled with the door, once, twice until he finally opened it, as silently as he could as a little bit of cold air entered the space along with him. The chapel must have known, felt who he was as a sensation of dread centered in his middle, but he ignored it. He had a purpose.

_To take back what is yours._

At first his steps were slow, making their way in between wooden benches towards the kneeling figure at the end, the black gown he yearned to rip off since he had seen it pool on stone the first time.

His steps got faster and faster, turning into a run as he finally dropped to the floor and wrapped his arms around the body in front of him. Nausea travelled up his throat along with fear, but he resisted it, held on as tightly as he was able to before finally breaking the silence.

"I won't allow _Him_ to have you."

He heard the boy inhale sharply, felt the body froze in his arms, as if time stopped around them and not a single sound disrupted the absolute silence covered in stone.

"Am I insane?" the low voice breathed out, body still immobile in his arms and muscles flexing briefly against his grip.

"Maybe we are the only ones who aren't," he murmured in reply and loosened his grip just enough to brush over Hoseok's shoulders, caress them instead of constraining him the way the chapel constrained them.

"I was sent an angel who smells like cream scones," Hoseok whispered and he heard a smile in the unusual words. A smile he couldn't see. "How- have you been?"

"Lonely," he replied and meant it. Having the other boy in his arms and feeling a firm heartbeat reminded him of what the word salvation meant. A single entity, something that made all the suffering before it endurable, maybe even worth it. If Hoseok was the gift for everything that happened to him, then it had been worth it. "But next to you it seems like I can finally breathe."

Hoseok inhaled deeply, as if following his words and trying to understand how it felt. "I'm not sure what's real anymore and my thoughts don't make any sense but having asked for a sign and inhaling your scent right after makes me want to turn around and open my eyes. Maybe… there's really you and it's your cold hands that make it seem as if I'm caught in this winter forever."

_Are you the one who keeps him caught? Does he wish to free himself or to be with you?_

"Look at me," he whispered and loosened his grip further. "Look at me and tell me what you want."

Hoseok shifted on his knees and turned around, meeting his gaze and torturing him with the sight of his beautiful face without giving him an answer, only observing with those round eyes.

Suddenly, the boy looked past him and moved so fast that he barely followed, putting out the two single candles with his bare hands and covering them in complete darkness. Hoseok's burning fingers curled around his wrist, pulling him to his feet and leading him away. He stumbled over the stones and let out a sound of surprise when he heard a door, another door and suddenly felt the heat of the boy's body pushing him against a cold wall. "Shh. There is someone," the whisper hit the shell of his ear, and heated up his body.

_Hiding away in dark rooms within a chapel it is then._

He would have said his sarcastic remark out loud, had he not been utterly terrified of the prospect of somebody discovering them while at the same time ecstatic to be so close. Hoseok was warm, even through his black gown and having those lips close to his ear made him want to turn and have them against his own instead.

_You cannot be found, especially not this close._

As Hoseok predicted, there were sounds that seemed quite uncharacteristic for a chapel. A woman's laugh and a low voice that might have belonged to a man, suggestive intonation, the rustling of clothes.

_Pleasure, the one thing no human can resist._

"Are you cold?" Hoseok asked quietly and put his arm around his waist, between the wall and his lower back.

"Yes," he lied, wondering if lying in church was like digging his own grave. At the same time there were no consequences for the man and woman succumbing to lust behind several thin doors to their right. "Embrace me."

"I want to be burning hot so you will never have to be cold again," the boy whispered in reply and turned them, pressing his own back against the wall and wrapping both arms around him instead.

_If only he knew how much he already makes you burn._

"What happened to your hands?" Hoseok used his index finger to carefully trace the lines on the back of his hand.

"I was late," he replied truthfully and only belatedly realized that he didn't know what time it was. It was dark, so there was still enough time to be together. He couldn't leave yet, not when they were so close, breathing the same air and with lips only inches away from his own.

_How does he make you so breathless?_

"How dare they touch you?" the low voice hissed and he got scared at first, thinking that the sound belonged to somebody else, and only belatedly realizing that it was Hoseok all along. It was the first time that he heard anger spilling from those lips. "Would you like… to bathe before going back to work? It's really good to relax sore muscles. Father is staying out overnight. I still have some bacon left so you could have a meal too."

_He would let you have a bath in the house?_

At first, he didn't know what to say, lips parting and no sound coming out. Once he finally found the strength to agree without making his happiness and excitement obvious, the silence was broken by rather vivid moans, stemming from the couple that had entered the chapel after them.

"I-" he began and swallowed, thoughts running wild on what taking a bath in a real home meant, a home with warm water, with a tub.

_With Hoseok._

"I- yes. But will it be alright? I don't want you to get in trouble," he finally forced out, talking a little louder because of the noises surrounding them. His thoughts were running wild and he felt it through the warmth in his cheeks and body. Was the other boy aware of what it meant, of the implications?

"Over the years, Father has never returned earlier than expected. It's the least I can do. You were hurt because of me too." Again, the soft fingertips danced over the back of his hand and Hoseok carefully stepped away from the wall. It was intense not to see each other and only feel everything in the dark. "I hate it."

_Just like you hate the consequences he had to suffer._

"The baker gives me food and a warm place to sleep. If I am late, he has the right to punish me." The tender touch felt good and he let his hand follow to keep the other boy close, know where he was. Hoseok must have had a reason to invite him, to offer him a bath this time. He-

_Since when are you so naive?_

"Oh," he whispered and tried to put a little more distance between them. "Why didn't I think of it? I- bloody hell, you must be so disgusted."

"W-what?" Only when the stutter sounded close to his ear, did he realize that those lips had been right next to his neck, vibrating briefly before he felt a hint of the boy's hot tongue, licking over them. "Why should I be disgusted? With myself? I- maybe I should… but the feeling just isn't strong enough to- to matter."

_It's not you?_

"With me," he muttered, caught off guard and confused because the boy who had just hinted that he should take a bath decided to kiss his neck and be close and- it felt too sweet not to let him. His hands grabbed for the black gown and held onto it, keeping Hoseok close. "I don't understand. Why else- why else would you want me to take a bath? Isn't it because I'm dirty?"

"Dirty? You? No!" the boy muttered before they listened to another wave of very obvious sounds that forced the warm fingers to dig into his waist a little. "It's because you deserve to just sit in water and let it surround you and soothe your aching muscles after a long work day. At least- at least that's what I thought. Is it strange? Am I strange?"

_He's sweet, oh so sweet._

Had it been anybody else, he might have doubted the truthfulness of those words. But Hoseok was so genuine, pure, desperate in the way his hands held onto him. The implications of a bath, of his naked body submerged in water next to the boy he desired must be unknown to Hoseok.

"It's not strange," he replied quietly and leaned in to speak his next words against Hoseok's curved lips. He wanted to kiss, cover that mouth with his own and have no other thoughts, no matter if they were in a Chapel or not. "It's sweet, Hoseok. As sweet as honey, as your lips. Kiss me."

It truly felt surreal to be covered by absolute darkness, by those sounds of pleasure crawling under the doors of the chapel. It was unreal to have the boy who had rejected their closeness, be so close to him, to exhale hot air against his cracked lips and to lean in, lean in and taste, suck on them as if they were the most delicious candy in the world. As if there were no worlds between them, no sins and no God.

***

The darkness prevailed along with the cold that crept through his thick gown and caused his fingers to become numb in minutes, a powerful companion that locked him in eternal winter, or at least so it seemed.

He didn’t mind winter and he never had. The cold, the numbness had been welcoming to him before, a helping hand in keeping his mind and body in a state of continuous dissociation with itself and the world around him. It was good for him and it was good for the church.

_You are on your way to God, they said, when you kneeled in front of the cross for hours and hours, unable to feel your limbs or anything living. Have you been living? Are you now?_

As so often, he found himself kneeling in front of the cross with his eyes closed, with the cold creeping from his knees to his arms and curling around his neck, the only spot that wasn’t covered. He kneeled, but it almost seemed as if a different person had been holding the same position with his body, a position that he wasn’t aware of being in before. Now, he was aware of every single thought that passed his mind, every time his lips should’ve been asking for forgiveness, but asked for clarity instead, for anything, a sign.

_Just a sign. Because you aren’t able to decide for yourself. You have no experience to judge by, like an empty leather bag one would use to put their soul in._

He only needed a sign, a confirmation that it was okay for him to give in to the desires that messed up his thoughts and not be afraid to hold onto that thin shining cord hanging loosely around his wrist, a feeling accompanying the needs of his flesh. It was hard to explain what the cord was like, but if he had to, it was the most genuine, gentle kind of thread, made of life, out of the need to protect, to be close, to care, to see, to feel, woven out of the pure and intense feeling of only being able to breathe if the one holding that thread also was. If Hyungwon was.

How could it be wrong, if nothing has ever felt more right?

He had asked for a sign, like a coward who wanted to shift responsibility, and the sign appeared, pulling him closer and holding him in a tight grip that smelled like cream scones and the feeling of being alive. Of experiencing what it meant to breathe for the first time since he started thinking.

The sign asked him questions, held onto him with its long fingers that were covered in bruises, in cuts, in another one of his first times. His first time of actually experiencing the wish to hurt another person for what they'd done. He felt furious, but the gorgeous boy just shrugged, let himself be pulled into the dark storage room, let himself be embraced and touched, constantly doubting his right to exist, to feel, to be treated with dignity and respect.

What was it that he could really do? A priest candidate married to the church, serving god and about to give a vow that there was nothing else for him, lying as so often over the past few weeks and lying again, lying to save himself, lying to bury himself as a punishment, lying and lying more until there was maybe nothing else left of him to shake when those hands danced around his waist, painted burning trails on his neck, made him daydream about something he could never have. Maybe he could just disappear like that, but…

_But what about him? You can’t._

The risk he was taking was enormous and the risk he burdened Hyungwon with was even heavier on those broad shoulders, but still the boy said yes to his crazy ideas, ran after him laughing and making jokes about how his legs and arms needed more of his touches to stay attached to his body, how he would get rich and buy a gigantic house with a bathtub that could fit them both, smiling every single time their eyes met but always staying a few meters behind because none of it was part of their reality. Because the loser had already been chosen by birth, knowing too well about his fate and trying to dance on the thick layer of stigma and violence acting as if there has never been a better place to dance.

He knew that he shouldn't have looked back, but how could he miss it? How could he close his eyes or stare at the empty street when there was Hyungwon following him, shining like the most beautiful star with every single step and filling his lungs with a euphoria he had never felt before. For him, the black-haired boy who was mimicking a German businessman on an overseas trip, walking with the elegance of a lord and being the most beautiful being he had ever laid his eyes on was the only existence that mattered. Hyungwon and no one else. Nothing else made him feel this way.

_Does he know how you feel? That you feel like this about him?_

Chewing on his lips intensely, he looked around and unlocked the door, before calling Hyungwon inside with a brief gesture. He took off his shoes and it was so warm that he missed the cool winter air that at least gave him the feeling that his thoughts were clear. Now, in the warmed-up house that didn’t belong to him and with the boy who hid his shoes behind the rack with a hint of shame, his lungs gave up, unwilling to inhale enough to keep his body functioning properly.

_You are so nervous. Why are you nervous if this is only for him?_

“I’ll fill in the bath, you can… relax a little. I will get you some food too, just- let me do the bath- bath thing first,” he muttered, quickly unbuttoning the thick gown and placing it on a coat hanger.

"Can I… touch it?" Hyungwon asked, standing on the thick carpet on his tip toes and reaching out towards him. The boy's hand stopped in the air and those long fingers curled up, as if yearning but not quite daring to touch without permission.

“W-what?” he whispered for some reason as his voice wasn’t strong enough to actually press out a sound from the crawling insecurity spreading inside his stomach.

"Your- ehm- coat." Hyungwon laughed and pulled his hand back, fumbling with his fingers as if he wasn't quite sure what to do with them. "It must sound so stupid, forget about it. It's just- it looks warm and I'm pretty sure it smells like you, so I kind of wanted to touch it, maybe wrap it around myself, but then it'll probably smell like me or something and that's a dead giveaway and then he'll know I was here and that's- bad. Yeah, I'll just wait for that bath."

“Why would you want my coat to wrap around you if you can wrap around me instead?” he asked, taken aback by Hyungwon’s explanation and the fact that he actually said his thoughts out loud. “Bloody H-” Next his hand slapped against his mouth all by itself and he looked to the side, meeting his own reflection in the big metal framed mirror. A reflection of a person who had slapped himself out of confusion and was standing there with his eyes wide, looking like an insane pigeon. “The bath. The bath. The bath,” he muttered, briefly unable to recollect where the bathroom was located, before he remembered and pointed in the right direction. “You can come along and maybe smell the herbs you want to use. I- I even have rose petals.”

"Is that also a peculiarity of the church? I swear celibacy, so I will love and spoil myself. With rose petals in winter." He heard Hyungwon's steps behind him as he made his way towards the spacious bathroom and the tub. The other boy was tall, but even he seemed small in comparison.

The slim body settled on the edge and Hyungwon hid his palms between his legs, observing him. "My… mother once got rose petals as a present from a man who admired her. She said it was the most valuable thing she owned because it was a sign of affection. Maybe… this bath will also be the most valuable thing for me, even if I cannot own it."

“I collected the rose petals after a communion. The flowers were so beautiful and I didn’t want them to end just like that. That they had to stop existing, just because someone decided it for them. It’s not fair.” Maybe he wasn’t making any sense but thinking with the beautiful boy sitting so close to him, observing him, made him feel confused, dizzy and hot. He took out the paper bag with the rose petals and carefully placed it next to Hyungwon’s feet. “You’re the most valuable in this room,” he said before his fingers finally managed to turn on the tap.

Hyungwon didn't reply as the sound of water filled the room, hot steam rising in between them and making the air appear foggy. The other boy remained silently seated on the edge of the tub but the sensation of fingers travelled over his knee and thigh before stopping, cooling his skin through the fabric.

"Will you keep me then?"

“You’re not a possession.” His black cassock felt too hot and moist and out of place, so he stood up and slowly loosened button after button before hanging it over the chair next to the sink and remaining in white shirt and black pants. “It sounds as if I have any right to… to have you.”

"What if you do?" Hyungwon stood up as well and pulled the thicker shirt he had given him out of his pants before following suit and beginning to unbutton it, top button first as more and more of the slim chest was revealed. "What if you do because I want you to?"

_What if you do because he wants you to?_

The words, he heard them, he did, but his eyes didn’t care about words, they couldn’t read them, couldn’t decipher their secret meaning, only the golden skin, the black hair framing Hyungwon’s beautiful face, the motions of those fingers that were covered in painful cuts, those were the only details he could focus on.

“I don’t know,” he breathed out and regained his awareness just in time to turn off the water that threatened to overflow. The sight could’ve been a dream covered by a thick layer of steam that added moisture to his skin and caused his shirt to stick to his chest. “I don’t know about… about anything right now.”

"Is that good or bad?" Hyungwon smiled and finally opened the last button of his shirt, letting it slip down to his elbows and finally fall to the floor. A step was enough to end up right in front of him as the boy carefully rested his palms on his shoulders. "Will you help me get ready?"

He was so beautiful. Beautifully unreal and those words were on the tip of his tongue, begging to be let out, but not yet. Not when he could fulfil a request.

_You saying it out loud would be the end of it. You would turn around and run in the opposite direction of the tunnel you're caught in._

"Can I…?" His fingers were trembling from the burning tension in his muscles as he reached for the buttons of the loose pants around Hyungwon's hips, stroking over the fabric and getting lost in the tiny sparks that the coolness of the boy's skin lit up inside his stomach. Just when he lifted his hand, he realized that it wasn't only fabric, but goosebumps-covered skin, moist skin, golden skin of an angel that he wanted to embrace, naturally, easily, as if an embrace was the most human of all desires.

"Please," the low voice whispered in reply and he could feel that Hyungwon sucked in his flat stomach and the fabric of his pants slipped a little lower, brushing against his fingertips.

He had been wondering about many things, thinking and reflecting about his feelings so much during the past few days, but still he didn't know why it had felt surreal to be with the black-haired boy.

Was it because he wasn't himself and his reality existed to remind him that it was unnatural, a brief interruption of what was supposed to be, a distraction? Or…

"I feel like myself next to you… without knowing what that even means," he breathed out, shifting the weight from his shoulders and drowning it in the hot water, dissolving it in the steam, covering it with the touches they shared. Was it his heartbeat pumping, or could he feel Hyungwon's through his skin as he undid one button, then another, then, barely breathing, the last one.

"It means that you can breathe, without a weight against your chest," the other boy murmured and let his pants pool on the bathroom floor, naked feet carefully slipping out of them. Only his undergarments were left, low on his hips and uncovering a mole right below his hipbone he hadn't seen before. It was the shape of a wing.

"Even your mole says that you're an angel." A smile softened his features, but couldn't calm his breaths that felt heavy, contrary to those words. "But I have to disagree on… on the breathing part. I feel like someone is standing on my chest."

"Does it… feel bad?" Hyungwon's right hand lifted and fingers danced over his chest, tracing his collarbones through the fabric of his white shirt and stopping at the first button, applying pressure.

Shaking his head slowly, he lowered his gaze to those long fingers holding onto his shirt and opening one button. His heart skipped a beat, but his mind couldn't come up with an explanation. Why did he have to undress? "N-no. But it feels like pressure, like I need… Like I have to do something."

"Maybe…" A smile appeared on Hyungwon's beautiful features and he remembered it from before, a hint of playfulness that appeared whenever the other boy knew something he didn't, dared something that he could have never dared. "Maybe you also need to relax, Hoseok. Join me."

A second button loosened in no time, followed by a third and a fourth. "Mmh?" Hyungwon hummed and used both hands to pull the fabric down his naked shoulders.

Air, more air and even more air, steamy and hot, moist and making him dizzy with its qualities, or maybe the boy in front of him was. Maybe the boy was beautiful, elegant, desirable and made him dizzy with his qualities.

"I- I wanted to do something for you. Why… why me?"

The smile remained as Hyungwon used his long fingers to slip under the fabric of his pants, just enough to have a good grip as he suddenly pulled him close enough for their groins to brush. A breathy exhale tickled his lips and hands caressed the skin of his chest and stomach.

"Because I want to feel your body against mine."

"Holy…," he breathed out, barely inhaling enough to compensate as his body was set on fire, turning all the tension that hung around them like an aura into heat, burning under his skin, at his lips, and that needy, desperate place in his middle that never got enough, that made him feel, but wanted a reward. "Don't you- I mean, aren't you… Scared?"

"Of what?" Hyungwon's gaze lifted, meeting his and he realized how close the other boy was, how easily cool hands roamed over his sides and tugged at the fabric of his pants, pulling it down his hips.

_Of what?_

"Of what-" he couldn't finish because his lips parted in a hiss, allowing the steam in his lungs to join the steam around them. "Of what can happen. When you do. When I do. When we- do what our bodies want."

Hyungwon observed him, chestnut brown eyes focused and wide, but those hands didn't stop caressing his skin, brushing over his hip bones and revealing more skin wherever they could.

"There's nothing left for me to be afraid of. If I can't have you then…" the other boy paused and bit on his bottom lip, color intensifying in a matter of seconds, turning a deep red. "Then there's no point."

_There's no point for him, if he can't have you. Can't have you. You. Your body that you keep hiding._

He gasped, feeling scared all of a sudden. So much more scared than of his body's needs, more scared than of getting found out. This time, he was honestly scared that there would be no point for Hyungwon, nothing that was interesting for the boy anymore. That there was nothing likeable, desirable left of him.

_You can't let that happen._

The air still burned in his lungs, but it was just enough to push off another inhale as he wrapped his fingers around the fabric of his pants and his undergarments, pulling them down all at once and carefully reaching for the slim waist that felt consoling as long as his hands could touch.

"Then have me," he whispered and pulled Hyungwon to the edge of the tub.

"W-what?" The switch in demeanor was surprising, the big brown eyes that had turned dark were suddenly widened and Hyungwon's fingers held desperately onto his arms. "But- I'm no prince that just gets what I want. I just- I just want and nothing happens."

"You are better than a prince. Nothing happens, but then it does. You can have it. All of it. As much- as much as you want." He wasn't sure if that was how people bathed together, but he leaned forward, wrapping his arms around the boy's thighs and shoulders and lifted him in the air, slightly ashamed of how much he liked the light weight and their proximity before slowly lowering the elegant body into the water.

"But," Hyungwon whispered and wrapped his arms tightly around his neck, staring at him intently. He looked beautiful surrounded by clear water, light reflecting in his eyes and parted lips as he inhaled softly. "But what if I want something you cannot give just like that?"

_Just like that?_

"But what if… what if I want something that you can't give?" he murmured, paying extra attention to make the hot water more bearable by slowing down his motions and watching as Hyungwon became one with the water beautifully.

He didn't know what he expected, but it wasn't the sad smile that suddenly appeared on Hyungwon's face as a cool palm reached out and caressed his cheek. The other boy looked at him as if he was precious, untouchable somehow.

"You're the one who promised himself to somebody else. I am my own to give and I happen to have chosen you."

"Mhm, one isn't supposed to break promises, right?" His chest felt like his next inhale consisted of lead, sticking to his lungs. In the end, it all came back to the same conclusion. That he had been the one who wanted something he couldn't have. So many things he couldn't have. "You look perfect like this. Are you sure that you want my heavy body in there?" he asked quietly, naturally sitting next to the tub and pouring the rose petals out of the paper bag with his head leaned against the edge to be able to observe the handsome face. "I can watch over you."

"Don't you believe that there is somebody else to do that?" Suddenly palms reached out, cupped his face and brown eyes met his, only millimeters apart as Hyungwon exhaled and kissed him, warm and wet. The touch remained for a few seconds, pulling at his insides until the other boy pulled back and let his fingers dance over his shoulders.

"I hate him," the low voice murmured. "I bloody hate him for having your thoughts, your devotion, your soul. I want to make it mine, have you be with me among the living instead of a paradise that will never come. There can't be paradise. There is only us and this."

_He said there is no point if he doesn't have you, but here you are, not giving yourself to him._

He got up and curled his hands into fists, mobilizing his strength and using some of the tension in his muscles to carefully step into the spacious bathtub that could fit two people, when many didn't have fresh water to drink.

_You don't deserve it, but still you enter the water to be with him like this. To be more than you could ever be with anybody else._

"I feel guilty. He should have all the things you mentioned, but I just carried them away. Holding them behind my back to give them to somebody else." For a moment it felt like he was talking to the water, to the ripples that ran from the spot where he had entered it, touching the boy's skin when the ripples reached far enough to matter.

_It's easier to say it, if you don't look at him._

There was distance between their faces, but their legs brushed against each other as he sat down one arm resting on the edge and head leaning back. If he persuaded himself for long enough, he could act as if he couldn't feel the warmth in the pit of his stomach, the need and the simultaneous fear of breaking everything, or ending up not being enough.

"I envy that someone then," Hyungwon whispered in reply and he felt the sensation of skin against his legs as the other boy slipped his feet closer towards him, brushing against his calves and thighs. "Everybody expects me to give my body, but when it is something else I decide to give, it doesn't matter. You own it all without even knowing it, too blinded by paradise and what is promised to you."

"You don't understand," he breathed out, tension increasing and making his hands tremble. "I don't own anything and I know I shouldn't think that way, but this… this is paradise to me."

Feet brushed over his thighs one more time as Hyungwon sank deeper into the water, eyes remaining on his face.

"Do you want me to say it first and break the spell? See if the consequences are as immediate as everybody expects?" The points of contact increased with each second as their legs brushed, thighs slipped on top of his own and the distance decreased quickly. Hyungwon lifted out of the water, just enough to slide smoothly on top of his lap and wrap his lean arms around him, fingers raking through his hair. "I like you."

_He likes you._

He had heard it before, but then it had been a comment, a tiny fact that had no implications. But sitting in the water together, body against body, societal differences discarded, it felt like a big secret he had carried around and finally, there was a person who knew about it. Embraced it. Felt the same way.

"I like you… I like you too. I don't expect punishment for something that you say. I expect it for all the things that I don't," he gasped and allowed his hands to wrap around the firm thighs, letting out low sounds that reminded him of the way pleasure sounded. It was everywhere, as if Hyungwon's body captured him within arousal. "Just like my thoughts that only underline that I want you."

"I like you the way a man is meant to like a woman, Hoseok." There was strength in the words that left Hyungwon's lips, but the boy's hands were trembling against his shoulders, stroking over the same curve of his neck, over and over again until they finally stilled and lips covered his own.

He felt like crying, because those words simply spilled past his throat, his tongue, turning into sounds and becoming real, manifesting outside of his mind.

_You're lost. Lost forever._

"I don't think- I could ever like anybody the way I like you, Hyungwon." The pain in his chest spread rapidly, only leaving him room to inhale once before the air got stuck in his lungs. "Not even God."

***

There he was, the boy he desired more than anything else, the boy that made life worthwhile and provided him with sparks of happiness, of excitement, of levity that rushed through his veins. The boy with his black gown, hidden from view and everything human, was in front of him, bare and only covered by the mist on his skin the way he was, naked and vulnerable and beautiful. Oh, so beautiful.

Even if he had attempted to create the true image inside his mind he couldn't have. There were so many things to see, lines to observe, small imperfections that made him want to reach out and cover them with his lips, trace the path from one to the other, memorize every inch and make it a part of him. They weren't imperfections in his eyes because they belonged to him, the single reason that he was still alive, that he wanted to be alive.

The boy he desired had given himself to him just like that, broad body slipping into the water without a single layer of clothing, of protection that spoke of who he was, what role he played. This way, it seemed like there was only them, far from paradise and anything it could have promised them.

_How could paradise be any better than this? Better than having him next to you?_

He felt the closeness, the meaning of their touches and whispered words, but a shadow remained, a shadow he had no power to defeat. It wasn't physical, nothing his fingers could grasp and tear off. It was deep within, a belief that grew like a healthily planted seed, bit by bit every day.

_His soul will never belong to you, not in the way that yours already belongs to him._

He felt angry, angry towards the Lord for taking everything from him. God was seen as the creator, the one who made the decisions, then why was he making him suffer this way? Why had he taken his mother after forcing her to live the way she did? Why was he trying to take him too, throwing one challenge after the next at him without reason? There was no reason. Humans made it up, but he had no strength left for pointless hope. There was only Hoseok, only Hoseok.

_And even him the Lord takes from you._

Hoseok was careful, sitting in the tub without moving as he spoke, eyes focused on the water. Maybe it was easier that way, but he knew that it was an attempt to keep silent, to protect whatever was happening between them and keep it safe. The boy's lips whispered of paradise, calling their togetherness paradise, the proximity and the warmth that the water spread between them. It was paradise, the only paradise he yearned for.

Maybe that was what fueled his need to say it, to break through the platonic boundary. His feelings weren't pretty. They weren't rose petals floating on water as a noble man stroked over the pale, unharmed hand of a noble woman. His feelings were raw, real and forbidden. They were strong enough to burst through his chest and make him cough, to have tears fill his eyes at the mere thought of never seeing the other boy again.

His feelings were vivid and wrong, but they were true. They knocked on his lips each time that his body brushed over the inherent heat that Hoseok possessed. They knocked when his thighs slipped on top of a pair of smooth ones and they knocked one last time when his hands wrapped around Hoseok's broad neck.

"I like you," he had said and meant so much more. It was the kind of liking that was able to eat you up from inside if you don't act and attempt to ignore it. It was the kind of liking that could feel like a sunset on a clear day while cold air is burying itself deep within your bones. It was the kind of liking that deserved a different word, but nobody dared to speak it.

_The kind of liking that isn't meant to be._

His fingers were trembling as he spoke, as he roamed over Hoseok's shoulders and neck, over and over again in the fear that he wouldn't be able to, that this was the last time his fingertips would be able to touch the boy's uncovered skin. The sensation burned itself into his memories, leaving a mark that could never be removed, like the invisible writing that determined his place in the world, the treatment he deserved.

_You have never needed anything as much as you need him, even if it hurts._

"I don't think- I could ever like anybody the way I like you, Hyungwon," the boy in his arms began, air rough and words no more than an exhale, an admission that was too loud in the air, too loud for a secret that was meant to be unspoken. "Not even God."

He didn't know what to say at first, how to capture the devastation that he felt within the body in his arms, the tremble that began at Hoseok's fingers and spread to his arms, the change in temperature that couldn't have been the water and must have been them. The other boy's fears and beliefs, his realizations and the weight that the truth harbored.

_The truth he doesn't dare to admit to himself because he believes._

"Then why would you choose him over me?" he asked softly and let his hands dance over Hoseok's shoulders, his hips shift on the warm thighs and his body remember what it felt like to be so close to another person. "What can he give you that I can't? I can make you feel."

“We- we say that we don’t choose, but that we are chosen. He is supposed to love me, but…” Hoseok cleared his throat and swallowed. “But all I feel right now is you.”

_What’s love if it's nothing more than a cage?_

The lamps and the steam that settled on the walls made him see the handsome face up close for the first time, the tiny drops on the pretty cheeks, the curved lips, full and a little swollen, the round eyes, dark and observing him intently, gaze jumping and traveling over his features just like warm hands danced over his back and hips. “This- is this your first time being like this with somebody?”

_He must be so nervous._

The last time somebody asked him that question he had lied to keep safe, but Hoseok wasn't somebody he wanted to lie too. The gorgeous boy was the only person he wished to simply exist with, without any second thoughts.

_You want to touch him, make him see stars before his beliefs catch up with him._

"No," he replied and licked over his lips, anticipating the expression on Hoseok's face. "But it is the first time that it feels this way. The first time that it makes my thighs tremble because I want it so much."

He leaned in and exhaled against the curved mouth, enjoyed the micro gestures he felt, goosebumps that appeared briefly despite the warm water.

"What if… I can love you instead of Him?"

“It must be so strange to you. Having someone… just staring at you and d-doing nothing,” Hoseok muttered quietly and he enjoyed it a little, the nervousness and how the boy was holding back, thighs flexing under him and delicate fingers drawing the line of his waist hesitantly.

"Is that what worries you?" he asked and smiled, purposefully changing the pressure of his fingers as they roamed Hoseok's chest and shoulders. He wanted to see how it felt, whether the almost black eyes were going to change, darken, show him that despite the hesitation, Hoseok wanted more.

Even if he didn't know what more meant.

“Actually,” the low voice started and he could see those pupils widen, barely visible in the dark brown eyes, but he was close enough to see himself, to see the desire and the depth they had. A depth he had never experienced with anybody before. “Actually, I’m worried because I… because I told you to accept that I didn’t want to continue when we met last. I told you, but now my heart is about to jump out of my chest and my lips tingle to tell you… something else.” The boy stopped, pressing his lips together and looking at him with his wide eyes.

"Something… else?" he asked softly, but his mind had already rushed further, read the signs off those curved lips, the slowly developing blush, the quickened breaths and finally his own mind that rejoiced because whatever had convinced Hoseok to reject him before, he wasn't able to do it now.

_But he isn't saying it._

He shifted his hips just enough to provide friction and rested his arms loosely on Hoseok's shoulders, eyes locked and lips almost brushing over the other boy's.

"What is it?" he exhaled, skin burning with anticipation and desire that centered in his middle within several seconds.

Hoseok was prepared to say something, gaze focused on his face and lips parting to inhale. Sucking the air into his lungs so fast that the sound filled the bathroom, the boy’s eyes widened and his chest remained motionless, holding in the air. “Th- that, I-I can feel… you,” he stuttered and let out a shaky breath that was laced with the low notes that could have created a moan if they had been louder, more desperate. “Dear God.”

At first, he didn't understand the implications, shifting only to see those black eyes widen even more. The other boy meant his arousal, the way his length brushed over his naked stomach as he moved and maybe even the way his thighs flexed whenever it did.

_Does it scare him?_

"Do you like it?" he asked and let his fingers sink into silky hair, enjoying the way it felt and how easily Hoseok followed when he tugged just a little.

"Hyungwon… I," the low voice felt like a warm jacket, like hot water enveloping him, stroking him just like those hands started to apply more pressure gradually, until he was pulled flush, skin against skin and hot breaths tickling his lips. "Yes. I like it so much. I like it, I like it."

The excitement grew by seconds instead of minutes and he barely contained the urge to clash their lips together, to touch everything he could reach, to shift and pull a moan from the other boy's lips. But that would have blurred the sensation, combined it with his need for more and erased the single impressions from Hoseok's mind.

_You want him to feel it all, to know how you can make him feel._

Maybe it was selfish, but he wanted to erase everything else from that beautiful mind.

"I like it too," he exhaled and rested his forehead against the other boy's. "I like the way your skin feels against mine and I can also feel that you are getting aroused as well. It excites me even more."

"I can't think," the boy breathed out and licked over his lips a few times, eyes jumping from his eyes to his lips and neck, following the path of his fingers and glancing into the water, at their naked bodies. "You said- it has to be mutual. I want it to be. I want to feel it all."

_He said it, he said that he wants it._

"Does that mean…" He held his breath and used his index finger to slide over the other boy's chest, past his navel towards his groin and along his length to stop at the tip of it, "... I can touch you?"

The boy's length moved against his touch accompanied by a gorgeous breathy moan. "Please. Please, Hyungwon."

He nodded and drew a circle, then another and another while observing the beauty that was Hoseok's whole body twitching.

"Get up," he whispered and tapped the edge of the tub. "Get up and sit down here."

"No- let's, let's get out." He heard the water as it travelled down the pipes and uncovered them, bit by bit with those eyes warming him and those hands touching him like they never had before. Desperately, hungrily, unwilling to let go.

He observed Hoseok at first, the way he leaned against the white of the tub while the water slowly disappeared around him, allowed him to see more and more of the other boy, his chest, abdomen, thighs.

"Shh," he murmured instead of getting out of the tub and used his hands to slip off Hoseok's lap. There was just enough space to kneel in between the other boy's legs and he used it, hands roaming over prominent hip bones and holding on.

He couldn't resist observing the handsome face as he leaned down and pressed a kiss right below Hoseok's navel. He felt the flat stomach get sucked in and a light twitch encouraged him to continue. Still looking up at the other boy's face he smiled and stretched out his tongue, brushing over the sensitive tip. A smile was the easiest way to hide his excitement, how much he wanted to put the length into his mouth immediately and hear the gorgeous boy scream.

"H-Hyungwon," the low moan tingled against his skin, arousing him and it might have been the first time someone actually made his name sound like that, rich and sensual, full of feeling. The fingers around his shoulders tugged before slipping into his hair, raking through it and stroking over it in a gentle gesture.

"This is going to feel really good," he murmured and used his tongue once more, listening as Hoseok skipped an inhale and his body tensed up. Hearing what bordered on a moan, he reached his limit of restraint and finally closed his lips around the velvety skin of the tip. He barely remembered the last time he had been this close to anyone, only that his knees had hurt, but that didn't even matter because it wasn't comparable. His thoughts weren't comparable, his feelings, the scent in the air, the sound surrounding him, the small droplets of water on the body he was touching.

Mostly he thought that perfect people didn't exist, but it seemed like everything was beautiful about Hoseok. His body, muscular and responsive, his handsome face, his silky hands and now his moans that filled the space between them. All of it was too beautiful to be enclosed in one single human being. Of course, it must've felt like a firework and he recognized the flexing under his fingertips, the outline of the boy's defined stomach, the twitches between his lips and those eyes that went from half lidded to wide and back.

The reactions fueled his own desire, encouraged him to hold on tighter, to let more slip between his lips and to use his tongue because he knew that it felt better. He knew so much, and Hoseok made him want to use it, to pull louder moans from those lips, to watch him shiver, mutter and scream his name while begging for time to stop. Just like he did.

"I- I'm going to die," the boy whimpered, lifting his hands from his hair and desperately scratching along the walls of the tub as his hips tried to move along with his mouth. "If I do, just know- just know that you are everything I ever thought about, I- Lord save me. No- don't save me."

He hummed, suppressing a smile because his amusement wasn't worth pushing back the other boy's pleasure. He had never seen anybody respond like that, helplessly trying to hold on while genuinely believing that he was lost, lost to the way it felt, to his feelings, to whatever it was that they shared.

_Maybe you are both lost._

Scratching lightly over Hoseok's hips, he increased his efforts, taking more and moving his head faster, suppressing the need to breathe and focusing on the arousal burning between his legs and how much he desired to have more of the other boy. He wanted to make him his, to save him in his own way and not the salvation he expected.

All signs were there. First there was Hoseok's stomach that flexed and didn't relax, then those thighs that spread and finally the boy throwing back his head and hitting the tub in an attempt to inhale before a firework exploded inside him. The boy's release was accompanied by a loud moan of his name, repeating endlessly like a nice dream he never had of somebody calling him by his name, and it sounded beautiful, filled with pleasure and affection.

He swallowed and kept his tongue tender to not overstimulate the gorgeous boy, hands caressing his sides and legs. He lifted his gaze and observed the way lips remained parted and Hoseok's eyes were shut, chest rising and falling rapidly in an attempt to catch his breath. He was breathtaking and the knowledge that he was the one affecting the other boy that way excited him even more.

"Shh," he whispered when Hoseok's eyes opened and he seemed to attempt to say something. He stroked over the boy's handsome face and pressed a quick kiss to his curved lips. "I always wanted to do that."

"I must be dead," Hoseok muttered and wrapped his arms around him. "But why are you here with me?" It seemed as if some dizziness still remained, blurring the boy's perceptions. "I want to stay. I want to stay like this. With you."

_You do too, but-_

"What makes you think that you're dead?" he asked instead and hugged Hoseok in return, fingers dancing over the still moist skin and drawing circles. It was an easier question than having to confront that staying the way they were was nothing more than a fantasy.

"Because for the first time, I feel like it's okay to just let go and be with you. To simply be with you without any boundaries. So… having you in my arms and only thinking that I want to stop time feels like paradise to me. I wish I could stop it for real or push it until I can see you again." Hot lips danced over his neck, making the seconds feel slower, but they still passed, ticking away mercilessly just like that.

He didn't know what time it was, how late at night or early in the morning. His feeling told him it must have been past the time he had to return, but he couldn't get himself to stand up just like that and leave the sanctuary they had created for themselves. He also wanted to hold onto the seconds, stop feeling them as they rushed past them and reminded him that everything was fleeting, even salvation.

_But you can't. You know that you can't and that your hands will be bruised and he will have to erase every mark of you._

"Wouldn't it be nice," he breathed out and lifted his palm in the air, holding it close to their faces. "A single motion of my hands and nothing matters, nothing but you and me and the second we are caught in. I wish… the world was like that."


	10. Truth hurts, or meeting an angel in the club

_Eternal winter_

_______________

It was foggy behind the big windows, and although the thickness and qualities of the fog weren’t the same, he still felt slightly uncomfortable looking at the milky grey sky. The sight reminded him of the travel that left both of them on the brink of an end that they were told would never come because they were here for eternity.

_The memories cut off suddenly and you must’ve used most of your strength to take him away from there._

He had wanted to go to the bottom of the ocean, to let time stop forever, but it didn’t work. Instead, they found themselves in the thickest of all fogs, unable to move and staring into each other’s souls until the memories rained down on them like an ice-cold shower, like an ocean of pain, containing all the feelings that he thought he could never feel, but that he must have felt. That his soul must have felt. All of them manifested in an intensity and clarity that scared him.

_You wanted to go to heaven so badly, Hoseok._

He chuckled and threw his head back, lips pressed together and forcing himself to swallow the burning in his throat that he knew would result in blood running down his cheeks. It was fascinating how after crying a few times, with each time, it seemed easier to do.

_You went to your heaven but all you do is seesaw between an end that won’t come and a demon that has found his salvation in your poor soul._

If before, he had been devastated without a clear understanding, now, he was devastated and aware of it, of his soul and its past, doubting and questioning his every move since he had first perceived that strange feeling of time shifting and air changing around him. Did he do it on purpose? Was it his soul that tried to get closer?

_Are you sitting here because he would have? Because that church boy would have?_

His thoughts were torturous and made him repeat every single one of his moves, recalling every word he said, every glance at those bright eyes, wondering if he could recognize anything that had been unlike him.

_His scent is still the same. It was the first thing you noticed._

He inhaled to not heat up more and noticed the air that mixed with Hyungwon’s intoxicating scent was pulling him in, or did he make this up to defend himself? Was it his fault that he had chosen that certain someone for the appointment, got angry at his advances, sped up time, more and more and more?

_But you are not like him. You aren’t waiting for some God to save you. You just want to stop existing, but he…_

Hyungwon was still the same beautiful tall man, elegant, gorgeous, open and shining bright enough to wear sunglasses. He was still fragile, trying to belong, holding onto him with his cold fingers and in the end, he must’ve failed to warm him up.

_It’s still cold and it’s still winter._

A low sound made goosebumps run down his arms and he couldn’t help it, glancing at Hyungwon’s face, gorgeous as ever, golden skin complimented by thick, red lips and round cheeks that regained some of their blush. He must have used up most of his energy to help them get out.

_But you still don’t know what happened to them. To you. And to him._

He reached out and brushed a black lock behind the demon’s ear. That’s who Hyungwon was. A demon. His fingertips tingled briefly, confirming that he still felt, still felt too much, still couldn’t help but be as close as possible. Maybe a demon was everything beautiful that the world had to offer and he couldn’t do anything but reach out and touch.

“You didn’t want heaven, so, shouldn’t you be happy? Instead of suffering here with me.” he whispered, stroking over the silky hair. He had done it before, but he was a different entity now, there was nothing that the shy, confused boy and he had in common whereas…

_He still shines the brightest._

Big eyes opened, a vibrant ice blue even though the warmth of a chestnut brown remained burned into his memories. It looked different, but his soul refused to abandon what it knew.

Hyungwon shifted on top of the simple, white sheets, lifting up onto his elbows as he observed him. Emotions had been so easy to read on the handsome face, intense and obvious but now those eyes and plump mouth didn't reveal anything to him. Red lips gently touched and eyes focused on him without a change.

"I didn't want heaven," the demon breathed out and lifted his right arm to grab a hold of his shirt, pulling it just enough to have him lean over the slim body. "But I wanted you."

"Was it a good idea? I don't know. I don't know what happened. You've seen it all, haven't you?" His mind made the same mistake all over again by assuming he only had to focus on his own thoughts without having to deal with what happened around him, with the demon next to him, with his feelings.

_He must know that you're not the same now. He knows that you're not the one._

"You said I'm still a coward, but I think I'm just another coward."

Hyungwon didn't reply at first, but he saw the demon's bottom lip twitch as it pulled into what resembled a grin, but it wasn't a grin as he knew it.

"Yeah, I've seen it." The grip on his shirt loosened but didn't let go. "Now it makes so much sense doesn't it? The memories, the yearning, the fucking fear."

He considered the memories he had to relive additional information. They told him about his soul, about what he had experienced in a different life that was intertwined with the demon in front of him. They made him feel, but they couldn't explain the feeling of doom that remained in that place his thoughts came from, burning and itching and pulling painfully.

"I don't know. The only thing I know is that I can't take you to the fog. I can't watch you getting hurt again. Ever," he whispered, gaze locked with Hyungwon's bright eyes. His fingers itched to reach out, to stroke over his hair, his shoulders, to kiss his forehead, the tip of his nose and his plump lips, mumbling that everything will be alright, but he couldn't.

"What happened? I feel more of you within me than of myself. That means my power must have drained." The demon was unaware of his inner turmoil, caught in his own thoughts as he shifted enough to lean against the headrest of the bed and take him along, still not letting go of his shirt. He felt the change in power in the air, how Hyungwon must have attempted to recover his strength without allowing too much of it to spread through his body. The other man's desire to be human must have remained as he still didn't allow his demonic side to show.

"You shouldn't be there, so every shift in energy takes a portion of yours, with every soul leaving it took some of you until there was barely anything left and I took you away. I tried to help you recover, but I'm no demon, so it must feel wrong. I must feel wrong." He selfishly enjoyed the proximity, similar to the shy boy he had been before and turned to the side, observing Hyungwon's features intently while his mind went off on a self-loathing judgement tangent. "I accidentally stole your time again. I think it's a pattern of mine. But no matter how much further it goes, it's still winter and I'm still with you."

"Yeah, I find myself wondering if it's just an illusion. Time is playing a trick on us while standing still, just like the memories do. What would have happened if I stayed in the parallel dimension? Would my soul have left too?" Hyungwon's fingers tightened in his shirt once more and pulled him closer, just enough to have him shift his legs and have their calves touch.

"I don't know that. But- do you want it to leave? Now that you know?" he asked quietly and wondered what was going on in the demon's head. Before, even when trying to confuse him, Hyungwon always showed his feelings in one way or another, but now, there was just his gaze that resembled the glass shards hanging in the air, ready to move any moment to pierce his chest, or Hyungwon’s.

A laugh left the other man's red mouth, loud and sudden. "No," he replied and shook his head. His eyes didn't fit the smile on his lips, like two opposites combining on a single face. "I wanted to be human, didn't I? Shouldn't I be happy? I was human back then and apparently what I've been doing all this time, while having a soul, was the most human thing of them all. A self-fulfilling prophecy."

"You don't look happy. You look… I don't even know. I wish I was able to tell what you think, but I can't, so I can only look at you helplessly and wait for you to recover enough to decide as you always did, merciless and despite consequences while I sit back on my lack of action and pity myself. I guess that one trait stayed. So… do you feel like having me next to you right now?" He played with the blanket, feeling dread crawl up from the place deep inside him that had an explanation for everything, a painful and terrifying one.

_He changed his impression of you after seeing it all, didn't he?_

The demon's gaze that had been roaming the sheets and the way his long fingers held onto his shirt finally returned to his face. "Have you ever tried to escape something your whole life, only to realize that you spent all that time burying yourself in deeper? It's a fascinating feeling, makes me wonder if that was the reason you yearned for nothing, for time to stop existing instead of rushing or slowing."

The words didn't answer his question, but the way Hyungwon pulled him even closer did, forcing him to arrange one of his knees in between the other man's thighs.

He wrapped his arms around Hyungwon's body, scared to have flashbacks, pictures of the hesitance, of fear induced trembling of his hands on golden skin, knowing well that the nervousness grew from want. He didn't want them. He wanted his own. "Mhm. I wanted heaven so badly," he chuckled. "But in the end, it makes me feel the same way, when I was alive and also now. I just want to escape it. What is it that you want to escape?"

"Myself," Hyungwon murmured, carefully letting go of his shirt and wrapping his arms around his neck instead. The gesture wasn't rushed and even though a leg shifted between his thighs, it wasn't sexual. The demon's caresses had something sensual but careful. "I keep thinking that despite the fear and hesitation I remember, you accepted me on top of you so easily, hands holding onto my hips as I rode you."

_Because you're not the same._

"I was scared," he muttered, returning the gentle touches gradually. "Even though I'm not the one you saw in the memories, I wanted you and I wanted it so much that the fear didn't matter. I thought that I could hurt you and I was afraid to do so, but I just did it." The memory made him inhale deeply and cooled his skin down to an acceptable temperature.

"Do you still want me?" Hyungwon asked as long fingers slipped into his hair, intertwining with the strands. Those ice blue eyes were still difficult to read, like a book that had suddenly shut in front of his eyes, leaving the gorgeous cover without words for him to discover, to see through its contents.

"What makes you think I've changed my mind?" The comment surprised him, it was unlike the demon to think that way, especially after searching for him and saying that he would never be able to get rid of him.

_Did he mean it?_

"You know the source of it all now, don't you? The souls, the memories, the thoughts. You also know that everything I claimed not to be was false." The demon chuckled once more and let go of his hair, hands landing on the sheets instead of remaining around him the way they should have. "I'll return to being the kind of person that I am, even if I wish that I wasn't."

He felt the increase in power before he could see it, watched it fill out the body in his arms, quickly until it suddenly stilled as if Hyungwon didn't want it to be too quick, holding onto the few seconds that their eyes met.

"Maybe I've been the one wasting your time all along," the low voice breathed out before Hyungwon's soft features turned into air, slowly disintegrating until there was nothing at all.

He wished he could have felt the difference, described how the warmth of those long fingers disappeared into nothingness and left him empty, but he had never managed to warm them up in the first place and now those hands couldn't feel the difference between his touch and emptiness either. Returning to the latter because it felt more familiar.

***

The blurry film covering his vision finally ripped off and his eyes focused on a perfectly white wall, bright and flawless. The sight would have pulled a chuckle from his lips if it hadn't been too pathetic for amusement. His attempt to escape, to run from the memories rushing through his head had brought him right back to the place that started it all. The apartment of the angel who pulled him from the life he was leading, making him yearn for the heat of those hands, the power passing through his limbs and making him feel in a way that nothing else could.

His eyes travelled over the painted walls, the smooth parquet. Only a thin layer of dust told him that time must have passed, time without anybody taking the space for themselves.

_It still looks abandoned, despite all this time._

He didn't know what day it was, what year it was. Maybe humans could feel the power that was released in these four walls, the mingling of an angel and a demon, something that wasn't meant to be. An angel and a demon with a soul.

_It's impossible, but still that is how it is._

A glance outside revealed thick white snowflakes falling on the window pane and showing him that winter was endless. The past and present mingled, leaving him cold with his fingers reaching out to wrap around his legs as he rested his head on top of his knees. He remembered the feeling of ice-cold snow penetrating through his shoes, touching his naked feet and how much he welcomed the numbness. He would have welcomed it now too, basked in the peace and quiet it would have gifted him.

_You wanted to return to being yourself, the most human you can be, so why are you here?_

Maybe it was his memories holding him back, both the ones from his present life and the ones from the past. His energy was still so drained that he struggled to differentiate his fingers from the paleness he remembered, the red marks he had seen and felt. The words that the baker had screamed on repeat, as if to let them sink in enough for the afterlife.

_And still you haven't listened._

His hands trembled and he tightened his grip around his legs, wondering if the numbness he remembered could be brought about through his memories alone. He wasn't the same boy anymore, he didn't struggle to survive, he didn't feel the effects of hunger on his body and the boy with the gown wasn't his salvation anymore. There was no salvation for him anymore and there shouldn't have been a need for it. He was a different person, a demon. He was a demon that desired to be human, a demon with a soul that kept the most human trait of them all.

_You lied. You lied to yourself even though that is what you save humans from._

He laughed but choked up from the wave of liquid running down his cheeks. Pain was an intricate emotion, one he had rarely felt, but his memories were so full of it that it seemed to have become a part of him. Would a real demon have felt this way? It was impossible.

_It's because you are broken, you and your soul._

Sitting on the dusty parquet with nothing but white walls surrounding him was quiet, too quiet to silence the words inside his head, the images that repeated as if to remind him that they were his, parts of a life he left behind and that tasted bitter on his tongue.

The longer he stared at his long legs with a few grains of sand sticking to them, the more he felt the passage of time, the seconds ticking and leaving him with an emotion he didn't want. Being human meant to experience the full spectrum, but he could never be human. He could never be more than he was, more than a demon with human memories. A demon that kept a single human trait.

A chuckle left his lips as he pushed himself off the floor and used some of the power that recovered and warmed up his chest to dematerialize the world around him. The quiet made way for some apartment that he entered, picking out clothes that were decent enough before disintegrating again into a heavy bass and cool air against his skin that transformed into burning bodies that brushed against him. The sensation was familiar, the warmth that he yearned for, a warmth his soul must have tried to replace in the only way he knew.

_A self-fulfilling prophecy._

A gorgeous smile was directed his way from across the room and he felt a hint of insecurity coming from the brunette man leaning against the bar. It was the type of human he worked with, somebody who needed somebody like him, yearned for somebody like him to learn the truth and bring about change. The change wasn't within him, but within the man who fumbled with his drink and glanced to the side, wanting him to get closer but not daring to initiate. The patterns were all there, patterns that he searched for and acted on all these years, patterns that were right there in his memories, pulling him in and stealing his breath away.

Right now, he wasn't breathless. His chest was still and only his legs were moving, making one step after the next towards the human who needed him to become bold, to act on their desires and to live life the way they wanted to.

_The way you always wanted to._

The motions were so simple, a smile, a few words, his arm that wrapped around round hips and caressed the other man's spine. Conversation that was as meaningless as time in between, the seconds that passed normally but felt slow to him because it was only a game, a pattern that led to what the human really desired of him, to the only thing that his human soul had been trying to escape all its human life.

No human was able to escape their birth, because even now, as a demon who possessed immense powers, could stop time and escape to wherever he wanted, still there was one thing about him that hadn't changed.

He was still the son of a whore, existing to please others and never be satisfied.

***

'No one can construct for you the bridge upon which precisely you must cross the stream of life, no one but you yourself alone,' he remembered Nietzsche saying and if before, he had known the rules of heaven, now he had nothing but his feelings to rely on. The flames inside his chest and stomach that he had no rulebook for, that he couldn't control, couldn't tame and that pushed him through the fog, let him cross the stream of time, sensing the motions and trying to find him

 _You need to find him_.

The car sped up, but it wasn't his car. It was some random one, black but accelerating fast enough to be considered useful.

What month was it and what year? He didn't know. The only thing he knew was that he couldn't touch the strings of time, knowing how much it affected Hyungwon. That it made him feel emptier. Even emptier than everything else did.

_He said he wanted to escape himself._

He wasn't sure what it could've meant, but the demon mentioned that he has been wasting his time, even though it made no sense. He had been the one who pushed it, he had been the one who caused the eternal winter and caught them inside.

_What have you done, making him feel cold forever?_

Even back then, he was hesitating, overthinking, running away and forcing the beautiful human to come after him, to hold his hand, touch him, make him feel everything he had ever wished for, but giving nothing in return. Nothing apart from the anxiety, rejection and feelings of insufficiency.

_But something must've changed for you. For Hoseok. If you believed… your soul would have left._

His eyes widened and he barely managed to step on the brakes, wheels painting the asphalt rubber black. He must've changed tremendously before dying, why else would his soul have fought the most bitter fight, unable to separate in the end and forcing him to continue existing, full of power and suppressed memories?

_It makes sense for him, but it doesn't make sense for you at all._

It didn't add up, but right now it didn't matter. Right now, in the middle of the snowy night, he needed to find Hyungwon, find him and…

_And then what?_

His plans didn't go that far. The only thing he knew was that he needed to find him because every second without him felt like a hot needle piercing through his ribcage at a specific spot in his back. He wasn't the same person, he wasn't Hoseok and he didn't believe in anything apart from doubt anymore, but still, the beautiful black-haired demon with ice-blue eyes shone so brightly, that he could only bear existing if it entailed knowing that Hyungwon was happy. Even if he wasn't his.

_Liar._

_You are lucky that heaven doesn't care whether you're lying or not. You might have just stayed in that fog forever._

He couldn't smell anything apart from the very faint scent of new leather, but stopping at a traffic light, he still inhaled, feeling his shirt burn against his skin. A consequence of failing to pay any attention to his human form.

_Just no wings, Hoseok._

Sighing and inhaling once again let him freeze in his seat, repeating the motion endlessly, inhaling more and more and more until he was sure that it must've been it. The scent of freshly baked pastries on a winter morning, entering his nose and making him want to search for flour stains, find out if it was the shape of a hand, or a stripe from standing close to the counter, or if he had eaten something without permission, letting it rain on top of his flat chest.

_But you're not him. You're not._

He wasn't, but those memories still made him feel everything at once and he walked into the packed club, not thinking about a course of action, not planning in advance, not accumulating force to be prepared, but just walking inside and freezing as soon as he saw him.

Him.

Shining so bright but at the same time lacking any of the warmth that he had seen before. Hyungwon was leaning against a wall, a little secluded from the dancing masses next to another man. A smile was on his plump mouth but didn't reach his eyes as he spoke, he made the man next to him laugh while hands roamed over his broad shoulders, played with the fabric of his collar or simply brushed along his chest in the pretense of a nonchalant gesture. The power that he knew hid within the demon was nothing more than the flame of a candle, only warming him as little as the clothes he gave to the boy back then were able to.

_Is that how he is going to escape himself?_

Maybe he hadn't managed to warm those long fingers up before, but now he had enough power too, he was warm enough to wrap his arms around the demon's broad shoulders and give him all the heat in the world, so why…

There was no real course of action, no plan, just the pain in his chest, the tiny needles that appeared despite them being close and his need to act. Act on whatever it was that he wanted.

Stepping close enough to be noticed, he cleared his throat, hands itching to reach out and touch, but Hyungwon had left and he didn't know if he had been the one the demon wanted to leave behind, so he couldn't.

"Don't," he murmured, pulling the human's attention towards him.

"Huh?" The man seemed confused, glancing towards Hyungwon's gorgeous face which was focused on him, eyes tied to his by threads as strong and invisible as the threads of time were. Only when the human's voice sounded again the demon managed to break their eye contact, face so much more expressive than it had been when he left.

"Who are you?"

He didn't get a chance to answer, not when time suddenly slowed and the human's gaze became distant. Hyungwon's body was as free as ever as he pushed himself off the wall and didn't look at him anymore, gaze remaining on the dirty floor of the club.

"I'm sorry," the demon whispered and made his way past him, using the moment that time held onto his limbs and disappearing within the frozen bodies of the crowd as they suddenly resumed moving. The human who had asked him about who he was just a second ago lost interest, appearing hesitant and shy as he threw him a careful smile.

Everything around him resembled thick fog, cold and unfriendly. He wasn't a part of it, but further away, somewhere in the thick body of the crowd, the touching bodies covered in sweat, a part of him had disappeared too. He felt so angry, inhales sounding rough and quick, skin tingling and eyes replaying the same look, the endless 'I'm sorry' that made him want to scream.

_Does he think you're going to nod and go back to heaven?_

His breathing continued until it didn't, until his limbs resembled flaming liquid and burned holes into his clothes, until time stuttered back and forth, pushing forward fast enough for humans to lose focus, but slow enough to not lose the one he was looking for. Maybe he was crazy and maybe something unexpected could happen, but his wings spread behind his back and he moved them back and forth before folding them enough to walk through the dancing crowd that pulled apart from the force, focused and keeping the strings in a tight grip until his eyes met the bright blue ones.

"Don't apologize and don't treat me like I'm stupid," he hissed, attempting to regulate his body temperature, but it was hard when he was angry. "You want to play this game with me again? Fine. Then don't bore me and show me your wings, demon."

***

A single line. Shouldn't that have been easy to draw? A pen did it so smoothly, scratching over paper and even if the ink wasn't visible the scratch remained, marking it forever. Shouldn't it have been just as easy to draw a line between two beings that weren't meant to meet?

Two beings with a soul.

He knew that both of them must be some kind of mistake, a trick from the world around them, a painful game that left the soul within somebody who wasn't meant to have it. Demons didn't have memories. They only had knowledge and a task, the task to spread knowledge among humans, to help them live life to the fullest.

_Is that why your soul didn't leave? Did it think you were going to live another life, a fulfilling one?_

It was an amusing thought, like a fairytale in which death brought salvation, the one thing that life never could. Even as a human he had never believed it, so how could he now?

An angel and a demon were not meant to meet, especially not when their bodies knew each other, their souls.

_You're not the person he wants. You're everything that his past self detested now, everything your past self promised not to be._

When his eyes fell on the familiar broad body and pitch-black eyes, he struggled to inhale, as if air had once again become obsolete and his mind froze along with time. It wasn't true, because it was only his mind wandering within the memories that his soul provided. Memories that were of his past self and memories of the present, of roaming his hands over the muscular chest and feeling the power within against his fingertips. He had believed that power to be what he yearned for, to finally satisfy the desire within him. But it couldn't be.

_It must have been your soul. Whatever you think and feel, it cannot be yours._

His whole being screamed at him to step closer, to abandon the human next to him and embrace an angel instead, an angel that possessed the soul of the only person his own desired.

The feeling hadn't changed. All this time had passed, but still nothing had changed about the way his soul saw the other man. Only that he knew it was wrong, it must have been wrong.

_Is it because it will be the end of you? Will it hurt?_

He couldn't tell what it was that the feeling within his chest was trying to tell him. He knew that he shouldn't act on his desires, that Hoseok wasn't the hesitant boy anymore that his soul once desired. He himself also wasn't the scrawny boy that fought his fate. He was a demon, a demon searching for satisfaction and for a way to stop time, forever if he could.

"I'm sorry," he whispered and grabbed the strings around them, just enough to hold the muscular body back as he disappeared into the crowd, moving past frozen human bodies that only moved to the music when he let go.

_He has no reason to follow you. He must see that you're not the same anymore._

His eyes refocused and he tried to find another human he could satisfy, a human that needed him to become somebody else just for them. Once his eyes settled on a tall man with black hair, his thoughts suddenly scattered and the reality in front of him began shifting back and forth. He saw humans dance faster, then in reverse and finally faster again, rushing to the bar, emptying their drinks and returning to the dancefloor again within a few seconds only. Time was out of control, rushing but without him, as if he knew too much, was too far from the strings.

The wave of power overwhelmed his senses before he could see the source, washing over him like a tsunami that filled him up to his fingertips, inhales becoming rough and lips trembling. Even if he wanted to look somewhere else, it was impossible to rip his gaze from the broad body, pale skin shining through holes in black fabric, retreating further, just like those eyes, black, but hot, red burning lips and huge black wings spreading and pushing humans away like air with the sheer power they were holding.

"Don't apologize and don't treat me like I'm stupid," the low voice breathed out and he could feel the burning air against his skin, laced with so much power that it made him dizzy. How could an angel look more threatening than a demon? "You want to play this game with me again? Fine. Then don't bore me and show me your wings, demon."

He gasped, fingers instantly reaching out for time to make it stop, to hide their identities and the balance they were supposed to keep.

"Here?" he bluffed as the power in the air made it difficult to focus. He had only ever experienced that before when he was close, when those hands touched him. When the body in front of him felt pleasure the power had been strong enough to wrap around his neck until he accepted.

_How can he be so strong, strong enough to steal your sanity?_

The air remained stuck in his throat just like time that froze around them, humans staying still in their motions or lying on the floor, skin blushed because of the heat in the air. He fought to keep his own energy within his chest, to stay true to what he desired to be, at least the little bit that he was capable of.

_Is it you or your soul speaking? Which one wants to be human? Were you ever really human in the first place?_

"Where else? Somewhere nobody can find us? Just so you can go back here? You must be kidding me." Hoseok chuckled and lifted one hand in the air, uncurling his fist and moving his fingers like a wave, followed by silver grey ash that fell on his shoulder. Those hands must've been hot enough to burn every single particle in proximity. "Now get them out if you don't want to get hurt."

_What is he expecting?_

"Don't you see this is where I belong?" he chuckled and couldn't help the desire to reach out for his own neck and tug at the power wrapping around it. It pulled at his own force, beckoned for it to come out, but why?

_Doesn't he see you're not that boy anymore?_

"No. I don't. You don't belong here, just like I don't. Look around, you fool," Hoseok whispered and gestured around them, at the people who were caught in a moment but suddenly, with a shift of power so massive that it tightened further around his throat, they moved, fast, so fast, dancing, talking, kissing before they didn't anymore and were caught again. "Nobody looks at you. Nobody but me."

_Ouch._

He gasped, but still no air entered his lungs, invisible strings remaining tight around his throat as he slowly sank to his knees. He resisted, but he didn't want to.

_But is it you or your soul?_

His memories told him this couldn't be his soul, for that the man in front of him was too powerful, too determined. There was none of the hesitation he remembered, none of the careful words, the fear to make a mistake, to hurt him.

_But it is the power you want. You desire his power but look for hesitation in humans which you use to let them use you._

"And if you stop?" he forced out as his chest burned, refusing to be constricted any longer and power travelled from his middle to his fingertips, enabling him to inhale while the humans around them remained caught in limbo. Hoseok controlled time and the world around them. The two of them remained in control, eternal as the world turned around itself. "What happens if you stop? I'm not the one you seek."

"You said you're knowledge. But turns out you know nothing. Nothing at all." The black wings moved and the power filled the streams of air around them, turning them into heat and making him feel like he was in the kind of hell religion warned about.

"You're blinded, Hoseok. Blinded by what the fog has shown you." He swallowed and stood up, feeling his wings push against his skin, fighting to be freed and join the rush of power in the air. He could taste it on his tongue, yearned for it, but something was holding him back. "I'm not that boy. I'm a demon, a demon meant to satisfy humans."

_What is this constant fear remaining? Is it yours or does it belong to the boy you once were?_

"I'm blinded? Then who do you think I am? The boy that you saw would have never done this," the low voice vibrated along with the strings of time as if everything around them was connected to the angel with black wings that had burned most of the clothes on his body and reached out, making him wince in pain and pull his wrist back, burned and blooming into another thin, white scar. "He should've kept you warm and he should've done it all, but he just wallowed in his own misery, failing to protect you from harm. There's nothing left of him apart from those memories."

His lips trembled and the power within him felt like it was about to burst. The sound of ripping fabric accompanied his next exhale as he looked up to meet those pitch-black eyes, to look for a hint of a lie in them. They weren't the same eyes, for that there was too much determination in them, they narrowed more and didn't portray as much fear as he remembered from the beautiful face with curved lips. The man in front of him was fighting him in every way possible, with the heat that left white marks on his hands, his hurtful words that resembled daggers and the proximity that made it difficult for him to resist, to forget the way he had felt before remembering, before associating a powerful angel with a young, scared boy.

"Of course," he hissed and focused his power to his fingertips as he reached out, grabbing the angel's naked shoulders and throwing him back against the wall with as much power as he could muster. Not a second passed during which he allowed space between them. He felt the heat against his nails and his skin, how the blood that his grip had forced out dried up and left almost black marks on those shoulders. His eyes were focused on those pitch-black orbs without a pupil, seeing only the face of an angel. "That boy would have never hurt me."

"Mhm. But unlike him, I'd rather hurt you than to see you hurting yourself," the angel chuckled as the wall crumbled from the force but he didn't seem to mind. "I guess he would've never come here and pulled you out of this shit hole, because he was too scared of everything. I'm not. I'm not scared of anything."

_He's making a mistake, assuming that you don't belong here._

"How is this place any more of a shithole than where you are going to take me?" His voice was barely recognizable, no more than a growl as a hint of relief passed through him along with each wave of power he allowed into his body. His wings were spread out, scratching over the wall on each side of the other man.

"I thought eternity was a shithole but turns out you're really good at making it even worse for yourself. Do you like getting hurt? Why are you so mad at me for burning your skin then? I thought you liked pain. Or is it nicer when a human does it?" Hoseok licked his blood red lips and lifted one of his curved mouth corners, black eyeballs absorbing all the light at once.

_Fuck him._

The angel was getting to him, throwing wave after wave of power against his defenses along with his words. His anger and the fear that still remained didn't fit together, didn't seem to belong to the same person. The boy he once was had always felt dirty and not good enough, was that still him? Wasn't he the one who turned those fears into reality?

_Is he blind?_

"You don't fucking know what you are talking about. You hated me for belonging to humans, so what changed? Why would you want something used, I thought you liked it fucking pure," he yelled and tightened his grip, forgetting about the sharpness of his claws as they added streams of dried black to the angel’s arms. "There is no salvation, Hoseok. Neither for you nor for me. You're caught in the fog and I'll never be satisfied."

"Go ahead, demon. Dig deeper, but it won't silence me. Since when did you want salvation? And since when do I? You hate it, don't you? That this time it's some angel telling the truth while you're trying to fight it like a helpless child, scratching my skin and hoping that I stop. You will never be satisfied with anybody who isn't me. Maybe you've been seeing that boy inside me, the boy I'm not, but I feel how your claws rip my skin open and pour the soothing energy right back in. Truth is, there's nobody that you want inside this fucking place. Nobody, but me. That's why your wings are moving towards my hands, knowing that I will touch them just the right way. They are so pretty." The angel licked his lips once again and reached out, brushing his burning fingertips over the lower part of his right wing.

"Shut up," he hissed but his whole body curled from the wave of pleasure that washed over him, blurring his senses and making him yearn for more, more of the feeling and more power surrounding him. "Shut the fuck up," he repeated but his right arm was already wrapping around the other man's neck and pulling him closer, letting his chest meet the burning heat of the angel's body. The power buzzing beneath his skin made the temperature bearable, pleasant even as each touch only gained in intensity the more energy he allowed his body to use.

"Shut-" he didn't finish, word getting stuck before it reached his lips, fingers sinking into white hair, pulling it just enough to arrange that curved mouth right in front of him. A taste that he yearned for, mentally begged for, desired with every cell of his body. "Burn me."

"You-" the angel breathed against his lips, tracing the bottom one with his burning tongue and nibbling on it. One arm wrapped around his waist and pulled him closer, drowning him in the familiar scent of power and something that he knew from before. "You make so much more sense with your wings out," Hoseok murmured and clashed their lips together.

"Burn me," he repeated and struggled to catch his breath all over again, unwilling to part from the hot mouth against his, the power that spread throughout his whole body and only made him want more. "Take me away from here and burn me, Hoseok."

***

First, there was noise and then the complete absence of noise, every sound caught in time, caught in his grip that he didn’t plan on loosening. Not before he had him. Not before Hyungwon was his.

Maybe he had been lucky, not connected to humans in any way during his past life and looking forward to something that never existed in the first place. It might have helped him to remain focused, to not care about all those humans around and only keep his eyes on the handsome face, those bright blue eyes that got brighter every second, after every word that he spoke provocatively, hurtful words, but true words. He was an angel and he had no reasons to hide the truth. Maybe it hurt and it seemed like his words did just like his burning hands did, but it didn’t make them less genuine and not any less true.

_He is trying to be human so badly. Something that he can never be. Is he trying to be human so he has a reason not to be with you?_

Maybe. But he wasn’t the shy boy who didn’t know what to do, felt powerless, helpless. He was Hoseok. An angel, the most powerful of them all and he had never wanted anything as much as he wanted this.

‘Thoughts are the shadows of our feelings -- always darker, emptier and simpler,’ Nietzsche had said, and he had been right. His thoughts were only a pitiful shadow of what he felt. What he felt was the buzzing power within his chest, in his fingertips, burning through the fabric of his clothes as the familiar words coursed through his mind repeatedly, suddenly gaining sense where he wasn’t able to find any before.

_‘He who has a why to live for can bear almost any how.’_

_You have a why._

_He is the why._

_It’s him._

His goal had been clear as soon as his black wings ripped through the fabric and he accumulated the energy inside one spot within his chest. He wanted Hyungwon. But his longing wasn’t directed at the cute, bright boy that ran after him and joked, not the boy who carefully kissed him on the floor, hands shaking. He wanted the demon with his big white wings, the scars on his wrist and bright eyes that looked dangerous and animalistic. The demon who whispered I'm sorry, leaving for some empty pleasure with a human that would then forget. He wanted the see the spark, not the tired, empty gaze that he had seen countless times when Hyungwon left the humans on the bed, feeling used and forgotten after a single night. He wanted the demon who held onto time so tightly so he wouldn’t get hurt, who let those glass shards float through the air infinitely as they had each other in a foggy haze, drunk on power. He wanted those claws inside his shoulders, the crumbled wall beneath his feet and those lips hissing at him to shut up, to shut up and to make him burn, skin buzzing from the sheer force that the gorgeous demon constantly tried to hide, but never quite managed. Not with him.

_You know that he wants you, but he doesn’t know that you don’t want anything if it doesn’t have him._

The ‘take me away from here’ was a signal for him to let go of the strings, to loosen his grip for Hyungwon to unfold his power, to take them wherever the demon wanted them to be, so he did and the walls disappeared around them from one moment to the next. The energy felt insane and barely bearable, but he loved every single second of it, loved the wall of an apartment that Hyungwon pushed him against, and the picture frame that froze in the middle of a fall and crashed on the floor. He loved the perfumed air of some sex shop, loved lifting Hyungwon on top of the counter and sinking his teeth into his delicate neck, warm and overflowing with energy like a powerplant. His hands traveled over the slim waist, those round hips, firm thighs, white wings. He gave every single fingertip enough time to touch, to feel the golden skin with all its dents and bones sticking through, with tiny hard nipples and round curves of each rib. The touches made his own body feel more of the entity in his arms, of his ‘why’. Of the single being that he ever had feelings for.

Next, there was sand and their skin was met with cold wind, sweat catching sand grains like diamonds and creating a piece of art on their half-naked bodies and his lungs felt like he was breathing ocean when Hyungwon changed his mind and he found himself hovering over the demon, hands pressed into a mattress with a white blanket pooling at their feet.

The knowledge and the memories still tugged at his mind when he looked down, but it was new. All of it felt like it was new because it was strange. The beauty of the round face framed by pitch-black hair, his round, golden cheeks, red parted lips, a bloody cherry and those eyes resembling a moon glowing ice blue with a black hue that adjusted with his proximity, capturing him and keeping him inside the black circle, longing for everything at once like his infinity consisted of his infinite desire.

_He is holding himself back. He still does._

“I want to have you. I want you and I want everything you are,” he breathed out, leaving bite marks on the demon’s delicious neck that still reminded him of pastries, but he traveled lower and lower, setting the remaining fabric on fire with his fingertips and listening to Hyungwon’s hisses as the flames kissed his skin without burning it. As he had remembered, there was no cloud-like mole, just those thin scars on his slim wrist. The two times that he left a mark on the invincible body. “You don’t want to be everything that you are, I know, you are running away from everything that you are. But when your wings come out and your eyes get so bright that it burns to look into them, that’s when my whole body is buzzing and I feel like I was finally reborn mortal and ready to live. So, show me more, I know there is more. Give it to me, Hyungwon.”

"It won't end," the gorgeous man exhaled as his black hair contrasted with the white sheets and his thighs shifted to make more space for him. Those ice blue eyes held him captive like a prisoner, refusing the key and wrapping rope after rope around his shoulders. He didn't even mind, feeling it become more and more difficult to distance himself, as if staying away itself was painful, physically impossible.

"My power won't end." He could trace the truth of the words with his fingertips, how energy buzzed below them with each wave that the demon allowed to spread throughout his lean body. It wasn't everything and he knew it, but he wanted everything, wanted to see it and burn with it too. "It won't end and you will never be satisfied, Hoseok."

"I can never be satisfied when I don't have you. It's not the power itself. It's the combination of the source and the vessel. But…" licking his lips, he used as much force as he was able to, feeling it constrict his throat and make it difficult to move as he lifted his body up forcefully to tease.

_It's almost as if it'll destroy you if you resist._

"Did you take me to the sex shop, the ocean and then here to talk about your power?" he asked, barely able to keep his reaction hidden.

"No." A smile passed over the cherry-colored mouth as Hyungwon grasped for his hair and tugged just enough to lead his lips to a path of the demon's inner thigh. A breathy exhale was his reward as black hair was tousled by the way Hyungwon rubbed it over the sheets. It couldn't have been the touch alone, combined with power that separated them from everything else, humans, time and their own memories. "I took you here, so you can take me."

He smiled in reply and continued tracing every bit of golden skin with his mouth, his tongue, his hands, and despite feeling the desire, the heat and the waves of energy, there was this tiny pulling, a slim string of doom that stemmed from the place his emotions came from. It could've been a reaction to the way Hyungwon's energy was about to hurt him, but somehow, the explanation wasn't sufficient.

_But you're here. Here with him and there's nothing that you want more._

"Everything about you is so breathtakingly beautiful," he whispered and mobilized more power from within, making his fingertips leak, brushing them over the small nipples, the middle of Hyungwon's flat stomach, his pretty hipbones and his perfect length. "I want you to be mine."

"Funny how that is the sentence I hear the most." Hyungwon's legs wrapped around his neck and pulled him down as fingers simultaneously tugged at his hair, undecided about where exactly the demon wanted him the most. "Your power gets me fucking high. How can I deny you anything like this? Fuck."

"Maybe you do hear it all the time, but how many times have you heard it from the same mouth?" he hissed, feeling a little angry at the mention and how he was compared to some humans who only painted emptiness on the demon's gorgeous features. He leaned forward, lips grazing the prominent collarbones and leaving bites, marks, anything that showed that he wasn't human even if he had a soul.

A moan was his reward this time along with less coordination in Hyungwon's motions as he basked in the power and the high it provided. Still, he felt fingers tugging at his hair, making him look up and meet the demon's gaze.

"Say it again and it will be twice."

"Be mine," he breathed heat against Hyungwon's cherry mouth and couldn't hold back from leaning in and tasting it, drawing its shape with his tongue and feeling Hyungwon's body flush against his own. It was the first time that he wanted something more than for infinity to end.

"For how long?" Hyungwon asked into their kiss, fingers tracing the shell of his ear and legs wrapping around his waist instead. Each touch felt like an explosion between them, an exchange of power that pulled a gasp from the demon's lips.

"Maybe, until heaven and hell come together and kill us both," he whispered with a grin, swallowing the strange taste before his lips found the delicious mouth again, attaching to it. "For infinity."

Hyungwon didn't reply, but the way lean arms wrapped around him and pulled him closer revealed more than words could. The demon's lips returned the kiss, deepening it with every second. It almost seemed as if Hyungwon couldn't breathe if it wasn't him, if there were no waves of power transcending between them. Time slowed, as if his reply had been enough for the demon to want to keep the moment, slow it down and transform it into the infinity he had promised.

_But can you really act as if nothing happened?_

He tried not to think about it, but those words still echoed in his mind because he was unable to forget. The words described how devastated Hyungwon must've felt, knowing about the struggles of the person he had been in the past and connecting it to the way he had lived until now.

_He said you should get something pure because he's dirty._

"Before I listen to everything going on inside me and make a mistake I won't be able to forgive myself for, can you tell me one thing? Do you still think that you are dirty, Hyungwon?" he asked quietly, resting his weight on the demon's body, imagining that it gave him an advantage in case the other man decided to run away from him again.

The switch in gaze was immediate, ice blue focusing on him and feeling as cold as the color was despite the power that still remained at Hyungwon's fingertips. Only the flow changed as the force that had spread throughout the lean body slowly trickled into the demon's middle.

"Why?" Hyungwon asked and smiled suddenly, grip of his legs providing friction as if to distract him. "Is it so obvious? I thought my demonic side covered that up for you."

"In the end it's still you, independent of the side. I want you so much that my mind is stuttering, but I'm-"

_You're scared. Like the boy you once were._

Maybe he had the same feelings, but it didn't mean that he was the same. He couldn't be the same. "I'm scared to hurt you, to be too rough, add scars to your wrists and make you feel dirty too. I want to give you everything you need, but I have to know if having me is what you need." He lifted his hand and wrapped it around Hyungwon's round chin. "Don't play around with me and tell me what the issue is. I'm no human, I can't guess, so don't even try lying to me."

"They can't guess it either," the demon replied, but some of the amusement had faded away, leaving a rawness that he remembered from before, eyes that revealed their thoughts and feelings, a hint of hurt and what looked like affection. But was it really?

"Maybe my memories aren't lying to me after all," Hyungwon continued and covered his palm with his own, brushing his thumb over his fingers. "There is still a lot of the hesitant boy within you, but it's not your behavior. It's your beliefs, the thought that I might not desire you when you have spoken the truth yourself only moments ago. You are the only one who can make me feel this way, can't you see?"

_He expects you to, but you can't._

"I can't see. I can only feel it when you let go, so I'm trying to make you. I'm not the same person, but like him, I can't handle the thought of anything causing you harm. You told me I should want something pure, but I don't want anything, I don't want infinity and I don't want existence if I don't have you, so what am I supposed to say to that? Just have me, Hyungwon. Take me. I'm yours."

For a brief moment he struggled to differentiate his memories and the man in front of him as long fingers trembled against his palm. There was so much of the boy he remembered, the boy who thought of himself as dirty and undeserving, fighting misconceptions and struggling to stay alive. But the moment of confusion was gone as quickly as it came, leaving the image of a gorgeous demon with bright eyes who bit down on his bottom lip to hide his emotional reaction to his words. The other man's face disappeared into the crook of his neck, teeth nibbling along his shoulder and tongue leaving a hot trail from his neck to his collarbone. The touch was affectionate, the opposite of the desperation and playfulness he had observed before. Hyungwon had played him like a human before, expecting him to desire the same things from him, as brief as they could be. But he wasn't a human and pointless naivety and lack of experience had never been what he looked for in the man lying under him.

The kisses continued to his chest before travelling back up, covering all of him and leaving him buzzing with power and the need to reach out and touch in return. Hyungwon's hands tightened around his neck and pulled at his arms, turning their bodies and climbing on top of him as soon as his back made contact with the mattress. Delicious thighs rested on each side of his hips and the demon leaned in to kiss him.

"Something still pulls at me, letting me know that I shouldn't, but having you this close and graspable makes it so difficult to give a shit. You're mine, Hoseok."

The gentle kiss transformed into a clash of lips and hands that roamed all over his body, filling it with power and accepting energy in return as Hyungwon lifted his hips enough to wrap his warmed-up fingers around his length. The switch was sudden, but the desire he could see wasn't playful or faked. It was the same desire for his strength he had observed before, the dizziness and pleasure that changed the hue of ice blue into a color he had no words to describe.

Having Hyungwon so close, feeling every single string of energy that entered him as he entered the demon's body led to the understanding of what differentiated the shy boy from the angel that he was now. Back then, he could never quite let go and let another person have him completely, thinking that he didn't belong to himself in the first place, that he had no right, that he had promised himself to God. But right now, the entities that came closest to what he imagined God to be was he himself and the demon moving on top of him.

_There is nobody else. Just you and him._

The flow of time stopped and sounds around them stilled, everything apart from breathy gasps, low moans that sounded rich like music, sounds of their hands roaming each other’s bodies and the strings of power intertwining inside them, more and more until the walls around them disintegrated and reassembled again. They were playing with reality, holding all the strings in their hands and pulling at them over and over again.

_As soon as he lets the strength within him free, there will be nothing the two of you can't do._

"Drown me," he breathed out, wrapping his hands around those round hips, accumulating more and more energy before releasing it in a motion of his hips, right where their bodies connected. "Drown me in yourself, Hyungwon."

The man, the devil on top of him was restless, eyes so bright they outshone the white of snow. Each motion of his hips sent another wave of power through the slim body and he could see it travel over Hyungwon's skin, glimmering just enough for him to recognize it. Moans sounded from the plump mouth, but they didn't echo around them. They couldn't when time stood still and they were the only ones moving, moving together and building a force that went beyond what each of them was capable of.

White wings spread to their full size and the demon threw his head back, gasping for air as he slammed his hips down and parted his lips in a sound of pleasure. The sheer power he possessed was at the tips of his fingertips, fueled by something that couldn't have been his demonic side alone, not when a demon didn't have such powers. Not when an angel didn't have such powers either. The force must have been their souls, fueling their touches and combining into something that exploded within them.

A single scream of his name and a few more motions of Hyungwon's body on top of him were enough to feel several things at once. The demon's thighs pulled together and the lean body contracted around his length, sending pleasure through him. At the same time the power that had been contained within Hyungwon's chest broke free, spilling from his fingertips and searching for a place that could contain it, treasure it.

"I can't control it," Hyungwon breathed out when hot liquid spilled between their bodies and invisible hands wrapped around his neck, applying pressure until he accepted the power within himself, just like the demon accepted his. Golden scars that had remained on Hyungwon's hands faded away and left flawless skin. Time wasn't able to harm them anymore. Nothing was.

His hands couldn't stay still, even after the explosion and the constricting burning around his throat, they continued roaming Hyungwon's body that felt warm, but never as warm as his own was, as if that one difference couldn't be wiped away no matter how much they tried, how much heat there was between them, those long fingers remained cold in his own.

_You keep thinking about it._

He did and the thoughts connected to a feeling of unspecific dread, doom, thin threads making it seem as if it was somehow related.

"I think," he murmured, "I think that if there's a God, it must be you." Smiling he pulled the slim body into his arms, feeling Hyungwon's lips against his jaw and wrapping his wings around them both like a cocoon. A place to keep them safe. "Maybe that's the reason for feeling uneasy."

"There is no God," the demon replied, but didn't look up, cool skin remaining against his own as fingers danced over his shoulders and wings. "The uneasiness is shared between us. Maybe it's a side effect of having a soul, of keeping human qualities that leave doubt."

He shook his head, raking his fingers through the silky strands with his eyes closed. "I know doubt. I've known doubt since I came to exist. This time it's not doubts, it's something that goes deeper and is connected to the way we lived as humans before, to the kind of person I was. When I think about your body, why it still feels cold like back then, why I haven't been able to warm you up and why I still fail to, then it pulls at my insides and my throat feels like there's a hand around it, pressing the air together until there's no way for it to get into my lungs."

Hyungwon hummed quietly, still caressing his skin and pressing a soft kiss to his jaw.

"For me it feels like I need to run, get the punishment that I deserve and stay away. Before, it felt like I needed to reach for you or I would go crazy, but since we've been in the fog it just feels like…" The demon inhaled, searching for the right words. "It feels like I'm the reason for the liquid dread in my chest."

Again, he shook his head, this time humming quietly to show his disagreement. He felt like there must be something they didn't know tugging from the soul they carried and making them feel lost and full of fear. "What if… we separated… what if I let go of your hands, making them freeze like this? I feel like there must be something left inside the fog. Something we failed to see because we had to leave. Something that explains why we exist."

This time the other man lifted his head to meet his gaze, expression difficult to read.

"You mean why our souls didn't leave the way they should have? Why we haven't gone peacefully after living a fulfilling life? You were religious, according to heaven it should have been so easy for you to leave."

"Mhm. I know. I thought about that when we returned. Something must've changed for me, in the way I thought and felt for my soul to fight and stay. There is nobody I know who isn't human and has a soul. I couldn't stay in heaven for long so I was sent here because I could do what nobody else could, and it seems to be the same with you. I want to know because it eats me from the inside, but I can't do it without you," he breathed out, cupping the soft cheeks and lifting the handsome face just enough to kiss Hyungwon's gorgeous red lips, look at those bright eyes fluttering shut. "Would you like to know?"

A smile appeared on the demon's face as he chuckled. "How could I call myself knowledge otherwise?"

"Well, you were pretty picky with what you considered knowledge and what you didn't want to know, so I can't tell." He grinned, masking some of the remaining dread and nervousness that bubbled within his chest when he held the beautiful demon flush against his body, tightening his wings around them and accumulating enough strength to shift dimensions. His power felt indescribably rich, unstoppable and never ending after they had loved each other, creating more of what they owned and sharing it with each other.

"I won't hurt you. If you stay close to me like this, it will be safe. Just… please don't let go of me," he whispered as the dimensions shifted, space disintegrating into nothingness, white into black, until it turned grey, thick and cold enough to send a shiver down his spine.

"Why does this place feel like I belong here?" the demon murmured and the tone of his voice suggested it was supposed to be a joke, but the tight grip and lack of inhales suggested otherwise. "The feeling is getting worse. As if something within me is fighting. Do you feel it too?"

"I've been here often enough to know this place like the back of my hand, but it feels different being here with you. I'm scared, but I want to know. I want to know because I can't handle feeling dread when I'm next to you." He leaned in and kissed the parted lips again, feeling how cold they were, how rigid Hyungwon remained in his arms despite the power within him, despite the white wings and despite his own covering them both. "Whatever might happen, don't let go of me and I'll keep you safe," he whispered, feeling the pulling inside his stomach turn into pain that travelled over his arms, his chest, ripping tiny holes into it and letting the ice-cold fog enter him as he looked into the warm chestnut brown eyes, losing focus.


	11. A grave made of snow and the vibrant color of a broken promise

_London, January 1890_

____________________

His fingers pressed into the pearl-white snow, one after the other. The result was a flower, joining several others that he had created around himself. They reminded him of spring and made the air seem so much warmer than it was.

_Maybe you're numb and it's your thoughts playing tricks on you._

Right there, behind the bakery, the snow always remained untouched like a cloud, floating high above where nobody could reach it. The indentation in the wall, right next to one of the tubes, was so much warmer than any other place outside. Some of the heat from the oven stayed and met the skin of his legs, penetrating through the fabric and keeping them from becoming numb and falling asleep.

_You mustn't fall asleep._

His thoughts circled around the spot on the floor close to the oven he had always slept on, the second shirt Hoseok had given him that he used as a blanket. It seemed like a luxury now that his body was curled up in the snow and his naked fingers drew flowers to cheat his mind.

His mind returned to all moments in his life that he had felt better, the times he was in a hot embrace, the times he was wrapped in a hot blanket with a homemade scone, the time Hoseok kissed him in the water of a bathtub filled with petals.

"It will be okay," he whispered out loud and wriggled his fingers, disappointed that he stopped feeling them. If one said the words loud enough and got convinced, then they were going to come true. One only needed to be convinced about survival, then it simply had to work out.

"It will be okay," he repeated, but it was still no more than a whisper. The baker hadn't found anybody new to clean up, so he was still working and a wrong sound might have cost him the only source of warmth he had.

_The only one apart from Hoseok._

He hadn't dared to go up to the church. After all, the other boy would have only worried about him and might have gotten in trouble again, skin colored various shades of blue. His fingers and lips were blue too, but those were bearable, numb.

"Bloody hell," someone cursed and he got startled, body rigid and expecting pain as he wrapped his arms around his head automatically. Maybe he was lucky that his limbs turned numb. Numbness was like a cruel friend, protecting him, but hurting him the next moment. The seconds ticked by, but the sharp sensation didn't come. Instead there was the burning, almost painful warmth of someone's hands, stroking over his arm carefully, almost hesitantly. "What happened? Why are you not inside?"

_This can't be._

"Oh," he breathed out as he carefully removed his arms from around his head and was met with Hoseok's beautiful face, his body, tightly wrapped in a coat, a hat and even a scarf that curled around his neck and only left the sight of curved lips, rosy cheeks and almost black eyes. "I must be dreaming."

He smiled, wondering if the mind was capable of such visions. It was better than his attempts to have the snow flowers feel like spring. If he could imagine Hoseok's hot hands on his arms, then it was going to be alright.

"You're not. How long have you been out here? It's freezing and you don't even have a coat. You must be so cold, oh no," the low voice muttered laced with worry and affection, accompanied by those fingers burning his skin and pulling him closer, wrapping a scarf around his neck and hanging a heavy coat on his shoulders, or maybe it was just a feeling and nothing was happening, he couldn't tell. "Let's go to Father's house and warm up. He won't come home until tomorrow at ten. Can you walk?"

_Father's house?_

"He'll hurt you," he exclaimed and shook his head, trying to squish himself closer to the pipe that released warmer air. "The baker found out that I was sleeping in the bakery, but it will be okay. Everything will be fine."

The words didn't sound as convincing anymore, especially now that the coat warmed his body just enough to feel how deep the cold has gotten, burning all the way to his bones.

"You will sleep with me. There's no way you will stay out in the freezing cold. Let's go, Hyungwon, just wrap your arm around me like this." It sounded like a dream and it must've been, just like the wool fabric that he imagined around his shoulders, his arm being wrapped around Hoseok's broad neck and having the other boy's strong arm on his waist, holding him up.

"Will you take me to that heaven you dream of?" he whispered and leaned in to see if his mind could reproduce the scent. It smelled so sweet, as sweet as salvation could be. It couldn't have been his mind, it wasn't able to do the sweetness any justice.

"The only one I dream about is you, and you're way too young to see anything of heaven. Later. When you're old and smile thinking about it, let's go together then." Hoseok's voice was trembling, pulling the sounds a little and he wondered if it was his crooked perception or if the boy who was only wearing thin clothes and held him as they walked towards Father's house, really sounded scared.

_He's scared because of you, isn't he?_

"I won't go," he murmured and tried what others did so easily, to believe the words. "I'll be in hell, waiting for you. But for now, there is nothing to fear. I have you, Hoseok."

"You do. You have all of me and you can't go to hell. I need you. So please hold on a little more, we're almost there."

Their steps and their whispers sounded like a big secret in the freezing winter night where everything seemed unreal. The words, the warm hands on his waist and that he looked like someone who could afford a coat.

_He's taking you home. That's where you are going, to his home._

"Will he find us?" he whispered and buried his face in the crook of Hoseok's warm, uncovered neck. He wanted to hide away and take the other boy with him, be as close as possible and as far from everybody else as they could. "You're always my salvation, even in my dreams. There is no need for a God. That bastard never cared about me anyway."

"I don't know, but you will stay with me for tonight, and tomorrow you will stay with me too and the day after tomorrow. Church has taught me that all suffering is deserved, but I don't think so. I can't believe it is. You don't deserve any of it. It's cruel." Hoseok curled his fingers around the handle with his shaky hands, letting the seconds pass before the key found its way into the hole and unlocked it with a brief screeching noise. It was dark, but the boy didn't turn on any light, pulling him into the warm house and listening to the sound of the lock returning to its place. "I feel no need for salvation because all that I've wanted is meaningless if you aren't here with me."

He hummed, warming himself even more with those words than with the coat around his shoulders. It seemed magical to be standing inside a warm house in the dark with the boy he liked the most, as if there was a way for them to be close to each other without hiding out of sight.

_Maybe nobody will find you if the light stays off._

He smiled at his childish thought and realized once again that Hoseok must have missed the reason everybody else considered his suffering deserved.

"But you know, don't you? I'm the son of a whore, Hoseok." He hated saying the word but making it pretty didn't change anything about it. To people it was just a word, a sentence, but to him it was about a person, an important person that wasn't with him anymore.

"And I'm a son of nobody, so do I… not exist then? I don't know who my mother is and even though… even though I do know who my father is, he seems to have forgotten about my existence, that I still carry his blood. All this time, I only had God, but now I have you. You, the most beautiful creature of the whole creation coming to me like a gift." Hoseok's burning fingertips carefully unwrapped the scarf and pulled down the coat before stroking over his cheeks, his neck and it felt so intimate in the dark. "You are your mother's son, Hyungwon."

He held his breath, fighting the burning in his chest and on his cheeks, the feeling that for the first time somebody cared less about the title and more about the person. The person he cared about so much that it hurt.

"Will you warm me up?" he whispered and reached out to stroke over Hoseok's shoulders and arms in return. The boy's skin was a little cooler than usual, affected by the icy air outside and giving up the warm coat for him. "I just want to be next to you. I don't need more than that."

"I will do anything to warm you up. You were delirious when I found you, so we need to do it quickly. Let's go to- to my bed, but first…" Swallowing hard, Hoseok wrapped his fingers around his wrist and pulled him to the kitchen first, forcing him to drink a glass of warm water and to eat a piece of bread with butter before pulling on his grip and taking him down the stairs. His feet barely listened, but when they arrived downstairs in the dark, Hoseok opened the door to a room he had never seen before. A small lamp lit up the rather narrow space that appeared empty compared to every other room in the house. A bookshelf with different versions of religious writings, a cross on the wall and a mattress covering most of the wooden floor.

_Why… does he live like this?_

A mattress was a luxury to him and so was a warm place to stay, a place with a candle or anything to cover his body with, but not when the house that Hoseok lived in contained so many more luxuries. There were large bookshelves, sturdy furniture, decorations, rich and thick winter coats, but still the other boy was sleeping on a simple mattress with nothing but God and religious writing next to him.

_You should have been next to him instead._

"I… I didn't know," he murmured and carefully kneeled on the mattress. It was soft under his knees and he held back a sigh from how good it felt. "Why is your room like this if the rest of the house is covered in riches? Aren't you obedient and pure, the best of the boys? I heard him say that about you."

"He gives me a place to stay and comfort only distracts from prayers, he says. But my blanket is warm because I sewed another one to it secretly. It will make you feel warm right away!" The boy smiled, pink cheeks and warm fingers playing with the seam of his pants, gaze travelling over his room to him as he kneeled on the mattress.

_He makes him suffer with the excuse of religion while living luxuriously himself._

"I want you to join me," he began and took off his shirt, instantly feeling the cold air against his skin but welcoming what was to come. "But without clothes. Can you do that?"

He knew that being close twice, didn't mean that it was easy for the boy who carefully stepped forward, hands reaching for the buttons on his shirt. It was so quiet that the buzzing of electricity almost drowned the rough exhale that came from those curved lips when the white shirt, pure and clean, fell on the floor next to the mattress and those burning fingertips came closer from the back and traced a line down his neck.

He held his breath, anticipating what was about to come and unwilling to miss a single sound that left the other boy's mouth, words or only an exhale. His hands acted on their own as they reached for the uncovered skin, caressing it with his fingertips and drawing lines as if reading the future from the unique moles and how they connected close to Hoseok's navel.

"Are you scared?" he asked and smiled, moving forward to be closer, have his nose brush over the fabric of the other boy's pants. Being in the warm room still didn't feel real, not after not knowing if he was going to survive the night.

"No," Hoseok breathed out, but it sounded like the truth accompanied by a smile, by more of the burning fingers around his shoulders, cupping his face and tracing his jaw. "I'm not scared. I just want you so much that my hands shake."

"I'm not scared either, not of being touched or touching in return." He undid the buttons holding Hoseok's pants around his hips and let them slip down, leaving a few kisses on the naked thighs. They were so warm, burning against his nose and lips. "I'm only scared of the moment this has to stop."

"I won't leave you." Hoseok kneeled in front of him, cupping his face with both palms and leaned forward, closer and closer until he could feel the moisture from those inhales on his lips. Maybe they were cold enough for it to condensate. "I am past the point where I'm still trying to persuade myself. I'm past the point of no return now, Hyungwon. It's too late for me."

"Then why don't you leave this place behind?" It was a brave question, something he shouldn't have expected of the boy in front of him. Hoseok might have received less than he deserved and been treated badly because of him, but the beautiful boy still had a place to stay and food to eat. There was nothing he could have offered to make leaving worth it, nothing at all.

_You can't even survive on your own._

"Didn't you say that you have a father, why did your father send you here? It's not the place for you." No matter what the other boy thought or insisted on, he was too pure for the church, for the manipulative games they played and the lock they put on genuine feelings, be they towards a man or a woman.

"My father… thinks that this is what's good for me. Or for someone, I'm not sure. I've left some of it behind already because I can't accept that… that loving you is supposed to be sin." Hoseok stuttered, nervous and letting his fingers dance over his arms absentmindedly, before the boy let himself fall on the mattress and took him along.

He instantly wrapped his arms around the burning body, enjoying the skin on skin contact, even if there were still too many layers between them. It seemed surreal to hear such words from Hoseok's lips, a confession about something neither of them really dared to speak of, to admit out loud. It had been their secret, touches and kisses shared in the dark, but now they had transformed into words. Words of love.

"I-" he tried and wondered why Hoseok had been able to say it out loud while the words seemed to be stuck in his throat. He felt them, for as long as he could remember, about the boy in his arms, but keeping them quiet was protection, the best he could do to keep Hoseok safe. Safe from him.

"Hyungwon, you… you don't need to love me back. I don't expect it from you. I'm just too happy that you're here. With me." Hoseok stroked over his hair and reached for the blanket, pulling it over their bodies to keep them warm. His embrace tightened and it felt wrong to remain silent about what had been so clear to him all along.

"It's not that I don't return your feelings," he whispered and used his right hand to pull his pants down his hips, kicking to abandon them at the edge of the mattress. "It's that I felt them for so long, that having them out in the open seems so scary to me. It's not something we can say out loud or even show anybody. This… isn't friendship so it's… different."

"It might be different, but it surely isn't bad. It can't be bad because yesterday… I read something and it stayed on my mind since then. 'That which is done out of love is always beyond good and evil,' it said. To me, it means that I love you and that nobody else has a say in that. It's beyond their power to do anything about this, so it exists and it has a right to."

_He must be right. If even somebody like him feels that way then it must be right._

"But what if somebody finds out?" he asked, voice breathy because the image scared him. "What if Father finds out? He will hurt you because of me. I don't want that, Hoseok."

"But how can anything hurt more than not having you next to me? Tell me what is more painful than that?" Hoseok whispered, roaming over his back, the curve of his spine, burning thigh slipping between his legs to have him closer. "Father… I keep thinking there must be a limit to hurting your own flesh and blood, isn't there?"

_His own flesh and blood?_

His eyes widened at what the words entailed, but it couldn't be, could it? Father was a priest, sworn to God through chastity, so how could he have a son? How… unless he himself allowed _sin_ to take over him, sin that he despised in everybody devoted to God. Everybody but himself.

_Punishing his own mistakes in others._

"It's disgusting," he muttered and struggled to contain his anger, his frustration. He knew that humanity was like this, that rules were broken easily in order to stay in favor while people like him and the boy in his arms suffered for the mistakes of others. "You're his salvation, his way of returning God's favor that he still believes in. He treats you like an instrument and not like his flesh and blood."

"But he gives me a place to live and now I can hold you under the blanket and feel your body and listen to your voice. I have to be thankful right now because there's nothing I would rather do and nowhere I would rather be." Hoseok cupped his cheek with his palm and wrapped his free arm around his waist, pulling him closer and making him feel every bit of the burning skin against his own. The boy brushed his curved lips over his, before catching them in a kiss that fueled the longing inside his stomach. "I'm kissing the person I love and it feels like I've lived all my life waiting for this one moment. I keep thinking that you're the heaven I was promised."

_What a sweet way to explain the unattainable._

He smiled, because he would have really loved to be exactly that, to be Hoseok's heaven while the boy was his salvation. It wasn't the kind of salvation that the church spoke of, a freeing of the mind that left nothing but God and truth or whatever it was supposed to be. It was the kind of salvation that took his fear of death, his fear of loneliness and transformed them into a feeling that must have been as close to happiness as he had ever experienced.

"If heaven is what you need, then heaven I shall be," he murmured and pressed his mouth against Hoseok's warm one, imagining the darkness around them become whole and swallowed them up, far from anybody else who might have been able to enter it.

***

'He has heart who knows fear, but vanquishes it; who sees the abyss, but with pride. He who sees the abyss, but with eagle's eyes, - he who with eagle's talons grasps the abyss: he has courage,' he had read in a book that was considered blasphemy. A book he wasn't allowed to read but that he inhaled like air during the night, hiding under his blanket and swallowing paragraph after paragraph, tasting the words on his tongue and feeling intrigued by their taste.

It talked about morals, about religion, arguing that there were two types of people in the world, those who wanted to know and those who wanted to believe. He had wanted to believe before, all his life he spent wanting to believe that there would be a better place for him, but now, he found himself wanting to know everything because that which is done out of love is always beyond good and evil.

He knew fear, but it wasn't the type of fear that came from expecting punishment, from knowing what physical pain felt like, the automatic tension and an attempt to let his thoughts leave his body to not endure it any longer. Real fear felt like finding the curled-up body behind the bakery, covered by nothing but a shirt and thin clothes, the golden skin looking bluish and surrounded by flowers drawn into the snow around him like a self-made grave.

His tears resembled streams flowing into a full cup that he tried not to spill as he removed his coat and scarf trying to make Hyungwon feel warm, trying to make Hyungwon feel anything but the delirious state he was in. Helplessness wrapped around his shoulders, shaking him and whispering in his ear that he was weak, that nothing he knew would help him to save the person he loved.

The person he loved.

He genuinely loved someone for the first time in his life and he could not give up. Not now and not ever. Not before he could say it, explain it, make the beautiful black-haired boy understand that he was worth everything he owned, everything he had, even if it wasn't much. Before, while reading the book, he wondered where he could gain courage for all that, to confess and to commit despite not knowing how to stay alive by himself, now, after seeing the slim body curled up in the snow and muttering words of desperation in his delirious state, he suddenly had all the courage in the world, because suddenly, nothing else mattered. The world seemed pointless if it lacked the beautiful bright smile and full lips, the low voice and those big, cold hands that made him want to burn, just to keep the boy in his arms warm forever. This must be love.

Love that was beyond good and evil.

Surely, he had thought about Father, about what it meant to do everything he wasn't supposed to do, that he was taught to consider sin, but he could take more bruises if it meant that at some point he would understand. Father would not kill his own child and eventually understand that it was love. That God himself proclaimed it the highest of them all.

_If you look into the abyss with eagle's eyes and grab the abyss, endure it, you will be free and you will be with him. You will have courage and you will overcome this, Hoseok._

His lips found the hot mouth and he found the first thread of courage to hold onto, confessing his love, breathing the scent of pastries and melting into the body of the person that came closer to heaven than anything he could've imagined.

"Are you scared?" he whispered, wrapping his leg around Hyungwon's slim hips and feeling sparks and butterflies and breathing the same air.

The other boy hummed and stroked over his hair, playing with it while their naked bodies shared warmth beneath the blanket and color finally returned to those beautiful lips.

"I'm scared of dying and not being next to you anymore. Because I saw your face."

"But you saw my face many times, haven't you? So why are you scared now?"

Hyungwon shook his head and brushed his lips over his temple, humming and sending vibrations to his own lips.

"When you found me, you looked so scared. I didn't realize at first, but I think I'm afraid of you feeling that way again. So, I can't die this winter."

His insides turned and he lifted both hands to cup Hyungwon's face and look at the boy, making sure that those big chestnut brown eyes met his. "Not this winter and not next winter. As long as there's still blood inside my body, I will be with you and I will keep you warm," he breathed out, kissing the boy's lips, his cheeks and his nose as if kissing would make his words more true, manifest them in space and time, offering protection.

"I would really like that," the low voice replied and Hyungwon shifted to intertwine their legs and caress his shoulders and arms. Every single touch was affectionate, as if the other boy did everything to be able to hold on. "The clock on your wall, it stopped."

A smile was on the plump mouth, as bright as the sun when it reflected in the snow outside. "As if time isn't passing when we are here. As if it doesn't matter what happens when he comes back tomorrow. I think I'm scared. Scared of your father returning. Father."

He perceived the exhaustion in his body, the lack of sleep and how Hyungwon's presence made him feel at ease in a way nothing ever could, lips attached to a soft patch of skin in the crook of the boy's neck and arms wrapped around his body so tightly that he imagined they could become one entity only if he held on for long enough. "I will talk to him after you go to work. Don't worry, it's what I want. I want him to understand." His fingers continued stroking over the boy's long black hair, taking new paths and calming him down because like this it really felt as if time stopped.

"Right now, it really feels like there is no difference between us. I'm just a human and so are you, two humans in love. Two humans… " The other boy's voice sounded drowsy, low and a little rougher because he must have been on the brink of sleep. There was no tension in his limbs, no fears or worries as he had experienced it before. Only long fingers that danced over his skin and warm breaths tickled his jaw, an inhale, a pause and an exhale. Over and over again.

"It's because you make me feel like a human, because I'm most human next to you," he breathed out quietly, his speech transforming into a feeling of drowsiness and he let himself fall into the familiar darkness that felt so much warmer with the person in his arms.

_

It was warm. So warm, that it felt like summer, the sun entering every pore of his body and seeping into his skin, collecting into a flow of heat and traveling with his blood to his limbs, his neck, his chest. A brief shift and he became aware of the weight in his arms, the body that was equally warm and painting a smile onto his sleepy face even before he opened his eyes.

_He is still in your arms. He is warm._

He knew that it was light outside, red as the back of his eyelids and a strange feeling bubbled within, a spark, a sound that shouldn't have been there, a brief moment of sudden realization, dread.

"You are the worst mistake of them all," he heard Father's voice, a hiss so close, too close and his eyes opened. First, he saw the round face in front of him, big chestnut brown eyes that were so filled with dread that he briefly forgot about his own, wrapping his arms tighter around the warm slim body.

"Don't let go of me. Don't let go and it will be fine, Hyungwon. Just don't let go of me," he breathed out before he turned, but all of it must be a dream, because how else could Father, his own flesh and blood, point a gun at him? Hovering over them like a judgment that he had never asked for, with the barrel pointed at his back.

"What…" he breathed out along with a sound so loud that time stopped, a pain he had never felt before spread throughout his chest and then the seconds continued flowing, red on the blanket, the sheets, feeling so warm and sticky between his fingertips.

_You said you will protect him as long as there's blood inside your body and now it's leaving._

"No," he whispered and turned as quickly as he could, but his motions seemed different, slow and stuck in time as he wrapped his arms as tightly as he could around the person he loved. "Not when you're finally warm, no." His voice sounded as if somebody else was speaking, there were more words but his consciousness slipped into the place where he couldn't feel the agonizing pain between his ribs, in his body, didn't feel the sticky warmth painting everything red like a broken promise. The clock on his wall stopped for real and he couldn't hold onto time that slipped from his fingers, slipped out of his body and faded away along with the light behind his eyelids.


	12. Fog, fire and a meeting with broken glass

_Eternal winter_

___________________

The crack between his ribs must’ve been the spot where the fog entered his body, cooling it down and numbing any other sensation, pulling his attention towards his face that burned, so unlike everything else. He reached out with his eyes closed and touched the liquid, warm and sticky between his fingers. Sticky like the blood he could still feel running down his side, soaking the surrounding fabric, sticking to the boy’s skin accompanied by the quiet music of questions, warm like his voice, warm like a last breath, warm like pleas still ringing in his ears. Don’t go. Don’t leave me. Don’t…

He opened his eyes, seeing nothing but grey thick fog, the place he came to be, the place where he had started his existence after his soul had fought days, months, maybe years, unable to leave his earthly body. There weren’t any visual memories he could refer to, but he remembered the feeling of receiving all that strength his soul had fought with at once, ripping through his shoulder blades and letting time dance around him with its strings bare, asking him to take them.

_And you did, pulling them so hard that something must've happened._

It was reminiscent of his current situation, standing in the thickest of all fogs, his wings spread, his chest empty, crying blood and existing with nothing at all. For days, for months, for years. Only that there was one single thought on his mind. A name.

_Hyungwon._

The solid clouds were pulled towards him, some lighting up from the shadows of souls that they contained and he took them all in, collected every single particle inside his lungs, in his middle, trying to find him, to feel him, but there was nothing.

“Hyungwon,” he screamed, but it only echoed and circled around him in a cold breeze. A breeze in a place that stood still.

He moved as fast as he could, floating and trying to find anything in nothingness. He had to find that one person in a sea of empty particles, in an ocean of light that had burned at some point but now only contained shadows of what once was. Just like he contained a shadow of what once was.

_A shadow of eternal loss._

He had lost the person he loved and himself, love wrapped in a self-made blanket, limbs heavy and mind naive and reckless, failing to protect them both from reality and the cruelty of it. More blood ran down his cheeks and maybe, if he cried more he could collect all the liquid he had lost, the blood that left him lonely, caught in infinity and still searching.

_Are you back to square one? Is he gone?_

A warm spark, a barely visible motion in the grey thickness and he immediately rushed over, wrapping his arms around the slim body that floated in the nothingness, curled up and it almost seemed as if there were white flowers painted into the fog. In a place he had expected to feel power, there was barely anything, a gaping cold and his burning tears dripping on the icy fingers, red as the only color he could see.

_You need to take him away from here._

Again, he accumulated as much force as he could, before the borders blurred, disintegrating and turning into a motel room, red walls and a white bed, the cold body in his shaking arms, wings folded and lips as grey as the fog had been.

_What if he lost too much of himself?_

“I told you not to let go of me,” he breathed out and more bloody witnesses of his feelings ran down his cheeks, stained the white sheets and made him want to forget that he could bleed at all.

_He must’ve died after you. He kept you warm when your body turned cold and you stayed motionless in his arms when he took his last breath. You left him to die alone._

His blood-stained fingers raked through the black strands, letting as much force as possible enter the cold skin with every motion of his hand. The dread they were feeling had a source and the source must've led to their existence in the here and now. He wasn’t the church boy who experienced love for the first time, losing it and losing himself at once, but he felt it all. His previous life had been an experience that influenced the way he thought and acted. That he understood.

_You never wanted to have a bed for yourself. You never wanted to have a person for yourself, for anybody to touch you and get hurt. You met Nietzsche and became friends because you connected to his words. You recognized the scent of freshly baked pastries on him and since then you've been lost. Your soul knows what it has lost and it won’t let you exist knowing that you let go of it. And he… was going from one bed to another, never staying long enough for it to hurt. You reminded him. What have you done?_

“I was the one who didn’t want to exist, remember? You wanted to live and feel everything, so please wake up. You still can do it all. Eternity is waiting for you,” he whispered and placed the demon’s head on his lap. Why was it so cruel? An angel and a demon. Two creatures that weren’t supposed to meet, but Gabriel had told him back then that the system doesn’t feel and it doesn’t punish. The system is made to work and it makes decisions that benefit the system, that help it work without disruptions.

_That man, your father holding the gun to your back, must’ve been right. You’re the worst mistake of them all. A bug in the system._

"I didn't," a low voice pulled him from his thoughts, stemming from the cold body in his arms that remained without warmth even though power was accumulating within it. "I didn't let go, but that didn't really matter in the end."

Big eyes opened and at first, he expected chestnut brown, warm and pleasant until his memories supplied a picture of those same eyes widened in terror. But Hyungwon's eyes weren't brown, they were ice blue, but the fear and devastation remained, widening them more each second. Fingers grasped for his face, brushing over the drops of red on his cheeks, over the red liquid that had accumulated around them, stained the sheets. Not a single word left the demon's lips, but his hands tightened around him with such a force that his skin threatened to break.

"Don't go," Hyungwon whispered and the quiet of his voice was painful, like a knife slipping right into the crack between his ribs that felt like it had never left. The words were chanted over and over, like a broken record. "Don't leave me."

_What have you done to him?_

"I'm here," he whispered, trying to break the tension in those arms, but they held on for dear life. Why didn't he say he wouldn't, why couldn't he reassure the demon in his arms, calm his fingers that broke the skin around his shoulders? Maybe because he had wanted to escape eternity for as long as he could think, never quite getting the reason behind it, his motivation to let time flow as fast as possible. Suddenly, it made sense. How he had been running away from time, from people, from feeling anything, but still he couldn't say that he would stay because he had lied before. How could he know for sure that he would stay?

"I'm here, Hyungwon. It's just my tears, I, I'm so sorry."

_You never stopped bleeding._

"T-tears?" Hyungwon's eyes were still wide, but he smiled, pulling his facial features into a grotesque expression. The tight grip loosened and the demon's fingers brushed over the remaining marks as if to rub them away, similar to a smudge of makeup. "Of course. Of course. Please don't cry."

“Isn’t that a bit too much to ask?” He smiled too, chewing on his bottom lip as his heart beat faster and faster and as so often, his human-like body was so much quicker than his thoughts in figuring out that something had changed between them. “I’ve lost you back then, didn’t I? I took away your opportunity to live a little longer.”

"What do you mean?" Hyungwon brushed through his black hair, ruffling it up unintentionally before using his thumb to brush over his cheek to remove another drop of blood that was on its way down his jaw. "I'm here, aren't I? It's okay. It's the past."

_Then why does it feel like you are still bleeding?_

“I’m so sorry for everything. For not keeping my promise and for not keeping you safe and I…” he unwrapped Hyungwon’s arms around his neck and slipped from the bed, kneeling in front of it and pressing his forehead against the demon’s cold, bony knees. “I want to tell you that I will be next to you for eternity as long as blood still flows through my body, but I’m still bleeding and it seemed like I never stopped since that happened. I shouldn’t have done it to you, but I can’t change the past, maybe I can make time flow fast enough for the past to appear like a star in a galaxy far away, slightly familiar, but too distant to hurt. I could try.”

_You are saying all these words, but nothing sounds like the things that you actually want to tell him._

"Mmh." He could feel the demon's eyes on him and fingers that slipped into his hair, applying pressure as they travelled towards his neck and back up, repeating the motion as seconds ticked away, slow and heavy. "It'll become distant again. It was so far away and neither of us cared. It's because we met. It will disappear into the fog again, just the way it came. You said it yourself, you're not that boy anymore, so nobody got abandoned and- nobody died because of the other."

_You both died and you carry the witness with you for eternity._

He stared at the sheets that had a few faint stains next to the blood red of his tears leaving a mark, heavy and hard to remove, picturing those bright blue eyes when they finally opened. His gaze traveled from Hyungwon’s slim thighs to his lean stomach, his chest, neck and face. He observed the way those eyes jumped away from his gaze as he stared longer, how the cold fingertips stuttered against his hair and how the beautiful demon struggled to collect enough force to remain still despite what was going on inside him. “Nobody died because of the other? If the past really doesn’t matter, why do I remember your bright blue eyes filled with the same fear and the same crippling dread and devastation? Why did you let go and let the fog rip you apart? Tell me, Hyungwon. Is it because of what I did?”

Silence spread between them just like the fog had what felt like moments ago. It was thick and pulled out each emotion that accumulated throughout the memories, every thought that passed his mind until the worst ones repeated like an echo.

"It wouldn't be the first time that you saw one thing instead of another. You said it yourself that my eyes changed for you, became a chestnut brown. Now it's the same the other way around. It's the memories, but we're both here, next to each other. There is no pain, nothing. Just- just the way it has to be." Suddenly the sheets and bed around them disintegrated, blurred away and mixed with whatever was next to it even though the man next to him stayed just the way he had been. The room and bed were replaced by another, one with walls so similar to the room with the single mattress.

A second passed, maybe two, then it suddenly changed again, transforming into another room, this time with a bigger bed and vibrantly colored walls. A drop of his blood landed on the fresh, white sheets and once again their surroundings changed, becoming a room without light, dark sheets and black pillows covering a bed that stood in the middle of a small room. The room was filled with decorative items but felt as bland as the ones before it.

“I would recognize your eyes anywhere,” he whispered quietly, leaning back to put some distance between them and look Hyungwon in the eyes, imagining that he could see a reason, anything that explained the change. “What is happening?”

"I just didn't like the room," the demon remarked, voice level and betraying as little as his expression was. Only the jerking motions of his fingers hinted that something was wrong, that there was tension in the other man's body that didn't allow him to relax. It seemed like Hyungwon was preparing himself for something, but he couldn't tell what it was.

“Are you lying to me?” He stared, pain spreading in his chest and making him shift further away until there was a wall and he remained on the floor, leaning his back against it. “You really don’t need to. I- should I leave? Or should I -”

"No!" Hyungwon yelled, so loudly that it echoed through the room and he wasn't able to finish, air remaining in his lungs. The demon's body was perfectly still, as if nothing had happened. The difference was the wave of force that had exploded from his chest and seeped towards him from the other man's fingertips, reaching out and wrapping around his wrists the way only time did. "No," the demon repeated one more time, quieter, but the force was still traveling, crawling up his arms. "There's no need to leave. No need at all. It's- time needs to slow. So much that there is only a feeling left, a single one."

“What are you doing, Hyungwon?” he forced out, needing so much energy that his throat revolted, unable to produce a single sound. This time, it felt different, like an invasive power that threatened to press down on his neck so hard that he couldn’t get any air, burning himself alive. Time slowed down but his physical reactions didn’t, skin warming up and evaporating the moisture in the air around him and those strong slender fingers of power curling around his neck tightened more and more.

"I'm- I'm just holding on. You don't want to leave, do you?" This time the slim body moved, crawling towards him just a bit as Hyungwon's fingers disappeared in the sheets, holding on tightly as he inhaled roughly. "You said you wouldn't. You did. You said until your blood runs dry. We can't let it spill, none of it."

_He’s going to kill you like this._

He understood the words, but it sounded insane to him. He was unable to do anything against the force, feeling how his whole body burned enough to explode. He couldn’t say much, but his tears spilled over his cheeks, running dry and leaving burning trails on his skin that evaporated into the air, falling down in grey ashes. “Have- you made- made up your mind?”

"What?" Hyungwon's voice was shaking, but the power didn't reduce. Instead the demon crawled even closer, cupping his face and rubbing his tears from his jaw towards his eyelids, as if to return them. Pain was written on Hyungwon's face, but those fingers didn't stop, scaring over and over again. "Don't cry, don't- you mustn't get hurt, you mustn't bleed, no."

He couldn’t take it, not the power that threatened to end him for good, pull him into a state that he couldn’t control. “The fact that I exist… that you are next to me… does it hurt?” he asked, unable to control his tears but trying to shift away from the touch, to spare those fingers that reached for him like a lunatic, burning in the flame they brought about.

Suddenly a spark of recognition appeared in those blue eyes, transforming into terror as Hyungwon's lips parted but no words came out. Scarred fingers let go of him, pulling away as if they finally felt the burn, but the expression on the demon's face looked like it was more than the burn itself. It seemed like he was escaping something else apart from the pain, moving back and shaking while energy drained from him.

The grip around his neck didn't loosen, it ripped as if the force was suddenly interrupted, severed like a thick rope. The energy cut through the air instead of him, transforming the room into something else, a hint of fog, a hint of an old house, as if they were seeing several points in time at once without pulling at the strings.

"It's me," Hyungwon whispered when he finally inhaled a gulp of breath. "It's my existence and its consequences that hurt."

Suddenly, the energy was pulled from their surroundings like a drain, rushing back into the slim body and instead of deforming space and time, it was the demon that faded, leaving an empty space where he had been moments ago. Time hadn't slowed and no apologies were whispered, the black-haired man had simply disappeared without a trace, not even ashes landing on the parquet.

He sunk to the floor, watching the carpet catch fire before breathing for the first time in what felt like an eternity, but the air felt so dry and alien that he wanted it to be gone, for everything to be gone.

The only entity that made eternity bearable didn’t want to exist and something told him that the door that they had opened in the fog must’ve let in a monster into their minds. A monster that ate every other feeling alive, quick and merciless, transforming the insides into an abyss, forcing conclusions and painting everything around in a thick fog of hopelessness, searching for reasons and finding answers to everything by pointing the finger at the mirror.

Guilt.

***

A rough exhale left his lips, enriched with power that wasn't his. The scent and taste stayed with him, even after the exhale, after abandoning the air that he had shared with an angel only moments ago.

_What have you done?_

The question had been the same one when his shaking hands held onto the only person that cared about him, watching those black eyes lose focus and the grip around his shoulders fade away. The question hadn't changed after all those years. The words only got louder, emphasizing the mistakes he kept making, the control that escaped him once again.

_What have you done?_

His fingers were covered in fine white lines, but he couldn't even remember how those lines had felt when they appeared. The scars didn't matter because they couldn't cover up what had awoken within him, the memory that didn't leave him for a single second.

_How could you stop time now? It would never leave._

The plain hotel room he had chosen to escape his memories disintegrated and pulled him away from pitch-black eyes and drops of blood running down that beautiful jaw. The bed with dark sheets transformed into cold concrete floors, the walls became even more concrete without a window, a basement with nothing but dust and toys.

_You have been here before, haven't you?_

The thought hurt as much as his chest did, as much as the image of Hoseok when he asked him whether his existence hurt, whether he wanted him _gone_.

A whimper left his lips and he screamed to cover it up, to listen to the echo of his mind leaving him instead of the echo of his mistakes. He shouldn't have chosen to be close, to feel what he had yearned for all these years. He didn't believe in a higher power, but there must have been a reason for his existence, for the way he gave himself to humans while nobody ever stayed. There had to be a reason for searching for something nobody could provide, nobody could satisfy.

_Because you don't deserve it after everything that happened._

A disgusting sound escaped his throat and he curled his arms around his knees, pulling them so close that the pressure against his chest felt like it could contain the pain, control it even if nothing else could.

_If you hadn't desired him, then he would have stayed alive._

If he hadn't chosen to be with somebody he couldn't have, Hoseok might have survived, might have become the human equivalent of an angel, heaven on earth.

_You could have watched him from afar, allowed your eyes to close in winter knowing that he's taken care of._

Knowing that the blood of the boy he loved had never been spilled over his hands.

Bile travelled up his throat and he coughed, wondering how much of him had become human along with the memories. He never ate, never slept, but now he was nauseated and restless, shivering because his own powers weren't enough to keep him warm, to abandon the memory of warmth draining from a hot body.

His eyes widened, focusing on the concrete below his feet, then on the dust covered boxes with toys, the teddy he remembered from before. The same basement had called for him once, pulled him in as a place for his tears, hurt and desperation.

_But why?_

His lips trembled as he looked around, observed the plain walls, the boxes, the door. It was an old door, wooden with a dark mark at the bottom. As if a candle had been standing next to it for too long, discoloring the wood without burning it. A candle used to read in secret, crouching close to the door to hear steps, to know when to hide.

His breath hitched as the basement transformed in his mind, boxes disappeared and made space for bookshelves filled with religious writing, a mattress with a blanket that had a second one sewed to it, a candle close to the pillow.

Suddenly, the image transformed again. Pitch black eyes met his, filled with dread, hands reached out, whispering reassurances, words that were meaningless when the single motion of a finger was enough to make them stop, taking everything that mattered to him within a single second, with a single shot.

_Fuck._

"Why are you here?!" he yelled out loud, waiting to find the answers within him, but the basement didn't blur, didn't change. It stayed the same dusty room with old boxes, somebody's childhood memories just like it harbored his. His memories of a human life and the way it had ended prematurely, ended because he had desired something that wasn't his to have.

"It's me," he whispered, lips barely moving to speak the same words he had shared with Hoseok, only so much more truthful.

"I am the worst mistake of them all."

The walls didn't reply. They simply accepted his words, how could they not if it was the truth? He lay down on the concrete, pressing his cheek to the cold, imagining it taking over and replacing his insides. His power was still roaming free inside of him. It jittered, uncontrolled and not enough to warm him up. It couldn't when the cold stemmed from the same place.

_It must be your soul, not allowing your powers to kill the human within you._

His eyes widened and he got up, breathing heavily and his power responded, still mingled with energy that wasn't his own. It was Hoseok's energy as he fought him, fought his desire to hold on and control, to keep safe by wrapping around the angel's body, his throat.

_You hurt him and left._

His fingers trembled and memories returned, red on his scarred fingertips that couldn't be there, there was no source for it but his mind. Still, his eyes could see it, his nose could smell it and his ears heard quickened breaths get slower until they finally stopped, not responding to him begging for mercy.

_It is your fault, nobody else's._

The basement faded away, blurred over as the power within him spread out and his wings ripped through his skin. A human couldn't do anything, but he had to.

The smell of burning chemicals, threads of carpet and wood, cheap fabric and smoke entered his lungs, forcing a cough as he found himself in a burning room, flames travelled over the bed, the carpet and painted the walls black. He looked around, but the only thing he could see was fire, objects succumbing to its destruction and falling apart and he felt the same way, wanting to fall apart and let the flames burn him and what he had done.

Heat grasped for his hands and wings, surrounding him and leaving none of the comfort that heat had always blessed him with. His salvation hadn't been the physical heat or warmth that travelled over his skin and defeated the numbness. It also wasn't the power that replaced his own and drowned him in endless bliss. It was the person, the young church boy, the blonde man with black eyes, the angel with black wings who was his salvation. The angel who had escaped while achieving something he had never been able to.

Burning everything between them to the core.

***

Doubt had always existed within him, followed every single thought and bloomed in questions, more questions and never-ending assumptions. He got used to it, and to him, doubting sometimes felt like existing, like a human knows that they're alive because they breathe in and breathe out, just like that, he knew he existed because he always asked himself why he did.

Maybe that's why sitting on the rooftop and watching the snow cover up everything, suddenly felt off. Days and weeks passed without anything changing, but suddenly he had no questions, only conclusions left. Only a feeling strong enough to drown everything else. The idea that he shouldn't exist in the first place.

He had died before, left his body and went into the fog where he should've disappeared for good, but there was a mistake. His soul made a mistake and got caught within him, cursed for eternity and it was his duty to end it somehow. He should be gone. He should...

_If you were gone, he wouldn't have seen all your past in the fog. He would've lived day by day, going from one bed to another, always searching, but safe, but dancing, but with a smile on his face and chaos inside his chest. You broke it._

Watching the snowflakes turn into rain, evaporate above him and create a cloud that covered his wings, he suddenly stopped wondering. He just knew that his existence was the worst mistake of them all. A never felt awareness of how his soul should've left and that he should've let it go took over his mind and it felt strange. As if he was made to doubt, but it slowly died within him.

His skin heated up and burned more and he collected enough force to stop himself from breathing for infinity. He could really stop feeling, stop thinking and finally leave the place that only had bloody tears left for him.

The snow around him became blurry and the pain intensified, his arms, his chest and that specific spot between his ribs, hurting like an open wound that could never be healed, pulling and crying all by itself.

_You didn't want to die, Hoseok. You wanted to live on so badly. You wanted to live, that’s why you’re here._

The thought came out of the blue, laced in the scent that still lingered in his nose when he felt like burning alive, the scent of pastries that came out like a protection mechanism, holding hands with the memory of being shot and the fear of losing his life. The fear that there was nothing else to come.

But what about now? His thoughts had been so clear, suggested that he should stop existing, stop feeling, stop everything that he consisted of. How could it be wrong?

'When we are tired, we are attacked by ideas we conquered long ago,' Nietzsche’s voice commented in his head, calmly and repeating the words once again slowly.

_You're tired. You're tired and you feel so incredibly guilty that burning to ashes appears like the most desirable outcome._

Every second that he didn't feel pain, his wings felt like they carried a weight that made it impossible to go anywhere, to move, or to move on.

_How can you move on if you finally found a reason to stay?_

It had been easy when he was alone and could solve every conflict within himself, but now, he just felt like that snowflake that finally melted, finally became water by those big hands that touched his burning skin, but he, that snowflake exploded immediately, turning into steam, confused and not belonging anywhere, not feeling anything but the heat still lingering between his ribs.

Ouch.

Guilt was numbing him, creating a cage around him and not letting him leave, do anything, search for _him_ , talk to _him_ , say what it was that lingered inside his chest, that _his_ existence was the only reason he didn't want to die again. But Hyungwon died once because of him and the feeling of his personal responsibility was hard to rationalize. He couldn’t act as if he didn’t know anything. He had known so well which of them had the higher chance of suffering loss. He still did it, he still took the black-haired boy and wrapped around him and loved him with every single cell of his body, just to die in his arms. Leaving him alone. Scaring him and hating himself for dying a bit later. Seconds that he thought were not deserved. Seconds that multiplied the pain and let metastasized into his mind, poisoning it and replying to any doubt with an easy solution. With 'everything would be better if I didn't exist'.

_You know that thought. You know it, but it's wrong. It's eating you alive because you'll never know the truth._

For the first time in what felt like an infinity, he allowed himself to lessen the burning of his body, to inhale and let the snowflakes create a cold spark on his skin as they melted and connected to tiny streams. He allowed himself to give his feelings a voice, to listen to what they had to say, to the tears and freezing cold that remained since the demon was gone. He missed Hyungwon so much. He missed him, so he rather burned in his own flames instead of a _dmitting_ to himself that he could try, that he could move, could search for him and maybe try living.

Try living for real.

His black wings pushed away the remnants of eternal winter that he was caught in and he lifted from the rooftop, soaring and closing his eyes. Smiling briefly, he inhaled deeply and recognized every scent of the City, searching for that specific one.

Searching for change.

_

The city consisted of every possible scent, suddenly he could smell it all. The humans that covered their bodily odor with vanilla, with blooming grass, with some musky mixture that was currently a bestseller at the perfume store. Every single shop smelled differently, the streets did, the food did. He caught himself stopping in front of the Chinese dumpling place and inhaling the scent for a few seconds longer than necessary, even though that one still wasn’t it. Before he could trace it, no matter where he was, as if his only purpose of existence had been to find the blue-eyed demon.

_What if he’s gone?_

Shaking his head in panic, he walked further down the street, sucking in air like a dog searching for something weirdly specific, or like… like a human. Breathing in and out, in and out until his skin felt almost too cold for the winter weather and for his taste. But no matter how many times he inhaled, there was no hint of the scent that he was searching for. It had been strange enough to rush into three bakeries and two cake shops, looking around, just because the scent was so similar to what he was searching for, but none of it was him. It almost seemed like the demon disappeared. Out of reach.

First, he had been angry, rushing time and trying to quickly visit all the places that Hyungwon could have been, but after a few weeks, there was no point. The faster time passed, the more of it he had to spend alone. Without him. There was no advantage to it anymore. Only disadvantages and pain.

He found their common grave, a small hill with a rotten wooden cross on top and he found the basement that had been his room, but none of it brought him closer to Hyungwon, just a bit further away from guilt. No matter how strong it was, it wasn’t enough to stay away, to accept an infinity without the demon. Nothing was strong enough and maybe he should have given up at some point, but he didn’t know how to. Maybe it had been his fate to spend an eternity searching for someone.

When he lifted his gaze from the pavement, it was already dark, yellowish shadows throwing glances at the garbage cans around him and pulling attention to the pedestrians moving past the street lamp. Closing his eyes, he inhaled once again and there was the warm scent of expensive alcohol, a mixture of wood and a tiny spark of vanilla. The scent wasn’t familiar, but he located it at a bar across the street. Dark space with many shades of brown, dimmed lights and quite a few humans sitting and talking.

_Maybe you can go inside. It’s rather quiet and you could smell more, remember the scents and see what the wooden spirit tastes like._

Despite going through many changes, it was still hard to move around humans, something that Hyungwon had been so natural in. For him, there was constantly a feeling of danger when he came closer, when he caught a gaze on him, just like now, when he crossed the street and entered the warm space. The chatter continued, but he could almost feel the curious glances on him, his face, his body when he took off his coat. Maybe something about his behavior was strange, unusual. The thought was uncomfortable, so he stared at a free stool right next to the bar and walked over quickly, focusing on the dirty piece of wood as if it had the power to save him.

"What can I get you?" a male voice asked him, a little muffled because the bartender was busy mixing a cocktail. "Your sighs suggest it better be something strong."

He changed focus from the stool that he sat on and couldn’t stare at anymore, to the very used looking bar, covered in round stains from glasses and dents in the dark wood. A lot of time passed, but his eyes still contained no pupil and he never liked wearing anything on his face, so avoiding gazes seemed like the safest option.

“I’d like something that…” he started and used his index finger to touch the uneven surface. “Something that smells like wood.”

The sound of a cocktail shaker drowned out any possible reply for a few moments until he heard a gorgeous chuckle, so pleasant that it sent goosebumps over his arms and neck.

"Whiskey it is then," the bartender replied and made his way towards a shelf with bottles, picking out a particular one and pouring the content into a pretty tumbler. When the glass was placed in front of him, he heard a gasp, sharp but just as familiar as the chuckle had been.

Swallowing down the inhale, he let his gaze travel over his forearm, over the goosebumps that spread on his skin right below the rolled-up sleeve. It followed the outline of the glass, the contents that looked so warm that he inhaled again, almost feeling the taste on his tongue, before slowly wrapping his fingers around the tumbler and feeling its weight in his palm. “This is Whiskey?” he asked, even though the person who gave it to him mentioned it, but he wanted to remember the exact name in case he wanted to get it again and it was only available outside of his home.

"Mmh, a Grace O'Malley," the man hummed in reply and he saw long fingers grab a towel with which they cleaned the bar surface close to him. "What brings you here? Yearning for the scent of wood."

It must have been a question he asked many people because of how smoothly it seemed to roll off the bartender's tongue. It resembled a wave that easily found its way past barriers, water slipping through the cracks to reach the truth.

He must’ve forgotten that now, that he couldn’t recognize Hyungwon’s scent, he couldn’t recognize anything else, his voice, his way of talking, his body. Everything seemed to be present in some other humans. Every single human made him feel the intensity of his loss.

_What brings you here?_

He didn’t want to talk to anybody, but maybe, the bartender would give him another Grace O’Malley if he answered that one question in a friendly way. Licking over his mouth and staring into his glass, ready to talk as soon as he took a sip, he let the brown liquid touch his tongue with its burning flames and spread a warmth in his mouth and his insides for a second.

“The scent appeared instead of something that I’ve lost and it doesn’t replace it, but I wanted to find out if it tastes similar to how I imagined it. It tastes different.”

"Does it?" the low voice asked him and he recognized a smile in the tone and those long fingers stopped rubbing the wooden counter. The motions had constantly drawn his gaze towards them, but now that they stopped he saw a few white lines along the man's fingers. Scars it seemed. Scars.

"I think I know what you mean. Whiskey provides a heat and comfort that not many other things do. It's one of the reasons I work here, even if the taste burns more than the scent does. Are you disappointed?"

He shook his head, assuming the person was observing him, which was reason enough to keep his gaze on those hands and not look up. He couldn’t pull too much attention towards himself and doing one of those crazy moves like back in that club wasn’t adequate for the situation. He had nothing he needed to protect and nothing he was about to lose.

“No,” he murmured and took another sip. The liquid disappeared disappointingly fast. “You should be careful.”

"To not become addicted?" Again, there was a chuckle. "There are more potent things than Whiskey in this world. You said you lost something, I'm assuming it's more potent than what remains of your drink. Would you like another?"

_What is this about?_

He wasn’t quite sure and reading books didn’t prepare him enough for an encounter like this, so he hummed and lifted his index finger away from the glass, pointing at the bartenders left hand. “You should be careful about your hands. But I’ll take another and what I’ve lost can’t be compared to or replaced by anything else.”

"Mmh," the bartender hummed again and threw the towel close to the sink, quickly busying himself with refilling his tumbler. "It can't."

Once he had another filled tumbler standing in front of him, the other man rested his elbows on the counter close to him. He could feel the gaze on him, heard inhales that needed a while to be followed by exhales.

"Why are you here instead of searching for it?"

His mouth burned and so did his chest. The human at the bar was right, but he also didn’t know anything about him or what his existence was about. What he knew for sure was that that human was way too close to him.

“It doesn’t matter how hard I try because I lost everything necessary to find it. Maybe I need to be found but there is no-one searching. That’s your sad story for today, but don’t worry. It might be my ultimate fate to search for infinity and never find what I’m searching for, so I might as well have a drink in between.” He chuckled and stretched out his arm, leaning his cheek against it right next to the glass and watching how the light played in the shades of brown. Like a wooden sunrise.

Those long fingers appeared in his sight again, sliding over the counter and reaching his wrist. No more than a brush of fingertips was what he perceived as the man's hand travelled towards his own and paused on top of his fingers around the tumbler.

"How can you find it if you never look up, Hoseok?"

***

Time passed, the snow stayed and it seemed like ashes had covered everything that had controlled his thoughts and motions for the past months. He couldn't help imagining how the fire must have burned everything superficial about him along with the angel, taking his means to forget and the man he never could along with them.

Loud music was slowly replaced by instrumentals in the back, traditional Irish tunes instead of pumping beats. His fingers had changed too, rubbing over glasses and surfaces, shaking cocktails and brushing through his hair when his bangs fell into his eyes. Several months ago, he couldn't have imagined such a change for himself. How could he simply leave the only thing that made him feel human behind? There hadn't been anything else to life, nothing apart from feeling desired, feeling hands on him followed by misery only to repeat the cycle again.

_He made you desire something else for the first time._

A smile blossomed on his lips and he remembered the first time he had gone to this particular Irish pub, waiting for the human who had enabled him to meet Hoseok in the first place. There was something ironic to ending up exactly there, the only place that was able to provide enough sensations to compete with sex.

_Somehow you like it more, don't you?_

Claiming that he moved on would be a blatant lie, but similarly to how humans did it, he managed to distract himself. He talked to people, learned their stories, how they overcome their struggles or drown them in liquor. He visited the basement too during a few moments of weakness, taking a teddy bear along even though it harbored no memories. Maybe he wanted to have something that hurt, but not enough to destroy him.

Hoseok had disappeared with the flames. Where he had been able to identify the angel's scent or sense his power, there was nothing now. The strings of time remained untouched and no matter how easily they wrapped around his wrists, there was no reason to tug at them.

_Why would you extend time further? This isn't the feeling you want to be caught in._

Another customer entered the pub and stomped his boots on the mat to get rid of the snow. Hoseok had left but hadn't taken eternal winter with him. It remained as the only reality he knew, reminding him of warm hands grabbing his face, hot scones in his mouth and even hotter lips against his own. Those thoughts were the pleasant ones, those that brought warmth and comfort with a hint of bitterness. There were others too, those that came out when he visited their grave and felt sticky blood on his hands all over again, the taste of it on his lips when his tongue slid over them.

_Does he feel the same way?_

He couldn't be sure. Months had passed and even though the strings of time remained the way they were it felt like they had passed in a rush, only leaving the changes that occurred in his life without the emotions to accompany them.

_Maybe you used them all up on him. Maybe he made you the most human._

His wings still burned to be let out and energy bubbled in his chest, but he kept it locked away just like he always had. There was no need for it now, not when he talked and shared stories and not when he rested his head against the bar counter at night and remembered sleeping at a bakery.

Only the ring of a bell and another pair of boots stomping away snow were able to distract him, to pull his thoughts away from what he had lost and what he had done. Time always moved forward, it couldn't be reversed, so it was the brief moments of interaction he waited for, voices talking of grief and desperation and leaving the possibility that maybe, someday, things were going to be different.

There it was again, the sound of a bell and a new person that sat down at the bar, waiting to share. He smiled, anticipating what was to come and preparing himself to learn while sharing himself. It was his new source of knowledge, the type of knowledge that only a single human could share because emotions could only be shared by the person feeling them, nobody else.

The scent of wood was what his new customer desired and he quickly filled a tumbler, listening to the pleasant voice, the subconscious sighs and the way all of it tugged at something within him. Feeling was so easy, as easy as breathing or brushing his fingers over old wood, inhaling the scent of good Whiskey. How easy it really was he understood once he turned around and met bright blonde hair, a muscular physique and observed how a beautiful face attempted to drown in the tumbler in front of it.

His heartbeat sped up immediately and he gasped, containing the air in his lungs for longer the usual because he needed it, needed every drop of oxygen to contain his desire to reach out, to touch and forget himself, to feel the same intensity that he hadn't been able to forget since he felt it a long time ago.

His words were playful, asking for knowledge without tugging at it with force, without tickling it out of the man in front of him, but rather waiting to receive it as a gift.

Hoseok had changed so much. There was still the muscular body, elegant clothes, the light hair, but he couldn’t get a glimpse of those black eyes. The beautiful angel would have never talked to a human, drowning his gaze in a tumbler of whisky instead of staring straight ahead and making them forget right after. Instead of being insanely inaccessible, the low voice talked, answered his questions, and even though the replies seemed a little strange, there was so much authenticity in them that he smiled.

_You missed him so much._

His fingers yearned to touch and he distracted them by scrubbing the bar surface close to the angel's hands and by refilling that tumbler with more brown liquid, hoping to have those eyes meet his at least once. They didn't, they remained buried in the tumbler while speaking of loss, of the inability to find what they were searching for, yearning for. Hoseok spoke of having lost something incomparable, but those eyes didn't even look around.

_Even if it is you he's yearning for, he doesn't dare to look up._

His hands almost dropped the bottle he was holding and he quickly returned it to the shelf before leaning his elbows on top of the counter, so close to those delicate hands, close to naked arms that were covered in goosebumps.

_What caused them?_

He couldn't resist, fingers travelling over the old wood towards soft skin, brushing along it and only stopping when his fingertips reached the back of Hoseok's palm.

"How can you find it if you never look up, Hoseok?" he whispered.

The small hand jerked as soon as he finished his sentence and those beautiful, delicate fingers curled into a fist. Suddenly, out of nowhere and without a warning, the black eyes caught his mercilessly, pitch covered eyeball almost swallowing him, before the expression fell and fell and fell until there were just two round black eyes looking at him in a mixture of fear and resignation.

"Hyungwon," the curved mouth breathed out, gaze not leaving him for a single second. "It's you."

His skin felt like it was crawling with emotion, with anticipation of what might be about to happen. He couldn't predict it, couldn't tell what was going on inside the angel's mind, but his fingers grabbed the half-full tumbler and emptied it with a few gulps before returning it to the counter. He had underestimated how much he missed the man in front of him, the way it felt to be looked at, to have black eyes observe nothing but him. Not a tumbler, not the wooden surface but him.

_You thought you could bear it, but this doesn't compare to anything else._

"Don't you dare look away now," he murmured and let his fingers slip in between the angel's that had no tumbler left to hold on to.

Instead of getting a reply, he heard a deep inhale, long and hissed through Hoseok's pretty nose. "It's really gone," the low voice commented after keeping the air for a while and exhaling it in a heavy sigh. "There's nothing left."

_The fire._

He swallowed and realized how naive he had been about remaining comfortable, about focusing on humans and their stories to overcome the gaping nothing that only filled itself with pleasant memories before drowning in flashbacks of death and despair right after.

_It's gone, he must have really burned everything that was between you._

Only now he realized that his hopes had secretly grown with each word that left the angel's lips. He had assumed that he was the one thing that Hoseok had lost, that he wasn't comparable to anything else.

_Because this is how you feel about him._

"R-right," he stuttered, hating how obvious his shock was, his hopes and desires that were crumbled with a few words. Emotions were fascinating, always so intense no matter if they were pleasant or painful. "Right."

He got up and let go of those delicate fingers, wondering if they could have burned him too along with everything that was between them. Maybe he wouldn't have to desperately stare at bottles to swallow down the urge to cry.

"Hyungwon, no," Hoseok said, but his voice was loud enough for people to pay attention and right in that moment, he heard a sound and turned around facing the blonde Angel who simply jumped over the bar and landed on his feet right in front of him. "Don't let go. Please don't leave, I won't be able to find you again. It's gone. There's nothing left and I won't find you."

_What is he talking about?_

"Why would you want to find me if there's nothing left?" he murmured, speaking quietly because of all the attention on them. A few months ago, he would have simply pulled the strings, caught them in time to ensure their privacy. Now he hesitated, scared that he was going to hold onto a man that had no desire to be next to him.

"Because I don't care about it. It doesn't really matter to me, but I can't find you if it's gone. It's-" Hoseok caught his gaze and leaned in slowly, hands behind his back and only exhaling softly against the crook of his neck. It was so close that he almost felt those warm lips on his skin. Hoseok inhaled again, and again and again, before another sigh followed. "It's gone. It is, but I like your new scent. I think I even like it better."

_Your scent._

His eyes widened and he inhaled, breathing in the air that should have been filled with a familiar sweetness, a scent that conjured the image of potatoes, candles and freshly washed clothes, but didn't. He inhaled again, but the scent that he remembered wasn't there. Instead, there seemed to be a mixture of balm and lemon.

_He's right. It's gone._

"But why?" he muttered and couldn't resist, stroking over the other man's chest with his fingers, palm remaining right in the center as he inhaled once more. It felt warm, but without burning him, without burning everything that was between them. "I looked for you, but- but you were just gone."

Hoseok shook his head carefully, resting his forehead against his shoulder. "I thought I was cursed to live searching for you. At some point I realized that the scent disappeared, that I couldn't trace you anymore and instead started smelling so many things at once that it overwhelmed me. I ran around every day and every night, trying to inhale as much air as possible, hoping that I could recognize the scent. It disappeared, but you're here, so please don't leave. I don't know how to find you. I can't let go now."

He swallowed, unsure what that meant, what any of it meant. Some of the patrons observed them while others returned their attention to their drinks and their company, forgetting about them as quickly as they forgot about their worries with the help of liquor.

_It feels so human._

"Then don't," he replied and curled his fingers, grabbing a fistful of Hoseok's shirt. It felt different without the constant scent accompanying being close to the angel, but it was a nice kind of different. The kind that distracts, opens up new possibilities, provides hope.

_You have so much of it, hoping that somehow you can keep him near even though you're the reason you lost him in the first place._

Hoseok leaned back until their eyes met again, darkness opening up right in front of him. "You left last time, so, what is different now? Will you disappear again and wait for years to accidentally meet again? By chance?"

_What's different?_

He smiled and loosened his grip, but not enough to risk the man in front of him disappearing. After searching for months and giving up, he didn't feel like he could bear the same feelings of loss all over again.

_You were the one who left in the first place, but maybe that's the difference._

"I know what it's like to leave and lose you."

_It feels like it's the same, doesn't it? Staying and losing, leaving and losing. What's the difference?_

"It's been so long but at the same time, nothing compared to what was or will be, and still, because I was searching for you, it felt like eternity by itself." Hoseok glanced to the side, checking whether the curious gazes disappeared and reached for his wrist, brushing his fingers over it slowly. His fingertips felt warm. "What did time do to you? I've tried searching for you in the clubs but couldn't find you. Don't you dance anymore?"

_Don't you dance anymore?_

Hoseok was good at asking the questions that seemed to get at something deep within. The kind of questions that he asked the patrons of this bar to have their heart bared on the counter.

"I do," he replied and observed how easily his skin responded to Hoseok's touch, as if it had been waiting for it. "But not for others."

A hint of hesitation passed the delicate features and Hoseok smiled, warm like whiskey. "I was scared that you might have lost more than just my presence next to you. Does time feel less heavy to you now? Were you able to…" Hoseok stopped and it almost felt like time around them did too, but sounds still surrounded them and the seconds ticked by, free and determined, "... forget?"

Such a pretty but terrifying word, _forget_. He observed the angel, his features and the smile that remained on his lips. It seemed like Hoseok had already given up, assuming that forgetting was what he had achieved in all this time, after searching, despairing and searching again.

_Only to give up and end up here. Does that mean you have forgotten?_

The images remaining on his mind painted a different picture, one of blood and fear while still keeping a spark of yearning, a spark that screamed at him that he kept losing either way.

_What's the point if you already let go of him but the fear remains?_

"Yes," he replied finally and grabbed a glass from the shelf to pour a drink for both of them. There was a rule not to drink at work, but he was the one making them in the first place. "But only how it feels not to count the seconds."

"You count them now? Didn't you try to stretch them until time bent in all directions? I stopped pushing time forward because the feeling stayed the same, but there were more and more seconds, minutes and days that I didn't have you, and it made me feel like every snowflake was a dagger and the faster it fell, the more it hurt." The angel closed his eyes while speaking and it seemed like he felt the pain he was talking about all over again.

_It's so familiar. If it's familiar, then why are the two of you like this?_

The answer was apparent as soon as he thought it, manifesting in a pair of hollow eyes and hands that held onto him, only to loosen against their will. The memory was terrifying enough for him to reach out again and grasp Hoseok's hand. It felt safer that way, even if the memories didn't leave.

_Being next to him… feels better, even if you're scared._

"What is the point of stretching a second that hurts, right? The longer it is, the more apparent the feeling becomes. It's the same for both of us then." His fingers left marks and he let go again, stroking over the crescents that his nails produced on Hoseok's skin.

"If you thought of me during those months, what was it that came to mind?" Hoseok asked absentmindedly, observing his fingers that carefully curled around his wrist.

"It's-" he began but stopped himself just before his first associations reached his tongue. He thought of the image that kept coming back, the reason he left the first time only to be met with flames upon his return. But the face of his fears hadn't been what came to mind whenever he thought of the man in front of him.

_It's what you missed, not what you feared._

"Your hands," he whispered eventually, glancing at the delicate fingers and how beautiful they looked so close to his own, reminding him of their touch. He remembered their warmth, their heat as they first hesitantly, then surely travelled over his back and waist.

_It's not an image from the past, but something you shared after, before you knew._

"Your hands and the pitch black of your gaze when there are only several centimeters between us."

_The moments you wish you could extend for eternity._

"My hands and my eyes?" As if testing if his words were true, Hoseok leaned forward, leaving only a few centimeters between their faces and caressing his cheek with his soft fingertips. "I thought about your eyes too, how bright they are when you let the power flow within you. I thought about your smile too and how rare it was that you gifted it to me. I miss it so much that it hurts. I wanted to end everything, but I couldn't, because I couldn't handle the thought of never being able to see you again. Now I'm here and you're in front of me and somehow it feels unreal."

His body responded faster than his mind, grabbing Hoseok's shoulders and turning them with force. The angel's back was pushed against the shelf of liquor and he felt the bottles tremble, saw how some of them lost balance, but it didn't matter. Not when the hands of the clock trembled before finally stopping and the murmurs around them died out.

_You haven't stopped time for ages. Why now?_

Maybe he had stayed true to his words, realizing once again that the times their eyes met were the ones he didn't want to end. It didn't matter that both of them continued on, were able to stay or leave no matter what time decided.

_It's not the gaze this time. It's his words._

His heartbeat betrayed him, revealed the adrenaline that was rushing through his veins and controlled his every thought. He felt fear and images played out inside his mind, images of fire, of wings pressed close to a muscular body as it fell down several stories without spreading them.

_He thought of ending everything._

"Why did I leave if those were the thoughts on your mind? What's the point of staying away to keep you safe if the opposite was the result?" He pressed his body flush against Hoseok's, yearning for the heat he knew was there, the heat that instantly developed as soon as time slowed down. "Fuck."

"Nietzsche said that the one who has a 'why' to live, can bear any 'how'. I thought you were my 'why', but reflecting on it now, I think that I simply didn't know how to live. I wasn't living. You taught me. You still do, and I wanted to find you and start living for real. I don't know if you still want me. The me who isn't quite the boy you loved, a different person, darker, more determined and more powerful, easily hurt but so incredibly stubborn. I found out so many things about myself, just by trying to find you." The shy smile didn't fit to the pitch-black gaze that pulled him in with the same intensity as always, irises changing size depending on how close his face was.

"Me?" he asked, sounding as surprised as he felt. There shouldn't have been a reason to take him as an example after the repetitive way in which he had destroyed himself emotionally. Maybe not physically the way his past had all on its own, but by never allowing himself what he yearned for the most. "How can you say that I taught you to live after I- almost killed you, Hoseok."

_You did. You did and then you left and he did the only reasonable thing he could have, burn everything to the ground._

"You tried to hold onto me, to save me, but you didn't see that I couldn't breathe. That's what fear does. We are so scared, doing everything possible to prevent that feeling, and not realizing that it's just… a thought." Hoseok's warm fingertips traced his jaw and his lips, carefully removing a tiny drop of sweat that developed on his temple, as if it was precious too. "I thought I was guilty and maybe I am, but I will never know. I will never know what would have happened if I acted differently and I can't change it now. I can only act differently in the future, but at this point I'm not even sure that the concept of future fits us. We exist and we continue existing and we live right now in that second that you are bending because you don't want it to end, but it will end, Hyungwon. It will, and it will be okay, because I will still stand here next to you and look at your beautiful face with the same expression on mine because there's nothing that I'm scared of anymore."

_He changed, he must have changed so much in that time, but have you?_

The question was difficult to answer, after all he had been present throughout the three months. He had felt each day and searched, he had regretted one decision and hoped for another one day, only to feel the exact opposite the next. His emotions were a constant back and forth in which he hadn't been able to understand what the best outcome might have been, how he could have kept the blonde man next to him without being afraid. Without expecting to make another mistake that was going to result with those same eyes losing focus in front of him.

_But you're not the boy you were before and neither is he. You're a demon, he's an angel and the sheer power you possess is enough to stop the world for days._

He had felt it, every single day even though he hadn't used it. The power was present, accompanied him constantly while pushing against his ribcage where he attempted to contain it.

"I'm scared of never feeling the way you were able to make me feel," he whispered. "Because the power I have can hurt you."

"I know. I still die a little bit on the inside when I look at the scars on your hands because I know that it was me. That you paid with your skin for wanting to touch me. But I still… I still want you to touch me and I want you to make me feel the tsunami-like force of your power, to let it bury me, even though I know how strong you are. It's not about carrying the weapon, it's about using it to hurt. Do you… want to hurt me, Hyungwon? Have you ever thought of hurting me?" The angel reached up and put a bottle that hung over his head back on the shelf. "You can't change what was, but you can let what was change you. The decision is yours. I can come here every evening and get the same drink until you make up your mind."

"But… what will be the result, Hoseok? Is there even a future?" he murmured and glanced up at the bottles, some of them at the edge while only the one Hoseok touched was stable on its spot. It seemed like the angel was the most stable among the two of them.

_Since when do you need to know what's in the future? Haven't you been living in the moment?_

"Do you need the future?" Hoseok asked, cupping his face with both palms. "Do you need me to promise you that you won't hurt me? I can't. Nobody can. But I can't promise not to hurt you either. Didn't you tell me that was what feeling was about? That experiencing the full spectrum, the devastation, the sadness, the joy and lust, is what living felt like?"

He inhaled sharply through his mouth, tasting the air and its lack of motion on his tongue. The bar was still, humans frozen in time and bottles hanging above their heads without hold in the same way that the future seemed to be threatening to swallow him whole.

"I don't need the future," he whispered and relaxed his fingers, letting the strings of time escape and the hands on the clock resume their endless path. Sounds echoed through the bar, chatter, clinking glasses and the unmistakable crunching of bottles shattering on the floor. Shards and liquid pooled at their feet, but he didn't glance down. It didn't matter, just like the eyes he felt on them. What mattered were those black orbs focused on his and the heat of fingers against his cheeks.

"I only need you, Hoseok."


	13. Spring

He caught himself thinking that his surroundings appeared unreal, made up, shaky and strange. But it wasn’t because time was gripped tightly by those long fingers, or because there were glass shards around them, thick fog or burning flames. It was unreal because there were humans talking, drinking and not paying much attention to them. Because he observed how the demon, the most beautiful creation of the universe, cleaned up broken glass and soaked up burning alcohol from the floor as those icy eyes peeked from over the frame of his sunglasses. They were a new model that the other man must’ve bought in that same shop that now existed instead of the bakery and he wondered how much had changed during the time that they weren’t together, how the demon had been and how life on earth had been treating him. Meanwhile he had to act like a customer and sit behind the bar observing, smiling, swinging the dark brown whisky in his glass. Almost as if he was human.

The slight burning and subsequent warmth felt good in his mouth, on the way to his lungs and he breathed more or less depending on the feeling it evoked. He wanted to feel everything at once when he was lucky enough to observe Hyungwon as much as he liked. His gorgeous motions, the hand that performed simple tasks, like reaching for a bottle, or unscrewing the cap from it. Gently touching the metal and turning it and turning it further like earth turned around the sun giving him so many seconds, so much time to experience the moment in all facets, fill everything with them, feel it all. Every movement, every stray glance made him feel like he had crows inside his stomach that got nervous as soon as those bright eyes met his. He was a mess, but it felt so incredibly good.

He loved every single second, but that didn’t mean that he wasn’t greedy to touch the golden skin, to finally kiss those lips that he had dreamed of after trying to fall asleep for some time. It was always the same dream, one where the beautiful demon leaned over him as he lay in the white sheets, kissed him so softly that he was melting under that mouth, before those lips cruelly whispered, ‘I’m sorry’ and he woke up. His current reality wasn’t a dream. He knew the difference by now, but still he wanted to touch and kiss and feel the power buzzing under his fingertips.

Licking over his mouth slowly, savoring the taste of whisky, he briefly reached for the strings and let them accelerate, but only skipping a few seconds as Hyungwon prepared the last drink for a customer who was the only one left.

The lights were dimmed and he felt the demon's gaze on him, bright and burning, as the drink was placed in front of the drunk man. Hyungwon must have recognized his involvement and the brief stutter of time towards the moment he was finally going to leave work.

As soon as the customer was done with the drink, Hyungwon began to clean up, sorting in tumblers, wiping over tables and the bar. There was something calming to watching him work, but the feeling didn't compare to his memories of the cheerful boy cleaning up a bakery. There was a difference, because he had loved the boy when he himself was one, and now, he changed and his love changed along with him. Now, he loved a demon, a gorgeous creature with bright blue eyes that bent over to remove garbage bags as he tugged at the strings, watching the motion stretch, every muscle in those lean legs flex and giving him a sight to behold. “Perfect,” he whispered before emptying his glass and allowing the seconds to tick faster again. He was playing, and he had missed so much that it felt like a heavy weight was finally lifted from his shoulders.

Hyungwon glanced over his shoulder, an eyebrow raised, but those lips betrayed a smile. The human remaining didn't realize, too far from his own consciousness to be aware of anything apart from his empty glass.

"Already?" the demon mouthed and undid a few buttons of his shirt, just enough to show off his collarbones and reveal that he must have been feeling warm. A pink hue spread at the dip where his collarbones met. "You are so easy to satisfy."

“Because I’m satisfied by everything that is you,” he mouthed back and swung the glass in his hand, observing Hyungwon through the prism. “And at the same time, I can’t act as if I’m suddenly patient. To me it’s about keeping a balance between savoring every second with you and fast-forwarding time to the second I can finally feel you.” He smiled too because he felt like it, looking at the person he adored and warmed up by the drinks. He lifted his fingers to the buttons of his shirt and just let them slide over them without revealing any skin. “What about you? You don’t want to jump over the bar?”

"I'm practicing an art," the demon replied and let his gaze be captured by his fingers for a few more moments before returning it to his customer who threw a bill on the counter and stumbled towards the exit. When the door closed with a rather final thud, Hyungwon met his gaze above his glasses. "It's called delayed gratification."

_He’s the only one who can make you feel like this._

“Delayed gratification? So not having it until you finally have it? But what about having it all the time?” He wiggled his eyebrow before grabbing the round stool behind him with both hands and leaning back enough to let his body be perfectly outlined through the black silk. “I can’t say that I didn’t enjoy observing you. It was breathtaking. Maybe that’s why humans love movies, because it can show beauty in motion.”

"You seem to have learned a thing or two about motion." Hyungwon walked past him towards the next table he planned on cleaning but didn't hesitate to let his fingers dance over the silk of his shirt briefly, walking with his index and middle finger towards his left nipple before disappearing. "You're as gorgeous as ever."

“You know…” he started, wetting his mouth as it appeared too dry, “... before, I would have suggested that whatever meetings you had or didn’t have before we met again were just a lousy replacement for what I could give you, but I stopped thinking that way. Running through the streets and apartments and clubs, trying to find you, I only hoped that you felt warm, it didn't matter if you were alone or in someone’s arms. As long as you felt happy, it was enough. I mean- I still wanted to find you, because no matter how many times I said that you needed me, I feel like I am the one who needs you more. I really need you, Hyungwon.”

He saw the brief interruption in the fluid motions with which Hyungwon cleaned the table. The demon heard and must have reacted to his words, keeping his eyes on the rag and his fingers.

"I wasn't," the low voice muttered eventually and the demon sighed as he turned around and threw the rag into the sink behind the counter. "I tried to be warm and satisfied, telling myself that there would be fewer memories of our death, but that was just bullshit. In the end they were just company for memories of being close to you, so I wondered why the fuck am I doing this to myself. I'm neither human nor am I dead, so why the fuck."

The lean body was quick to jump up on the counter, joining him by having just enough contact to desire more.

“I don’t know. Maybe you didn’t want to allow yourself to live for real. Like I did. Maybe it’s the same thing in a different shape.” Leaning forward, he dropped the whole being desirable game and let his fingers travel over Hyungwon’s sleeve, his warm neck and sink into the long black hair. “I just know for sure that you have the right to dance and to live and to feel everything and I want to be here when you do. I want to grab your hand and take you out of here into the snow and walk to the place I've been staying since I was trying to find you.”

A gasp left Hyungwon's lips and long fingers covered his own, slipping in between the spaces as the demon leaned in and attached his lips to his neck.

"Then… why aren't you?"

***

Snow crunched under his feet, leaving traces that had a different shape compared to what he remembered. His boots were new and left intricate patterns from his soles, reminding him once again that he was a different person in a different situation even if the fingers loosely holding onto his, were just as warm.

"Is it that close?" he whispered, feeling like talking any louder was going to break the reality they were in, time that kept passing without a break and the murmur of humans that was drowned out by thick snowflakes covering their hair and coats.

“Mhm, it’s not far and I can’t believe you’ve been so close all this time. I must’ve been blind. Blind enough to let you pour me a drink, staring at it and thinking that humans must have similar hands to you. That every human must look like you.” Hoseok shook his head, looking up to the sky as snowflakes covered his nose and melted immediately. The warm feeling within him made the sight appear familiar, but it was the sensation not the sight. “I’ve had the place on the 66th floor for quite some time, but it never felt like a place that belonged to me and where I belonged. Just some place. This one is different, it has a different feeling to it, like I’m closer… to life? Maybe because I was closer to you without knowing.”

_Closer to life?_

He smiled, looking around at the buzzing liveliness around them, teenagers staying out late and playing in the snow a little further off in the park and a young man, kicking the snow banks as he stared at something on his phone, looking nervous.

_Would you have been like that too if you lived today?_

"I've never had a place where I belonged," he replied finally, returning his gaze to Hoseok who's hair was so bright, it resembled the snowflakes covering it. "What does it feel like?"

“I'm not sure. I guess I’m about to find out,” Hoseok breathed out and stopped in front of a tall wooden door. It belonged to a house right next to the park with a small bench in front of it and at first glance, it looked like a modern version of a cottage. Keys rattled in the delicate hand and he observed those pale fingers carefully pushing the round key into the lock before the door gave in and opened before them.

_A door to a place you feel happy._

His fingers trembled and he realized he hadn't inhaled for what felt like several seconds. The image was so familiar, but instead of evoking fear as he had expected, there was only warmth. Warmth and excitement because those were the moments he had treasured so much before, yearned to experience again and even though he had said that he had no place he belonged, back then, he might have.

_What if it can become that place again?_

A few seconds ticked by and he dared the first step, following Hoseok inside the narrow hallway, but instead of furniture, chairs, coat hangers, there was nothing. Only light grey walls and wooden floors.

"It isn't very… what do you call it… cozy? But with you in here, it feels like I have everything I need." The angel continued behaving in accordance with his memories and helped him out of his coat before simply hanging it over the door handle and finally pulling him along to the most spacious room. It was bright, even more so with the snow falling behind the floor-to-ceiling windows and all alone, as the only piece of furniture that existed in that gigantic space, he saw a big white bed with fluffy blankets that looked like clouds. It seemed unreal, like a dream he was caught in. A dream where the being he wanted most took him to a beautiful empty house with a single bed standing in the middle of it.

"You said I only need a bed," Hoseok whispered behind him.

_You did._

"You-" he muttered, still staring at the bed and the gaping emptiness around. He couldn't believe that Hoseok had turned his life around so much, moved into a house next to the crowded park, into the ground floor and instead of having all furniture apart from a bed, there was only that, a bed.

_Because this is what you wanted._

"You're crazy. I can't believe it."

"Am I?" The beautiful man stepped in front of him, fingers loosening a button, then another, before the black silk shirt fell to the floor and revealed a broad, muscular body, attractive and burning with power.

"Fuck," he breathed out until he remembered it wasn't qualified as a reply to a question. "Yes, if the question was whether you're gorgeous, then absolutely."

He barely felt his fingertips, too overwhelmed by the combination of Hoseok in all his glory and an empty room with nothing but a bed. It seemed magical, like a place just for them, a place that was far from everything else, taken out of context and perfect for them to be on their own.

"Seeing you like this, trying to come up with what I've said and fumbling with your sunglasses when you're buzzing from the inside, boiling so much that I can trace it standing a meter away, I can really feel how much I missed you and… and how much I love you," the low voice breathed out, accompanied by Hoseok's soft fingers that reached for his face and drew the shape of his lips, black eyes tracing every motion like they couldn’t miss a single detail.

He leaned into the touch, unable to help it and lips parting all on their own as he wrapped his arms around Hoseok's waist and connected their hips. Only when his eyes focused on the plump mouth he realized what it had spoken only a second ago.

_You should have stopped it, captured the second for eternity._

A chuckle left him because the thought was so naive. If he stopped time, how could he hear it again?

"Say it again," he murmured and kissed those delicate fingers, unable to tear his eyes away from the pitch black that were Hoseok's.

"What do you mean?" Hoseok grinned and pulled him towards the bed until they fell, buried in the soft, airy blankets with their hair messed up. "I thought about your wish to stop time forever but deciding for a single moment would mean not experiencing the seconds that are about to come. I can't allow that. I need every single second with you."

_He thought the same, the same conclusion that you drew for yourself._

"Then maybe you should say it again, so I can look forward to the next second you'll say it to me," he murmured and climbed on top of Hoseok's thighs, smiling at how different it felt to observe the beautiful face among snow white pillows. It looked bright and happy and only increased his desire to kiss those curved lips. That feeling he treasured had returned, filling out his chest and making every moment appear worthwhile. "Feel time with me and say it, Hoseok."

"I'm doing that thing that you like so much. What was it again - delayed gratification?" The blonde angel chuckled and looked so incredibly joyful, a bit like that boy who watched him eat scones as if it was the best thing that ever happened to him, but not quite. This time, it was Hoseok. Hoseok, an angel with black wings and black eyes, the angel who reached out and unbuttoned the shirt that he had been wearing for the bar shift and let it pool at his wrists before sitting up and connecting their lips in a kiss so hot, he felt his skin burning. "I love you. I love you, Hyungwon. My beautiful demon."

The words appeared to penetrate all the way to his core, heating up his whole body and letting his power travel to his fingertips. He hadn't allowed it to before, but it seemed like the angel's words were enough permission. His fingertips buzzed, but it couldn't compare to the sensations against his lips, to the exchange that their kiss evoked. His power threatened to spill over, but Hoseok accepted it easily, pulling it from his tongue only to replace it with his own, blurring the borders between them.

_You need more._

"I fucking missed it," he gasped as his arms wrapped around Hoseok's neck and he tightened his thighs on each side of the angel's hips. The heat was teasing him, giving him just enough while his mind remembered how much more it could give him. "Burn me."

The angel must’ve felt similar, gasps leaving the curved mouth with each kiss, with every second that their touches gained intensity and the skin under his fingertips responded with heating up more and more until he needed to release more of the power to keep his own temperature in check.

“I couldn’t think about anything else for the million seconds I had to wait for you to finish working. I need you.” Hoseok used one hand to messily grab the seam of his jeans, trying to pull them down his legs while he was still on top of the other man's hips.

He chuckled, attempting the same, fumbling with the button of Hoseok's jeans, but succeeding quicker through enough practice.

"Why don't you stop talking and touch me instead?" he murmured, growing impatient with every moment that his lips had no skin to kiss or touch. He enjoyed Hoseok's low voice and the way it vibrated against his lips, the seconds that passed one by one but didn't reduce the way he felt, the intensity of the emotion. "I never let the power leave me, but please pull it out, fuck."

“I love that part of you. That moment when the force seeps through the cage that you built around it right into my mouth.” Hoseok inhaled and brushed his burning hands over his thighs, his waist, pulling him further on top of himself and lips closing around his skin, burning him more and more and licking over his nipples to get a taste.

It felt good, so indescribably good. Before, his constant encounters had dulled the desire, quenched his physical needs while still leaving him dissatisfied. Only the exchange of power had been able to provide him with what he yearned for, what he needed the most.

_But now you have so much desire in you, so much that you threaten to drown on it._

He couldn't remember the last time he was close to another human, but the memory also didn't matter. He didn't need it because the only thing in his mind was the way he could feel, the way teeth nibbled on his nipple and sent shivers down his spine. He wanted to rip the angel's clothes off and bury him inside his body, feel his own powers be exchanged with his.

When his fingers weren't able to pull the fabric of their jeans down without changing their positions he groaned in frustration.

"Just burn it off," he hissed and threw his head back, providing more skin for Hoseok to ravish.

A brief nod and hot lips traveling from his chest to his neck were the only things he perceived before Hoseok's fingers burned the fabric from his thighs, forcing gasps from his lips, but despite the intensity of the heat, every touch felt like actual heaven. The real paradise. The one you only knew if you experienced it once.

Those hands explored his skin, soothed the burning with soft fingertips until they both had no fabric and no words left between them, no separation between their bodies or minds.

“Your power is making me dizzy,” Hoseok whispered, meeting his gaze and licking over his lips slowly, as if the taste of his energy still lingered on the angel’s parted mouth and tasted better than anything else he had ever tasted.

"And that's not even half of it," he exhaled with a smile and used his palms to push the angel on the sheets, mesmerized by how beautiful he looked on them for a second or two.

_His wings. You want to see his wings._

Kisses were his first gift, tender and starting at Hoseok's collarbones, then caresses transformed into light bites which littered the other man's chest and stomach, leading him all the way down between his legs where he decided to stay for now. His hands danced over the other man’s muscular thighs while his lips closed around the thick, firm length, enjoying its heat and the immediate reactions he could observe on the handsome face.

Every string of power was wrapping around Hoseok’s body like a thread, like they were magnetic, pulled by the source of energy in the angel’s chest and making the black of his eyes take up everything else. Moans sounded from the other man’s curved lips, deep and low and he observed how he started feeling more and more of himself in the body that his hands and mouth caressed. “Not yet,” Hoseok groaned, sitting up and just as he did, those wings ripped from broad shoulders and skin and spread to their full size. “I want you and I want everything.”

He smiled around the warmth between his lips, observing the feathers that he instantly wished to touch and taste.

_It cannot be the human boy you have feelings for. It's an angel with pitch black wings._

"Such as?" he asked as he leaned back and used only his tongue, playing with the wet tip and observing the way huge black wings quivered as if a small burst of pleasure was enough to move them. He wanted to see them tremble and wrap around him, respond to his power while filing him with their own. "I just want you."

“Then…” Hoseok moaned along with an exhale and wrapped his hands around him, pulling him up easily. “Then, why don’t you act on it?” A beautiful smile spread the angel’s cheeks and he looked a bit more like the boy he liked back in the day before the smile transformed into a grin, a tongue licking over wet lips and strength that pulled his body flush against Hoseok’s burning skin, fueling his want like an explosion. “Have me and let me have you.”

_You don't act on it?_

To him it seemed like he was. He touched, he used his hands and he enjoyed the power that was returned to him. Everything he did followed the recipe of closeness, of sex the way he knew it best. Still, it wasn't comparable to his human encounters because of the power between them, the way it made him feel and how his chest felt like it was about to burst in an attempt to constrain what he was capable of.

_Is that what he means? Because you are still holding onto it?_

"Don't you have me?" he asked and lifted off Hoseok's chest just enough to sit on his lap. His hips were right where it felt good, rolling once to show what he was talking about. "A single motion would be enough to feel you."

“I’m not sure. Maybe keeping yourself in check and the hesitation to connect your body with mine are two different things. If you don’t want to have sex, I’m fine with it. We can do whatever you like then, but I miss the _you_ that let go of everything and lost control with me.” Hoseok smiled and licked his lips again, visibly struggling to keep a casual conversation with him moving his hips against his erection. “The times when you let the power spread within you, fill you out, when your wings are moving towards my hands but you still have that expression of being seemingly in control on your face. Then, then it’s the _you_ that I can feel best.”

_The power within your chest, he means the person you are when you finally let it go._

"The last time I did, you almost died," he muttered, unsure where the sudden memory came from, the way he had held onto the other man and didn't give him the chance to breathe, to inhale, to be without him.

_But you want to. You love the way it feels to let go. What's holding you?_

Maybe he still felt the need to be human, to hold on to the things that made him like everybody else on earth. Maybe that was his attempt to belong, to know that even if there was no place for him on earth as a human before, he might be able to find one even if he isn't one.

_You must be oh so desperate._

"What if I can't control it, Hoseok?"

“Then we will see what we do about that.” Hoseok’s curved lips came closer, touching his only briefly, but buzzing from the power that spread inside the angel’s body and must’ve reacted to his own. “I don’t want to die anymore, so I won’t let you hurt me.”

His lips parted to pronounce another 'but', a concern he wasn't even sure he had the words for. It was his fear talking once more, fear that he hadn't succumbed to over the months that he worked at the bar and missed the man in front of him, so why was he succumbing now?

_You yearn for intensity, so why are you holding back?_

"Will you stop me?" he asked as the burning sensation seeped from his chest throughout his whole body and especially into his fingertips. He enjoyed the way it felt, how the power pulled at his back and his wings asked for freedom. They were the least human thing about him, but still they felt like the part about him he identified with the most. White like snow.

“I will. If I need to, or if you want me to. Both is fine with me.” The energy accompanying his touch painted Hoseok’s eyes even more black and his hair silver white like the snowflakes that covered most of the grass outside of the window. He could see every single reaction in the body next to him and how they were pulled against each other like magnets as if they only waited for this very moment.

_It's as if your power isn't meant to be in two separate beings, but in one._

He inhaled sharply as the force within him burst to allow his wings to spread, stretching for the first time in months before they immediately wrapped around the man in front of him, connecting their bodies in more ways than one. His mind and perceptions were on overdrive, burning from the energy between them while his body throbbed from arousal and the desire for exchange. He wanted those wings around him and fingers on his own, touching the sensitive skin and pulling moans from his lips. Hoseok was the only one who had ever touched them.

_The only one who doesn't need you to be human._

He spread his legs and placed his palms flat on Hoseok's chest, inhaling sharply as he anticipated the wave of power that was going to wash over him, clear his mind and leave nothing but sensations and desires.

"Have me," he murmured and let his eyes flutter shut. His wings were a part of him, pleasant on his back and caressing Hoseok's body, his arms and partially his face, telling him how soft the other man's cheek was, how good the feathers of his black wings felt.

Those burning hands were made to travel over his wings. Soft fingertips gently drew circles on them as their bodies became one, high on the power that they both possessed and greedy to feel more, feel everything there was to feel.

"You're like a never-ending fountain," the low voice gasped into his ear, but he couldn't quite place it, dizzy from the pleasure, from how it felt to be touched just like he wanted to, from the motions of Hoseok's hips, his eyes that tried to stay focused.

He felt the intensity, sensed how streams of power travelled through his arms and legs, changed host with each motion of his hips. Pleasure was mixing with the high that the exchange was capable of providing him with and words left his lips, praise, desires and gasps he couldn't quite place or control. They seemed to have become a part of him as he basked in the expressions on Hoseok's face, his eyes, the way his lips parted in a moan or met him with a smile. The control that slipped from his own fingers through the pleasure taking over him was apparent in the way Hoseok moved, observed him, even moaned.

He couldn't feel it at first, but the grip on his thigh got tighter and tighter with every second just like those eyes changed, widening in a way he wasn't familiar with.

"Wait," Hoseok gasped, strain audible in the tone of his voice. "Wait a second."

_Your power, you're hurting him._

He gasped, terror instant and instead of holding onto his power and pushing it right back where it belonged, time froze. The familiar strings danced around his fingers and he struggled to figure out what it was that he did, how much power he was pushing into the angel’s body with the goal to receive even more in return.

"Fuck," he hissed and paused his motions next, dizzy from the pleasure and incredibly scared.

"Don't panic, it's just - the flow, it's not constant. There is nothing for five seconds and then you drown me like a tsunami. I usually like being drowned by you, but it feels like this." The gorgeous angel inhaled a few times, then opened his eyes and he felt such a power push inside his body that it made him dizzy and a bit nauseous. "Your hands are around the strings of time now, but I think that's the reason why you couldn't control it. Your hands are busy with holding onto time, even though it's you, you should be holding on to. Try it out. Let the seconds go and wrap your hands around the force."

He attempted to inhale again, to abandon the dizziness that mixed with pleasure and made him want to ask Hoseok for another power push. They must have been different or the angel had better control of his abilities, control that he wasted by having strings in the spaces between his fingers.

_Is this your protection instinct? Controlling time because it has always been stolen from you?_

His happiness has rarely been for longer than an hour back then, so his whole body refused letting go, abandoning the strings like he didn't need them anymore.

_But what if you don't?_

His hands were shaking as he loosened his grip, feeling how time resumed and the capacity to feel his own power returned. He could see how it covered the angel whole, wrapped around his wrists and his neck in an attempt to urge him to move and give more of himself.

_Holy shit._

His grip loosened immediately and he forced the energy to caress Hoseok's neck and collarbones instead of wrapping around it, fighting the dizziness as best as he could.

"Don't take it all away, I like it. It feels so good to feel you, but if it's too much at once I feel dizzy and unaware. I want to experience every second, so I'm asking you to keep it in your hands. Keep it until you can't and then I'll take it, promise." Hoseok winked and used time to brush his fingers over the smooth white skin of his wings. "And… one thing. Could it be that you liked it when I demonstrated how a power tsunami feels?"

The tremble that passed over his wings could have been just due to his sensitivity, but the angel could feel every irregularity in his power and the way it burst and fueled his arousal must have been obvious. He loosened his control and exhaled in relief, giving in to the dizziness that was quick to come and the pleasure that took over as soon as he moved his hips.

"Intrigued is an understatement," he hissed and lifted his hips before slamming them down and instantly throwing his head back because it felt so good. Control seemed to have been created for somebody else with how easily it slipped out of his fingers.

"You like it? Would you… like more?" He registered the vibrations against his fingers that he brushed over Hoseok's chest, how power accumulated within the angel, how it left and entered his body with a force that he combined with a motion of his body, drowning in pleasure. "You can have as much as you like."

He yelled, shocking himself with the sound, but not for long enough to remain aware. The next wave followed and there was no need to keep track of his power, to pull it back because it easily accommodated to the space that was occupied by everything Hoseok provided him with. His motions quickened and his vision blurred, leaving nothing but a limbo that he appeared caught in, moaning and muttering the angels name until the way their energy intertwined stole his awareness for a few seconds. A wrecking ball of pleasure that must have hit Hoseok in the same way, but he couldn't tell.

His body was lying on top of a hot chest, burning even, but his demonic self easily absorbed the heat and turned it into a part of him. His eyes focused on a delicate jawline, white hair, curved lips and black feathers that tickled his cheek. The sight of an empty room with nothing but a bed seemed surreal at first, but somehow, he couldn't think about what else he might have needed either.

"I can't tell if you stole my time again or I just felt too good to stop it."

"Mhm. But if I stole it, wouldn't you feel like something is missing? Is anything missing?" A warm mouth attached to his neck, placing soft, lazy kisses on every spot the curved lips could find.

He let his eyes flutter shut, enjoying the sensation while realizing the feeling wasn't the same. His memories weren't bland, but rather the opposite, rich with sensations to the point that even breathing felt like it might be too much. It seemed to be the feeling he had been yearning for, an intensity in perception that nothing else had been able to compare to all those years.

His fingers played with the black feathers on Hoseok's right wing, stroking over them as he glanced around and let the space sink it. There was only them, lying on a bed in an empty room on the ground floor. There were no humans to be seen, nobody but them surrounded by air and sheets and snow.

_The way you always wanted it._

His body was burning from the power within it, but also from being so close to the angel in his arms. Every kiss only added to the warmth he felt and which centered in his chest. His eyes glanced outside at the heaps of white, some of the traces they left on their way around the house and he couldn’t help but remember laying in the snow and drawing flowers into it, hoping that he wouldn’t die and that spring would come, if only he would hold on, if only he had Hoseok, if only...

And then, there was something green among the snow, a tiny flower, beautifully white. First, he thought that he had imagined it, but next to it was another and another. His breath hitched and he couldn’t tear away his gaze at first, looking at the beautiful flowers and fighting the tears that weren’t listening. A black wing wrapped around him carefully and he finally looked at the angel’s calm face, those black eyes that looked at him as if nothing else mattered.

"I don’t need to draw flowers into the snow anymore. They appeared just like that,” he muttered, observing how those black eyes stared outside, widening and arms wrapping around him tighter in response. “Hoseok, it's spring, it’s finally spring," he whispered, soaking the pillow with his tears, holding the warm body in his arms and feeling like they were finally able to move on.

_

_& so what - if my feathers_

_are burning. I_

_never asked for flight._

_Only to feel_

_this fully, this_

_entire, the way snow_

_touches bare skin - & is,_

_suddenly, snow_

_no longer._

___

_Ocean Vuong. Devotion_


End file.
